We didn't even really date...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just doing some reflecting and thinking out loud here. Looking back, I didn't even really date her? Our first date consisted of me meeting her at a local elementary school playground where I brought coffee because she wanted to bring her 8 year old daughter (very first red flag). The second date the following day was a walk and the third date the day after that was another afternoon walk at the same location.  Later that day she texted me and said that her daughter (8) found out we had gone for a walk earlier and was bummed out as she didn't get to see me so my ex told her she'd ask me if I wanted to come over and say hi. Of course I said yes, so after dinner I went over there for the first time after our first date had only been 3 days prior. Just a side note to that -- her daughter was out riding her bike and didn't come in until several hours after I had been there... .  

After that night the routine was that I would come home from work, have dinner and then go over to her place for the evening. After about a week of that she invited me for dinner there. Following that the routine would be that I would go home from work, change and go over to her place for dinner and hang out for the evening.  

Two weeks later we were already doing family outings with the kids on the weekends and what not. After only a couple of weeks, if anyone would be around us or see us they would no doubt have thought we had been a family for a very long time.

Four weeks later I spent the night for the first time. After that I never spent a other night at my place and only a month later, just after two months of dating her I was moving in. Matter of fact, from the very fist date there wasn't a day that passed until she dumped me that we didn't see each other. We didn't even so much as go out for dinner until about 3 months after we started dating and I was living with her!

It was literally like I had an overnight family. Of course this was how I thought it was all supposed to be when you find "the one". It was just so, SO easy! There was no effort involved, at all. It just worked... .  

[Dave44]

Just doing some reflecting and thinking out loud here. Looking back, I didn't even really date her? Our first date consisted of me meeting her at a local elementary school playground where I brought coffee because she wanted to bring her 8 year old daughter (very first red flag). The second date the following day was a walk and the third date the day after that was another afternoon walk at the same location.  Later that day she texted me and said that her daughter (8) found out we had gone for a walk earlier and was bummed out as she didn't get to see me so my ex told her she'd ask me if I wanted to come over and say hi. Of course I said yes, so after dinner I went over there for the first time after our first date had only been 3 days prior. Just a side note to that -- her daughter was out riding her bike and didn't come in until several hours after I had been there... .  

After that night the routine was that I would come home from work, have dinner and then go over to her place for the evening. After about a week of that she invited me for dinner there. Following that the routine would be that I would go home from work, change and go over to her place for dinner and hang out for the evening.  

Two weeks later we were already doing family outings with the kids on the weekends and what not. After only a couple of weeks, if anyone would be around us or see us they would no doubt have thought we had been a family for a very long time.

Four weeks later I spent the night for the first time. After that I never spent a other night at my place and only a month later, just after two months of dating her I was moving in. Matter of fact, from the very fist date there wasn't a day that passed until she dumped me that we didn't see each other. We didn't even so much as go out for dinner until about 3 months after we started dating and I was living with her!

It was literally like I had an overnight family. Of course this was how I thought it was all supposed to be when you find "the one". It was just so, SO easy! There was no effort involved, at all. It just worked... .  

[BorderlineMagnet]

It's the whirlwind/intense thing they do sometimes. Those are the relationships with them you have to worry about, because they will generally burn themselves out pretty fast, or develop some kind of fear. All that intensity will turn to nothing when they are alone at some point.

[Dave44]

It's the whirlwind/intense thing they do sometimes. Those are the relationships with them you have to worry about, because they will generally burn themselves out pretty fast, or develop some kind of fear. All that intensity will turn to nothing when they are alone at some point.

They are never alone though that's the thing. Immediately on to the next one and on to the next one. They cycle never ends and becuase they are normally extremely attractive (like my ex was) it ensures that the cycle will never end. There will always be a line up of men waiting in line.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Exactly. That's why I hope I can somehow get through to my ex, that some of my words registered with her at the end. That in a moment of clarity she see remembers that I had only kind words for her when she had hurt me. Maybe the words "I really was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you", and the sob I heard after that will have her reach out after she's through her core shame, and has realized that she's just in the cycle of poor choices again. I want her to see I can change that cycle for her if she let's me love her. I can be a stable force in her kids life, and I can also understand her better than most of the men she's been with.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I want her to see I can change that cycle for her if she let's me love her.

Hi BorderlineMagnet, I understand what you are feeling because I felt the exact same way.  And it hurts... . a lot.  However, I caution you with this line of thinking. 

I finally realized I am not capable of changing anything for my ex, no matter how much I love her.  Love has zero to do with it.  This is something I still struggle with at times, but I see it much more clearly now.  Nothing will change for her unless she desires it for herself.  All the love in the world means nothing unless the person on the other end accepts it.  Take that love and give it to yourself.

I wish you well.

Check out #'s 4 and 9 in this article: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

[BP39]

Good thread dave ... . mine was like that met her on a monday next day a little page... . yes I said page ... . how far my rs goes back 1997.the next day a dinner followed by late night talks in the car in the woods.then about the 5th nite a sleep over fast forward one month to the day we are moving into our own apartment.7 months later pregnant and moving to our next apt in another state.

Whirlwind is right.the guy she cheated in me with moved in two weeks calling eaxh other wife and husband... . we hadnt even started our divorce process.

Borderline magnet I worry about your thinking.I havent posted on here in a while but I did ,was married to mine for fifteen years.many eposides of craziness been cheated on at least 5 times I know of , left about 4 times been to jail behind her .I build us back up shes fine for a year or 2 then the same cycle... .   yes I love her .I know her better than her mom.yes she was my wife. 2 kids a house she didnt have to work and I poured every ounce of life and love I had into her... .   where does it have me like her first husband that raised there first daughter... . left with 2 kids and a mess to clean up... .   no she wasnt always bad.at times she was perfect... .  

YOU LOVING THIS WOMAN AND GONNA SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH HER WILL NOT FIX HER... .  

Just will be her escape plan until she does something to you. And you have to move on from... .   just about every other week me and my ex do the lets think about it for the kids and us... . make progress .one BPD fight and back to square one... .   you cant fix this man ... . its ok to love her.I honestly do love my ex but I know I cant fix this .at times I dont think she can fix it

[BorderlineMagnet]

I appreciate your insights Phoenix and BP, I really do I guess I feel differently though because I have not experienced all the hate and terrible things with this girl that you have with your ex's. Sure, it hurt that she cheated, but I had it coming. I actually met her by cheating on my previous ex pwBPD with her. The girl before her wore me down so much that I was just her caretaker the last year of our relationship. We were barely lovers. She was so child-like that I couldn't get romantic feelings for her. So I guess this was karma. My current ex is the type that needs validation through sex, and has intense abandonment issues. I know I may be signing myself up for a life of pain if I re-engage her. Or maybe we will just have some more sexual fun and it will cathartic in a way now that I know what to expect. Or, since she's very high-functioning, we might have a shot at some kind of life if I can talk her into counseling. I don't know really. All I know is to me, she is worth a try.

[Peterpan]

This thread pulls a cord for me 

We didn't really date either, yes he is married, so I let that be his excuse, but we only really ever met for drinks, coffee, etc, once the first time at a cafe, then another time after a mutal public event,,his reasoning was that it was totally explainable, platonic in its appearance!... .   all other times were just somewhere remote and quiet, I had all the false promises of days out in the summer, walks hand in hand somewhere nice, and even on the times somewhere quiet, he spent all his time watching passing cars!

All the usual 'player' words, wish I could cuudle up and watch T.V. with you... .   wish I could... .   blah,blah,blah!

None of it ever materialised.

God even just reading this hurts,even now!