An interesting development with my sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Mod Note:  This was split from a longer thread which can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342023.0

My sister has  been having issues with her husband, and of course, the fact that "she's lonely."

Maybe I'm being cynical, but is it that a BPD person will do this to get attention. And force me to doing what she wants me to do? I can imagine my dad telling me - she's so unwell, now you better give her the attention she wants.

[MaxRoach]

Mod Note:  This was split from a longer thread which can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342023.0

My sister has  been having issues with her husband, and of course, the fact that "she's lonely."

Maybe I'm being cynical, but is it that a BPD person will do this to get attention. And force me to doing what she wants me to do? I can imagine my dad telling me - she's so unwell, now you better give her the attention she wants.

[Harri]

Hi Max!

I think it is natural to fear that your father will try to pressure you to have more contact with her given the history of his own behavior.

pwBPD generally do not deal well with stress and it sounds like your sister has a lot of it regardless of the origin.  Your sister and your father will most likely revert to typical behaviors.  

What tools can you use to help you cope this time?  Can you anticipate how you will respond should you get the usual pressure?

[MaxRoach]

I can anticipate that he'll use this to tell me to give more love/attention/whatever to my sister.

I'm already hearing how he's reacting from my mother. My dad believes in blood relations more than other relations. While my mom is concerned about my sister improving things with her husband, my dad says the marriage doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is I patch up things with my sister.

So I can anticipate a barrage of pressure coming my way.

How do I react? I guess I keep doing what I have been. Not let it get to me. If he screams or gets abusive, I walk away.

[Harri]

Hi Max!

Yes, anticipate and prepare and continue to use the tools you have been using with your dad.  Do you have some lines in your head that you can say when he starts up?  How about planning what you can do after, if you do need to stop him?

How do you feel about your mom sharing all of that with you?  How do you deal with that?

[MaxRoach]

Things have gotten really bad again.

Since my sister fell unwell a few weeks back, my dad has been pressurizing me to speak to her. Given the situation, I have been listening to my dad - occasionally messaging or calling her. She will typically ignore my messages.

This weekend, my dad lost his mother. She lived with us and all of us were very close to her, but my dad especially. It was hard to believe but my sister has been leveraging this situation. Since it happened, she has been attacking my mother, saying our grandmom was more of a mother to her than her. She's been writing poems and putting it on social media. She knows that my dad is very sensitive about his mother, so she has been displaying that she's particularly impacted by her death. As I said, we were all close to her, but my sister didn't share a particularly special relationship that she's claiming to exhibit. All the while, she's again been telling my father that she's low and lonely. All of this has made me angry 'cos I feel at a time like this, my dad should be allowed to grief and be the focus, not my sister's "lonelineless." But my dad is also complying, continuining to increase pressure on me to message my sister. He asked me to ask my girlfriend to message her. He's been continuously asking me to reach out to her 'cos she's low.

Last night, I got angry and said she doesn't even bother replying to my messages, why should I reach out to her? Today I called my mom to ask about her mother (who is also very unwell), but both of them pounced on me and told me to call my sister 'cos she's lonely. My dad said that he spoke to my sister, and the reason she doesn't reply is that she prefers calls. Both said it's my job to make an effort 'cos I'm more mature and my sister is unwell. It infuriated me. I started JADE-ing, telling them that we are all grieving and why is her grief more important, and why is always on me to message her. It was going down to a drama episode, with my dad defending her even more. Thankfully, I stopped and cut the phone. But I was angry and finally messaged my sister, saying the things I've been wanting to say for almost a year. I told her she has poisoned my relationship with my dad, and how she is never happy. But talking to her is pointless, 'cos she's deluded. She told me that I was the one complaining to my dad about her not replying (even though she's been complaining for years!). And she essentially put everything on me, and how she's done so much for me, and I'm too busy with my life (WHAT?). Anyway I realized that talking to her was also pointless so I stopped replying.

But I'm seething and I'm angry with myself and my family:

• I'm angry that I fell into the trap again. Her falling sick was a plea for attention, and given the situation, I gave into what my dad was asking me to do (talk to her). But like always, whatever I do is never enough - if I message, I need to call. If I call, I need to meet.
• I'm angry that I started JADE-ing. My dad knows it intuitively that whenever I JADE, it's an opportunity to attack. I defended myself saying she doesn't reply, I was basically justifying myself, and also doing what she does. It just led to more drama
• I can't believe that in a time like this -  a pandemic, one grandmother dead, the other one her deathbed - she has somehow managed to make it about herself and her loneliness. It's just wrong.
• There is no winning this and it makes me really sad. My relationship with my father is permanently damaged if my sister is around. I had expected this to be a time of deep grief for him. But for him, it's still more important to deal with my sister and her drama, and defend her. It's so blind.
• I want to go NC with her again. I had agreed with my dad that I'd speak with her and keep a basic, amicable relationship. But it's never enough. I hadn't spoken to her for 8 months and that was an issue. I started speaking to her over the last 7 months, and my sister and dad are still unhappy. What the hell am I supposed to do?

[zachira]

I totally sympathize with you feeling frustrated and wanting to go NC again with your sister. I have a sibling with BPD and another with NPD; in my experience, the personality disordered sibling makes everything about them and their needs, especially when a close family members has died. It is a life long sorrow to have to struggle with a highly dysfunctional family. You are like many members here, in that you clearly see and feel the dysfunction while your family members just don't get it. Can you tell us more about how you are different from your family members?

[GaGrl]

I'm so sorry. It must be beyond frustrating that your father enables your sister in this way, especially when your elderly relatives are dying.

Your sister has problems that you cannot solve for her -- primarily that of hervmartiage. That is her priority relationship, and that is where her energy needs to focus. Everyone else "supporting" her by filling a role to alleviate her loneliness is enabling her by diverting from the marital problems.

All that she is doing, and all that your father is doing, are very much a part of the BPD and co-workers pattern. You don't want to be part of that dynamic. You are correct -- considering where your sister is now, nothing you do will be enough.

Don't feel bad about getting sucked in to the dysfunctional dynamics. We all make mistakes -- these are difficult relationships to navigate.

If you are going No Contact again, what can you say to your dad  when he brings up your sister again? Do you use SET?

[MaxRoach]

I totally sympathize with you feeling frustrated and wanting to go NC again with your sister. I have a sibling with BPD and another with NPD; in my experience, the personality disordered sibling makes everything about them and their needs, especially when a close family members has died. It is a life long sorrow to have to struggle with a highly dysfunctional family. You are like many members here, in that you clearly see and feel the dysfunction while your family members just don't get it. Can you tell us more about how you are different from your family members?

I guess I'm just generally happier and self-sufficient compared to my family members. I honestly have no complains from my life, except that of my sister. My mom is a bit like that too, but my father and sister are not.

I'm so sorry. It must be beyond frustrating that your father enables your sister in this way, especially when your elderly relatives are dying.

Your sister has problems that you cannot solve for her -- primarily that of hervmartiage. That is her priority relationship, and that is where her energy needs to focus. Everyone else "supporting" her by filling a role to alleviate her loneliness is enabling her by diverting from the marital problems.

All that she is doing, and all that your father is doing, are very much a part of the BPD and co-workers pattern. You don't want to be part of that dynamic. You are correct -- considering where your sister is now, nothing you do will be enough.

Don't feel bad about getting sucked in to the dysfunctional dynamics. We all make mistakes -- these are difficult relationships to navigate.

If you are going No Contact again, what can you say to your dad  when he brings up your sister again? Do you use SET?

But what do I do when my father does not see her primary relationship as her marriage. In his own words, blood relationships are more important. He has told my mother that he cares more about our sibling relationship rather than her marriage. That's huge pressure.

I don't know what to say to my dad. Yesterday I messaged my sister and told her that she's ruined my relationship with my father. Later, I realized that was a mistake. because that's exactly she wants. I've let her know that she has this kind of power in my life.

But isn't that choice mine? I can define whether I let my sister ruin my relationship with my father. I don't know how but it feels like I can dictate how much I let her impact me.

But I don't know what I can say or do to make that happen. My father is obsessed and blinded by her.

[GaGrl]

It's sad that your father doesn't see marriage as the primary relationship in a family. I wonder if your mother has dealt with that all during their marriage.

That is not your belief, and perhaps that is where you start in rd-defining your relationship with your father. It's quite okay to disagree with him on such an important tenet. It is a value you hold, and values help you define boundaries.

What boundaries can you define for yourself based on how you value marriage (hours and others)?

[MaxRoach]

My mother has suffered too 'cos of my dad's belief. For him his relationship to his mother and daughter have been more important than to the wife.

I honestly don't know how to define boundaries in a situation like this. My family has broken down.

My mother called me howling and crying today. My sister complained about the messages I had written to her. She has given them an ultimatum that she will kill herself.

My parents are helpless. My mom wants to stop saying things like that to my sister and support them in trying to get her into therapy. I asked them what exactly they want, since no matter what I do, it's not enough for my dad or my sister. She said my dad would talk to me. I said I don't want to discuss my sister with him, since he gets emotional and says nasty things, and gets angry. She said he won't, and that it's an illness and we need to treat it.

I don't know. It's crazy pressure to be blamed for her ultimatum. And it doesn't seem like my parents are in a situation themselves to accept NC.

[GaGrl]

No one can force "help" on your sister if she doesn't want it or recognizes that she needs it.

Your parents can't operate in the family with more legal authority than her husband. (See...the law recognizes marriage as the primary relationship.)

No one is responsible for your sister making suicide threats (whether real or manipulative) except your sister. No one is responsible for your sister carrying out a suicide threat except your sister.

[MaxRoach]

But my parents are in no state to accept that. They are petrified of her committing suicide. I don’t know what to do?

[zachira]

You can call 911 or the local emergency number in your country, and a mental health worker accompanied by the police will go to your sister's residence, and evaluate her risk for suicide. You can do this every time she threatens suicide.

[MaxRoach]

I can but my parents won’t. She makes the threats to them. They will never do this.

For them, the answer to the threats is to work collective as a family and get help for her.

[zachira]

You can still call even if she makes the threats to your parents.

[Harri]

Hi Max.   

Rather than calling 911 or emergency in a different country you can talk with your sister and say something like:

Hi sis.  I am sorry you are struggling so much and I really wish we could help you.  We care about you and want you to get better.  We do not have the training or skills to help someone who is suicidal though so would you rather we take you to the hospital or call for the ambulance?

The above is better in a lot of cases rather than making a call that will often bring out police, rescue and a fire truck in addition to a lot of attention which can amplify the stress and upset you, your parents and sister may be feeling.  By giving her a choice of going to the hospital or calling the ambulance, she will hear that you all want to help her and that you are not trained to deal with such matters.  She will get the message that doing the same old thing you have always done (not sure what that is? - attention from you and parents maybe?) is no longer an option.

What do you think?