Romantic interest has cut contact - is this permanent?

[Doughnut]

I am/was friends with somebody with very severe depression and anxiety who has attempted suicide in the past twice. We got along great and only a few weeks ago met up, had lovely days out, etc. and everything felt fabulous. We both liked each other and only three weeks ago he sent me a beautiful, heartfelt message saying that I make him feel better, being around me makes him feel happier and less suicidal and that I mean the world to him. He even said that I gave him ''something to live for'' and he wasn't going to let anything ruin us.

On our last meet-up, we both drank some alcohol though I consumed quite a lot. An argument ensued between both of us and I ended up having a breakdown and snapping at him quite a lot. I noticed that ever since he's been becoming distant but the other day he sent me a message saying that he wants nothing to do with me, my 'negatives' killed any feelings he had, that he doesn't want to see me again AND that it is my fault that he is feeling suicidal again, he wishes he was dead because of me. He also said his blood would be on my hands if I dared contact him again.

This has made me feel so low, so confused and so anxious and upset. I find it hard to believe that only a few weeks ago we were so happy; one bad experience and it has turned everything around. We've had some rocky issues before when I confessed to him about my bad experiences with my ex (I treated him badly), but we managed to see past all that. Now he's gone from absolutely adoring me, to completely hating me he said that anymore contact from me will 'send him over the edge'. He even said I have so many 'flaws', that to point them out would be like counting stars.

Our previous phone calls, I noticed that he was being quite spiteful and deliberating trying to find ways for me to 'hate him'. He even said to me ''What will it take for you to hate me?'' or something along those lines.

I'm devastated. I have done so much for him and been there for him and our experiences together have predominantly been excellent; how can this one thing tear it all apart?

He's never had a diagnosis of BPD as far as I'm aware but I've done a bit of research and it seems he is displaying black-and-white thinking, going from absolutely idolising me to completely hating me. It's been nearly two weeks and I've heard nothing. I probably shouldn't have, but I tried calling and texting him just to see if he is okay. I even sent him a message just asking him to at least let me know he's okay, and he's completely refusing to speak. He won't come online either. It's almost like he's just dropped off the face of the earth. 

There have been other instances where he has told me he has 'no feelings' for me and has wanted to cut contact, deleted my number, deleted me off networks, etc. He always came back a day or so later.

It's completely damaged my esteem and made me feel worthless.

Is this 'ignoring' phase going to go on forever or will he be back?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Doughnut,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down  :'(. These are not just difficult relationships, they're the most difficult. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD relationship.

People with BPD have very labile moods and are quick to trigger, and slow to return to baseline. They also have extreme rejection sensitivity and tremendous self-loathing and shame. Setting aside BPD traits, depression alone can distort thinking, and makes it difficult to interpret an alcoholic-fueled argument as anything but the truth about their low self-worth.

As you mention, your friend has a history of push/pull, and while some of this may be due to communication issues in your relationship, many people with BPD equate their feelings with facts. Sometimes, they are reacting because of their own feelings -- we do this too, but have an easier time regulating our feelings. He has a history of feeling suicidal, and these feelings about his self-worth pre-dated his relationship with you. He's probably trying to manage his intense emotions in the best way he knows how, which is to distance himself.

After the argument, did the two of you talk about what happened?

The best thing to do during an "ignoring" phase is to learn everything you can about communication skills like validation. This is a skill that requires empathy and active listening, and learning to not be reactive.

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner

Are you making things worse?  Many times, when we are communicating with our loved ones, the words we use to explain ourselves or to justify ourselves, or to prove our point, come across as challenging and defiant to them. How often have you been in a conversation where the more you tried to explain something, the less the other person seemed to hear you and the angrier they got? That's because your words were essentially telling the other person they're wrong and you're right.   Learn more.     

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating



We're here to walk with you as you make sense of the relationship. Most importantly is to learn to not take things so personally that you feel your own strength disappearing. Are you seeing a therapist to help work through the feelings of worthlessness?

[Doughnut]

Hi, thank you for your reply

As I said in my previous post, he doesn't have an official diagnosis of BPD; I should also point out that he has autism. So he may or may not have BPD but he certainly is showing signs of black-and-white thinking/splitting; a lot of the symptoms of BPD seem to fit.

He was VERY eager to pull me apart and find as many flaws within me as possible when we were having a bad point. When I told him about my bad history with my ex, he would constantly bring it up and really force me to go into detailed analysis about exactly what happened. He would then look for contradictions/flaws, and use them as an excuse to 'not have anything to do with me again'. He's said numerous times he doesn't feel safe around me or that he can trust me, but I would ask him what on earth he expected me to do, I couldn't change the past, I didn't have a time machine and why can't he focus on my good points. He would then force me to try and ''show remorse'', but I never seemed ''remorseful'' enough, instigating another trigger for him to break contact with me. It's been utterly exhausting.

He also has a tendency to victimise himself. He then ironically accuses ME of victimising MYSELF when I say something along the lines of "you're making me feel bad" to him.

I've tried so hard to make him feel good, that's the thing. He even told me in his nice message that I was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. I might have been short/snappy with him during that alcohol-fuelled argument, but I don't recall saying anything callous or insensitive. He set me off when he told me he was having doubts about his sexuality; it's like I am expected to accept the fact he may well be bisexual or gay, yet he's not prepared to accept me as I am.

After the argument, we were fine for several days, then he disappeared for a while. He then texted me on Christmas Day (the whole thing has ruined my Christmas) to tell me that he was on strong medication for depression and needed to be left alone. We spoke normally for a bit and we were both looking forward to meeting up again in January. We had a decent telephone call, and then he started picking me apart again and BOOM - wants nothing to do with me.

The whole thing is such a confusing mess of a situation. I don't even know if he's alive. He's said some wicked things like he was practising tying a plastic bag around his head, trying to find ways to kill himself - because of ME. I find this damaging, angering and so hurtful.

[livednlearned]

Hi Doughnut,

A lot of people with BPD tend to have co-morbid diagnoses. And a lot of the skills learned here work with all kinds of people, not just BPD. Having a confirmed diagnosis is actually less common on these boards, so we tend to focus on behaviors, especially the ones we can control (ours).

Have you tried validation with him? Validating someone can be a very big aha moment when it works. Validation is used with people who are suicidal and is one of the essential communication skills when dealing with someone who suffers from BPD. For example, when your friend says he is practicing tying a plastic bag around his head, a validating response would be, "You must feel so awful to be thinking about that. Did something happen today?"

Often, we protest what makes no sense to us. To a person with BPD, they are desperately seeking a way out of the disease of isolation they feel so acutely. They want someone to understand how they feel. Validation is not about agreeing with their words, it's about accepting and acknowledging their feelings.

Does that make sense?

The same thing is true when he says ridiculous things to you that are clearly about him. People with BPD project painful feelings onto other people as a way to externalize that pain and make it more bearable to cope with (not a very healthy way to cope, but coping nonetheless). So when he is trying to make you hate him, it's because that's how he feels about himself. When he says that he doesn't feel safe around you, or that he can't trust you, he is talking about himself. He doesn't feel safe being with himself, and can't trust himself  :'(

When he finds flaws and contradictions in you, he's trying to justify why someone like you has to be pushed away.

Depersonalizing what he is doing is an important step in recognizing what is truly going on. It's confusing and hurtful because the pain is being externalized, and most of us take what is said at face value. We have to develop tremendous empathy and good boundaries to make sure we are not emotionally injured.

It can be done. It's also not easy.

[Doughnut]

Things are starting to make sense now, yes. I thought there was a lot more to it than simply something 'not working out. I felt that if he wanted to end contact, he'd have phrased things in a more mature and kinder way that it was time for both of us to move on. His message was full of vitriol and hate and he actually said I'd be the cause of his suicide.

Have I been 'split black' then?  :'( And is this split going be permanent?

I've read various stories where partners who have been split black are eventually split white again, but others where the end of contact is permanent.

If he does come back, I'll try the validating method, though there have been times where I tell him that I understand why he feels that way, etc. and he just interrupts me and is like ''No you don't''.

It's tricky because he made it very plain to NOT contact him (even though I broke boundaries and did anyway). I'm concerned any more contact could either cause his suicide, or cause a restraining order.

[livednlearned]

The phrase "I understand" is tricky.

I found validating questions to be easier because they seem to move things forward instead of create a deadlock. The truth is we might not actually understand how someone feels -- it's a presumption. And someone in a lot of emotional pain may feel like no one can ever possibly know how awful it is. If you are perceived as "healthy," then it might be invalidating to say "I understand."

It's also important to not validate the invalid. A good book to read about validation is "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" (the authors are the ones who did the validating questions).

Silent treatment can go on for a while, it's different for everyone. Sometimes the ST can lift for no reason, and life goes on like nothing happened.

Did he threaten a restraining order against you?

[Doughnut]

He didn't threaten a restraining order on me but he told me that he would likely commit suicide if I dared contact him.

It's been since 30th Dec that I've heard anything from him. There's been absolutely no sign of him online either. There is no one I can contact and I don't know what to do.