Well I set some boundries

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I set some boundries tonight and I do not think it went over very well. For one thing he would not talk to me so it was all in text. I told him last night I wanted to start doing things together. He seemed fine about it. I said I am tired of coming over late at night and being at his becconed call. Today I asked him if I could come over friday and make pizza. He rejected the idea. Big surprise. I told him that obviously he does not want to become to involved with me and I am not going to be anybodys bottie call. Well of course I got a response say what the H are you talking about. Then I tried calling and he would not answer, so I sent him a long message. I told him that its been 17 years and I have been nothing but his ace in the hole. I said I deserve better. I told him I can't get to close to him because he will push me away, where does this leave me. I also told him I love him, but he is rejecting it. Not sure if I will hear from him again. My guess is I will and he will act like nothing happened. We have been through this soo many times, but I just can't do it anymore so I know I have to stick with it, but it still hurts.

[benny2]

I set some boundries tonight and I do not think it went over very well. For one thing he would not talk to me so it was all in text. I told him last night I wanted to start doing things together. He seemed fine about it. I said I am tired of coming over late at night and being at his becconed call. Today I asked him if I could come over friday and make pizza. He rejected the idea. Big surprise. I told him that obviously he does not want to become to involved with me and I am not going to be anybodys bottie call. Well of course I got a response say what the H are you talking about. Then I tried calling and he would not answer, so I sent him a long message. I told him that its been 17 years and I have been nothing but his ace in the hole. I said I deserve better. I told him I can't get to close to him because he will push me away, where does this leave me. I also told him I love him, but he is rejecting it. Not sure if I will hear from him again. My guess is I will and he will act like nothing happened. We have been through this soo many times, but I just can't do it anymore so I know I have to stick with it, but it still hurts.

[maria1]

Hi Benny2

The boundaries are for you. You seem to be spending a lot of your energy explaining/ justifying them to him.

I know this is hard but try and shift the focus onto you. What can you do to look after you right now?

What is your boundary here? Is it that you will not be in a non exclusive relationship?

Is it that you will not be sidelined?

Have you looked at the workshops on boundaries? I struggled with the concept and saw it more as conditions I could impose on the relationship at first but then I got that they are for me. NOBODY else even needs to know what they are.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Good luck with your journey

[benny2]

That is exactly what they are, for me. I am not going to be in a casual relationship with this man when he keeps coming back to me and promising me more. I know he is still in contact with is his ex. He tries to hide it from me but I know him all to well. It reminds me so much of when my kids were young and would try to get away with things. I can see right through it. I want more, I deserve more, and I am going to get more, and I know he is not capable of this. I realize he has a disorder but he is a cruel manipulative man with no regaurd to anyone else. The good side to him is fake. 

[maria1]

Good for you.

Maybe you need to stop talking to him about it though and just cut contact?

[benny2]

That is what I am doing now. He will not respond now anyways. He has'nt put his ex out of the picture like he told me. He's been trying oh so hard to hide it from me, but I simply know him to well and can feel the interference. I am going to stick with it because when he said he wanted to make this work that is one of the stipulations I made at the time. He has to break all ties with her and he has not. So I am not contacting him anymore, and I'm sure she is on her way up here. I am no longer going to be a part of this triangle.

[LetItBe]

Good for you, Benny!  I am very happy to read that you're sticking up for yourself.   

[briefcase]

As much as I know this hurts to do, it really sounds like you have found your footing Benny.    

Sometimes living true to our own values (living with boundaries) means putting the relationship at risk.  Many of us here have had to cross the same bridge you are crossing now.  Its a scary and painful journey, but one worth making.

No matter how he reacts, you are on the path of living true to yourself.  That's the point of all this.            

[LetItBe]

As much as I know this hurts to do, it really sounds like you have found your footing Benny.    

Sometimes living true to our own values (living with boundaries) means putting the relationship at risk.  Many of us here have had to cross the same bridge you are crossing now.  Its a scary and painful journey, but one worth making.

No matter how he reacts, you are on the path of living true to yourself.  That's the point of all this.            

This is true.  It does hurt.

I just crossed the bridge, too.  Let me know, Benny, if you need a hand.  It sounds like you've got this, though.

[benny2]

Yes it is hard and it  does hurt but surprisingly I am doing pretty good. Much better than previous breakups. Maybe its because there were no words yet mentioned about being done with the relationship, just boundries, so I am thinking he will be back. Its so tempting to text him hello or something, but this time I know I have remain firm. I know his ex is coming into town soon, if not already here, so I think this will give him something to think about. If I had not done this, he would have continued this forever, but I am just not sure if this is even what I want anymore. Even if he says he wants a commited relationship, how do I beleive him? He has no control over his ever changing mind.

[AllyCat7]

Today I asked him if I could come over friday and make pizza. He rejected the idea. Big surprise.

I don't have much to say here that hasn't already been said, but that was a really sweet thing you proposed about the pizza. Sounds like something I would have done last fall and he would have rejected me, too. Those jerks!

Anyway, one thing I did  notice with mine (before crap hit the fan this year) is that when I would make gentle demands on him, his first response would always be negative. But he would usually come around after a while and try to meet them. But he would push me away in the meantime, which sucked.

You have been with him so long, though, so I'm not sure how that changes things. 17 years of a pattern will be hard to change, but best of luck to you. You deserve someone just as sweet as you!

[benny2]

Thank you Alley Cat. He tells me the same thing, that I deserve better and truthfully I think that may be the root of the whole thing between us. He called me last night saying there is no one else, heard that before, but his behavior is becoming very odd. He asked me over and when I got there he was drinking, he said he only had one but he NEVER drinks and never on nights before work. He has been more quiet than usual, or at least for a longer period of time, and is displaying off the wall sexual behavior. I am not sure what to think. He tells me there is no one else, and all I really have to go on right now is his actions and my gutt feeling. Something is very wrong. He needs help and I know he will not get it. He is seriously mentally ill.