I really need help... I don't have anybody else to talk to right now

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey hlinthewiking;

Glad that you decided to post here even in this really difficult moment of having a panic attack. You have both parts of your brain online right now if you are able to do that, good job.

I definitely understand the feeling of needing/wanting to do something. Let's take a first step in that direction, which is checking in with your breathing. Can you describe your breathing to us, and then decide if you want to try different types of breathing or if it working okay for you right now?

[kells76]

Hey hlinthewiking;

Glad that you decided to post here even in this really difficult moment of having a panic attack. You have both parts of your brain online right now if you are able to do that, good job.

I definitely understand the feeling of needing/wanting to do something. Let's take a first step in that direction, which is checking in with your breathing. Can you describe your breathing to us, and then decide if you want to try different types of breathing or if it working okay for you right now?

[Hlinthewiking]

Hey hlinthewiking;

Glad that you decided to post here even in this really difficult moment of having a panic attack. You have both parts of your brain online right now if you are able to do that, good job.

I definitely understand the feeling of needing/wanting to do something. Let's take a first step in that direction, which is checking in with your breathing. Can you describe your breathing to us, and then decide if you want to try different types of breathing or if it working okay for you right now?

I appreciate the support, didn't expect anybody to post so fast. I don't tend to hyperventilate, I just shutdown a lot, stop breathing then remember I gotta breathe. I stared at a wall/ceiling for a while and cried, feel less worse atm. My whole day was: Woke up, ate, had a panic attack, I tuned out, hours went by, day was over.

I just don't know how to function. Takes so much effort just to exist that I literally can't do anything. I'm afraid that sometimes you are just too far out and there's not much you can do. Anytime I try to do anything I just start to try and find a solution and I can't find any, so I just shutdown and redo all over again. I'm feeling like a parasite, I'm not helping anybody. If I were pulling some weight somehow, I'd feel less worse. Any suggestions?

[kells76]

Hey again,

I appreciate the support, didn't expect anybody to post so fast. I don't tend to hyperventilate, I just shutdown a lot, stop breathing then remember I gotta breathe. I stared at a wall/ceiling for a while and cried, feel less worse atm. My whole day was: Woke up, ate, had a panic attack, I tuned out, hours went by, day was over.

This board has been a lifesaver for me, too. I know it can mean a lot to hear back from someone in those dark moments.

The not breathing / needing to consciously decide to breathe makes sense. Do you notice any emotions happening when you remind yourself to breathe, and consciously breathe?

I just don't know how to function. Takes so much effort just to exist that I literally can't do anything. I'm afraid that sometimes you are just too far out and there's not much you can do. Anytime I try to do anything I just start to try and find a solution and I can't find any, so I just shutdown and redo all over again. I'm feeling like a parasite, I'm not helping anybody. If I were pulling some weight somehow, I'd feel less worse. Any suggestions?

I wonder if a way to look at this could be -- your body is telling you some stuff. You are receiving messages from your body about how things are going. Maybe the messages were less intense in the past, but you are getting some strong messages now. A lot of what is going on is sending you in a direction of what sounds like -- slow down and lay down!

If that's the framing, do you think your body is doing whatever it takes to make you rest? If not, what message might your body be trying to send instead of that?

Listening to the messages from your body sounds like doing something and helping yourself, vs doing nothing and not helping anybody.

Just wondering if the thoughts and feelings of "not sure how to function... can't do much of anything... shutting down" are messages for you to listen to about what you need.

IDK -- some brainstorming there.

It's actually good to hear that you looked at the wall and ceiling for a while. Have you heard about counting the right angles you see as a grounding technique?

[Rev]

It's actually good to hear that you looked at the wall and ceiling for a while. Have you heard about counting the right angles you see as a grounding technique?

I have another one to add.

Get yourself in a place where you can sit or have your back against something  - if possible.

Then look around you. Note three things that you see.

*ie - plant, table, lamp.

Say those three things in your mind.

Then say them out loud.

Then go to them and touch them saying them out loud.

Go back to the beginning.

Say the three things in your mind.
Out loud...
Touch and out loud.

Repeat as needed ...

Hang in there.
Reach out any time.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

If that's the framing, do you think your body is doing whatever it takes to make you rest? If not, what message might your body be trying to send instead of that?

Listening to the messages from your body sounds like doing something and helping yourself, vs doing nothing and not helping anybody.

Just wondering if the thoughts and feelings of "not sure how to function... can't do much of anything... shutting down" are messages for you to listen to about what you need.

IDK -- some brainstorming there.

It's actually good to hear that you looked at the wall and ceiling for a while. Have you heard about counting the right angles you see as a grounding technique?

I haven't really done much lately, so it can't be that I need more rest. It's depression weighing me down and making me useless and that just feeds the loop. Can't do anything cuz I'm depressed and can't not be depressed because I'm useless and I'm taking more than I'm giving to others.

It's a good suggestion about counting corners, haven't heard that before. I knew in the past about trying to focus outside of my head, just hard to remember when I'm panicking. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll try to remember if it happens again.

I have another one to add.

Get yourself in a place where you can sit or have your back against something  - if possible.

Then look around you. Note three things that you see.

*ie - plant, table, lamp.

Say those three things in your mind.

Then say them out loud.

Then go to them and touch them saying them out loud.

Go back to the beginning.

Say the three things in your mind.
Out loud...
Touch and out loud.

Repeat as needed ...

Hang in there.
Reach out any time.

Rev

Thank you. I had forgotten about focusing outside of my head. I appreciate the help, I'll try to remember. I have anxiety but I don't have panic attacks often.

-

I'v spent most of the time since, in researching about my physical problem and the surgery. I'm really concerned because this surgeon seems very dismissive about the seriousness of this and I can't tell if it's confidence or lack of empathy. I'v been trying to figure out if I don't have a choice or it's something I can fix without surgery or if this surgeon is going to do a good job. Other doctors I met dismissed surgery and said PT would be best, but PT didn't work and they weren't dismissed my diagnosis and test results. Not sure if I mentioned before, but this surgery is to remove my first ribs and middle and anterior scalenes for thoracic outset decompression. It's not unusual to not want to sleep someone you met on the same day, I gotta trust this guy to rip 2 ribs and 4 muscles from my neck forever and I have talked to him less than 1h ever. To me that's very hard to do. Sometimes I just try to think like ripping a bandaid and ignore my gut and most of the times, I regret that I do, because I was right even though everyone said otherwise, if this happens this time... it's a hole so deep I don't even know where it leads and I'm already in a hole so deep I can barely see others. If this surgeon nicks an artery I could die on the table, if he cuts one of the nerves, I lose function of something, forever, there's also at least one phrenic nerve on each side, and that controls your diaphragm. I guess sometimes ignorance is bliss. I saw a lot of pro baseball players have had this problem and some had the surgery and were able to come back to pro play, but I'm sure they had better surgeons. 7 days left till surgery now.

Still thinking a lot about my ex. Looks like she deleted her Instagram for some reason, I thought she had blocked it, but I tried checking without being logged in and nothing shows up. Her whatsapp has a fixed message now saying "If you think you own me, then you know nothing about me" from 3 days ago. I'm sure it's not about me, we haven't interacted in weeks or more. I think she's just collecting drooling "fools" now (not sure if in**ll is kosher here), she always loved to have people she never would date drool on her and flirt with her, even while we were together. Either that or she was dating another guy and she discarded him. I'v always thought I was chasing her like a helium balloon while we were together. Looks like the balloon is loose and heading to the stratosphere, eventually it's gonna pop and come down empty. I'm not sure if I have any hate for her, but I do hate myself for loving her. I didn't spend more than 5min checking those things, I don't wanna stalk her, just couldn't help it.

[Rev]

Hi H,

Thanks for sharing ...

At this stage, I am really wondering if ruminating about your ex isn't a normal distraction for someone who is really facing what seems to be critical surgery? 

While not fun to be ruminating about her by any stretch, I think it is perfectly understandable that you are.  You are sitting there waiting, literally putting you wellbeing into the hands of another person. 

Personally, I would be happy to listen to how you are coping waiting for this surgery too, if it would help.  Not saying you should talk about that. Just saying that maybe that could be the root of your angst and it's being absorbed "sideways" by fretting about your ex.

H - at the risk of sounding paternalistic - I want to congratulate you and tell you that I am proud to be part of this thread.  When you first came here, you said that you weren't sure if you had it in you to talk to others. And yet, here you are, really having a look at yourself. I am sure that is not easy - so thank you for trusting us. 

Hang in there. Keep us posted.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi H,

Thanks for sharing ...

At this stage, I am really wondering if ruminating about your ex isn't a normal distraction for someone who is really facing what seems to be critical surgery? 

While not fun to be ruminating about her by any stretch, I think it is perfectly understandable that you are.  You are sitting there waiting, literally putting you wellbeing into the hands of another person. 

Personally, I would be happy to listen to how you are coping waiting for this surgery too, if it would help.  Not saying you should talk about that. Just saying that maybe that could be the root of your angst and it's being absorbed "sideways" by fretting about your ex.

H - at the risk of sounding paternalistic - I want to congratulate you and tell you that I am proud to be part of this thread.  When you first came here, you said that you weren't sure if you had it in you to talk to others. And yet, here you are, really having a look at yourself. I am sure that is not easy - so thank you for trusting us. 

Hang in there. Keep us posted.

Reach out any time.

Rev

Thank you. Without re-reading I really can't recall though, I'm very day to day lately. I'm usually an open person, just not trusting, there a difference, being open to being hurt and knowing you wont be hurt. I do trust you though. I just honestly wish I was contributing more. This seems very unidimensional, you all help me, I don't help anyone back. I need to find a way to get out of the hole so this dynamic doesn't happen more.

I understand how you can think that it may be for distraction away from my surgery, but I don't think it's the case. It's always at least on the back of my mind that the longer it passes, the more likely it is she's going to replace me and there will be nothing I can do to be back with her. You're welcome to question my priorities and I would agree with you if you did, but my romantic partner is that important to me. It's always been that way with me, if I loved that person truly. I haven't been able to bring together the opposite ends of "what I feel for her, what we had together, what was my emotions towards her and how she treated me".

The guilt of seeing someone else while still feeling tied to her, along with the sexual frustration of having a had bad experience when I was "desperate for sex" (my libido has always been super high and I came to find I'm not as easy to please as most men), just amplified what I was trying to suppress within. The sexual part is also something that's very torturing for me, because I feel horrible for thinking it might weigh on me more than it should, but at the same time I don't know what makes my ex so sexually appealing to me, if it's more skill and morphology or if it's what I feel for her. Just brings more shame and guilt unto me.

I'v always been very good at diagnosing, bad at finding solutions and even worse at implementing them.

OneDrive is also destroying me, I get daily e-mails showing me "memories" and I always click and pray that there will be no pictures of her, because when there are no pictures of her I feel relieved and when I try not to click, I can't stop thinking that I didn't click and wonder what was there. But to go there and siphon out her pictures I'd have to a very long time sorting her pictures out from the rest and I don't know how to endure that yet.

Today it's been hard just to not to reach to her and try to reconcile. I'm sure we'd end up recycling if she wanted to, I wouldn't have the strength to say no, at least today. Though I don't think she'd recycle even if I begged her to. I think she grew tired of me and she hasn't loved me in a long time.

As far as the surgery goes, I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel like there are other roads that may have been better, but they seem closed off to me. I'm time constrained for lack on funds. It'd be really easy for my father to assist me with good PT before getting to this point, but he refused despite being wealthy. I had to ask him for help to buy meds this month, it was the first time I asked him for any money in a very long time. My family keeps surprising me in a negative way, even though I knew how they were, they don't seem to care. I don't know how I'm going to go through surgery and pay my bills with the way things are going. Asked for help yesterday to get some money I have credit for in my bank but can't use it for groceries, only to pay bills and send to other people, so I asked my mother if I sent her that money if she could send it back to me so it would go to my account and I could use it for groceries, even that was refused. She angerly answer that I should work, but I haven't as much because I wasn't healthy to and am having surgery for this reason in 6 days now, it seems almost malicious to answer this since she knows even if I were working I wouldn't be able to receive any money in time. This is something odd, I'm not sure it's even possible in the US or EU, but there are different types of credit on my country, at least on my bank.

I feel like I should make arrangements in case things really go wrong. I'v been thinking about it for months or even years, maybe since when I first got sick in 2021. Though because of the surgery now I have somewhat a sense of urgency to do it before then. The most important to me is to leave my full story, even the things I left out from here, it's really important to me. There are some things I wish to say that I haven't seen anybody say, but I haven't said yet because despite not being anything illegal or imoral, there could be repercussions to me that I'm not willing to risk, but I'm also not willing to risk leaving this world without having them said out in the open.

[Rev]

Hey H,

Want you to know that I got this but I am out for a bit.  I will write back once I've sat with this.

I really appreciate the back and forth of the this conversation.

Rev

[Rev]

Hello H,

Thanks again for sharing this. 

There are many threads to this last piece you have written - namely:

1) Your health and the high risk surgery you are getting ready for.
2) Your estranged relationship with your family.
3) Your values regarding having a romantic partner - important for you to have that in your life. It appears to be something that grounds you. I am the same way.
4) Your physical needs where sex is concerned - and I take that at face value. Everyone is different where that is concerned - just like dietary needs.
5) Your life plan in general.
6) Maintaining a social circle of friends in a way that is reciprocal.
7) Have I missed anything ?

You mention that you need to find a way to break the cycle of being totally dependent without being able to give back in some way.  "I just honestly wish I was contributing more. This seems very unidimensional, you all help me, I don't help anyone back. I need to find a way to get out of the hole so this dynamic doesn't happen more" is the way you put it.

It has been my experience that when people are dealing with a matrix of threads in their story, breaking a cycle means focusing on one or two parts of the story before worrying about the rest - it's a matter of trusting that one thing leads to the next.

I'm not sure that I am suggesting anything specific here. Rather, it's my intuitive reflection.  I wonder what this is evoking in you?

What do you think?

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

It has been my experience that when people are dealing with a matrix of threads in their story, breaking a cycle means focusing on one or two parts of the story before worrying about the rest - it's a matter of trusting that one thing leads to the next.

I'm not sure that I am suggesting anything specific here. Rather, it's my intuitive reflection.  I wonder what this is evoking in you?

What do you think?

Rev

I think it's a good point. It's a bit too much to work with at the same time. Specially since a lot of topics there branch too much.

The most worrisome for my is my surgery and my ex atm and that connects to my life plans. I really miss having friends but that's not something feasible right now. It's like trying to seed unfertile ground when you're about to move fields. So that's not really weighing as much in my mind in the matter of being able to make friends, but weighing that it's not pleasant to not have friends right now. I don't think I'm a unlikable person or unable to make friends, but I have nothing to offer atm and if I plan on moving there's no harvest to reap.

I just think sometimes you let things pile on and it gets to a point where the past is too heavy to drag while you work on present and future, so you either work on the past, then the present that you can't work on, because the past has gripped you, becomes the future past that you continuously work on and are never able to catch up to working towards the future. Not sure if it's too confusing. I feel like that's somewhat where I am and it's terrifying enough to freeze me, like a prey gazing a predator.

It's not that I don't have sympathy for myself, there's a reason for it. This health issue changed my life and I did my best to try to fix it, but after 2 years and over 40 doctors, the longer time passed, the more I dissociated and anchored myself in depression. So looking back. Knowing what I know now. I could have solved my problem if I hadn't given up internally. I never felt like I was giving up, because it was little by little. But now I know I did. If I had researched like I'm right now, at the time. I might have been able to avoid this surgery and I still worry that maybe I just want to get it over with, after 2 years and losing everything I had o value because of it, when maybe I can still avoid this surgery if I did proper PT.

So if I'm going to simplify the biggest problems I need to solve now.

Surgery:
1- Is it avoidable?
2- Should I postpone and make sure I have the right surgeon/surgery?
3- Are the limiting factors for the 2 first decisions solely, or mainly, based on urgency and financial concerns?

Ex:
1- Do I just accept it's over, because it's the best thing to do?
2- Is it something that could have worked if I had done better and not let things drag the way I did?

To be honest, even writing about my ex and asking those questions, it seems I just don't want to accept it's over. I don't know. I'm sure she was more unwilling to sacrifice than I was, but I also know I could have done better than I did. I knew the end was coming. I let her turn her back on me for months until she finally discarded me. I definitely should have been firmer in having a serious talk way before it got to where it did. It's not that I didn't try. But I did let it get to where it should never have gotten.

I think I got a clearer picture today and maybe I can map a way forward. I thank you for that. I just wish I had more time. Only 5 days left now. I could postpone the surgery. I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't. After 2 years looking for a solution, I'm very hesitant to allow more time to pass and risk nothing changing.

What's your opinion on this? As someone looking from outside, do you think it would be more prudent to postpone? It's still my decision and I take full responsibility on whatever happens. I just want someone else's opinion.

[SinisterComplex]

I think it's a good point. It's a bit too much to work with at the same time. Specially since a lot of topics there branch too much.

The most worrisome for my is my surgery and my ex atm and that connects to my life plans. I really miss having friends but that's not something feasible right now. It's like trying to seed unfertile ground when you're about to move fields. So that's not really weighing as much in my mind in the matter of being able to make friends, but weighing that it's not pleasant to not have friends right now. I don't think I'm a unlikable person or unable to make friends, but I have nothing to offer atm and if I plan on moving there's no harvest to reap.

I just think sometimes you let things pile on and it gets to a point where the past is too heavy to drag while you work on present and future, so you either work on the past, then the present that you can't work on, because the past has gripped you, becomes the future past that you continuously work on and are never able to catch up to working towards the future. Not sure if it's too confusing. I feel like that's somewhat where I am and it's terrifying enough to freeze me, like a prey gazing a predator.

It's not that I don't have sympathy for myself, there's a reason for it. This health issue changed my life and I did my best to try to fix it, but after 2 years and over 40 doctors, the longer time passed, the more I dissociated and anchored myself in depression. So looking back. Knowing what I know now. I could have solved my problem if I hadn't given up internally. I never felt like I was giving up, because it was little by little. But now I know I did. If I had researched like I'm right now, at the time. I might have been able to avoid this surgery and I still worry that maybe I just want to get it over with, after 2 years and losing everything I had o value because of it, when maybe I can still avoid this surgery if I did proper PT.

So if I'm going to simplify the biggest problems I need to solve now.

Surgery:
1- Is it avoidable?
2- Should I postpone and make sure I have the right surgeon/surgery?
3- Are the limiting factors for the 2 first decisions solely, or mainly, based on urgency and financial concerns?

Ex:
1- Do I just accept it's over, because it's the best thing to do?
2- Is it something that could have worked if I had done better and not let things drag the way I did?

To be honest, even writing about my ex and asking those questions, it seems I just don't want to accept it's over. I don't know. I'm sure she was more unwilling to sacrifice than I was, but I also know I could have done better than I did. I knew the end was coming. I let her turn her back on me for months until she finally discarded me. I definitely should have been firmer in having a serious talk way before it got to where it did. It's not that I didn't try. But I did let it get to where it should never have gotten.

I think I got a clearer picture today and maybe I can map a way forward. I thank you for that. I just wish I had more time. Only 5 days left now. I could postpone the surgery. I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't. After 2 years looking for a solution, I'm very hesitant to allow more time to pass and risk nothing changing.

What's your opinion on this? As someone looking from outside, do you think it would be more prudent to postpone? It's still my decision and I take full responsibility on whatever happens. I just want someone else's opinion.

So H why do you sell yourself so short? What do you mean you have nothing to offer to friends?

Just trying to understand your psychology and pathology here.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

I think I got a clearer picture today and maybe I can map a way forward. I thank you for that. I just wish I had more time. Only 5 days left now. I could postpone the surgery. I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't. After 2 years looking for a solution, I'm very hesitant to allow more time to pass and risk nothing changing.

What's your opinion on this? As someone looking from outside, do you think it would be more prudent to postpone? It's still my decision and I take full responsibility on whatever happens. I just want someone else's opinion.

Hi H,

I'm going to sit with the rest of your post for a bit.  It appears to be less pressing.

Concerning the above - as someone from the outside, the only thing I can responsibly say is that when someone finds themselves with looking for the "best choice among all the worst options" - the only thing one can do is weigh the pros and cons of each option and then trust your gut.  I know that falls short of what you are hoping for, and it is the best I can do. 

One thing I will affirm is that you appear to be able to analyze things very clearly, and then lean towards the negative (perhaps with reason mind you).  So just be aware that in evaluating your own analysis, you might need to adjust your appreciation of your own wisdom towards the positive.

Hope that helps, even if only a little bit.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

So H why do you sell yourself so short? What do you mean you have nothing to offer to friends?

Just trying to understand your psychology and pathology here.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Well, right now I don't have many positive things going on and I can't financially afford to go out, even for coffee. Like I said before, I don't want to make friends right now due to location. It's a fact that I don't have much to offer at this moment. If you already have friends, it's fine, you can be in a bad position and still be a good friend, be funny and pleasant. Making new friends is different.

I think I got plenty to offer, but I'm almost a homeless right now. I bet you've walked on a street and saw a homeless person, everybody has. Most people avoid their looks, either for caring too much or for being disgusted. If you care too much, it's so distant from your way or life and so hopeless that you avoid looking and pretend they aren't there. If you are disgusted, you probably believe they are drug addicts or just hate working and would rather be homeless. I'v met plenty of homeless people in multiple countries, avoided some, talked to others and also talked to "friends" at my current condition and I had the same impression as I just mentioned but I was the bum. They empathize at first, then just try to switch topics and want to get back to their lives and not thing about it anymore.

I'v even talked to some school "friends" that used be jealous of me when I was a kid, because my father was rich. I thought, now they are making 6 figures, they have everything and I have nothing, they will be less jealous and might be more open. I was wrong, now I don't even think why I thought what I did. When someone is jealous of you, they kinda admire you, it's like Cain and Abel. They hate you because you are their ideal. If you lose everything you are nothing, no jealousy but also no interest.

It's kinda like, "Hey Joe, how it goin?" "All good, went bowling this weekend with the fam. My boss is an a-h***, promised that promotion for several months now, still nothing. How about you?". What do you say? I'v been through this before and I can't forget about it, because it was either lie and say good and not know what else to say or tell the truth, that you are at the hospital all the time and that you take sleeping pills because you are hungry and it's cheaper than food. So these things really don't make me wanna get new friends right now.

..
One thing I will affirm is that you appear to be able to analyze things very clearly, and then lean towards the negative (perhaps with reason mind you).  So just be aware that in evaluating your own analysis, you might need to adjust your appreciation of your own wisdom towards the positive.

Hope that helps, even if only a little bit.

Rev

That's true, sometimes I don't realize it. I'm going to try to do that more.

[Rev]

I think I got plenty to offer, but I'm almost a homeless right now. I bet you've walked on a street and saw a homeless person, everybody has. Most people avoid their looks, either for caring too much or for being disgusted. If you care too much, it's so distant from your way or life and so hopeless that you avoid looking and pretend they aren't there. If you are disgusted, you probably believe they are drug addicts or just hate working and would rather be homeless. I'v met plenty of homeless people in multiple countries, avoided some, talked to others and also talked to "friends" at my current condition and I had the same impression as I just mentioned but I was the bum. They empathize at first, then just try to switch topics and want to get back to their lives and not thing about it anymore.

I'v even talked to some school "friends" that used be jealous of me when I was a kid, because my father was rich. I thought, now they are making 6 figures, they have everything and I have nothing, they will be less jealous and might be more open. I was wrong, now I don't even think why I thought what I did. When someone is jealous of you, they kinda admire you, it's like Cain and Abel. They hate you because you are their ideal. If you lose everything you are nothing, no jealousy but also no interest.

It's kinda like, "Hey Joe, how it goin?" "All good, went bowling this weekend with the fam. My boss is an a-h***, promised that promotion for several months now, still nothing. How about you?". What do you say? I'v been through this before and I can't forget about it, because it was either lie and say good and not know what else to say or tell the truth, that you are at the hospital all the time and that you take sleeping pills because you are hungry and it's cheaper than food. So these things really don't make me wanna get new friends right now.

Hi H -

This is a real thing - a real barrier to social integration - one that I think you are right to not neglect. I am really glad that you can share that struggle here.  I know that you are not looking for "friends" - so that's not where I am going with this response.

Are you wanting human interaction right now?  Or is it easier for you to live in solitude?  I'm really asking on a pragmatic level.  People around us can create a lot of noise. Even the most extroverted people need time away from other people.

At the risk of solving a problem that isn't there by answering a question you haven't asked yet, I have a thought I'd like to share with you.

I have known two people who are in your situation - like really on that edge of food and shelter security.  They were not terribly "social" people in the sense that they had lots of friends.  They were both greeters at their church and handed out the bulletins at the door, said hello to first time attenders. Their role ticked alot of boxes for them.

Didn't you say you were wondering about going to talk to your Rabbi?  Just a thought.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

Leaving home in a few min for surgery. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, it's been hard. I hope I can come back and talk to you guys again. I appreciate all the help I'v gotten here over the last couple of months.

I wanted to send my ex a message. Still thinking about her a lot, but I don't think it will do any good or that she would even care.

[kells76]

Leaving home in a few min for surgery. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, it's been hard. I hope I can come back and talk to you guys again. I appreciate all the help I'v gotten here over the last couple of months.

Best wishes for a boring surgery 

Would love to hear how it goes, whenever you're up for it.

[Rev]

Best wishes for a boring surgery 

Would love to hear how it goes, whenever you're up for it.

Ditto for me

[SinisterComplex]

Leaving home in a few min for surgery. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, it's been hard. I hope I can come back and talk to you guys again. I appreciate all the help I'v gotten here over the last couple of months.

I wanted to send my ex a message. Still thinking about her a lot, but I don't think it will do any good or that she would even care.

Focus on YOU and getting well my friend. Check back in with us when you are up to it. We are pulling for you to come out better on the other side.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Hlinthewiking]

Thanks everybody for the support. Can't really use the pc yet, so just came to say I'm alive and my arm is working, so biggest fears are over for now. Will be back in a few days with a proper update.

[Rev]

Thanks everybody for the support. Can't really use the pc yet, so just came to say I'm alive and my arm is working, so biggest fears are over for now. Will be back in a few days with a proper update.

  

[Hlinthewiking]

Hey guys. I think the surgery went well, I'm still a bit worried about my index finger, still a bit numb, but otherwise everything works. Stayed 2 days at the hospital and came back home. It's still a bit painful to sleep at night but the pain meds do their job with that.

I got back home and the first thing that happens is that I get a message from my ex asking how I'm. I asked if she had been told by anybody about my surgery, she said no. I don't like attention and I haven't posted about my surgery anywhere and only close family and a few friends knew, nobody with contact with her. Just found it that the timing was so odd, but it probably was a weird coincidence. Last time she had talked to me was for me to Uber her things to her. We talked for a short while, she asked how I was and how long was going to be my recovery. It seemed to me she wanted to get back, but because of my current state she probably lost interest.

Next day I initiated conversation, she didn't extend, just answered my replies, we exchanged 3 phrases each maybe and she never contacted me again. This is the first time I'm a bit furious at her, because I really believe she doesn't care at all about me. She must have stopped seeing someone or something happened and she wanted me, but when she found out I had done surgery and couldn't pamper her, she lost interest and didn't even bother to ask me how I was after the first day, which I wasn't well in.

I know I shouldn't get back with her, but I really feel lonely and miss her, so when she contacted me I thought it was probably going to recycle. I knew she was selfish, but this is crushing. Even though I'm mad at her and at myself, I still haven't turned off my wish to reconnect. I want to contact her to ask why she contacted me that day and what she was hoping for, but I know that's probably not going to be very fruitful.

First day out of the hospital was awful. I couldn't wait to get home because it wasn't great at the hospital and it was hard to get comfortable or sleep. I'd just pass out from the narcotics. Getting home though, I still couldn't find a comfortable position, it was hard to sleep and I was very worried about thrombosis (DVT) or some other issue. I couldn't feel half of my upper chest, my neck, shoulder and part of my hand, mostly my index finger. There's no way of knowing at first if it's permanent damage or just from messing with the nerves. Now I'm recovering the sensation on everything that was numb, just the index finger that is lagging a bit. Got a lot of pain now that I can feel my shoulder, there's a bit of edema that's preventing my scapula from moving very well when I move my arm and it hurts, but it's nothing that's unmanageable.

First few days after getting back where very frustrating, not getting as much help as I was hoping and it's frustrating because I was literally incapable of doing much. I couldn't even put a shirt on. Now I can do most things, just not the dishes yet, that's a pile already. I have no idea how the rest of the month is going to be like. I have probably around $10 in my account. I still need to operate the other side too. I hope I can find a solution soon, it feels so frustrating to be in this situation. I have been doing physical therapy by myself, I might be able to manage it.

[SinisterComplex]

My friend I am happy you are alive and I am happy the surgery overall went well. Now for a bit of tough love. She does not matter right now. YOU matter right now. Period, end of discussion. Focus on you and healing and getting right. Do not put anymore stress on yourself by having contact with her. You need to be solely focused on recovery and getting healthy. Any extra luxuries including thinking about her or contacting her need to be dropkicked to the wayside until you are healthy.

Get well my friend and keep us updated.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

Thanks for the update!  In the midst of the ups and downs and the challenges you have shared, there are flashes of things emerging.   SC is giving you some good advice here.  Think of it as protecting the first embers of a fire the a beginning to rekindle. Think of here as wind that will blow those embers out.

It is a psychological truth that one will have more trouble letting go of the past if one has trouble imagining a better future. And physical recovery is part of finding the physical energy to imagining that future. That too is there in what you write.

How wonderful that you continue to connect with us here.  People here are rooting for you.  Why? Because people here rooted for us when we first arrived. One day, you'll be rooting for the next "newbie" saying that they need to connect.

Hang in there my friend.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[drained1996]

Been a bit since you’ve updated.  Care to share how things have been the last few days?  You got folks here for you!

[Hlinthewiking]

Been a bit since you’ve updated.  Care to share how things have been the last few days?  You got folks here for you!

Thanks everybody.

The night after I posted I think I accidentally used my right arm's elbow to get my body higher in the bed. Since I use multiple pillows I tend to slide down sometimes. I did so sleeping, didn't realize it. Woke up feeling like I was dying. Felt my nerves contracting inside my ribcage and lost all feeling and movement of half my hand. Got up to go to the restroom, almost passed out, came back to bed before I could finish so I would pass out and fall down. Hell of a night. Not sure if it's just from dragging my body up or if it was something else. That was quite a scare. Didn't happen again. I'm feeling pretty good right now other than my index finger still being a bit numb.

I haven't come back here because I have no idea what to do and how to get out of this situation. I just shut down my brain for a while. Had a nightmare about my ex a couple days ago, that was a quite miserable day. Yesterday she posted a few pictures in clubs partying. Seems like she's going on a crazy spree. Seeing that ruined the whole day, but I still couldn't muster myself to stop following her or blocking her.

I was actively looking for other people and just talking until a week ago. Started to talk to another girl and she seemed like a good person and held the same goals and ideals, but she turns out to be pregnant by another guy who got her pregnant and ran. This is a big deal to anybody. Seems like a horrible place to start a relationship and I'm frankly tired of starting relationships in awful positions, but she seems like someone might really be a partner in life and I don't know whether I think it's good or bad, because it forces me into a very difficult situation. I already trust her more than I did my ex, which is quite a bit sad. We went out for coffee one day, I don't remember talking to someone for so many hours in I don't know how long. I'm taking it really easy and just talking for now, but I hate this situation and I'm going to have to make a decision eventually. I haven't been able to talk to other girls as I always feel committed in these situations.

I got some badish news this weekend, it might take up to December for me to start working on the hospital that is "hiring" me. Which means I desperately need to find some income very fast. I'v never been so broke, ever. I eat once or twice a day and it's been a miracle I'v been able to buy my meds before I ran out of money until now. I honestly kind of wish I had died when I was in the US when these health issues first started. I love that country more than life itself. It's torture to be there and then to come here like this. I dream I'm there almost everyday and it's making me not want to be awake most of the time. Sorry if it feels a bit negative, but it kinda feels like my life is over. I have a drop of hope still, but thats all is left since I finally got this surgery.

[drained1996]

Hoping a few days have found you with a little more upbeat feelings. People are here for you.

[Amethyste]

Thanks everybody.

The night after I posted I think I accidentally used my right arm's elbow to get my body higher in the bed. Since I use multiple pillows I tend to slide down sometimes. I did so sleeping, didn't realize it. Woke up feeling like I was dying. Felt my nerves contracting inside my ribcage and lost all feeling and movement of half my hand. Got up to go to the restroom, almost passed out, came back to bed before I could finish so I would pass out and fall down. Hell of a night. Not sure if it's just from dragging my body up or if it was something else. That was quite a scare. Didn't happen again. I'm feeling pretty good right now other than my index finger still being a bit numb.

I haven't come back here because I have no idea what to do and how to get out of this situation. I just shut down my brain for a while. Had a nightmare about my ex a couple days ago, that was a quite miserable day. Yesterday she posted a few pictures in clubs partying. Seems like she's going on a crazy spree. Seeing that ruined the whole day, but I still couldn't muster myself to stop following her or blocking her.

I was actively looking for other people and just talking until a week ago. Started to talk to another girl and she seemed like a good person and held the same goals and ideals, but she turns out to be pregnant by another guy who got her pregnant and ran. This is a big deal to anybody. Seems like a horrible place to start a relationship and I'm frankly tired of starting relationships in awful positions, but she seems like someone might really be a partner in life and I don't know whether I think it's good or bad, because it forces me into a very difficult situation. I already trust her more than I did my ex, which is quite a bit sad. We went out for coffee one day, I don't remember talking to someone for so many hours in I don't know how long. I'm taking it really easy and just talking for now, but I hate this situation and I'm going to have to make a decision eventually. I haven't been able to talk to other girls as I always feel committed in these situations.

I got some badish news this weekend, it might take up to December for me to start working on the hospital that is "hiring" me. Which means I desperately need to find some income very fast. I'v never been so broke, ever. I eat once or twice a day and it's been a miracle I'v been able to buy my meds before I ran out of money until now. I honestly kind of wish I had died when I was in the US when these health issues first started. I love that country more than life itself. It's torture to be there and then to come here like this. I dream I'm there almost everyday and it's making me not want to be awake most of the time. Sorry if it feels a bit negative, but it kinda feels like my life is over. I have a drop of hope still, but thats all is left since I finally got this surgery.

Update?