Psychic Boundaries

[vortex of confusion]

In another thread, MaybeSo posted a very insightful post. In it, psychic boundaries were mentioned. The message is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278289.msg12633996#msg12633996

I would like to start a discussion about that. I am not sure exactly what was meant by it.

I am thinking that psychic boundaries might be developing the ability to NOT let some things get to you. I am thinking of things like when a partner projects things onto you that are not true. I am thinking of things like the just kidding comments. Basically, I am thinking that it is kind of a protective wall that I can put up to keep me from personalizing the craziness.

I am thinking that it is developing that strong sense of self that says, "This is who I am. My partner can call me all kinds of names and project until the cows come home and that isn't going to change who I am." (I am not advocating letting a partner name call. I can set boundaries around that but that isn't likely going to stop it immediately. While I am setting external boundaries like not sticking around, I need to have something in place internally that helps prevent me from being emotionally hurt in the mean time.) Maybe it would be akin to developing a thicker skin.

Does anybody else have any thoughts about this?

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[Cat Familiar]

I've found that agreeing helps when my husband has made some comment about me, such as my need for order and tidiness in the house: "Yes, it must be really difficult to live around someone who likes things just so. I certainly wouldn't want myself as a roommate."

I'm being entirely truthful and acknowledging something that can be seen as a negative about me. And I'm also conveying the message: "Get used to it. I ain't gonna change. I like who I am."

[vortex of confusion]

I've found that agreeing helps when my husband has made some comment about me, such as my need for order and tidiness in the house: "Yes, it must be really difficult to live around someone who likes things just so. I certainly wouldn't want myself as a roommate."

I'm being entirely truthful and acknowledging something that can be seen as a negative about me. And I'm also conveying the message: "Get used to it. I ain't gonna change. I like who I am."

This reminds me of a relationship article that I read not too long ago. It was talking about one of the exercises that a therapist gave couples. It was to write down what you think it would be like to live with you.

I frequently acknowledge that I am a pain in the butt and couldn't imagine trying to live with me.

[byfaith]

I am thinking that psychic boundaries might be developing the ability to NOT let some things get to you. I am thinking of things like when a partner projects things onto you that are not true. I am thinking of things like the just kidding comments. Basically, I am thinking that it is kind of a protective wall that I can put up to keep me from personalizing the craziness.

I have been trying this and I cannot seem to get there. It's kind of like numbing myself to what is going on around me or being said to me. I don't want to get to that point. I guess way down in my heart I have not truly decided if I want to stay around for this the rest of my life. I have been so good to my uBPDw and her son ( he suffers with paranoid schizophrenia) I don't know how to be any more loving and patient than I have been. Sometimes I want to blow a gasket but I don't. I try not to personalize everything. I have had to leave at times so I don't lose it and then get accused of not caring. Maybe at that point I really don't care because I get so tired of all the crap projected on me. I am part of his delusions also when he gets in a bad place. He believes I have accused him of a bad crime (won't name it here).

[Ceruleanblue]

I like the idea of this, and I may give it a try. It's just a slightly different way of thinking about depersonalizing the things they say. I really do remind myself that his views are just that, his views. He's entitled to it, but it doesn't make it factual. His reality is based on his feelings, and I'll be glad if he ever gets to the point where he questions some of his assumptions or negative opinions, and realizes that feelings are not always totally accurate. I have a lot of feelings, some accurate, some not. I feel fat sometimes, but I know in reality I'm not "fat", I've just gained a few pounds. He's learning about validation in his DBT, so I'm hopeful they'll get to dealing with "feelings", and I'll get a few less slurs to my character.

[vortex of confusion]

I have been trying this and I cannot seem to get there. It's kind of like numbing myself to what is going on around me or being said to me. I don't want to get to that point. I guess way down in my heart I have not truly decided if I want to stay around for this the rest of my life.

I am not quite there yet either. I have my good days and bad days. Is it really numbing yourself?

For some reason, the example that came to mind is:

If somebody called my a flying purple monkey, I am likely NOT going to argue with them or say anything because it is completely obvious that I am NOT a flying purple monkey. It would be laughable because of how obvious it is to me that I am not a flying purple monkey. Telling me a million times that I am a flying purple monkey isn't going to magically transform me into a flying purple monkey. I might have my doubts from time to time and I might even start scratching and making sounds like a purple monkey just to test things out. Then, I walk over to the mirror and take a long hard look and realize that I am absolutely positively NOT a flying purple monkey. And, if I were to ask my kids or a friend, hey, do you think that I am a flying purple monkey, they would laugh at me because that is soo far from the truth.

I know my example is kind of out there but I think it applies to a lot of things whether it be me falling into the trap of thinking that I am a demanding wife or that I am this or that. I can look in the mirror and test things out and see that it simply is NOT true.

I have been so good to my uBPDw and her son ( he suffers with paranoid schizophrenia) I don't know how to be any more loving and patient than I have been. Sometimes I want to blow a gasket but I don't. I try not to personalize everything. I have had to leave at times so I don't lose it and then get accused of not caring.

I think the psychic boundaries are about being more loving and patient with yourself. Sure, you are loving and patient with them. Are you loving and patient with yourself? Do you have enough love for yourself to say, "hey, I know this about me and I am not going to let somebody else's opinions change how I feel about myself."

This is what I am thinking because I have been stuck in that place where I was wondering how much nicer I could be to my husband. I am trying to figure out how to be nicer to ME.

[vortex of confusion]

I like the idea of this, and I may give it a try. It's just a slightly different way of thinking about depersonalizing the things they say. I really do remind myself that his views are just that, his views. He's entitled to it, but it doesn't make it factual. His reality is based on his feelings, and I'll be glad if he ever gets to the point where he questions some of his assumptions or negative opinions, and realizes that feelings are not always totally accurate. I have a lot of feelings, some accurate, some not. I feel fat sometimes, but I know in reality I'm not "fat", I've just gained a few pounds. He's learning about validation in his DBT, so I'm hopeful they'll get to dealing with "feelings", and I'll get a few less slurs to my character.

I am thinking that the psychic boundaries are for helping me to keep my wits about me whether or not some things ever change.

Hope is great and wonderful and I have hung on to it for a long time. Sure, I want things to get better. In the mean time, I have to find ways of dealing with things to help me thrive rather than just surviving while holding on to hope that things will get better when <fill in the blank> happens. What if <fill in the blank> never happens? What then? Then I am left feeling disappointed and sad and am having to re-evaluate everything and am tied up in knots. I want to move beyond that.

[EaglesJuju]

I am perceiving psychic boundaries as when we are real with one another and we acknowledge and respect who that other person is, with an expectation that this will reciprocated from the other person. When we are factoring in BPD, we have at times unrealistic expectations that our pwBPD will acknowledge, respect, or see who we really are. The caveat to that is many times, a pwBPD is unable to reciprocate or see us for who we really are, due to the conditions of the disorder.

What prevents us from having psychic boundaries is our own inability to cope with this knowledge that our partner may not be able to reciprocate, acknowledge, understand, see, or respect who we are. Our inability to cope with this knowledge can stem from our own fantasies. Our own fantasies can be discomfort with our sense of self, self-acceptance, and self shame.

When we cross psychic boundaries or boundaries become distorted, we take responsibility for another person's behavior. Taking responsibility for another person's behavior is a dependent/co-dependent trait.  

Essentially, when we radically accept things for what they really at the present time, we accept things all the way with our heart, mind, and body.  We open ourselves to fully experience reality as it is in the moment. Also, when we radically accept, we reduce our own suffering and increase our own freedom.

[Jessica84]

I have a weird sort of visualization thing I do. I see myself inside a bubble. I like to view this more as a "bubble" than a "boundary" or a "protective wall". I can see clear through a bubble, where a wall would close me off, and a boundary is a just a line in the sand. He still hurls his weirdness my way, but if he threw it at a wall, I couldn't see it coming. Brick by brick he'd tear it down anyway to get to me. If he kicked my line in the sand, I'd be lost out in the desert. So my bubble is different. He can't see it to attack it, he can't kick it, but he can feel its presence. This bubble allows me the safety to put all other boundaries in place. I can learn, grow, heal there. I'm safe inside, only love can come in or out. All else is deflected.

So I don't know if this is considered a "psychic boundary", but if boundaries are for our own protection, my "bubble" has protected me - it allowed me to accept this disorder, understand what was happening, and stop taking his crazy behaviors personally. Before I thought he did this, he did that, he's insane, he's a jerk, it's him, it's all him, I did nothing wrong... except that I did. I had weak boundaries. I tolerated bad behavior, then blamed him for behaving badly. I did things for him, then resented him for it. I walked straight into his chaotic web. I made myself anxious with worries and fears. I constantly invalidated him. I invalidated myself. I wore all the hateful labels he projected onto me - it became my new "skin". It's been a long, slow shedding process, but from my bubble, I'm safe, protected, and can see clear enough to know when to place a new boundary.

[vortex of confusion]

I see myself inside a bubble.

I like the bubble analogy. I have used the idea of living in a bubble with regards to dealing with my FOO. My brother and I were talking about how the only way to keep from getting sucked into the dysfunction of our FOO is to stay in our respective bubbles.

Until recently, I kept my husband inside the bubble with me. Need to make sure that I have sufficiently kicked him out of my little bubble. 

[Cat Familiar]

Recently I told my therapist that I think for the first time in my life I'm actually sensing what it is to live without codependency. At first, it felt kind of strange and disconnected and that I was starting to become more narcissistic because I wasn't as concerned about my husband's feelings.

Now I'm getting used to it and it feels way more comfortable. I certainly don't want him to feel bad (and he often does over really insignificant things such as a guy complaining about a camera he bought from him on eBay--that kept him in an emotional wringer with over a week's worth of anguish even though he told the guy to return it. Ultimately the guy kept it and gave him good feedback.)

But I realize I used to get emotionally wound up with him when he did, such as just now when he called me to tell me the bank charged him $150 because he hadn't regularly used his safe deposit box. He was upset, but he had spoken with someone at the bank and apparently it was a mistake, so they were looking into it. In the past, I would have been upset too, but now, it didn't phase me--just a mixup--he took care of his part--so no reason for me to be concerned too.

It's very freeing/