Im Hurting

[daisy111]

I don't know if I'm in the right place or not but I think I might be.  I am writing in regard to my relationship with my husband of nearly 6 years.  We are older, it is the third marriage for both of us.  Each of us were in first marriages that ended in divorces, and then were widowed in our fifties.  Our relationship has been one of intense involvement, one which I am NOT comfortable with.  I used to have many friends, now I have very few.  When I moved into his house I brought two cats with me a reasonable number - but  he had eight cats inside and two cats outside from when he was with his late wife.  For the past five years I have been scooping, vacuuming, and shampooing carpets - slowly the cats have passed on and there are only 2 left.  We were also left with his late wife's elderly father to care for, he is now 92.  That is another story.

I really tried at first to throw parties and have a busy social life, and then I started to have health problems, also - trying to keep the house presentable with that many indoor cats is nearly impossible.  My husband never really seemed to "get" it.  I would complain about it, cry, tear up carpet and padding they had really peed on, but it never sank in.  Now the cats are pretty much gone, and I still resent it because there's no payoff at the end of the all this effort, just a big vet bill.  So even though we have this home, which a beautiful home we keep to ourselves and he is comfortable with that.  He is not close to his family or his children from his first marriage, who are now adults.  I thought that was very strange also, but none of my business.  He just wants to be with me, talk to me and so on.  I find this exhausting, and it puts so much pressure on me.

Recently he took a new job some distance away alone, leaving me at home.  I basically am staying to take care of his father in law at this point which is a boundary violation right there. Ever since he got on that plane so far away there are been people, friends, neighbors, even my husbands own family that are ready to disabuse be of the notion that I've got a good husband at all.  On the face of it, looks like he may be (and I am not saying he definitely is) a serial adulterer.  I am shocked to my core.  This is from a person who had to be with be everywhere I went.  I just thought it was because he loved me.  Now not so sure.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

You are dealing with a lot.

Welcome!  There is experience, strength,  and hope here.

My s.o., we are separated, he flirted a lot. I made an assumption he was having affairs.

Now I know, he never did cheat. 

They have poor boundaries.  Their illness is about never having boundaries.

You are in the right place.

Keep reading hete, sharing.  This is a great community.

Sincerely,  juju

[Radcliff]

daisy111, I'm tired just hearing all of the things you have coped with and are coping with.  This is a great place to get support.

How far away does your husband work?  How often does he come back home?  How long ago did he take the job?

What are you doing to take care of yourself?  What makes you feel good or relaxes you?

Congratulations on taking steps to reach out for help.  All of us took that step at one time.  bpdfamily can make a huge difference!

WW