Just about to kick out my SO... but we have an 11month old son...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Im waiting for him to get his EI check ((just got laid off)  for him to move out.

A bit of history, my spouse was dumped by his ex, they have a small child as well. She brought him to court saying he was verbally and once psychically abusive and he should not be alone with his son. I of course, did not believe her as I went to school with him and never saw any aggressive behavior from him ( we are both 30) But now Im afraid that my son will become the new target if I am not around.  I know this is the biggest failure in his eyes,loosing his parental rights and im afraid he wont be able to handle the same thing repeating itself. But will he hurt our son? He is a good father but his moods man... .  just banging doors and muttering to himself , I know my baby can feel it, even if i manage to avoid the explosion. Will my baby boy grow up like this? I have to stop it! I am the mom. but I still feel responsible for my SO as well... .  Man this is so f**ked up.

I am afraid for my job. I feel so stupid being afraid to loose my job.But I work 4 on 4 off, 12 hours shifts, and i need babysitting during the day and night if we split up. I cant afford 2 babysitter. Im afraid i will have to quit and go on welfare. Another single welfare mom who has an X who is abusive. ( coincidence, how often did he tell me i wanted to be on welfare, juste like my mom and my sister. cuz im so lazy you know(he knows it hurts me to say that) . maybe thats why im so afraid to do it) . I feel like that should not be important but it is for some reason. I grew up on welfare. I hate it . But what other choice do i have?

I need help

[Rainyren]

Im waiting for him to get his EI check ((just got laid off)  for him to move out.

A bit of history, my spouse was dumped by his ex, they have a small child as well. She brought him to court saying he was verbally and once psychically abusive and he should not be alone with his son. I of course, did not believe her as I went to school with him and never saw any aggressive behavior from him ( we are both 30) But now Im afraid that my son will become the new target if I am not around.  I know this is the biggest failure in his eyes,loosing his parental rights and im afraid he wont be able to handle the same thing repeating itself. But will he hurt our son? He is a good father but his moods man... .  just banging doors and muttering to himself , I know my baby can feel it, even if i manage to avoid the explosion. Will my baby boy grow up like this? I have to stop it! I am the mom. but I still feel responsible for my SO as well... .  Man this is so f**ked up.

I am afraid for my job. I feel so stupid being afraid to loose my job.But I work 4 on 4 off, 12 hours shifts, and i need babysitting during the day and night if we split up. I cant afford 2 babysitter. Im afraid i will have to quit and go on welfare. Another single welfare mom who has an X who is abusive. ( coincidence, how often did he tell me i wanted to be on welfare, juste like my mom and my sister. cuz im so lazy you know(he knows it hurts me to say that) . maybe thats why im so afraid to do it) . I feel like that should not be important but it is for some reason. I grew up on welfare. I hate it . But what other choice do i have?

I need help

[mamachelle]

Hi Rainyren,



I know you have a lot going on from reading your other posts as well. Before you jump to solutions such as quitting your job and moving out and being on welfare, it might be good to brainstorm and look at what other child care options you might have... .  like a relative or close trusting friends to help with your little one. I would start this now as it may also ease some of the tension there is with your H in the house at the moment.

Even before my exBPDH and I split up, my H worked over the road and so I was effectively a single working mom for about 10 years to two young girls.

I found a number of moms in my apartment complex that helped me with watching my kids at first. I also used day care and after school and still do even as I am remarried and still working. it is really hard finding care during late shift work, but maybe if you step back you can find some solutions to help you right now. There are child care subsidies still available in many states if your income qualifies.

Take care and do take a few deep breaths. We are here for you.

Mamachelle

[momtara]

If it's not urgent that he move out right at this moment, maybe you can plan carefully first.  Lawyers sometimes give free consultations and can help you plan.  However, it is very hard to get sole custody, so he may be alone with your boy sometimes.  You'd have to prove severe mental health issues, drug use, etc. to deny him custody (at least as far as I have heard in my state).  I don't want you to lose your job.  And I don't want you to rely on strangers for childcare either.  Maybe there are group situations, like day care or a woman watching a few kids in her home, that are trustworthy? You may want to take a little longer to plan.  Good luck!

[hithere]

But what other choice do i have?

Make a plan, perhaps you can do a reciprocal deal with someone else that works the opposite shifts you do?

Do you have a family member than can help out for free or at a reduced cost?

Look into government assistance?

Is it his child? If yes then he, legally should be responsible for some of the childcare costs and support.

good luck

[Rainyren]

I have to admit, i think i was pretty overwhelmed last night! I've decided to not talk about the break up with my SO until everything is in order. Who knows if i will change my mind or not but right now I realize I need to plan. I think I may be able to find help with overnight child care, its going to be more expensive but worth it. If all goes well he will take my S11 months one week on 1 week off. Im still not sure if i like him alone with S11m. for a week.  But all is up in the air right now.

I spent most the of the night reading on here and it really helped me load off some steam, sorta speak. 

So right now, plan is wait it out until he has his EI. I am going to secretly save money as well , so if there is an excuse of no money for the move, I will pay for it.

Until then, I am going to focus my energy on my son and leave the house the most often that i can on my days off ( iwork 4 on 4 off)  with my son . If my SO is happy I am going to enjoy it. Once a fit starts, I will breath. Break the cycle, not engage.

Any suggestions on thing i may need to prepare or think about ?

[mamachelle]

Rainyren,

It sounds like you are learning some better ways to cope already. There are definitely a lot of things you can do as you figure out your next moves. Hug your little guy and go for walks and go to the park. Try to take some time away to clear your head when you can.

Please take a look and read over on our Legal Board for the best planning advice for parents looking to separate. There are some amazingly supportive people over there that can help you figure out your next move.

It's a process but there are specific things you can and need to do to keep yourself protected.

mamachelle