Did your exBPD always fear you'd leave them, but they ended up leaving you?

[Diana82]

The irony astounds me.

My ex gf broke up with me 4.5 months ago over a fight. I had told her she was too inconsistent and defensive and she dumps me!

After 3 years together.

Worse... she ignores all attempts of mine to apologise, she changes her number and doesnt return my stuff. It was madness.

This is a woman who was always so worried I'd leave her.

I remember I wanted to go to Italy for 2-3 months on a study holiday. And I told my ex this early on in our relationship. She said to me: "You're not going to run off with some hot Italian are you? I think I would slit my wrists". :/

Even though she sounded like she was joking- she wasn't smiling. It was weird. But I reassured her I wouldn't run off with someone else! But it felt really strange to hear her say something so dramatic like that.

Then later in the relationship... her two best friends get cheated on. And we were sitting in a cafe chatting about it and she says "I'm feeling a bit worried now... you're not going to do that are you? My two best friends get cheated on and I see a pattern".

I was pretty insulted. Again... I had to reassure her of my love.

Lastly... I was unemployed for many months and I always knew London and Sydney were better for my field of work (copywriting). I wanted my ex to come with me to London for a short stint...

My ex made it clear she wasn't interested in moving to the UK. I was struggling to find work for so long and one day I went to see a recruiter about jobs in Melbourne (hometown). The Recruiter told me Melbourne is a flat market and Sydney has more upcoming jobs.  I then thought that Sydney could be an option as it was close to Melbourne. My ex asked me over text an hour later how my Recruiter interview went and I said: "It was good. But the jobs here are mainly advertising admin. The Recruiter did say there are more Copywriting jobs in Sydney and that Melbourne is a limited market. Anyway I will keep at it. Hope you're having a good day".

She shoots me back a text going "I was having a good day- until I got your text telling me the jobs are better in Sydney. Then my day was shot to sh$t! I am sitting in the car and my heart is pounding. I am about to burst into tears"

And then "You know how I feel about receiving texts like that. You don't understand how it makes me feel and how it impacts our relationship!"

I said "huh! I was just relaying what the recruiter said. It's the truth... the jobs here are limited in my field and Sydney is better. Why are you having a breakdown? I would never leave you for Sydney!"

And she replies "no, you wouldn't leave- you will stay and make me feel like a liability".

Then it became all about how I was apparently making her feel like a liability. I was the unemployed one... struggling. I tried to ask if she'd consider moving to Sydney and she cried hysterically over it saying how guilty she would feel leaving her family (even though it's 1 hr flight from Melb).

So most of the relationship she was insecure about me leaving her. Either for overseas/interstate or another woman. I could never win.

The painful irony is that I was committed to her. Would never have left her for a job interstate even though I was unemployed and had no money to pay rent! ( it got pretty bad)

Yet she ends up leaving me after the fight and tells me " I am not the one to make you happy".

Can anyone else relate?  I feel like my ex dumped me thinking I may dump her... so she got in first. This is the same woman who was SO worried I would leave her

[Darknightx13]

The irony astounds me.

Can anyone else relate?  I feel like my ex dumped me thinking I may dump her... so she got in first. This is the same woman who was SO worried I would leave her

I feel for you Diana82, and would simply say, YES.  I can relate very much to what you've been through.  I think this is a common story among pwBPD.

The entire relationship with my uBPDexgf was riddled with behavior like this.  Dramatic displays of irrational worries, and later on baseless accusations, became regular occurrences with her.  There were many times she would break into tears and cry hysterically to me.  If she was doing poorly in a class at school, for example, she would say how she was going to fail and how she would never graduate and that because of it I was going to leave her.  When I was looking to sell my apartment and buy a new one, she immediately jumped to the irrational conclusion that I was going to move far away and that she was never going to see me.  She also, supposedly, had her father and her sister at times filling her head with these ideas that if she did not get her act together that I would leave her.  Whenever they did this, the "tests" of my affection would follow, often accompanied by the aforementioned crying behavior.  She needed me to tell her, similar the way a parent might say to their child, "it's going to be okay".  And of course, I obliged.

When my relationship with her was really deteriorating for much of this last year, it became all about accusations.  Whenever I was out without her I would later get accused of cheating on her.  If I was wearing a nice shirt, I was told I must be going out to bars and picking up girls.  She would also accuse me of drinking, which I barely do in general and was never doing any of the times she accused me.  She would take it to the extreme telling me how she didn't trust me and that she wouldn't sleep with me anymore because I must be sleeping with someone else.  I think her goal was the same as when she cried, though, and that's not to say that either behavior was contrived by her.  I think her "feelings" were leading her to form a possible reality around them.  And generally, she got what she was seeking from me, because in the midst of the vast majority of either kinds of these outbursts, I would have to keep reassuring her that my love for her was true.

In the end, she left me anyway for other "reasons" that I've touched upon in some of my other posts.  Either way, yes, pwBPD are stricken with a fear of abandonment, and yet pretty much all of their relationships crash and burn because they leave as a defense mechanism to seek what they think they really or they end up fulfilling their own abandonment fear because they drive the people that love them away.  Unfortunately, I was not strong enough to walk away from her myself.

[Benevolent Sun]

I can relate, many of the things you went through occurred with my ex and I. I was making slightly more money than her at the time, but neither one of us was making enough to support our dreams of getting married and having children. I had an offered that would have been a huge increase in pay, but would require travel. All she could think about was that I was going to be getting with other girls. She said something to the effect of 'fine take the job, go f all the girls you want'. We had discussed many times, about how I was insecure with my current job/salary, I told her that I needed a better paying job to build a family. Also that I wanted to wait so I could get her a ring I thought she deserved, (i know that is silly, she would have been happy with any ring). I thought I made it clear how much I needed to have that area under control, so we could get a house, afford a child. I just didn't want us to be stressed over money constantly, but she viewed this job as a way for me to cheat, definitely offended me, and left me attempting to reassure her of my love, guess I wasn't convincing enough Haha.

 To the other point of them leaving first, she always told me that I was going to leave her because I deserved better. I've read that others on these boards shared similar experiences. So it would seem a common trait. Still hurts though, I spent so much time and energy trying to convince her that I wasn't going anywhere, just wasn't enough, you grow tired and weary of always worrying about the other person. One of her friends told me after she the first time she left me, (broke up through one text, immediate no contact) that she breaks up first if she feels your going to leave.

 So that means to me, that you constantly have to be on edge, because if you mess up, and make a mistake, she is going to leave. Also, even worse, if she messes up and makes a mistake, she is going to leave because she perceives that you are going to leave. So by applying logic to what I just wrote, there is now way for a rs to work out with these people because thy are always going to leave in the end.

 So I guess I had an abandoment issue, because she left me several times, and when she came back I was always nervous that she was going to do it again. That's no way to live, I want a partner who believes in the person that I am. Outside of cheating there is nothing she could do to make me leave, and she knew that, because we talked about it. Perhaps that's why she left, who knows.

[elemental]

The reason my guy gave ( one of many, all having to do with HIS insecurities) was that he had become convinced I was going to leave him if he didn't sort a situation out that was impacting  me pretty badly.

He told me he figured I was going to leave anyway, and he knew it would take forever to sort the problem, so he gave up and dumped me.

I wouldn't have left. And that problem is STILL not sorted. In fact, he has done a bunch of things to make it considerably worse. :/

Which is part of the reason we had so much conflict in the last year and are currently backed away from each other.

[Diana82]

Thanks for your responses...

My ex was always scared I would up and leave her for London or somewhere else that had better jobs. It is true I wanted to go to London and asked her many times if she would consider coming...

So I never left her out of the equation.

And even when she said she didn't want to come to London and I was struggling to find work- she still made me out to be the bad guy by saying that I will most likely resent her soon and she already feels like a liability. Guilt tripping me?

I always put her first. I had to move back home because I couldnt afford rent! I struggled to even pay for dinners out because I was unemployed for months. My ex did support and encourage me- but was so precious over the idea of us moving even interstate to find work.

So as I mentioned earlier... I had simply relayed what the Recruiter said about Sydney jobs and my ex had a breakdown. She told me her heart was pounding and that I am making her feel like a liability. She couldn't see how much I was giving up for her just so we could stay in Melbourne and she would be near her family.

She always told me she was "attached" to her family and needed them around for her "sanity". So moving anywhere away from them even briefly seemed to arouse severe anxiety in her. She also suffered from separation anxiety.

So I was made to feel guilty for being unemployed here and wanting to find work elsewhere- with HER. Not just me flying off alone... I wanted to go as partners.

So it feels like such a slap in the face that my ex then dumps me over an argument. And in the coldest way imaginable. I get blocked from Facebook, she changes her number and then ignores me completely. No word in 4.5 months.

How can this be the same person who always feared I would leave?

[Faded]

Was pretty much the 'Norm' for my ex.

Wouldnt say she was directly accusing of anything, but always worried that i would be cheating in her.

Always seemingly worried that her best friend fancied me and that she would try it on with me. No thought that i actually had a choice if the scenario ever arose!

This wasn't fleeting either, it was at various intervals throughout the whole 5 year r/s.

Needless to say it wasnt me that needed a leash on me.

She did sleep with one of my close friends, and of course my friend also made the choice to sleep with my ex.

Also random strangers and had on at least 1 occasion got of with someone right in front of me in a club.

It was all a mirror of her own fears and actions.

I guess its them somehow trying to relieve their own guilt, sharing their thoughts of your intentions of infidelity in the hope maybe we would be also unfaithful. I guess doing such would balance their feelings on the matter of their cheating, equaling their guilt.

That was never going to happen so i guess once they devalued the relationship and realise your not up for equaling their acts of infidelity they are on a different journey from that point on, we can no longer be part of their story, no longer a part of their future as we have devalued their actions. Thus the relationship comes to a sharp end.

Tis truly a sad scenario to have to live through.

[Diana82]

Hi Faded

I don't think my ex was likely to have cheated- I think she was genuinely fearful I would leave for overseas because a) she has abandonment issues and b) she had little self worth and probably didn't think she could hold onto me.

Do you think i should have taken the below more seriously at the time? I mean... you can't force someone to feel secure with you. They have to believe in you and your love for them.

1. We were talking about me going to Italy for 3 months on a study holiday and she says "you're not going to run off with a hot Italian are you? I think I'd slit my wrists"

2. The time when her two friends got cheated on and she told me she is now "worried" and feels a bit funny and said to me she hopes I don't cheat on her too

3. She claimed I made her feel like a liability because she didnt want to go anywhere else to look for work. Apparently in the first month of seeing each other... I was still vague about where I may be job-wise at end of year. I thought I might be doing a short stint overseas and my ex may come. So I had said to her friend innocently "who knows where I will be at the end of the year!"

And I was shot down for that. My ex never forgot it and from then on reminded me I was likely to leave her for overseas. I had to always reassure her I would NEVER go anywhere without her- she just didn't seem to believe it. And then when I did stay and show my commitment I got accused of making her feel like a liability!

Couldn't win.

Should these have been my massive red flags that my ex had severe trust issues? Should I have taken them more seriously and perhaps suggested coupled counselling?

[Faded]

Hi Diana 

Hi Faded

I don't think my ex was likely to have cheated- I think she was genuinely fearful I would leave for overseas because a) she has abandonment issues and b) she had little self worth and probably didn't think she could hold onto me.

I was more implying towards the ex thinking i would abandon, when in fact she abanded me(through cheating and somehow projecting that act upon me)

As you state above, abandonment issues and little self worth. Anything could trigger that... .  from cheating, thought of moving over seas, relative passing away... .  Literally anything could be the trigger. Once that trigger is pulled it is impossible to maintain a balanced and healthy r/s.

[Faded]

1. We were talking about me going to Italy for 3 months on a study holiday and she says "you're not going to run off with a hot Italian are you? I think I'd slit my wrists"  

I think that shows just how distorted her mindset/thinking is.

A definate show of insecurity.

An un/concious control attempt.

The words 'I think i'd slit my wrists' in my eyes are words that are never used in a normal conversation.

2. The time when her two friends got cheated on and she told me she is now "worried" and feels a bit funny and said to me she hopes I don't cheat on her too  

That is just her relaying her own insecurities. Imagine being very insecure in a relationship and your best friends are sleeping with tom, dick and harry and having a good old laugh about it. The realisation that anyione can cheat at anytime (and your top of the list as you should be the one making her feel insecure, but thats only in her mind)

As she see's the abandonment her friends are dishing out, she might be niext in line on the recieving end.

Again, messed up mindset, negative thinking and can only = negative outcome.

3. She claimed I made   her feel like a liability because she didnt want to go anywhere else to look for work. Apparently in the first month of seeing each other... I was still vague about where I may be job-wise at end of year. I thought I might be doing a short stint overseas and my ex may come. So I had said to her friend innocently "who knows where I will be at the end of the year!"

Projection her lack of self worth/esteem onto you. If she couldnt find work elsewhere then that is her doing just the same a if she dropped a cup of coffee, broke a heel on her shoe, walked into a lampost, missed thelast bus home. All would be her responsibility, no one elses. To project that you are responsible for her lack of forward action and positive thinking is irresponsible, but we have already established that these people usually do not take responsibility for their actions or the destruction they cause in others lives.

Should these have been my massive red flags that my ex had severe trust issues? Should I have taken them more seriously and perhaps suggested coupled counselling?

As for the red flags see above and hopefully you can see them yourself to help be more aware of them and learn from them.

I doubt counselling would of made any difference at all.

To recieve counselling you need to be willing to be counselled, you need to willing to accept and acknowledge many aspects. Would you consider her to have such traits to able to go through counselling with sincerity?