Question

[Darkcloud]

I'm curious my BPD fiancé is refusing to stop smoking pot to make changes in his BPD personality , I want to know if anyone has the same experience ? Does smoking pot stop you from working in therapy ? His therapy is agreeing that he needs to quit smoking pot in order to work on DBT . I feel the same way. I know I can't force him but I will not be going back in a relationship with him if he doesn't make changes but is there anyway you can say to make him see ? He said he need to smoke pot to stop his craving of herion but I don't think it's truth . Any thought ?

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[Cloudy Days]

I have a love hate relationship with Pot. For one thing I much rather my husband use it than alcohol or any other drugs he could possibly use. People with BPD have very addictive personalities. Whether it is pot, alcohol, gambling or even just getting stuck on the internet they are going to be addicted to something. My husband did a lot of very good therapy while smoking pot. If it is legal where you are then maybe just ask him to cut down. My husband used it as a mood regulator. He had to stop using it because it is illegal where we are and he did start taking meds. I don't really see a difference in how much work he has done between the meds or the Pot. In fact he seemed happier on the pot. He just needed something to take him down a notch. My husband has racing thoughts a lot of the time and the pot tends to slow them down so he can focus on things easier. I know it is different for every person. But I feel that as long as he is going to therapy, then quitting the pot right now may not be needed. I must add that I used to smoke pot on a regular basis for about 5 years. Sometimes everyday and it does not stop you from working on yourself. It's a good way to relax at the end of the day. It's when they are high all the time morning day and night that maybe it is an issue. I hated it because it cost so dang much and when he would run out he would be kind of insane. I no longer do it either unless it is a special occasion. Quitting is no joke, there are withdrawals and someone with BPD will pretty much be bouncing off the walls for a couple weeks unless they go on meds. For me I had a lot of Anxiety, it was very hard to sleep for probably a week and I had terrible nightmares when I did sleep. I think the anxiety is what causes someone with BPD to go pretty nutty. For a non quitting is pretty easy. For someone with BPD it is not.

[Darkcloud]

Thankyou cloudy day. Yes I don't mind that he smoke. But like you said he is high all day morning , evening , and night . I guess maybe somehow he can use it less. He did told me that the pot help him control his anxiety .

[TheRealJongoBong]

Quitting is no joke, there are withdrawals and someone with BPD will pretty much be bouncing off the walls for a couple weeks unless they go on meds.

Cloudy Days, do you have personal experience with this?  My uBPDw was high pretty much all the time for quite a while (years), and then stopped because she started thinking I was poisoning it. At that point things became really weird with increased paranoia, wild accusations, calls to the police etc. This behavior has ended up with her in the psych ward for saying she wanted to burn our house down. They put her on meds so maybe things will calm down a little bit.

[Cloudy Days]

[quote author=TheRealJongoBong link=topic=282767.msg12670870#msg12670870 date=1441901692

Cloudy Days, do you have personal experience with this?  My uBPDw was high pretty much all the time for quite a while (years), and then stopped because she started thinking I was poisoning it. At that point things became really weird with increased paranoia, wild accusations, calls to the police etc. This behavior has ended up with her in the psych ward for saying she wanted to burn our house down. They put her on meds so maybe things will calm down a little bit.[/quote]
I do have personal experience with it, I have quit several times myself so I know what it feels like for a normal person. My husband was quitting at the same time. He was insane, angry, edgy, moody, paranoid, wasn't sleeping, basically it magnified the BPD by like 10 and add in a few other insanities and just all around extremely hard to get along with. He wanted to kill the neighbors and actually ended up getting arrested because of a threat he had made. They kept him for 4 months to do a psych evaluation where he was put on meds. It was a nightmare, hence the Love hate relationship comment. Can't love something that much when going off of it does this to your husband. It was a good thing when he was on it, it was a very bad thing when he was going off of it. There were days where he would run out and we wouldn't be able to find any, those were always bad days. We went on Vacation where it took him a couple days to get it, the Vacation was a nightmare to say the least. It makes them go wacky. 

[TheRealJongoBong]

Wow, this is pretty much what I have been going through. My wife says she stopped about 3 weeks ago - these weeks have been absolutely the worst I have experienced throughout our entire relationship as I described in my last post.

It also makes more sense as to what happened on our vacation in January. It started out OK but got progressively worse as the week went - it ended up with her accusing me of arranging an affair as we were waiting for our luggage at the airport.

She got out of the psych ward yesterday and says she's not going to smoke any more (or at least cut way back). I'm waiting to see how she does on her new meds and will insist that she continue her recommended treatment. We'll see. For now she's acting way more normal than she has been.

Is your husband smoking now?

[Cloudy Days]

No, but it's forced. He has to be on his best behavior or he goes back to jail. He hasn't been too bad lately since he stopped and started the meds. I am nervous though because the meds he was taking are making his hands go numb so he wants to go off of them which I can't really blame him. His only beloved hobby is playing the guitar and if you can't feel the strings you can't really play. But he is going to therapy, if your wife can find a good therapist and really stick with them it can be very helpful. My husband found one he really trusts and he can text her throughout the day. She specializes in DBT therapy.

[Cloudy Days]

Also wanted to say that on my Vacation, on the ride home we had to stop and get a hotel. My husband accused me of having an affair with someone in the hotel lobby so we had to leave that hotel and get a different one. We literally got snowed in and had to stop because of driving conditions, so how could any of that had been planned on my part? I just wanted to get out of being trapped in a car with him and into a warm room.

[Ceruleanblue]

I've had friends suggest that maybe if my BPDh smoked pot, he'd mellow out some! He can't due to his work, and I've never smoked cigarettes or pot, but there are worse things than pot. I do think it can be a gateway drug, like they state, but I don't think it always is. Some people smoke pot their entire lives, but never touch anything else.

I agree with CloudyDays that pwBPD tend to have addictive personalities. My BPDh phases in and out of things, with huge passion, then those pursuits get cast aside. He's always on his computer too, or the computer and TV simultaneously. He gets so into it, he talks to the TV sometimes, or zones into to a degree I've never seen anyone else do. Irritating, to say the least. Forget trying to communicate with him then.

I applaud you not wanting to get back into a relationship with him if he's not even taking the suggestion of his T, and won't even consider at least cutting back. You have to look our for YOU.

[Cloudy Days]

\ I do think it can be a gateway drug, like they state, but I don't think it always is. Some people smoke pot their entire lives, but never touch anything else.

\

Hate to turn this into a Pot advocacy thread, but it is not a gateway drug. The gateway is the drug dealer selling it to you. If it were legalized my husband would prefer to actually take a tincture than even smoking it. I would be ok with it too actually. He was good on the pot, loving, pleasant. But l like any drug withdrawing from it was a nightmare and you can say that about most prescription drugs. Alcohol withdrawals are what killed my father, well the alcohol did it too. I know that I would not have to come home to my husband drunk if he had pot, I know I would not have to worry about him drinking and driving if he had pot, I know I would not have to worry about him in general if he had pot. It made him happy, it was going off of it that made him crazy. And if you can't get it on a regular basis, it just isn't worth it.

[an0ught]

Hi Darkcloud,

dealing with overwhelming anxiety is really tough. For the pwBPD as well as for you   as some of it transfers. Dealing with anxiety yourself requires proper self care and emotional coping skills. Learning them takes time and focus and definitely if you are spaced out learning takes a backseat and sensing your emotions may get harder. On the other hand if the pwBPD is unable to regulate and is constantly stressed out then learning goes out of the window, conflict is started adding even more stress - the BPD downward spiral starts turning. Letting go of an unhealthy (POT, cutting, sex etc.) coping skill requires having learned a sufficiently effective new coping skill. Letting go of something important to you that worked - I could imagine that is very anxiety inducing. So it is understandable that your fiancée is struggling in a big way with this step. Pressure where he struggles coping with internal stress won't make it easier for him. How long has he be doing DBT and what has he learned so far?

,

a0

[Darkcloud]

Thankyou anough

I first didn't take borderline very seriously, becuase I'm usually very independent and emotion strong I was over confident. We have been together three years and since i got pregnant his attitude change or I just didn't have the patient I use to , to validate him and give him as much attention . I figure it's time he care for me more, so we got in a lots of conflict. It escalate to more physical , becuase everytime I try to get away from fighting he would start verbally abuses calling me name and pushing my value . If I go in room he would break the door to get in , one time he even needs surgery becuase he hit the door so hard. He also hit himself forcing me to be nice to him. Now our sons is 9 month he had try to go therapy for DBT and he was on and off so a couple month his behavior is bad and a couple is bad. I don't care if he smoke pot but he littery does it all day. I don't like that for my child even though he never smoke around the baby  but last two week he was very violence he had broke two of our house door and hit me in the face accidentally but he did try to be physical , I took my baby and left . I told him I'm leaving until he do some real changes for me and the baby. I have not see him for two week , he told me he had smoke less and been calling around for another therapy and do more DBT group. For now I will find a place to live until he know that I'm serious this time. I been trying to read and learn more about BPD and learn all the tools . I also make an apt to see a therapist . Do you have any other advice for me ? Or any suggestion I would love to hear. Sorry English is my second language so my grammar is not very good

[an0ught]

Hi Darkcloud,

it is good that you have taken precautions and removed yourself from harms way and are are getting therapy. Continue working on yourself as your strength is critical for your baby and if the relationship with him should have a chance. The stronger you are the less anxiety you feel the better for everyone.

he told me he had smoke less and been calling around for another therapy and do more DBT group.

Might be true, pot is usually not the problem but more a symptom (and fighting symptoms won't lead anywhere - one reason BPD therapy was not making headway until the advent of DBT). And since you are apart at the moment the situation has to a degree stabilized so he may well need less. Abandonment/separation is in some sense validating and easier to cope with than fear of abandonment/separation.

What should you do?

- work with your T

- study the LESSONS

- maintain your boundaries. The more solid your boundaries are the better the relationship works. At the moment distance serves as a substitute for proper boundaries but that can't be a long term solution unless the relationship is terminated.

- learn about validation and practice it with whoever is around. It is easier with positive people but I'm sure you find a few upset people around you where you can practice validating negative emotions too. The latter is very important as once you got a true understanding of it you will... .

- know how to avoid invalidation (often in the form of JADE). Invalidation is a surefire way to make matters worse in the short and long term. It is the trigger to be avoided when possible.

Last but not least keep visiting and posting  . Writing can help too.