Two week break and then this. I donno what to do. Break up before my birthday?

[misuniadziubek]

Took a two week break from him because things were getting too overwhelming for both of us. I thought it would be healthy.

Yesterday morning I get a message from him that waking up to find out that I've been telling people that he is abusive and hits me is probably the end of us. That if I feel that way, there is no point in continuing our relationship.

Except that I had no clue what he was talking about. He started off on how I've betrayed him before, how I can't keep my mouth shut, how this is why he shuts me out of his life.  I'm telling him that I never said any of those things and I definitely have never felt that way. He eventually implies that his ex-roommate told this to his best friend. That he had warned me about not talking to his ex-roommate because this is the stuff that comes out of it. He was looking forward to seeing me but now I shouldn't even bother. That's it. He stops at that.

I go through every conversation i've ever had with this roommate. There is nothing. I once told her he punched me  in the knee. That is it. I text her asking if id ever told her that he hits me or beat me up. She doesn't read it or answer until the end of the day. She is shocked and doesn't know what I'm talking about. I ask her if she still emails with his best friend. She tells me she does, but she hasn't talked to him in days and the last thing she was telling him about was about one of her friends in an abusive relationship, but she never mentioned her name. She quickly figures out the situation without me explaining anything further. I ask her to let it go in that case. I write my bf that the email could not have been about me. That I never said anything to her to imply it.

I don't hear from my uBPDbf all day. The last thing he tells me is that he loves me but he isn't going to get into this with me.

At the end of today, the ex-roommate messages me and tells me that she messaged the best friend asking him why he had gone and showed my uBPDbf her email, when it's clearly not about me. He responds that they are best friends and whatever happens to one is shared with the other, so she shouldn't be surprised he shared it. I then get a series of horrendously hateful texts from my uBPDbf about how I betrayed him. This is the last straw, going to the ex-roommate and throwing both of them under the bus. He can never trust me with anything, so there's no point in telling me anything. He's been trying to phase me out, he should have found someone else in between so that this wouldn't hurt so much. I'm no longer his happiness. I only bring him exasperation and betrayal and hatred.

It's also a long phone call. He tells me that what hurts the most is that I think I can justify betraying him like that, because I tell him I was desperate to find out the truth because that was a horrible accusation, and I'd never say those things about him. Because he chooses his best friend over me, and I wanted to be vindicated. I wanted to prove I didn't tell this girl anything. I haven't. He never liked me talking to her, but I still did for a while because she's known him far longer than me and the sort of things he does.

He ends the call with telling me how his best friend is loyal to him and has never betrayed him, unlike me. How I can't say anything bad about him, because to my uBPDbf, loyalty is the most important thing in a relationship, and his best friend has never let him down, while there's very little to salvage here. He tells me I can come up and see him if I want, but there's no real relationship anymore.

I'm devastated. Tomorrow is my birthday. He tells me that I brought this on myself and so on.

I just don't know anymore. Am I a terrible person for wanting to know the truth? For being so desperate to know who was messing with my relationship?

His best friend is in fact very loyal to him. He's also what I would call a bit of a narcissist. He's slept with all my uBPDbf's ex-gf's, cheats on his wife regularly, and spends his days smoking pot and drinking while he babysits his two kids. So he was surprised to hear that my uBPDbf had shared the email information with me. And that he lost face because I could not keep my mouth shut.

I've been devastated all day, even before this. Scared of losing him. I've had urges of cutting. Which is strange for me. I've rarely ever done that. Three times in my whole life. And I still want to. And I don't know why.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I just don't know anymore. Am I a terrible person for wanting to know the truth? For being so desperate to know who was messing with my relationship?

No... .you are not a terrible person... .not in the least.  Your reaction to this was very normal.  About a year ago... .I would have had a similar reaction... .and most likely would have gotten similar results to the ones that you got.

While your reaction was normal... .IMO... .it is an untrained reaction.

It sounds like you would like to continue this r/s... .or give it your best shot.  In that case... .we've got to get you trained up to "keep your side" of the r/s as emotionally healthy as possible. 

Couple questions... .

Did you guys mutually agree to take two weeks off... .or did you decide that.  Can you give us some history there?

Do you understand what triangulation is?  Do you see this applying here?

Can you think of a place where it would help to apply a boundary in this story?

Hang in there!     

I hope you have a great birthday tomorrow.  Can you plan something... .just for you?

[misuniadziubek]

No... .you are not a terrible person... .not in the least.  Your reaction to this was very normal.  About a year ago... .I would have had a similar reaction... .and most likely would have gotten similar results to the ones that you got.

While your reaction was normal... .IMO... .it is an untrained reaction.

It sounds like you would like to continue this r/s... .or give it your best shot.  In that case... .we've got to get you trained up to "keep your side" of the r/s as emotionally healthy as possible.  

Couple questions... .

Did you guys mutually agree to take two weeks off... .or did you decide that.  Can you give us some history there?

We had a pretty tough Valentine's day weekend. He's not good with holidays. So when he told me that me being there every weekend was stressful, I offered that we spend one weekend apart. He agreed fully. He said there was something he wanted to attend and didn't want to take me to. I told him I was going to go to a party anyways. It was good for both of us. I needed to remember what it's like to be just me. Except that come Friday when we aren't supposed to be seeing each other, he starts to ask when he gets to see me. Thought that maybe since not Friday, I'd come up Saturday night. I didn't budge. I told him that this was what we agreed to, I'll see him next weekend. It felt good maintaining that boundary.

Do you understand what triangulation is?  :)o you see this applying here?

I know it has something to do with a third party entering into the relationship and either disturbing the peace or stabilising the situation. I'm guess either his bestie or his ex-roommate count for that. At first when he texted me, the ex-roommate was reminding me how unfairly he was treating me. So I was pretty set in my mindset of this not being my fault. Thought it is. I asked her to not meddle anymore, not to write any emails or mention knowing about this because I know that once my uBPDbf calms down, we can talk things out together. I didn't make the consequence of that action clear enough and knew in my gut how this would end. This way his bestie got more involved too and the situation went splat!

Can you think of a place where it would help to apply a boundary in this story?

I'm really not sure actually. I think if I had just let things be, they'd simmer out and we'd be back to somewhat normal. He technically asked me not to make things worse. He can't put limits on who I talk to, though. He doesn't try to as much as he expresses that he knows the situation better than me.  I know he has black and white thinking on this loyalty thing. I think that at the very least I could respect that in a normal sane way.

But setting a boundary myself? I'm just not sure. I'm not very clear headed after this either. He deleted me from Facebook.

Hang in there!    

I hope you have a great birthday tomorrow.  Can you plan something... .just for you?

[formflier]

It felt good maintaining that boundary.

I can see how this is perceived as a boundary... .IMO... it is more of an agreement. 

A boundary is something that you enforce to protect yourself. 

I'm thinking it would be a good idea for you to check out the lessons again... .read about boundaries... .and let's take a look at this situation... .and understand how boundaries may have been able to make the situation better.




https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries


There are other articles over there on boundaries as well. 

My goal is to get you a bit better educated on the theory... .then we can figure out how to apply it to you particular situation.

Hang in there!   

What is birthday plan?

[Notwendy]

Keep in mind the idea of projection and feelings are facts. Projection is blaming others. Your bf feels bad and is telling you that you brought this on yourself, but did you?

You take a two week break. He accuses you of betraying him. You are confused because you don't think it is true. After discussing things with other people, you feel you are correct. He is still accusing you. Just because he thinks something is true- does that mean it is for you?

Look at the lessons on JADE and why this isn't helpful to either of you.

Boundaries are also "my thoughts" and "other people's thoughts". If you  believe you did not betray him, do his feelings change the truth even though it is understandable that this upsets you that he feels that way?

Boundaries are also "my feelings" and "your feelings". These are very hard ideas to consider when in a relationship with someone because we do care about their feelings. However, it can be very confusing to distinguish whose feelings are whose when in a relationship with someone who projects and blames and has poor boundaries themselves. If we have weak boundaries, we can feel overly responsible for theirs.

[Jessica84]

You can't "prove your innocence" to pwBPD. They are not always rational. Remember not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, engage) - it definitely makes things worse.

I understand you wanting to get to the bottom of it - that is perfectly normal. Sounds like you got defensive - which is only natural when someone accuses you of something you know you didn't do. The problem is, when you try to prove you are right, you end up proving he is wrong. This is invalidating to him. He felt betrayed. Whether he was or not is irrelevant. His feelings are real. Acknowledge that he felt betrayed.

One way to defend yourself while also validating him might've been to say "I never said that to anyone. I'm sorry you feel betrayed thinking I said that about you" then pause so you don't over-explain. Follow up with a "I would feel betrayed too".

Sorry this happened right before your birthday. Hope you find a way to celebrate it! 

[misuniadziubek]

It felt good maintaining that boundary.

I can see how this is perceived as a boundary... .IMO... it is more of an agreement. 

Truth be told, the boundary wasn't staying apart for two weeks. It was the fact that unlike per usual, the moment he changes his mind, I don't run to see him. I actually told him no to coming up, because we had an agreement. Before I was always afraid of the guilt trips and would drop everything no matter what was going on to go and see him. It was really silly. Even now, it's hard for me not to run to 'save him'.

You can't "prove your innocence" to pwBPD. They are not always rational. Remember not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, engage) - it definitely makes things worse.

I understand you wanting to get to the bottom of it - that is perfectly normal. Sounds like you got defensive - which is only natural when someone accuses you of something you know you didn't do. The problem is, when you try to prove you are right, you end up proving he is wrong. This is invalidating to him. He felt betrayed. Whether he was or not is irrelevant. His feelings are real. Acknowledge that he felt betrayed.

This is true. Last night when I called him up, I definitely was JADE-ing. I felt I had a right to find out the truth. He felt that if he tells me something, it should stay between us, especially if it pertains to his best friend who he idealises as loyal to him and depends on. By doing my own detective work, I was solely looking out for my own interests, rather than the interests of 'us' as a team. These are his words.

I do it by instinct, and it took me way too long to even try to validate his feelings. He tells me all I have is words, but really I should 'change' and be someone he can trust.

[OffRoad]

You are not crazy, although you might feel like it right now. Most people would have wanted to solve an unknown problem like that. Most people would have done the same thing. But most people aren't dealing with a pwBPD.

One of the things that upsets my uBPDh more than anything in the world is thinking that anyone knows he isn’t “perfect”. Any time he thinks I have “told” anyone that he has done something wrong, or not right, he will internalize it, then blow up over nothing at all because he hasn’t dealt with what is bothering him. And he won’t ask if he misunderstood, or if what someone told him was true, he will just assume I meant to hurt him, betray him, whatever. It’s always a blindside waiting to happen. Even before I had any knowledge of BPD, what often worked for me is “Wow, that would upset me, too, if someone had done/said that.” I will then state once, and only once, that I did not do whatever that thing was (assuming I didn’t do it-if I did I will apologize profusely) and if he has any questions about it, I will answer them whenever he wants. If he kept on, I would nod my head, say um-hmm a lot and “I can see that.”  (That procedure actually saved my bacon in this last, really bizarre episode with him).  When I would keep justifying myself, that’s when everything went south (He’d manage to get me when I was sleep deprived, or stressed-in hindsight, it was often like he was looking for that weak spot to attack with something he’d been stewing about, or looking for a reason to withdraw by causing a fight.)

FWIW, this might have happened because your birthday WAS coming up. Remember how you said he was bad with holidays? Most likely the same with any special occasion. H and I used to have issues at holidays, with a fight being picked right before whatever special occasion it was, and everything being hunky dory a week or so afterwards (took me three years to figure it out).  And never any mention of going back and celebrating it late. I learned early on to never expect anything, but I got good results if I would remind him about said occasion about a week before, and either show him exactly what I would like (send a link to it on Amazon-worked great) or buy myself something and say that I bought it because I got a good deal on it, hand it to him and ask him to wrap it for me for my birthday. In his mind, he got me the present. That way he didn’t have to run the risk of getting something I wouldn’t like. 

I do see you’re honoring your agreement to have the weekend away from each other as a boundary. You felt good about having the weekend apart, having time to be yourself. And you weren’t changing that because he changed his mind about it. Your boundary. The way you say no to his request to change something makes all the difference, too. “We agreed to see each other next weekend.” sounds normal enough, but does not sound as good to a pwBPD as “I already have something scheduled for Saturday, but I’m really looking forward to seeing you next weekend.” 

Sometimes you just can't win, no matter what you do. Period. All you can do is change you. Not for him, but for you. Knowing what I am dealing with has made it so much easier for me to manage how I interact with my H.

[formflier]

 

I think it was wise to not "run to him" when he offered.

I'm seeing some things that you may want to consider trying to do differently

You've identified the JADE issue... .that is one that most... .including me... still struggle with.

I have seen great benefits avoid it... and times when I think I'll just "explain this one thing... ."  it usually doesn't end up too well.

What did you think of the boundaries lessons.

When he said you should change into someone he can trust... .did you respond or acknowledge that?

[misuniadziubek]

I think it was wise to not "run to him" when he offered.

I'm seeing some things that you may want to consider trying to do differently

You've identified the JADE issue... .that is one that most... .including me... still struggle with.

I have seen great benefits avoid it... and times when I think I'll just "explain this one thing... ."  it usually doesn't end up too well.

What did you think of the boundaries lessons.

When he said you should change into someone he can trust... .did you respond or acknowledge that?

Honestly, I came up. My tire exploded on the highway. He went off on a rant on how I am a narc, stupid, naive. How he can never trust me. How he really thinks we are over. That mostly everybody thinks that he should ditch me at this point.  Why the hell did he invite me up then?

His words sting and I'm having trouble not taking it personally. If I try to use and validation words, he instantly says, you say that, and yet you act the same. They are just words. You will never change.

[misuniadziubek]

I'm trying to regain my sanity here.

I came up to see him last night. He got drunk, acted indifferent to me. Since I got a flat, I was there 2 hours later than we'd planned. He asked what I was going to do at his place, since he was going to go to his best friend's house, since he does that every weekend and I'm obviously not invited, due to the fact that I'm not to be trusted and so no one would want me around. He got drunk because I was there, told me it was so that he wouldn't act on his urge to punch me. Ended up being too drunk to drive, so hung out with him and his female roommate. At some point I played a joke on him and put a corn candy in his ear. He got so angry that he retaliated by hitting me really hard in the shoulder to his roommates dismay and she yelled out ":)on't hit her!"

His only response was that he had told me not to pull that, but I did anyways. There really is no excuse. He doesn't seem to acknowledge that.

He became extremely verbally abusive towards me beforehand, leaving me feeling pretty terrible. He called me stupid and naive for believing his ex-roommate that the email wasn't about me. Pretty much compared me to the lowest of the low. All leading up to his point that he hated me. That our relationship has gone to hell.

If I were to take all of this at face value, why has he still not broken up with me in that case? Why did he invite me to come up if he didn't actually want to see me. He knows that the easiest way is to stop seeing me for a while until his feelings go away. It's how he's dealt with his exes.

I couldn't leave either, since my tired was done for and it was late at night so had to wait until today to get that fixed.

Then his ex-roommate wrote me this message:

Like I said, he creates a hostile environment where you think everyone is against you so that he can systematically destroy your self worth and make you just like every other woman he had destroyed. And he does it in such a way that he disassociates himself from any fault or blame. He transfers the blames to others including his victims. Rather than facing the ugly fact that this is all his own doing. He engineers his own unhappiness.

Then blames any and everyone he can so that he can live with it. It's all good as long as it is your fault or my fault

When it is actually he that is to blame for his general displeasure.

There's really not much help here when it comes to having someone else define my relationship for me. It's triangulation at its worst. His best friend is very manipulative as well. Claims he 'feels bad for me' . I would love to get to the bottom of this, but I don't want to do any further damage. I'd rather focus on my bf. See where he stands.

We went to bed and he was much calmer and happier to be around me. Woke up smiling, seeing me next to him. We even had an intimate moment. It all felt rather okay, but neither of us is very fulfilled or healthy in this relationship right now.

Then there's something that his roommate said to me last night. I was trying to explain to her that the temporary emotional abuse doesn't bother me as much, because I know that once he calms down things get better. Once he releases that tension and hate towards me by talking out what he needs to say, he feels better. She asked me if I didn't see how insane what I was saying was. Let someone abuse the hell out of you just so that they feel better.

I feel like I'm stuck in between managing his BPD behaviours and then objectively realising how insane all of it is, where I should be enjoying my birthday somehow.

We don't have any plans for today. I think I'm going to buy myself a cupcake and go chill at the mall or something.   It all feels pretty terrible.

[formflier]

 

Long term goal... .or question

Do you want to be in a relationship with verbal abuse? 

How do you start acting and reacting different so that we he chooses to be verbally abusive... .you don't get affected by it?

What have you read in the lessons about this?

[Jessica84]

I am so sorry this happened to you... .and on your birthday.

This is very hard not to take personally, when his mean streak is aimed at you. Your friend is spot-on when she said "he engineers his own unhappiness." Sounds like some projection/blaming going on too.

You don't have to take responsibility for his happiness. There is NO reason to take abuse. It's not your job to take it to make HIM feel better. Your job is take care of YOU! His abuse doesn't make YOU feel any better, so let him rage at himself or someone else to feel better.

I see a boundary missing here... Mine has never gotten physically violent, but whenever he starts using me as a verbal punching bag, I leave. Or if on the phone, I end the call. It's that simple. We now have an "agreement" that I will leave if he gets unruly. Not really an agreement - I set that boundary awhile ago and he's finally ok with my enforcing it, only now he thinks it's his idea.  That's ok, I stick to the boundary whether he is ok with it or not. Spewing his venom may make him feel better, but its toxic to me. The words sting and stick with me far after he's gotten over saying them. I'm sure the same is true for you.

If you can't leave because of your car, call someone for a ride, or take a walk until you feel safe enough to return. If it's too late at night to be walking around outside, find another room - a bathroom, garage, patio, the roof? Stay there until he has calmed down. These are just a few options.

In simplistic terms, this is what a boundary looks like: If he does X, you will do Y.

You don't have to tell him what you're doing or what you will do, just do it. He'll see the pattern... .eventually... maybe. Doesn't matter. It's for you, not him.