BPD and Jobs

[dillan6241]

Hello bpdfamily,

I wanted to get some people's insight into BPDs and the jobs they hold. If you've read my story, my exBPDgf left about 3 months ago suddenly and really abruptly because she felt 'trapped' and 'tied down' in an otherwise what I thought was a stable r/s. In the end she just wanted to party and live life w/o regrets, no commitments, no judgments ... . her words not mine. Her reasons did change constantly, so I just went NC and its been about 2 months.

Unfortunately people still tell me about her before I can stop them. But is there any link between BPDs and their inconsistency in terms of jobs? Within a year, my exBPDgf held three different jobs. She got Job A, but because of a fight with some other girls and the manager there, she walked out of Job A for Job B. She rarely worked Job B and couldn't put two and two together, that maybe if I work more I'll get more money, but eventually she left Job B because of more drama with some other girls and slow work to get back to Job A. She worked Job A and Job B for a little while, until she dropped Job B and working full time at Job A. Can you guess it? Yes, more drama at Job A with all the employees there and managers, so she dropped Job A (claimed it was money issues) which was 1/4 mile away from her place, to get Job C, which is about 30 miles from her place.

So, all of this happened in about a year. She's very, very good at this one thing she does as a job, but she seemed to always clash with fellow workers in some manner, especially managers. Is this something anyone else has experienced, or maybe this is normal for a server to constantly jump jobs... . although I've held the same office job for 5+ years ... . it just seems unusual to me.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Dillan6241

From what it looks like on many posts here, yes is the answer to your question.

In my case?

My now exBP is almost in his 6th year of unemployment, despite having a degree in a Geological type career. From what his Mother often told me, he went through many jobs in his years of employment, and often left due to clashes with others, or  his own obviously ill behaviour/actions, (he often laughed about how he had this bad habit of really shouting at people who he thought were trying to get at him in some way), and he would make many a joke about his lack of Mental Health etc, but when it came time to front up, man up and get serious about doing something about it, he would then get really angry and aggressive, (actually dangerous to be around him at times).

I don't know if this helps you any, but your ex sounds familiar to many here.

Anyway, just my two cents.

Cheers

Roller

[Pecator]

Yeah Dillian,

I think this is quite typical. The Splitting, dysregulation and recycling we face in our r/s with them can often play out in the workplace.

But it is not always. Mine has had the same job for over 15 years. She is quite good at it and has many promotions. Still, she did often spit everyone into black/white. But not enough to trigger her.

This is a "Spectrum Disorder."

(learned that phrase early on. very helpful )

[hergestridge]

Ever since my BPDw got her first employment she's been fixated on the quitting (or at least being able to quit) the job she's holding at the moment because she feels "trapped". She's been talking to me about it a lot and more frequently when she's dysegulating, seeking my support to just quit without having another job to go to. I have refused support her decision because it would mean we would have to leave our home and it would disasterous to our economy.

Being wired the way she is, her interpretation of this situation is that I'm forcing her to stay on her job by not encouraging her to quit her job.

[dillan6241]

In response to everyone, when we were together she did come home EVERY NIGHT and complain EVERY TIME about how such and such did this, or how can you believe this happened at work, or this person is really bothering me. While together she still had drama at work, but she never went out and said bad things about these girls ... . but then I was told on her Twitter that she is being more nasty and vindictive to these girls, calling them sluts and wishing they got AIDS.

I don't know about you, but I prefer a very stable, somewhat routine r/s and life. It may sound boring I guess, but I've always disliked drama and having to deal with it. With my exBPDgf, it was almost like she was addicted and enjoyed it, which is probably another reason why she left because she felt bored /w our r/s. Even her family (her mom and dad have diff families) are always getting into some type of drama, but for me and my family we've all been chill and avoiding the drama nonsense. I don't know ... . maybe some part of the BPD disorder enjoys the drama? 

[BorisAcusio]

My exBPDgf have worked only for a month last year as a babysitter. She was fired due the constant conflict with the mother of the children. Every single day, she vented for at least an hour about how badly she was treated. Actually, I didn't see any maltreatment, she was paid well but acted rude and entitled towards them(!).

Before that, she worked as an in-home elderly caregiver. The old man was a blind engineer, 90 percent self-sufficient so she could spend most of her worktime on online dating chats. The family wasn't home all day and even prepared meals for her. It was the ideal job. No boss, little to no work, lot of free time, no collegaues, no expectations.

She had fantasies about becoming an online porn/webcam modell, at the age of 37, with a beautiful daughter. Most likely even went to an audition behind my back. 

[Lion Fire]

I cannot count the amount of jobs my ex has had in the 3 years that I've known her. Her reasons for leaving vary. Some reasons are plausible and others sketchy. It seems she cannot hold anything down for a long period of time whether that be a relationship, job, health plan, spiritual path etc...

She has worked for 6 weeks in the last 18 months. According to her, she was a really high achiever when she was younger (which I can believe) but has been on a long run bad luck in recent years.

Depression and "physical illnesses" of all kinds have also held her back. She turns work away regularly and lves on social benefits and boyfriends now 

From my angle, I believe her disease has escalated over the years which is most probably the main factor.

[Forestaken]

My s2bx, worked only season part time jobs, stay at home mom who wouldn't wash a plate.

[Banshee]

My ex held his job for 12 years ... It was a contracting job where he would be sent to different locations every so many months... EVERY time he would relocate I thought he would quit or get fired, His anxiety would get so high over the new location . Finally at the end of December he got laid off... I'm assuming this is true BC he is getting unemployment.

What He did tell me was his boss knew to put by himself on a job  because how others got on his nerves.

I'm really surprised he hasn't got fired early on about that and the days he would stay out bc the drive was stressful or the location was cold wet etc...

He's at home doing much of nothing now ... i'm sure finding other things to focus his anxieties and worries on.

[MrFox]

I never really thought about it until reading this thread but my exBPDgf job hopped as well.  The only job she held onto was her photography business, which she worked alone and had almost total control.

When we met she was working as a receptionist at a medical center.  I believe she may have had that job for a year and a half to perhaps two years total.  We lost contact for about 8 months and by the time we reconnected she was no longer working there.  I never found out why.  At that point she was living of her photography work and her roommate.

She then moved back to her home state for six months to be a nanny for her sister.  She moved back here after something happened, but would never tell me in detail what happened.  Honestly, I suspect she may have been inappropriate with her sister's husband.  They didn't speak for months after she came back.

Once she was back she worked part-time at a clothing store and resumed her photography.  She quit the clothing store using the reason that she wasn't being paid enough.  Coincidentally she quit after she did some promotional photography for the owner.  Instead of listening to what the owner wanted she did what she wanted and the owner was not happy with the results and although they paid her for the work, they never used it.

For the rest of our time together she simply worked for herself, which seems to be what she really needs. 

I live in a small town and have heard about her from time to time.  At the beginning of the year I heard she was turning her photography business into a life coaching business.  The thought of her coaching anyone on how to live life is somewhat terrifying to me.

About 6 weeks ago a friend who knows the story of my ex and I warned me no longer go to the eyeglass place I get my glasses from as she was now working their as a receptionist.  It struck me as weird since she should know the place I get my glasses from since I had mentioned it before, but considering how self-involved she is, she may never actually listened to me say anything about it.

A week ago I ran into an acquaintance of hers.  They asked me if I heard the latest.  I should have said no and ended the conversation, but curiosity got the better of me.  My ex has quit the eyeglass place (which is awesome because I can go there again), is closing down her photography business, and is simply going to be a housewife while her new husband works.  I asked about the photography thing, since it was always her steady work.

My ex is claiming that she is stopping due to health issues.  Most likely the same "health issues" that pop up whenever she needs attention, or doesn't want to do something, or whatever the reason.  The acquaintance believes that the real reason is that my ex isn't getting much work anymore.  Seems that the months of smearing she did of me on her social media has made people weary of working with her.  I have to admit that is some what satisfying in a juvenile way.

I imagine she will spend her days surfing the internet, stalking people via social media, and writing self-indulgent diatribes about how much of a victim she has been in life.  Her husband will continue to work and try to support the two of them on a retail clerk's salary until the day she walks out on him.

[dillan6241]

Does anyone know the psychology behind this? Is it a sense of feeling 'trapped' or something, or just drama/clashing?

As a side note but a similar issue, after leaving her father's house abruptly, my exBPDgf couldn't live with someone for very long. She lived with her mom, which went well for a month, then crashed and burned horribly 2 months later. She then lived with a friend, but then was kicked out 3 months later because she was dismissive with the kids, and would always come back late drunk and stupid ... . she didn't respect their rules. So, she moved in with me for about a year, but then she said she felt 'trapped' with me as well because I didn't let her cross certain boundaries (partying and drinking every night; inviting other guys over to my apartment for parties; staying out late every night till 3AM and then asking if I would pick her up; talking to two exbfs like they were ___ing best friends who apparently 'raped' her) and left. So... . she moved back in with her friend ... . that went well for all of 3 weeks, so she got her own apartment.

I guess her own apartment thing is going well, though she struggles to pay for it. Is it that these people just want complete and utter 100% freedom to do what they want, when they want, and cross boundaries?

[sirius]

Hello bpdfamily,

If you've read my story, my exBPDgf left about 3 months ago suddenly and really abruptly because she felt 'trapped' and 'tied down' in an otherwise what I thought was a stable r/s. In the end she just wanted to party and live life w/o regrets, no commitments, no judgments ... . her words not mine. Her reasons did change constantly, so I just went NC and its been about 2 months.

Unfortunately people still tell me about her before I can stop them.

My exBPDgf is a lawyer, after 6 months into one firm, she starts to hate people there and finally at the end of 9 months, she quit but always has one other firm with a better offer lined up, similar to Skip's analogy of working in Starbucks. When she got into another firm, she is fine at the begining and people liked her, honeymoon phase and then came 6 or 7months there, hatred brewing with teamates and boss and she left after one year again with another offer lined up and this one before the break up, she was there for 18 months and she was planning to leave since long ago when she started there. Now, the above quote is what she wanted and also i heard her saying this, no committments, no responsibilities and wants to party all time... . having fun. Whenever she felt the distance between me and her she will bring up the subject of getting married and when I commits to it, she backs away... . get what I mean?

[hergestridge]

On the other hand I remember when my wife was unemployed. She felt "trapped" on her unemployment too. It was hell everytime she applied for a job because she assumed she would get it and when she didn't she would take it out on me. If I had encouraged her (even a little bit) to apply, then she would hold me responsible for the whole "tragedy" of not getting it.

They only thing she'd be happy with is being financially supported with no responsibilities.

[PuzzledMate]

It's as if they are reading from a script!

Mine is also an excellent employee.  Never calls in sick, always excels at what she does but is never happy.  If there is a perceived slight by anyone, she wants to quit or thinks she is about to get fired at all times.  I've also caught her in a few lies about her office closing, etc.  She just wants to stay home and tries to guilt me by saying I am 'forcing her to go to a bad place and she can't physically or emotionally handle it'.  At one point, about 5 years ago, we were trying to get her to stay home.  But, things change and I got laid off.  I ended up taking a job making about 24K less than before but she still holds me to the same standard as if I am still making great money.  She doesn't take the fact that our situation has changed and so that means she must continue to work.  She said the mental cruelty at work is not worth it and she is going to quit leaving me to 'figure things out'. 

As the above posts say, they just want to stay home and be taking care of.  We all know that doesn't work, especially if they are alone with their thoughts.  Recipe for disaster.

[hergestridge]

Now this will sound like me b___ing, but about ten years ago my wife (then gf) got a job where the got to take on as much work as the wanted and got paid by the hour doing phone interviews. When she got the job we had joint finances in the household. We did some couting and saw that she could do an OK full time salary if she worked between six and seven hours every day. Initially she worked about five hours per day, but soon she dropped to 2-3 hours, if even that. It turned out that she hung out downtown drinking cofee with the her younger co-workers who were basically students working for pocket money.

I asked her if she expected me to pay all the bills and mortgages for the house we'd just bought. She then told me that

a/ the work was hard and that noone could possibly work full time (refering to her poor mental health)

b/ she needed a social life so would i please stop complaining

From that point I had told that I wanted her to pay half the bills.

She was working 6 hours per day in no time and soon she got herself a much better job.

So much for understanding and tolerance.

I never turned around and we still have separate finances, thank you god. We only have a shared account for food which I almost regret because she's empties that in no time once she goes into one of her sudden macrobiotic diets or whatever (without consulting me, when we're low on cash etc).

[iluminati]

As the above posts say, they just want to stay home and be taking care of.  We all know that doesn't work, especially if they are alone with their thoughts.  Recipe for disaster.

At one point, my BPDex did work from home where she could make her own hours.  She just stayed at home all day, stopping for various eating binges.  That was a recipe for disaster.

I know at various times that my ex has had opportunities for better jobs, but she's either quit or gotten herself fired from every opportunity.  They just want another parent to make up for the one they never had.  Even now, she's talking about how she doesn't make much money, even though she could make more money that she currently is.  And I know she had other people paying her way because there's no way she could be maintaining her current lifestyle right now.

To be married to someone with BPD is to be asked to be the Perfect Parent (tm).

[Perfidy]

Spoons... . Always stirring the pot.

[MusicCity123]

Yes this is my case too.  When things got financially tough in my family,  my wife got a job at a grocery store.  I was working three jobs at the time.  Full time 8-10 hours a day,  Retail until 11:00 on weekdays and another job doing dj work at weddings on the weekends (when I could get the jobs)   That first paycheck she earned was like manna from heaven.  But some ladies ticked her off in the deli, so she quit. 

She then got a job at a big retail chain,  This one lasted for a few months but her "boss was a jerk"  and eventually instead of trying to work it out.  she quit.  She got a third job for a month or two but then quit.  She has been stay at home ever since.  This was about 7 years ago.  I kept my three jobs until my doctor told me I would probably drop dead if I didnt quit the evening jobs.  I quit the evening jobs.  There is something in some BPD folks that affect their ability to keep a job.  Maybe it is a control thing.  If one thing is not right about their work place, if they cant change it then they give up.  I am thinking more and more that maybe she didnt want to work period. 

[dillan6241]

My exBPDgf was so damn naive it was so annoying! She believed that everyone, every guy too had a good heart and that they just wanted to be friends. She was so flirty with every guy and wanted to befriend every single girl she could come in contact with ... . I mean some of these guys I know just wanted to get in her pants, and she even told me of one from her place of work that plain out said this to her (why the ___ would you tell me that?).

The world simply put DOES NOT work this way. Not every person is an honest and wonderful person. There are people out there who will not like you for whatever reason, I have to deal with it all the time, but you maintain a professional relationship with these people for the sake of your job. No ... . when my exBPDgf realized that she couldn't fit in with the people she thought were so perfect, that she clashed with them ... . she quit and gave up dealing with them. She would give up ENTIRE shifts at a restaurant for weeks at a time because such and such was working that shift. She would quit entire jobs because she didn't like working with the people there, RATHER THAN deal with the people like a professional adult. Its incredibly immature and reflects their emotional immaturity.

[Unique135]

Hello bpdfamily,

I wanted to get some people's insight into BPDs and the jobs they hold.

My ex is a law enforcement officer and loves the control and the thrill.  Basically, he is a control freak and his profession suits him well.  He also likes the fact that he does not have someone watching his back every single second.