Contact During Separation III

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

All,

this is a continuation of my "I & II" posts.   I received a call this AM from my soon to be ex uBPD wife.   She called to inform me that a prediction I made about her son and his father (ex-husband #1) came to pass.   That prediction was that the father would convince the son to move from the mother's house to live with him in another state (where the emancipation age is 18, i.e.: no more child support).

I realize I am leaving large gaps in this story but suffice it to say she was distraught.  When I first predicted this event she suggested my IQ was lower than that of a meadow vole's.  Now this morning she was calling for my advice.  I gave none except that to point out that she had raised a son that disregarded my advice in the past and who would now be difficult to move off the dime on this issue.

It was a polite shot at her knee caps, but I don't think she realized it.  She agreed with me.  I then excused myself and hung up.

I really don't want to deal with her and her family crap anymore.   It is crap that could have long ago been avoided by clear thinking and positive action.  I know this - these are the things I did avoid in my life prior to her.

This string should actually be on the "LEAVING" boards.   I won't reconcile with her.    Amazing to watch this unfold. And sickly satisfying to witness her realize and acknowledge I was correct with most of what I said.  

Her acknowledgement is a backhanded attempt at recycling.   She is becoming more desperate that I won't bite.

[Mike_confused]

All,

this is a continuation of my "I & II" posts.   I received a call this AM from my soon to be ex uBPD wife.   She called to inform me that a prediction I made about her son and his father (ex-husband #1) came to pass.   That prediction was that the father would convince the son to move from the mother's house to live with him in another state (where the emancipation age is 18, i.e.: no more child support).

I realize I am leaving large gaps in this story but suffice it to say she was distraught.  When I first predicted this event she suggested my IQ was lower than that of a meadow vole's.  Now this morning she was calling for my advice.  I gave none except that to point out that she had raised a son that disregarded my advice in the past and who would now be difficult to move off the dime on this issue.

It was a polite shot at her knee caps, but I don't think she realized it.  She agreed with me.  I then excused myself and hung up.

I really don't want to deal with her and her family crap anymore.   It is crap that could have long ago been avoided by clear thinking and positive action.  I know this - these are the things I did avoid in my life prior to her.

This string should actually be on the "LEAVING" boards.   I won't reconcile with her.    Amazing to watch this unfold. And sickly satisfying to witness her realize and acknowledge I was correct with most of what I said.  

Her acknowledgement is a backhanded attempt at recycling.   She is becoming more desperate that I won't bite.

[blecker]

Well it seems that you know the score. I applaud you. It took me far longer to understand the nature of what I was dealing with.

Now, rather than waste a whole lot more time placating senseless drama, make a plan.

My best to you.

[Mike_confused]

I have the plan.  She seems to be in limbo herself.   For all the complaints about me and the repeated statements about wanting a divorce, it appears that I have to file myself .  So be it.

[tuum est61]

Bumping this thread up for increased visibility.

[Mike_confused]

So where to start... .  

my uBPD soon to be ex-wife called me two days ago as I mentioned above.  She didn't contact me for two days after.  Tonight at the usual 11pm she calls.   She updates me on the issue with her son and acknowledges that I had helped him more than anyone else (she tells me now?).  I say thank you to her compliment and then let her know that I am tired and ready for bed.  She keeps me on the phone, with plenty of long silences.  This continued for 20 minutes before I said I was really tired and was going to bed.

It was almost as if she was waiting (hoping?) that i would make an overture to reconcile.  Her voice was soft and kind - it is not always this way.  I cannot think of a better explanation than that she was hoping I would make it easy for her and offer to come back to her - to rescue her of course.

I talked to my attorney the other day and have a meeting with him this coming week.

[sad but wiser]

Yeah - sounds like she's putting out feelers for a recycling.  Keep that appointment.

[Mike_confused]

All:

I am now 3 months separated currently from my uBPD wife.  I say uBPD but based on her choice of words, I suspect that her therapist has indeed diagnosed the BPD.     I do not plan to go back to my uBPD wife.

She, on the other hand is making a direct attempt to win me back - to recycle me.  She has apologized for the way she treated me, and says she now realizes how much I have cared for her.  I read that to mean "how much I have supported her".  I have told her I will not subject myself to further unwarranted criticism for just being who I naturally am.  In other words, I have told her I am not about to change the essence of my being to suit her vision of what a good husband should be.

I cannot and will not go back to her.  I have felt twinges of guilt for this position though.   Therein lies the obstacle for me.

[sad but wiser]

Mike_confused,

  I know.  You said, "For better and for worse."  And you meant it.  Sometimes you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, true?  It helped me to know that I wasn't helping my ex-husband (the divorce is in progress) by letting him do everything he wanted and treat me and the kids in whatever way he wanted.  As I emerged from FOG, I became acutely aware that there was a problem, researched and found out about BPD and OCPD and the lights went on!  Then came the guilt.  I just couldn't go back in, but how do you leave a person who has mental problems?

  For one thing, it is a marriage.  It is supposed to be a partnership, not a parent-child relationship.  Where is the half you were supposed to receive?  Also, you cannot pour from an empty cup, and my husband drained mine and then some.  Once there is nothing left to give emotionally, they get angry and testy, like a hungry baby with an empty milk bottle.  I hope this helps.

[Mike_confused]

Sad but Wiser... .  

It does help.  I also have nothing left to give.  she has completely drained me.  I now worry about my future health, even though I am never sick and am a robust, fit person.

Our marriage was never a partnership; rather, it has been parent/child as you say.  I have sacrificed much and I am not willing to do it anymore.   She burned me out.

[blecker]

 She burned me out.

Like Pheonix from the ashes, rise again sir.

These R/S are incredibly stressing. They pull from the very heart of you. And I have found that the nicer you are the deeper you get pulled from. Sometimes like your very soul is being drawn from the deepest part of us.

And still we try.

Be good to yourself. Make a plan. Always be kind.

[tuum est61]

I cannot and will not go back to her.  I have felt twinges of guilt for this position though.   Therein lies the obstacle for me.

Guilt about ending the relationship is something you are going to need to sort out before you will be able to move on. 

Booking some time with a therapist to talk about this guilt would be a plan.