Post relationship abuse and why they cant let you go.

[Ripples]

Id like to offer my experiences to see if anyone else has had a similar pattern happen to them.

When I was with my ex (which was a long time ago) the pattern of the relationship was typical ie intense honeymoon phase, rapid cooling, devaluing/abusive, end.

It was I that gave her the space as I could see that she was so unhappy. I didnt know why but certainly was made to feel that it was me who had caused the problems.

After the end of the relationship I got a 3 monthly contact saying that she missed me etc. I was always there for her believing that she was sorting herself out. This cycle went on for months and then years. All the time her contact kept me engaged in my feelings for her. I wanted her and stupidly believed her words.

As time went on her actions were obviously contradicting her words. She never came back despite her soothing and loving words. This kept me engaged way past the point I should have just walked away. But I didnt. I just didnt realise it was just words designed to control.

This control mechanism has been the post relationship abuse that really prevented me from letting go completely and keeping me in the fog. Meanwhile, Madam was out having a lovely life and eventually ended up pregnant. She went on to have another kid with the same guy and finally this summer she married him out of the blue. She messaged me the day before her wedding to tell me.

Anyway the point of this post is to say that all the while, over the years IT WAS HER who kept the contact going, kept my hope alive. I thought I was doing the honourable thing by giving her room. My actions were controlled by her contact and her words. Of course this was just naiive thinking on my part.

I have moved on with my life but never really dealt with extinguishing the hope that she fostered so skillfully. Like so many, I boxed it up and filed it away deep in my heart.

Following her marriage I sent her a note to congratulate her but added that whilst im happy for her my feelings never faded away. They were filed away. But I was happy that she was doing well and settled.

The most revolting thing is that now she thinks it is me who cant let go! The hypocrisy hit me like a ton of bricks and suddenly realised that she was passing the buck for her actions. This has been a nasty maneuver on her part and the sad thing is I have only just realised what she has done - after all these years.

She went on to say that she wants to be friends given our respective situations now.

So in summary her time in my life has looked like this:

Idealisation

Steady relationship but with weird behaviour that I ignored

Devaluation phase

End

Contact keeping me engaged (months and years) Missing me, thinks of me, loves me.

Meets someone else (kids, Marriage, home)

Blames me for not letting go but can only be friends.

Is this typical? Have I just finally put all the pieces of this saga together. Forgive me. Im a nice man. Slow but loving.

[Recooperating]

Sorry to say Ripples,

Sounds familiar! To me it seems classic BPD behaviour! She needed you for validation. The emptiness she feels inside will never be filled by any person... .You served as a supply for attention. You gave her her fix I guess... .

Been there done that... .My exBPD didnt the same, he was my first love. I met him when I was 19. I was fragile and insecure, he seemed like a dream come true! But... .He was married... .Not out of love he said, he was married on paper to get a permit. (I was doing an internship abroad, we got into a long distance relationship, actually an affair... .STUPID I know!

This went on for 6 years on and off... .I would fly over every now and then. He promised me the world. He would leave her after getting his passport, we would grow old together. He painted his wife blacker then black and I felt so sorry for his situation. Ofcourse he was stuck in that "abusive" (now I know the truth) relationship, and I would rescue him from it!

Then she got pregnant! Uhhhh ? But you dont live together and never have sex? He said they had sex once cause he needed to shut her up? Anyway I left... .With a kid coming I didnt want to be the "homewrecker". So I moved on. But every other month he would tell me how he wished the kid was mine, how terrible the relationship was, how he missed me, how I was the love of his life... .And I would fall for it... .He was married to her, made her seem awefull and abusive and I gave him his fix for attention.

2 years ago he left her, or she did, who knows. We got back together long distance and tried to see how to get him to my side of the planet. I paid his rent, his life his everything since "she" sucked him dry and kept everything... .To make a long story short. You will not believe what I have been through the last 2 years! He cheated, moved in with yet another woman to "save me the rent" ... .How generous! He abused me, lied, tried to isolate me, black painted me everywhere, he went from loving me to hating me in a split second.

Still I didnt leave, i suggested to get help and he supposebly did. Untill he told me he didnt want to go see his T anymore since she had told him about her intimate live. She we t to nudist retreats, walked around naked on high heels in the house because her hubby had a fetisj... .Nonsense ofcourse. He needed a reason to stop therapy and he created one! He was cheating on me again with another woman... .He needed more of a fix I could give him. I finally left!

I know he will come back, he will beg and plead and try to win me over again, while he's with other women... .NO MORE! I was a complete fool! Why did I let this all happen? God knows! My T will have a blast figuring this out with me! But yes... .They need us to give the attention and validation they need... .And what ever we do, its never enough!

[TheBPDSurvivor]

Although I've refused to accept the rekindle from her after reading all these horrible stories here, I'm pretty sure your self-esteem took a major hit by her frequent contact and soothing words and thats what holding you from moving on.

Being too nice is the only weakness I see among many of our members in the leaving board. I too was so kind and a popular figure in my community but the more and more I tried to be genuine and polite with my uBPDexgf, the more she put me down which slowly destroyed my self-esteem and confidence and the most important thing is, it all happened without me realizing. She then wanted me to be her friend after the breakup. Then I remembered she saying that she used to say the same when she was "breaking up" with her FRIENDS. Come on, How can you breakup with a friend? Thats when I recognized it as "fishy" and decided to cut her out of my life and refused to talk with her again - forever.

Yeah, they never accept their mistakes and ALWAYS puts the blame on us - like a 3 year old.

If you allow, she'll keep on doing this until you completely lose your "self".

We all have only one life to live in this beautiful planet. So please get rid of her and her thoughts. Work on yourself. The world is so big and there are millions of womans out there who will like you for yourself and I bet you'll definitely find much interesting and beautiful woman than her.

[Ihope2]

From my own recent experience, we facilitate, enable and tolerate behaviour that would be totally unacceptable to psychologically balanced/ healthier individuals.

We have a predisposition to get emotionally hooked into "trauma bond" betrayal dynamics, especially in intimate relationships.  It is very likely that we learned this dynamic in our Family of Origin. Become tolerant and "understanding" of the most one-sided, hurtful and damaging treatment of ourselves at the hands of a damaged other.  Be "brainwashed" into believing that it is our unique role to tolerate, understand and rescue them by our unwaivering support, love and compassion.

I was "groomed" by my FOO dynamics to become the perfect target for personality disordered individuals, especially those with NPD and BPD.

I will not offer myself up as a sacrifice to anyone any longer.  It is better  for me to walk away from those who have nothing to offer me other than negativity, deception and punishment. I am no longer going to entertain that type of unhealthy dynamic. I am working on becoming healthier, and although I am still compassionate towards people with a lot of personal trauma, pain and living with personality disorders, their trauma and pain have nothing to do with me and I refuse to pay the price on their behalf.  

[Ripples]

Hi Recooperating,

Im sorry to hear your sad tale. I guess we are just stupidly naiive believing what they say. In my case though what has astounded me is how, now that she has all that she wants, she has turned the tables and is trying to make out that I couldnt let go when all the while it was her who was manipulating my emotions with empty promises. I was just being patient and kind. Thats the bit that I have today suddenly become so clear with. How she is in total denial about her past words. And that is quite revolting behaviour in hindsight!

[Ripples]

Thx BPDsurvivor.

You are of course right. Im very much in a happy relationship now. Ive got here by backing off and starting again. For sure I should not have dialogue with this woman - but thats what you get for being "nice". I do however find the injustice of her behaviour irritating and wanted to share the history of events to hear any similarities. Another aha moment before filing away the past again.

[Ihope2]

Hi Recooperating,

Im sorry to hear your sad tale. I guess we are just stupidly naiive believing what they say. In my case though what has astounded me is how, now that she has all that she wants, she has turned the tables and is trying to make out that I couldnt let go when all the while it was her who was manipulating my emotions with empty promises. I was just being patient and kind. Thats the bit that I have today suddenly become so clear with. How she is in total denial about her past words. And that is quite revolting behaviour in hindsight!

They cannot and do not think the same way we do.  It took me a lot of pain and turmoil to realise this and accept it.

They are personality disordered individuals, their thinking, feeling and doing is steered by their disordered personality.  Their disorder is marked by denial and other powerful defence mechanisms like splitting and projection.  These mechanisms make it very unlikely that they will ever seek treatment and gain an awareness into themselves and how they interact with and impact on the lives of others.

[Ripples]

Hi Ihope2,

Im with you on looking back at what shaped us in our past. And what you say is spot on. Thank you.

[Ripples]

Ihope2,

In my letter of congratulations to her I said that now she has found happiness and peace she should now just drift off quietly into her future. I told that she will always be special to me but now was the time to say our final goodbyes. Thats when she came back and said I should learn let go of our past but she really wants to just be friends. I think this is reference to fb. I dont give a monkeys about her life and im comfortable with her being a fb "friend". But the insinuation that she had nothing to do with my feelings given her past words really got my goat up!

[TheBPDSurvivor]

Thx BPDsurvivor.

You are of course right. Im very much in a happy relationship now. Ive got here by backing off and starting again. For sure I should not have dialogue with this woman - but thats what you get for being "nice". I do however find the injustice of her behaviour irritating and wanted to share the history of events to hear any similarities. Another aha moment before filing away the past again.

Of course my story is similar to yours. She breaking up, but refused to tell me the reason. She kept in contact with me for a couple of weeks after the breakup. All these time, I've been wondering whats going on in her mind and trying to find whats wrong with me because I'm nowhere lesser than her by any means., you know what I mean. She then said like she's always thinking about a guy whom she referenced as "just friend" when we were in the relationship.

I asked her to call him right now and talk with him. She, in an quite happy tone said like she'll cry as soon as she hear his voice and said like she'll have to share "so many" stuffs happened in her life with him. I then proceeded to ask what will she do if I move away from her since she already got someone to talk to but mostly whom she wishes to talk to.

She said like she'll miss me "little" if she talks with him and miss me "more" if he refuses to talk with her. For which I said like, ok i'll never come into your life again so be happy with your beloved friend and enjoy your life. She then shouted like "Why are all you leaving from my life?" and I was like what the heck, you only wanted to talk with your friend and I politely agreed to your request but then you're blaming on me for leaving you. The conversation ended like, I'll be there for you whenever you want and she kept in touch with me for another 2 weeks followed by a 1 month Silent treatment.

I called her and asked why you're acting weird? Whats wrong with you? I'll be happy to hear whats going on in your life and may help if you need any support. Same like as your ex, she blames me for not letting her go. But she's the one who wants me to be in touch with her "forever".

Thank god it all happened almost a year ago and she's no longer in my life. I too am in a happy dating right now and I can already feel its so much healthier than with the BPD. The slow thoughtful and mindful response and reaction from my current gf feels like a fresh morning breeze. Not to mention, it really lifts my spirit up with the supportive nature from current gf unlike the BPD one which sucked all my spirit.

[Visitor]

Lets remember we all suffer from traits of BPD. I have kept girls around plenty just because I didn't want to be alone. Its a warm body at night and somebody to talk to.

This is an insecurity and a co-dependency issue. Lots of people when they leave somebody they have been with for a long time will find it hard to break the cord completely. They keep them around as an option. Again I am guilty of this and need to work on it.

Also women/men/people can be terrible for excepting responsibility and taking the blame. Its a human trait.

Dont be too quick to diagnose BPD as there usually has to be many traits about the person in past, present and future that they will display.

It sounds like you are suffering heartbreak and we over analyze everything when in this phase of break up.

Where there any very bad fits of rage that left you shocked and wondering why she went off on one? (triggers)

Did she have a promiscuous sexual past/drug abuse/in lots of dept from spending too much?

Where her previous relationships stormy/tumultuous/short lived?

[Ripples]

BPDsurvivor,

Thx for sharing your story. The similarities are there to be seen aren't they! I dont fully understand the "validation" thing that they need from us even when they are in a settled relationship like my ex is now. Ive just tried to be nice and supportive over the years. Initially you hold out hope based on what they say but as time wears on you realise they are not coming back but that they do need us in some capacity in their lives. I think generally people want what they think is good for them rather than what actually is good for them. And that includes what we want too!

[Ripples]

Visitor,

Like many on here I am not privy to whether my ex has been diagnosed with BPD or not. Hence the need to share experiences in order to get some kind of handle on our relationship. Certainly from my own experiences her past actions point toward some issues that I have NEVER experienced in past relationships - Bulimia, promiscuous behavior, suicidal thoughts, angry outburst, devaluing, addiction to exercise to name but a few. Unlike you I for one have never led anyone to believe there is hope in the future when I know damn well that there isn't.

Due to my own issues for sure I allowed this lady to break my heart. But as pieces have fallen into place over the years despite what my heart says my head has said something else. I don't believe there is a time frame for enlightenment. You learn to lock away the past and move on but this doesn't mean that future events won't further help the enlightenment process. Hence my post.

[Blimblam]

Thinking you were the problem when it's over and being led on is pure torture.  Especially if you weren't the problem but were just brainwashed. To be led on like that for years sounds like pure agony. I'm so sorry.

[fromheeltoheal]

Whoa.  I dodged a bullet with my ex, and very well could have gone down the path you did Ripples; thanks for the story, and I'm sorry you had to live it.  The sht my ex pulled just kept escalating, reminded me of a little kid pushing it to see what she could get away with, and when I'd finally had enough I left.  That set off a barrage of communication attempts, with her relating as if nothing was wrong, everything was rosy, please call her because she misses me.  What?  Even then, long before I knew about BPD, it was totally obvious that things just weren't right with her, and fortunately I was angry enough to not bite.  And they continued.  As I got less angry and remembered some of the good times, I was more susceptible, but it was obvious what she was doing amounted to a very unhealthy obsession, as I labelled it at the time, and then I learned about BPD.  Ahhh.  The lights came on and everything made sense.  Phew!  Bullet dodged, although the whole thing shook me to my core, and growth ensued, out of necessity.  Everything happens for a reason, and I'm grateful today for the experience, the growth has been worth it.

[Ripples]

Blimblam,

It was certainly very traumatic. I thought I was going nuts.

Thx for your words.

[Ripples]

Fromheeltoheal,

Well done on dodging the bullet. For me the BPD thing didnt appear until I was fully entwined. We lived a long way apart so I was reliant on her words and unfortunately blind to her actions!

One day I will remind her why I couldn't "move on"! Bloody cheek!

[Visitor]

Whoa.  I dodged a bullet with my ex, and very well could have gone down the path you did Ripples; thanks for the story, and I'm sorry you had to live it.  The sht my ex pulled just kept escalating, reminded me of a little kid pushing it to see what she could get away with, and when I'd finally had enough I left.  That set off a barrage of communication attempts, with her relating as if nothing was wrong, everything was rosy, please call her because she misses me.  What?  Even then, long before I knew about BPD, it was totally obvious that things just weren't right with her, and fortunately I was angry enough to not bite.  And they continued.  As I got less angry and remembered some of the good times, I was more susceptible, but it was obvious what she was doing amounted to a very unhealthy obsession, as I labelled it at the time, and then I learned about BPD.  Ahhh.  The lights came on and everything made sense.  Phew!  Bullet dodged, although the whole thing shook me to my core, and growth ensued, out of necessity.  Everything happens for a reason, and I'm grateful today for the experience, the growth has been worth it.

I can relate to everything you just said!... when I found out about BPD (recently) it was a big "ah haa" moment. I became a bit obsessed with doing the research after finding out but it answered a lot of questions for me as I was left feeling it was all my fault. Im a kind person at heart but was made to be the bad guy.

When I broke up with her there was begging and everything, she was obsessed. As soon as she realised I wasn't giving ground and was dating other women the claws came out.

I almost let this girl move over seas to live with me, can you imagine 

[Infared]

Hi Recooperating,

Im sorry to hear your sad tale. I guess we are just stupidly naiive believing what they say. In my case though what has astounded me is how, now that she has all that she wants, she has turned the tables and is trying to make out that I couldnt let go when all the while it was her who was manipulating my emotions with empty promises. I was just being patient and kind. Thats the bit that I have today suddenly become so clear with. How she is in total denial about her past words. And that is quite revolting behaviour in hindsight!

We are talking about serious mental illness here. They lie to you. They lie to themselves. Then they actually believe all of their lies. Anything that tells them the fairy tale that they are a good person and that THEY never did anything hurtful or inappropriate. Like an 8 year-old.

It's very upsetting to actually accept that about another human being. Once I accepted that, everything that they did didn't hurt less, but it made it a lot easier to go total No Contact. Removing that behavior from my life stopped the lies from continuing. They are very sick people.

[fromheeltoheal]

Whoa.  I dodged a bullet with my ex, and very well could have gone down the path you did Ripples; thanks for the story, and I'm sorry you had to live it.  The sht my ex pulled just kept escalating, reminded me of a little kid pushing it to see what she could get away with, and when I'd finally had enough I left.  That set off a barrage of communication attempts, with her relating as if nothing was wrong, everything was rosy, please call her because she misses me.  What?  Even then, long before I knew about BPD, it was totally obvious that things just weren't right with her, and fortunately I was angry enough to not bite.  And they continued.  As I got less angry and remembered some of the good times, I was more susceptible, but it was obvious what she was doing amounted to a very unhealthy obsession, as I labelled it at the time, and then I learned about BPD.  Ahhh.  The lights came on and everything made sense.  Phew!  Bullet dodged, although the whole thing shook me to my core, and growth ensued, out of necessity.  Everything happens for a reason, and I'm grateful today for the experience, the growth has been worth it.

I can relate to everything you just said!... when I found out about BPD (recently) it was a big "ah haa" moment. I became a bit obsessed with doing the research after finding out but it answered a lot of questions for me as I was left feeling it was all my fault. Im a kind person at heart but was made to be the bad guy.

When I broke up with her there was begging and everything, she was obsessed. As soon as she realised I wasn't giving ground and was dating other women the claws came out.

I almost let this girl move over seas to live with me, can you imagine  

Yeah, let's give ourselves credit for a little mental health.  Part of me found it very difficult to leave her, but then I discovered that I wasn't leaving the real her, I was letting go of the fantasy her in my head, and I wanted nothing to do with the real her.  And then of course the fantasy her came with me, wouldn't let go, took up residence in my head for a long time, which wasn't a bad thing within limits; she had things to teach me.  The feelings I felt towards fakeher were real and pure, although displaced, but real and pure nonetheless.  The 'adjustment' moving forward is to apply those feelings in the real world, towards a girl who can reciprocate.  Stay tuned... .

[bigredboomer]

The best thing you can do with these folks is get them as much out of your life as possible.  The projection, abuse, and black thinking will not stop until you go NC.  My experience has shown that as soon as you come back into a BPD/NPDs life the negative behaviors start up again after a sort honeymoon experience.

I wish you happiness in your new relationship.