Knowledge: It Helps and It Doesn't

[UmbrellaBoy]

Sigh. Tonight I'm feeling so frustrated about this concept: knowing he has BPD doesn't give me any additional power to make things work with him. It gives me the ability to not blame myself, to realize that it wasn't merely a question of "he's just not that into you" but rather real love combined with a real personality disorder... .but even understanding his psyche inside-out doesn't put me one step closer to being able to get back in contact, get him to give things another chance, or get him to go into therapy. It's not like the knowledge gives some secret advantage in terms of influencing him (towards therapy and another chance at the relationship). If anything, it only reveals how hopeless anything but No Contact is. Maybe it means if he comes back to recycle on his own I will be prepared to say "No, not unless you admit your problems to friends and family and get therapy for them." But unless that happens... .merely knowing gives me no particular power to fix things, which makes me sad sometimes.

[Ironmanrises]

The knowledge of knowing he is BPD... .

Means you will eventually come to the realization that... .

That person will never be the kind of person you need in your life.

Read enough of the accounts on here and you will see... .

The same pattern throughout.

Hang in there.

[UmbrellaBoy]

I know. Well, maybe I don't know yet. There are people, even on this board, who try to make it work and support the person through therapy. There must be some cases where they get help and it works out. But I can't put my hope in that. But I know deep down I still imagine it.

And I know that for a long time I liked the challenge. I'm attracted, or was, to broken personalities. I have a fetish for redemption and saving someone from their own psychological issues. I wish I could save just one. Some people do sometimes, I think, maybe? But maybe I need to realize that I am not, in fact, strong enough. That personality disorders... .always will win against other people who try to fight them. The only person who can beat them is the person himself with a therapist. But admitting that is hard for me.

[Ironmanrises]

Read those accounts carefully on that staying board... .

Is that how you wish to live?

Constant turmoil... .

Amidst brief glimpses of sunshine... .

And the person who will suffer the most... .

Is the non.

That is what you will endure with someone with that disorder.

There is no way around that.

No matter how knowledgable... .

Compassionate... .

Have empathy... .

For the stricken BPD person.

That very person... .

Will hurt you.

Over and over.

It is a cruel paradox.

I know.

I too wished to stand by my exUBPDgf side.

But at what cost?

My self esteem?

My health?

My very being?

I am worth far more then to be the emotional punching bag of someone who is disordered.

And so are you.

You will come to this realization.

Your well being depends on that.

[Clearmind]

UB, when one partner has BPD or any mental illness it does and will impact the relationship not just you.

Its unfortunate. I found it frustrating because its my nature to want to fix. I couldn't fix BPD. It 's a control thing or lack there of.

Ask yourself why its frustrating?

[Learning_curve74]

Knowledge is power. If you think you are powerless, think again. We are strong enough to fix our own problems.

[Aussie0zborn]

Having the knowledge may not help you fix the problem but it allows you to identify the problem. Once its identified you can make a clear choice as to what you want to do with it.

[blurry]

Fyi Umbrella, I was thinking the same thing as you last winter, at that point, during a breakup, I figured I had nothing to lose so I told my upwBPD that she has BPD and needed therapy. She totally embraced it, promised therapy, wholehearted thanked me and told me she loved me even more than ever for actually going back to someone like her, knowing what we then knew was affecting her.

Well, all that went straight out the door inside a week of me quitting my job, losing my place and moving back in with her upon her promises of getting therapy and never leaving me again. Just like they love you one day, hate you the next. They can embrace therapy and take responsibility for treating the illness one day, and go right back to total denial the next. Really a sad thing.

Mine never got into therapy, but from what I've read, they end up behaving the same way with therapy, as they do in our relationships, the push/pull type thing. I'm hard pressed to believe my wife would ever stick with therapy even if she started it.

I mean, what's easier for her at this point? Going through intense, lengthy therapy, possibly for the rest of her life, or just simply moving on and using a new guy to suit her needs, one who isn't at fault in her eyes, for all this?

[musicfan42]

I originally started looking up resources on BPD to help my BPD ex however I found that the resources helped me instead. I use DBT skills in my everyday life-I think they are skills that could help anyone really. I think it's Seeking Balance that describes them as "emotional kindergarten" and I really like that expression... I feel it's very apt. I also found the lessons in the workshop section of this website to be invaluable.

You can't change the pwBPD however you can focus on yourself now and take care of your own emotional needs.

[winston72]

UB... .no person has the power to change another person.  The desire to have that power reveals more about us than the person we desire to change.  Check out your initial post:

knowing he has BPD doesn't give me any additional power to make things work with him. It gives me the ability to not blame myself, to realize that it wasn't merely a question of "he's just not that into you" but rather real love combined with a real personality disorder... .but even understanding his psyche inside-out doesn't put me one step closer to being able to get back in contact, get him to give things another chance, or get him to go into therapy. It's not like the knowledge gives some secret advantage in terms of influencing him (towards therapy and another chance at the relationship).

Ultimately, controlling someone else, which is what the desire to change them implies, will not lead to a mutually satisfying relationship.  I have lived with a keen desire to save, help, rescue, empower others.  I have typically viewed it as a loving and kind aspect of my personality.  While there is certainly a strong thread of this in my behavior, it really highlights some issues within me that need to be addressed.  And, this emphasis in my relating to significant others has not led to deep, lasting romantic partnerships.  Quite the contrary.

[Learning_curve74]

UB... .no person has the power to change another person.  The desire to have that power reveals more about us than the person we desire to change.

Ultimately, controlling someone else, which is what the desire to change them implies, will not lead to a mutually satisfying relationship.  I have lived with a keen desire to save, help, rescue, empower others.  I have typically viewed it as a loving and kind aspect of my personality.  While there is certainly a strong thread of this in my behavior, it really highlights some issues within me that need to be addressed.  And, this emphasis in my relating to significant others has not led to deep, lasting romantic partnerships.  Quite the contrary.

What winston72 writes is very true. Our romantic partner doesn't need to have a personality disorder to resent our efforts to change them. For example two friends of mine have SO's that smoke and have tried to convince them to quit. Everybody knows it is an unhealthy habit. However both smokers resent it and always say, "if you love me, then you'll accept me." And this is true even of the one SO who would like to quit smoking!

Unfortunately, BPD fundamentally affects the sufferer's ability to maintain long lasting loving relationships. So the conflict directly damages the core of the relationship.

Many people are their own worst enemy, and that goes for both pwBPD and nons.

[musicfan42]

Many people are their own worst enemy, and that goes for both pwBPD and nons.

I got told this the other day and it honestly felt like the person was calling me a loser basically so no, I didn't like it at all.

I'm a bit calmer now and realizing that the phrase probably means "self-sabotaging".

I don't think that phrase will actually make anyone change though. It triggered a lot of anger within me and I just ended up blaming the other person before realizing "oh they're right... damn" but I still feel a bit resentful all the same. Even though the person undoubtedly had good intentions, I just thought "why don't you take a look at your own life before criticizing me?" It definitely felt criticism and no one likes criticism, least of all borderlines.

The willingness to change really has to come from within... no matter how much someone tries to nag/cajole you to change, you're just not going to do it unless you actually want to do it yourself. I'm realizing now that I need to be kinder to myself however it's because I want to do it myself, not because someone told me to do it.

The same principle applies for borderlines-if they decide to enter recovery, then it really has to be their own decision. If it's forced upon them, then they're only going to resent the other person.