I'm just going to come out and say it! I still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend.
The same ex-girlfriend who had an online affair with a man twice her age across the world who she invited over and after spending one night with him, wanted me back. He ended up going home like a week later and then I came back into the picture but she started to miss him! I got fed up, didn't want to be part of the triangle, and told her goodbye again. So she makes him fly all the way back to her place AGAIN just to be with him. A few days later I get a text from her. Something like, "Am I never going to hear/see you again? I need help." She sends him back home again, maybe like a week later, and asks me to help her find treatment. Well, she never did follow through with the treatment and ended up finding some new guy on the internet who also lived in another country and fell in love with him almost immediately from just texting or whatever, saying they could be soul mates and that when he comes to visit and things go good, she could see herself moving down to the States to live with him.
After all this drama, which took place between December 2012-March 2013, I walked out on her. This time for good. I went full NC and didn't speak to her until I think March 2014 (right around the same time we split for good). At this point, she had already broken up with the guy from the States and was living with a new boyfriend on and island maybe about and hour and half away from where I live by boat. The conversation happened through email, and little was said. Just the "Hey, how are you? What's up?" stuff... .
I don't hear from her again until June, she asked via email for my number so we could text. She was still with her boyfriend keep in mind. The conversation was quite lengthy, with her doing most of the talking, explaining all she'd been up to. I asked her why she contacted me again, and she wrote, "I guess I just missed you and wanted to talk to you. I probably shouldn't of contacted you. I don't know why I did... Or maybe don't want to admit why I did." I didn't bother to ask what she meant.
Next time she sends me a text is early October. At this point, she had broken up with her boyfriend she was living on the island with for a year. She was now living alone, but I guess met some new "guy friend" on Tinder in her area to keep her occupied. We caught up some more, she sent me some pictures of herself, and asked to see what I looked like. She began reminiscing on our relationship, since our birthdays were coming up soon (they're a day apart). Told me, "We had lots of good times together. That's what I focus on. I F'd up." I said, "Feeling nostalgic this evening, huh?" She says yes and apologizes for it. I then write this, "No need to be sorry. Despite how things went down between us, I still have lots of fond memories of our time together. You were my first real girlfriend after all." Moments later my phone rings, I don't have call display, and it was late, but I'm sure it was her. I didn't answer. That was the end of that text convo.
Beginning of November, she sends me a text saying that the Tinder guy she was seeing, her "boyfriend" cheated on her and pushed her against her fridge and knocked the wind out of her. She was panicking and wanted to leave the island and move back here (where I live) with her dad again. She eventually found an old guy friend she knew growing up to help move her back here by the never end of November.
So she's now living with her dad again, just 6 miles away from me, and is already on the prowl looking for new supply. She meets some guy off Tinder who lives very close by and they begin hanging out. She also starts seeing the guy who helped her move back here.
She asks if I would like to catch up, take my dog for a walk, and I am reluctant at first. But a week later a say yes and we hang out for maybe 30 minutes, walking my dog at this park we used to visit. I dropped her off at her dad's afterwards, there were no hugs, or see you laters.
After that, she begins texting me for frequently. Seemed like every day. It was always small talk, but it was consistent.
So it's December, on my break, and she sends me a text while I'm working out asking what I'm up to today. I tell her nothing, she tells me she's doing nothing either. So... .I ask if she wants to come over to my place to play video games. She suggests I go to her place instead, so I do around 7 PM. You can read how that went down here (she came onto me REALLY STRONG):
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238196.msg12548380#msg12548380She asked to hang out again for lunch a few days later, but I declined. Then asked if I wanted to go bowling later, I declined as well. I just wasn't feeling well.
Yesterday morning, I ask her if she wanted to accompany me to Chapters. I received a gift card for Christmas and wanted to get a book. She told me, "Alright, I'll see what I'm doing. I've been feeling kinda depressed lately." Anyway, I actually end up telling her an hour later that I can no longer go to Chapters because I had this dinner to go to that I wasn't even aware of.
So today, I message her around 11 AM asking how she's feeling. She says, "I'm feeling fine thanks." So now she's feeling better, huh? I ask her if she wanted to try Chapters again today and she tells me she's with a friend right now... .Who? I don't know.
But it bothers me. Why do I care that she's hanging out with somebody else? I never gave a crap what she was doing when I was NC with her for a year. Even when I was LC and she was living on the island, I still didn't care about her relationship status. But since she's moved back, suddenly I do? It's actually making me depressed and giving me anxiety.
After I found out she was with someone else today, I decided enough is enough. And blocked her from everything. I blocked her from numerous sites she uses so I can't see what she is doing/who she is talking to/or how she is feeling.
I read Infern0's thread, and I was like, "Yes! Yes! So true!" but why must I care for her still? Why must it affect me knowing she is off doing something with some other guy? I didn't before!
I see a lot of people who are still suffering and just wanted to give some thoughts on the recovery process.
When all of this stuff happened to me I was hurting so badly.
Self esteem had gone through rock bottom and was in some sort of new low, I was depressed to the point of welcoming death, I was angry some times, sad the next. I was wishing she would come back.
My BPDEX came back, cheated on my replacement with me, tried to put me into triangulation/ line me up to replace HIM.
I was caught in the trap but this time I decided to walk away. I belive that ME walking helped me to recover at a quicker rate, but that being said it's only a psychological thing not based in any reality.
The thing is I made the concious decision to stop being a "victim" and while there has been up and downs I'm on the mend.
It's so easy to get stuck in a rut but you need to do whatever you can to get out of the victim mindset.
My BPDEX has tried to break my NC many times in the last few weeks but it's got to the point where I just think she's pathetic now.
Do I want a partner who:
Lies
Cheats
Manipulates
Is annorexic
Is mental
Wakes up screaming all hours of the night
can't hold a job
"Hears voices"
Could potentially murder me in my sleep
Is stupid
Is shallow
Has no goals in life
Is irresponsible
Has little to no empathy
Is rude
Is abusive
Basically sucks ass in all respects except sex.
The answer is NO.
If you break it down and come to realise that you start healing up.
I am much better than this women. She is not on my level at all. I have so much to give someone. She even told me on the phone I was the best boyfriend she's ever had (after we broke up and she was single and living here). I was basically perfect, and she screwed it up. I tried to help her, but she let me down every time.
What is the wrong with me... .I guess first loves die hard.