Why won't she stop?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I broke up with my BPD gf in October after a two year relationship with featured 18 recycles. I finally said no contact even though we work together. She called me a week after the break crying about how she still wants to be friends. The crying quickly stopped when I said that's not a good idea. She then raged and said I was full if shyt and that I ruined her life.

She was then quiet at work and I avoided her. She called me a week before Christmas to tell me that she didn't hate me and it was ok if I wanted to come and see her in her office on a daily basis. She also forgave me for not reaching out over the past 2 months to see her. Mind u I broke up with her and I chose to stay away. It was easy this time to stay away. She told me she didn't want me crying to her anymore. That was a shot at me because I have cried in the past in front if her.

All through January she has contacted me. I have been polite but cold and I still do not go and see her in her office. Two days ago she called me crying and saying that she needs to know that I care about her and that I'm still attracted to her. She said she will always live and respect me no matter what. I didn't tell her that I loved her but I said I still cared about her. I also told her I didn't trust her cause if the liring and cheating that she did. She said she needs closure.

I thought people with BPD had no problem forgetting u and moving on. Believe it had to do with object constancy. Why does she hold on to the fantasy 4 months after the breakup. She is also changing the facts of the breakup. She now claims that she stepped back because she didn't want to drag me down. What's up?

[nyfit1]

I broke up with my BPD gf in October after a two year relationship with featured 18 recycles. I finally said no contact even though we work together. She called me a week after the break crying about how she still wants to be friends. The crying quickly stopped when I said that's not a good idea. She then raged and said I was full if shyt and that I ruined her life.

She was then quiet at work and I avoided her. She called me a week before Christmas to tell me that she didn't hate me and it was ok if I wanted to come and see her in her office on a daily basis. She also forgave me for not reaching out over the past 2 months to see her. Mind u I broke up with her and I chose to stay away. It was easy this time to stay away. She told me she didn't want me crying to her anymore. That was a shot at me because I have cried in the past in front if her.

All through January she has contacted me. I have been polite but cold and I still do not go and see her in her office. Two days ago she called me crying and saying that she needs to know that I care about her and that I'm still attracted to her. She said she will always live and respect me no matter what. I didn't tell her that I loved her but I said I still cared about her. I also told her I didn't trust her cause if the liring and cheating that she did. She said she needs closure.

I thought people with BPD had no problem forgetting u and moving on. Believe it had to do with object constancy. Why does she hold on to the fantasy 4 months after the breakup. She is also changing the facts of the breakup. She now claims that she stepped back because she didn't want to drag me down. What's up?

[Ironmanrises]

I broke up with my BPD gf in October after a two year relationship with featured 18 recycles. I finally said no contact even though we work together. She called me a week after the break crying about how she still wants to be friends. The crying quickly stopped when I said that's not a good idea. She then raged and said I was full if shyt and that I ruined her life.

She was then quiet at work and I avoided her. She called me a week before Christmas to tell me that she didn't hate me and it was ok if I wanted to come and see her in her office on a daily basis. She also forgave me for not reaching out over the past 2 months to see her. Mind u I broke up with her and I chose to stay away. It was easy this time to stay away. She told me she didn't want me crying to her anymore. That was a shot at me because I have cried in the past in front if her.

All through January she has contacted me. I have been polite but cold and I still do not go and see her in her office. Two days ago she called me crying and saying that she needs to know that I care about her and that I'm still attracted to her. She said she will always live and respect me no matter what. I didn't tell her that I loved her but I said I still cared about her. I also told her I didn't trust her cause if the liring and cheating that she did. She said she needs closure.

I thought people with BPD had no problem forgetting u and moving on. Believe it had to do with object constancy. Why does she hold on to the fantasy 4 months after the breakup. She is also changing the facts of the breakup. She now claims that she stepped back because she didn't want to drag me down. What's up?

That is a fallacy/myth. The pwBPD does not forget you. You get viewed as not needed currently. Because that is what we become for a pwBPD. A need. Nothing more.

[nyfit1]

I agree ironman. That's why I'm able to let her go now. If I insert the word need every time she says love then everything makes sense. She doesn't care about my healing. She contacts me whenever she needs validation. Never once asked how I was. Just started dumping her problems on me again and trying to guilt me. Her tricks are so obvious to me now. I just needed time away from her to clearly see it.

[Ironmanrises]

It was no different with mine when she returned for round 2. It was about her need. Her validation. Her dumping her problems on me and guilting me, like yours did to you. She even used the word need so many times, especially in round 2. We are not viewed as people, but as a thing, to be used to fill their purpose, and once that is done, discarded.

[shellsh0cked]

I agree ironman. That's why I'm able to let her go now. If I insert the word need every time she says love then everything makes sense. She doesn't care about my healing. She contacts me whenever she needs validation. Never once asked how I was. Just started dumping her problems on me again and trying to guilt me. Her tricks are so obvious to me now. I just needed time away from her to clearly see it.

It's not really a "trick"... . not methodical on her part.  She's terrified of being abandoned and alone.  Remember this... . the moment she finds another "victim", she won't even think about you.  She doesn't love you like you do... . That's hard to swallow, but par for the course with borderlines... . Trust me on this.  This is what mine did.  Running off and finding other guys during the "recycles".  Once several hours later, but never more than a couple of weeks... . she always had a replacement for her sexual appetite and need to feel wanted... . by anyone!  18?  Wow... . I think I did about 5 or 6.  Letting her go is the best thing you will ever do... . You will feel sad at times and miss her SEVERELY... . probably hate yourself for missing her... . wonder WHY you miss someone that lied and cheated... . abused you and made you miserable.  You will hate yourself for missing her.  I know I did.  But after talking to the folks on this board this is the normal progression of things.  I know it was for me.  Good job resisting taking her back.  It took an attempt on my life and $4000 worth of damage to my car for me to see the light that this was not going to work out!  

[fromheeltoheal]

With 18 recycles in two years, the wheels fell off that relationship a long time ago ny, and you're both equally responsible.  If you really are done, it's best to remove her from your life, might be tough since you work together, but there's plenty to look at within yourself and your role in things, best to shift the focus 100% to you.  Take care a you!

[maxen]

to tell me that she didn't hate me

yes i heard that too 

[State85]

I agree ironman. That's why I'm able to let her go now. If I insert the word need every time she says love then everything makes sense. She doesn't care about my healing. She contacts me whenever she needs validation. Never once asked how I was. Just started dumping her problems on me again and trying to guilt me. Her tricks are so obvious to me now. I just needed time away from her to clearly see it.

Wow... . this exact thing is currently happening to me. Texts me her problems, gets mad if I don't respond, says I don't care... . but not once, not once, asked about me... . Being used is what I call it... . laying guilt is correct.

[bpdspell]

NYFit1,

Your ex more than likely hasn't found a replacement to sink her hooks in so she's doing her damnedest to get you tangled up in her spider web of toxic dysfunction again. Since you've had 18 recycles in your ex's mind it's all about the "chase" of the game and getting you to validate her importance in your life. Until you give her a clear line of demarcation she'll be that annoying bug in your ear until you fall for another recycle.

You mentioned "object constancy" and it's definitely real when they are engaged in the idealization stage with someone else. But without someone to latch onto all they have is their last engagement which is more than likely…you.

As for re-arranging the truth….well most borderlines have that special way of reorganizing "the facts" to fit their version of the truth because they've manage to survive by creating a delicate bubble of self-delusion to keep their fragile selves from disintegrating.

When we decide that we're not gonna be actors in their irrational "rescue fantasies" "fairytales" or their "mirages" then that devastating fear comes that they aren't going to be rescued.

Spell.