Thanks for the replies. We were hiking at a nature park for 30 minutes and I was starting to get tired, hungry and wanted to take a break. We talked the previous day that if that happened, she could keep hiking until she's tired (weight goal) and I'll wait for her in the car. We've done a similar pattern when shopping at the mall. She got angry and was surprised I mentioned the idea. She claims no memory of us talking about it the other day.
I offer to hike with her another 15 minutes and she passively accepts, now giving me the silent treatment. We hike another 15 minutes and end back at the car. I ask if she wants to keep hiking. She says it's none of my business. I say, ok, I'll wait in the car. I see her walking back to the trail. I set a 30 minute timer and will call her if she's not back at the car by then. Thankfully at exactly 30 minutes, she returns.
In the car, we talk a bit but she complains I don't understand or seem interested (I think I was). I say it's hot and I'd like to go back home where there's A/C and talk more about it -- I'm sensitive to heat rash, headache and it's been acting up lately. She says she doesn't want to go anywhere and wants to talk in the shade. She leaves the car and walks up the trail to a picnic bench.
At this point, I feel cornered and at my limit. (It reminds me of how she previously would turn the lights and TV on full volume at night in our bedroom if she wanted to keep talking even past midnight, 1am, or 2am when I said I needed to sleep -- not taking that anymore, will go to a hotel and be firm with my limits.) At this point, I decide to tell her that I'm going home now and she can either join me or call me later for a ride. I open the car door and notice the outside air is cooler than I expected. So I change my mind while walking to the bench to try talking 5-10 minutes and give her the 2 options if talking doesn't work out in a timely manner. Then she started opening up and we talked for 10 minutes then were on our way home. She said she considered not showing up to the car and not answering my phone calls. For that, I think I should consider recording audio of our conversation on my phone if legally questioned later. She's not officially diagnosed with BPD and is against outside help. We both have read several BPD books and articles and both agree she has it. She was the first to read about it and told me.
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This experience makes me apprehensive to go with her by car anywhere. I'm afraid one of these times she'll stand behind the car if I give her the two options thereby preventing me from backing up and going home. Not sure how I'll handle that, call to suicide hotline? We walk every night and sometimes she goes to rage mode then. I'm more comfortable if it happens then because I know she can walk back home if it gets to my limit. Different story when we've driven somewhere by car, and there's no real public transit here. I will learn how to get an Uber/taxi in case it's needed in the future.
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Most likely better to look for common things, address underlying emotions.
What do you mean, common things?
