Hi Martillo,
I will offer my feedback. And hopefully some of it will be helpful to you.
"With all of me, I love you. My heart is aching and hurting right now. I am stressed and worried about you, us, our marriage and our family. I don’t know where we are going; but I do know that we can’t continue our marriage the way it has been; the way it is right now.
I know that you are prefacing your statement with a statement of love. But I'm afraid your BPDH is only going to focus on "can't continue our marriage" and perceive the potential for "abandonment" from his perspective. You see in the mind of a person with BPD (pwBPD), you cannot have both love and a willingness to leave; you can only have one or the other. I know you can and do feel both. But I do not believe he can understand this.
I also know that you are trying to communicate to him this possibility as a means to lessening the blow it would be to him if you ever should decide to leave. I don't think this will help him. For pwBPD, there is no option to pull the band-aid off slowly. But this doesn't mean I think you should not consider it.
I have asked of you, that we, as a couple, get outside help. Some options are:
Retrouvaille retreats – retrouvaille.org
My Church Counseling Center has marriage counseling
A multitude of private counselors throughout our area who specialize in marriage counseling.
Attached high conflict couple book
And I am sure there are lots of other options for outside help.
You will forever be my husband. I will forever love you. We need help for our marriage, for each other."
I think you should keep you communication simple but clear.
Something like:
"I love you.
But the way we have been conducting our marriage is causing me to hurt and be in pain. I do not want it to continue in this way any more.
I believe we can change things. But it will require that you and I participate in one or more of the following: [insert your list]. *If you choose not to participate in these things for our marriage's sake, I will understand your choice.* I believe our marriage is worth the effort. If you do not, I must act accordingly.
etc. etc... ."
And most importantly. Don't just listen to his words. *Listen to his actions.* If he acts in a manner inconsistent to his words, then trust his actions. And act accordingly. Establish your boundaries not only with words but with action.
Best wishes,
Schwing