Boundaries and karpman triangulation question

[waitingwife]

Hi everybody,

I am new to this and still learning. Pardon me coz I hsve been posting quite a bit here in the recent days.

My undiagnosed BPDH gently asked me to invite my parents to live with us for a few months(coz they live in another far away country & are old so they usually stay with us for 5 months). We have had them over 3 times like this in the last 10 years and always they came to help me with pregnancy, etc. My H idolizes my dad and really respects him and you know what follows too! So it's been one living hell for me dealing with bith parties. H shuts off and does ST for days and parents keep blaming themselves for his behaviour and keep asking me if its anything they did or their presence that causes his going into a shell. He even sometimes says mean things to them off and on when they try to have a normal conversation. I love my parents & they are very old and have their own health issues so I try not to drag them into this drama & say it's coz of his childhood and just let him be... .But I won't lie, it angers me coz I think I look at the situation as good people versus bad person being unjust.

So when he asked me that wuestiin, part of me wanted to jump and say I'd love to invite them and we usually pay for their trip, etc and by mraning we, my H pays coz I'm a stay at home mom. Once when H & I had a fight and I confrinted him(when I didn't know about BPD at all), he said you are thankless, I have spent so much money to have your folks over, blah blah... It really hurt my feelings coz I am a vrry independent person and felt emotiinally assaulted... .Then my brother's family being nearby leads to another drama triangle. So I calmly replied to H that I don't want to invite my parents... Indtead I am going to visit them in the summer for a extended vacation. Now our 5 year old begs to have grandparents over and they have a very very special bond with her so I hope I am doing the right thing. I know I am taking her to visit them & hence not depriving her of the bond... Now that she is 5, she asks me why do grandma and pa can come live in our cousin's house(my brother's house) and not ours? That breaks my heart coz she also wants them to live in our house. She even asks why do daddy, me & you cannot visit grandparents together? I told H that I don't want to go together coz it only generates more drama so he recently visited his folks alone and my 5 year old had a need to know. I answered saying that we don't have that many holidays from school but she is going to want to know more very soon coz she is a very smart child.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I can understand not wanting to subject your parents to your husband's emotional displays. And yes, having them in your home for several months would be a perfect set-up for a drama triangle.

Will they be visiting your area anyway and staying with your brother's family? Or is your husband the one who has paid to have them travel to your area?

It sounds like it would be less stressful if only you and your daughter visit with them in their home.

And a five year old would probably be satisfied with a rather simple answer about why they won't be at your house. You just have to be sure that you don't convey uncertainty or she will ask follow up questions that you won't be prepared for.

[formflier]

 

You are early in learning the says of BPD.

My advice (very strongly held opinion) is that your answer should be "not yet".  "Sounds like a wonderful idea, let's try to make a decision in next few months, etc etc.

I really think your approach to "big life" decisions should be to slow down.

The hope is that you can spend some time practicing skills and seeing where the skills take you and the r/s.   Introducing other variables (people) into this is going to muddy the waters.

What is the status of either or both of you going to T?

FF

[waitingwife]

Hi FF,

Yes I am just getting the hang of the lessons and skills here... .I skimmed through the lessons and read what applies to my immidiate situation but I want to read it all. So much of the stuff here leads to the aha moment for me!

In regards to Therapy, I really don't know how to broach the topic with H coz if you have been reading my posts, the last time he dysregulated, he stormed out the door saying - nothing is wrong with me. I stopped seeing my therapist a few months ago coz she & I concluded that ai was done for then and the ladt words she said to me were "Believe in yourself and you are doing the 100% of your 50-50 share, you cannot do the 50% that he needs to do". I usually never have engaged with H during his dysregulations in the last 13 years but now I feel like this new inner voice is not able to just go on without having some boundaries. How do I approach the topic of therapy with him?

This morning while he was talking to his BPD parents, he handed me the phone and I talked very respectfully for 5 minutes & said bye. I don't have a problem doing that at all coz they haven't done anything to me... .He goes in and out of communication with his family... Right now they are all painted white and me- black. It doesn't really bother me anymore coz I believe in myself and know that the dynamics at his end will keep changing and thats okay!

[waitingwife]

Btw, "Not yet" is a great answer for the next time.

[formflier]

Btw, "Not yet" is a great answer for the next time.

There will be resistance.  There will be claims that not yet is no.  It's black and white thinking doing the talking there.

I really think that some sort of regular time with a T would be valuable for you. 

You are about to embark on a journey to apply lessons and rules, that are new to you, in an effort to stabilize or make your r/s better.  In order to do that the best way possible, you need a solid support system

Think about a three legged stool. 

1 leg is BPD family.

1 leg is a T

1 leg are trusted friends and family that can appropriately support you.

For the friends and family leg I am really more interested in people that you can do things with and NOT talk about the issue, but focus on living a fulfilling life.

What lesson has provided the biggest Ahh Haa moment so far?

FF

[waitingwife]

The radical acceptance and validation... The invalidation actually gave me the most Aha feeling coz I was doing exactly that while asking " why are you doing the same thing again?" To H. How the issues can change when I start with an I while talking is very helpful.

I'll think about seeing my T again coz she & me have agreed to see each other whenever I feel the need to so that door is always open for me.

[formflier]

" why are you doing the same thing again?" 

Big tip here:  Get rid of "why" from your language.  Most likely when you use that word when asking a question it comes across to a pwBPD as being questioned by a lawyer in court.

Try to find a softer/gentler way of getting information.

I am a fan of "help me understand (xyz)" (note: help me understand "why" you do things is not good, leave out why)

"Help me understand your decision about the car, "  (lets assume he bought a car or some other purchase)

FF

[waitingwife]

Help me understand is a wonderful way of asking but I have to practice eliminating the why from our conversations. Thanks so much for this tip. Please bring in all the tips you have, I really appreciate it.