Is "disappearing" a typical tactic of this disorder?

[sweet tooth]

I've been involved with a woman on and off for the past seven months. I suspect that she has a mild case of BPD. Whenever we get close she disappears, only to reappear days or weeks later as if nothing ever happened. She's done this to me four times. It's been three weeks since I last heard from her (although she did return a phone call after I left a voicemail without leaving a message last week). I decided to go NC this past Friday (4 days). Is this behavior typical of the disorder? And what would be my best course of action when/if she reemerges? I'd like to make it work, but it seems like an uphill battle at this point between the indecision, fear of intimacy, and disappearing act.

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[Skip]

And what would be my best course of action when/if she reemerges? I'd like to make it work, but it seems like an uphill battle at this point between the indecision, fear of intimacy, and disappearing act.

What is the nature of the relationship?  Is it a committed relationship or just casual?

What does it mean to go "no contact" when someone has disappeared?  :)oes it mean you are not chasing - waiting for her to respond?

[sweet tooth]

And what would be my best course of action when/if she reemerges? I'd like to make it work, but it seems like an uphill battle at this point between the indecision, fear of intimacy, and disappearing act.

What is the nature of the relationship?  Is it a committed relationship or just casual?

What does it mean to go "no contact" when someone has disappeared?  :)oes it mean you are not chasing - waiting for her to respond?

She waffles constantly. Sometimes she just wants to be friends. However, other times she initiated hand holding and says she "wants to kiss me but is scared." The last time we talked at length she brought up the possibility of us having sex together. For all intents and purposes we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We talked every day for hours. When I would bring up other women I could see jealousy and fear in her eyes.

By "no contact" I mean I am no longer chasing her.

[sweet tooth]

She'll tell me she doesn't want to date anybody... .but then we go out on dates. She'll say she won't have sex without commitment... .but then she discussed the possibility of us having sex. I think you can understand my confusion.

[borderdude]

yes, out of sight out of mind. My BPDex looked me up at her phone , to engage where we left off last time.

[Skip]

Sometimes she just wants to be friends. However, other times she initiated hand holding and says she "wants to kiss me but is scared."

Without knowing very much, it sounds like she is tentative about the relationship - she likes you but is keeping her distance - not letting you in.  

How old is she?  You two are seven months without any physical contact?  

Do you think you are mostly in "friend zone" in her mind and relationship zone in yours mind?

By "no contact" I mean I am no longer chasing her.

I think not over-pursuing is the right thing to do.

[sweet tooth]

Sometimes she just wants to be friends. However, other times she initiated hand holding and says she "wants to kiss me but is scared."

Without knowing very much, it sounds like she is tentative about the relationship - she likes you but is keeping her distance - not letting you in.  

How old is she?  You two are seven months without any physical contact?  

Do you think you are mostly in "friend zone" in her mind and relationship zone in yours mind?

By "no contact" I mean I am no longer chasing her.

I think not over-pursuing is the right thing to do.

She's tentative about ANY potential relationship. She is divorced from an abusive marriage and has a child. She told me that I'mhelping her become a better person, that I'm marriage material, and nobody had ever treated her as well as I do. That is why her behavior baffles me. If I wanted to date anybody else I can guarantee she would be mad.

@borderdude: How long did that take?

[sweet tooth]

@skip: She is in her mode 20s. She is very reserved about sex.

[unicorn2014]

I've been involved with a woman on and off for the past seven months. I suspect that she has a mild case of BPD. Whenever we get close she disappears, only to reappear days or weeks later as if nothing ever happened. She's done this to me four times. It's been three weeks since I last heard from her (although she did return a phone call after I left a voicemail without leaving a message last week). I decided to go NC this past Friday (4 days). Is this behavior typical of the disorder? And what would be my best course of action when/if she reemerges? I'd like to make it work, but it seems like an uphill battle at this point between the indecision, fear of intimacy, and disappearing act.

Absolutely! I think your pwBPD has to make a conscious decision not to do a disappearing act or that kind of behavior won't stop. Have you read the workshop on boundaries?

[sweet tooth]

I've been involved with a woman on and off for the past seven months. I suspect that she has a mild case of BPD. Whenever we get close she disappears, only to reappear days or weeks later as if nothing ever happened. She's done this to me four times. It's been three weeks since I last heard from her (although she did return a phone call after I left a voicemail without leaving a message last week). I decided to go NC this past Friday (4 days). Is this behavior typical of the disorder? And what would be my best course of action when/if she reemerges? I'd like to make it work, but it seems like an uphill battle at this point between the indecision, fear of intimacy, and disappearing act.

Absolutely! I think your pwBPD has to make a conscious decision not to do a disappearing act or that kind of behavior won't stop. Have you read the workshop on boundaries?

I have not. How do I access it? This is a pattern with us. We get close, she freaks, and then I won't hear from her. I think it's inevitable that she will come back, but it's never been this long (over 3 weeks). I highly doubt that she is ghosting me. She's told me that when she tries to get rid of people she uses a technique called "gray rock," which is basically boring the person until they leave. I want this to work, but that's impossible if she ignores me.

[unicorn2014]

I've been involved with a woman on and off for the past seven months. I suspect that she has a mild case of BPD. Whenever we get close she disappears, only to reappear days or weeks later as if nothing ever happened. She's done this to me four times. It's been three weeks since I last heard from her (although she did return a phone call after I left a voicemail without leaving a message last week). I decided to go NC this past Friday (4 days). Is this behavior typical of the disorder? And what would be my best course of action when/if she reemerges? I'd like to make it work, but it seems like an uphill battle at this point between the indecision, fear of intimacy, and disappearing act.

Absolutely! I think your pwBPD has to make a conscious decision not to do a disappearing act or that kind of behavior won't stop. Have you read the workshop on boundaries?

I have not. How do I access it? This is a pattern with us. We get close, she freaks, and then I won't hear from her. I think it's inevitable that she will come back, but it's never been this long (over 3 weeks). I highly doubt that she is ghosting me. She's told me that when she tries to get rid of people she uses a technique called "gray rock," which is basically boring the person until they leave. I want this to work, but that's impossible if she ignores me.

I will see if I can link to it, its in the lessons to the side. The reason I bring that up is because you could set a boundary around disappearing like if she disappears you won't stay in the relationship. My pwBPD made a commitment to me that he wouldn't disappear because he knows how much that upsets me. The pwBPD has to want to be in the relationship. If the pwBPD does not want to be in the relationship there's nothing the non can do to change that.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[sweet tooth]

Thank you. How long would he disappear for? Weeks or months?

[unicorn2014]

Thank you. How long would he disappear for? Weeks or months?

Hi sweet tooth, my partner has not disappeared on me once during our relationship for more then half a day. He made a very strong commitment not to do a disappearing act at the beginning of our relationship as he knew this was past behavior of his. He actually wanted to be with me.

I think the disappearing act is a poor coping strategy on behalf of the pwBPD. As I said in my prior post, if the pwBPD doesn't want to be in the relationship, they are not going to stay. There's nothing you or I can do to change that. They need to be the one to make a decision to want to stay.