My Situation with my wife (48) married 3 years

[Aboutoverit48]

*DO YOU FIND YOURSELF CONCEALING WHAT YOU THINK OR FEEL BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID OF THE OTHER PERSON’S REACTION? OR BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN’T SEEM WORTH THE HORRIBLE FIGHT OR HURT FEELINGS THAT WILL FOLLOW?

... .Yes. There have been times that I attempt to conceal things, like going to visit a friend,  or going to eat somewhere that has a bar. I feel that she will accuse me of choosing my friend to spend time with over her, or that I was flirting with a waitress. (Which I never do)
However, I've realized that I am a horrible liar, and she asks too many questions for me to keep anything concealed, and it only makes matters worse.

*Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you?

... .All the time. If I innocently say something and do not word it carefully, she will always look for a negative meaning. Everything  I say is examined in her mind to find double meanings and irrationally negative intent.

Are you criticized and blamed for everything wrong in the relationship? Even when it makes no logical sense?

... .Yes. She constantly complains that I fail to spend quality time with her, but I am always with her after work. I feel like I can't do my own thing without being accused of ignoring her. She constantly needs to be entertained.

*Are you the focus of intense violent or irrational rages alternating with perfectly normal and loving behavior?

... .Yes, but not so much violent. More so irrational rages. Recently I began to get busy at the police department right before the end of my shift. I didn't take time like I probably should have to call and let her know that I would most likely be late getting home. It was a request to locate a vehicle in a shots fired call in a nearby city. She started messaging and calling me in the middle of my patrol asking if I was leaving yet. I briefly told her that I was busy and would call her back. This set her off like a brick of lit firecrackers. On my way home and for the rest of the night she screamed curses at me, called me horrible names, and accused me of being totally insensitive to her feelings. She also threatened to go find someone else to have sex with and become a whore.
In the past, she has provoked my anger to the point that I feel like my only outlet is to throw or break something. I understand that I need to control myself better with these situations. A handful of times she has really hit me. One time I got an arm in my chest while driving, another time she hit me in the face with a tv remote. On a few occasions I have squeezed my arms around her torso or pressed my hands on her head. Other times, the object that I throw ends up breaking or ricocheting and hitting her unintentionally. I have never intently hit her, although I did lightly shove her back on two occasions. I apologized immediately afterwards. I have learned to keep my hands off of her completely when I'm angry now, and any objects thrown go completely away from her direction.

*Does no one believe you when you explain that this is going on?

... .I'm not sure. I have only told a few close friends and family anything about my situation. They all seem to believe me. There is one of my friends that has made friends with her and really likes her, and she says that she "doesn't see her acting like that".

*Do you feel like the person you care about sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between? Is there sometimes no rational reason for the switch?

... .Oh yes. When she gets angry with me over the pettiest things, I feel like I am treated as if I'd committed a capitol crime against her. But when I seem to be meeting her needs for attention then I am treated like a king and have all the respect and more.

*Are you afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you'll be told that you are too demanding, or that there is something wrong with you?

... .Yes. I don't feel like I can talk with her about my concerns about her behavior without her turning blame back on me. Therefore our arguments never actually get resolved.

*Do you feel that your needs are not important?

... .Absolutely. Her needs come first and foremost in her world. She will say that she is constantly doing things for me to make things better for me, but thst I do nothing for her to return the favors. This is not true.

*Does the other person demigrate or deny your point of view?

... .Yes. If I state that I feel that she is wrong in the way she is treating me then I get blamed for it. "If you would just spend time with me and make me feel loved then we wouldn't be having this conversation"

*Do you feel that their expectations of you are constantly changing so that you can never do anything right?

... .Yes. When I'm not giving her enough attention, and/or affection, or do not call or message in a certain unpredictable amount of time, she complains and says I must be talking to someone else, or getting sex somewhere else. There is no convincing her differently until I give it to her. But by this time I hardly feel like it after taking in all the accusations and defending myself.

*Are you accused of doing things you never did, and saying things you never said?
... .Yes. But she will ask me if I have done things that a normal person would not even consider asking because it totally shows distrust.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Aboutoverit48:
Your alias and the board you posted on indicate that you are thinking about possibly ending your relationship, is that right?

You have a job in law enforcement.  That is a very emotionally demanding job.  It would be nice to come home to a comforting environment, with a supportive partner.  It sounds like you have the complete opposite.

Does your partner admit to a mental health issue?  Have you thought about some joint counseling with her (partner willing)?  

You can't change your partner, only the way you interact with her and react to her.  You might want to get some therapy for yourself, to help you make a decision on the relationship.  Is she the person you want to grow old with?  If you should become disabled or ill, can you rely on her for support (or will she be jealous of anyone who steps in to help, when she isn't capable of nurturing you in any way?)

People in law enforcement and the military, need a partner with some special traits and qualities.  What about your spouse made you think she was the right person for you?  Were there traits and behaviors that were hidden? 

[Aboutoverit48]

Welcome Aboutoverit48:
Your alias and the board you posted on indicate that you are thinking about possibly ending your relationship, is that right?

You have a job in law enforcement.  That is a very emotionally demanding job.  It would be nice to come home to a comforting environment, with a supportive partner.  It sounds like you have the complete opposite.

Does your partner admit to a mental health issue?  Have you thought about some joint counseling with her (partner willing)?  

You can't change your partner, only the way you interact with her and react to her.  You might want to get some therapy for yourself, to help you make a decision on the relationship.  Is she the person you want to grow old with?  If you should become disabled or ill, can you rely on her for support (or will she be jealous of anyone who steps in to help, when she isn't capable of nurturing you in any way?)

People in law enforcement and the military, need a partner with some special traits and qualities.  What about your spouse made you think she was the right person for you?  Were there traits and behaviors that were hidden? 

Thank you for your kind and caring response.  No, she emphatically denies having any thing wrong with her. In fact I tried to hide the fact that I was researching BPD but she discovered it. She literally turned around and told me the same thing that I read in the book that people with BPD do, she said "if anyone has BPD it's you".
I recently told her that I wanted a separation which she refused to leave the house. I insisted that she go to a therapist, and surprisingly she agreed to go. However she kept hounding me about the source of the referral, which was BPDCentral.com. after the visit with the therapist yesterday she didn't seem to be phased and during a conversation that evening I had interrupted her and she mumbled something about "I am supposed to write that down". So it sounds to me like all she did was complain about me the whole time. But yes you're right I think I do need to talk to the therapist. I have several audio recordings and one video recording of her BPD like Behavior. I did email the therapist a link to the video of her raging at me.
When we first met she was the sweetest and most caring person I have ever known other than my mother. She went above and beyond to cater to my wants, even going as far as buying a new king size Tempur-Pedic mattress just because I mentioned that I would like to have one.
After a few months of living together she started fighting fault in me, and criticizing me. If I tried to defend myself and explain my intent from my perspective, she would still place the blame on me instead of admitting that she may have misunderstood.
To me she seemed very insecure, but I thought I could handle it. And I thought things would get better after we got married. I was wrong. For example when are out in public she will accuse me of looking at other attractive women even if I didn't even notice them. She will lecture me about how it makes her look to other people when I'm looking at other women. She denies being jealous, saying that it's not me that she doesn't trust, it's them, meaning the other women.
At this point, no, I do not feel like I can see myself growing old with her. Someone might ask why do I feel stuck with her. I would say the biggest thing is getting through the moving out and getting all of my belongings in a peaceful and smooth manner. I will probably have to do this while she is at work otherwise she will be standing in my way and taking things back off the truck as I'm loading it. The other night we had an argument and I tried to leave but she stood behind my car, then when I tried to go forward she jumped on the hood and laid on my hood.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Aboutoverit48:

She emphatically denies having any thing wrong with her. She literally turned around and told me the same thing that I read in the book that people with BPD do, she said "if anyone has BPD it's you".  

 It can be a bit mind blowing and validating at the same time, when something in a book hits the nail exactly on the head.

When we first met she was the sweetest and most caring person I have ever known. She went above and beyond to cater to my wants  After a few months of living together, she started finding fault in me, and criticizing me. If I tried to defend myself and explain my intent from my perspective, she would still place the blame on me instead of admitting that she may have misunderstood.  

The links below may be helpful (both with understanding your history with your partner and avoiding arguments).  A method to avoid arguments is to not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain):

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

BLAME

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE HONEYMOON PHASE AND IDEALIZATION

FROM IDEALIZATION TO DEVALUATION

The other night we had an argument and I tried to leave but she stood behind my car, then when I tried to go forward she jumped on the hood and laid on my hood.
    

It must be especially difficult for you.  You likely have been in situations to give advice to others regarding domestic violence.  It can be hard to apply your advice to yourself.  I'm thinking that since you are employed in law enforcement, you may have some reservations about making a call for assistance in your own domestic violence situation.  Is that the case?

Don't get too caught up in labels, as to whether your wife has BPD or BPD traits.  The best path for you is the same in either case.  You can't change her, only the way you  interact with her and react to her.

Using some specific communication tools can make things easier for you.  Click on the links below to get to some of the basic communication tools that can be helpful:

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

SET

WISE MIND
Sorry to throw so many links at you, but take it a link at a time.  It can be helpful to have some individual therapy sessions to discuss some of the theories in some lessons and strategy in others.  It can, also, give you a chance to practice, with some recent dialog.  Some members like to post about their process of applying some communication skills to their interactions with their partner.  A combination of therapy and input from other members here can be a good combination for support.

Validation can be helpful.  Minimally, don't invalidate.  Validation isn't about agreeing (or validating the invalid), it is about acknowledging how someone feels (not indicating it is right or wrong).

Hope you have some peace during the holidays.       Try using some validation and the JADE technique.  It can take some practice, but they can be valuable tools.

[Turkish]

We occasionally get LEOs here.  Though you know the protocols required of you if you're responding to a DV call,  it may be very tough to step back and determing how to move forward. It's good that you've stepped back to not engage how you did previously. As a cop, can you see how it might look if you were responding and she called 911, for example?

Deciding can be a long process. I also recall thinking,  "how can I last to grow old with this woman?" My immediate concern, however,  is of your safety. The material that Naughty Nibbler linked can help reduce conflict meanwhile. It might be good to have a good bag in case you need to leave.  Evaluating your situation would be good:

Safety First

Turkish

[Naughty Nibbler]

Looks like a character dropped off the link in the post above.  This one should work.

Safety First