Ramblings at 6 Months NC

[nolisan]

Wow - made it to 6 months.

Here is where I am at:

Grateful she's gone:

I was rescuing her financially and couldn't afford it - now digging myself out.

More time for real friends and work - I was totally preoccupied with her

Don't miss the "abandonment terror" I would feel when she split and would bolt. My emotional sobriety is way better.

Seeing big changes in me from working Codependency and Adult Child stuff that the r/s brought to the surface (ouch). I didn't even know this stuff was there.

Th emotion stress had ground off 30 lbs (the BPD diet) - I have put 10 back on. Even my immune system is recovering.

Anger

Still have moments of bafflement - how could she have done those things

Angry at the disease

Sad she's gone:

Still have some feelings of rejection (illogical but still there).

Miss the good times - laughter and love making - they were good

At her core she was/is divine - beautiful, intelligent, funny - I miss that.

Acceptance

It just could not have worked out - not just because of her. I don't have the right "temperament" or "fortitude" to be in a relationship with a pwBPD. That doesn't make me a bad or weak person - it's just the way it is and that's OK.

I'll always have a love for her - my 1st true love. But i can never be with her - ever again. And that's OK

[asher2]

Nolisan... .   at a little over four months of NC, I feel the exact same way. You couldn't have described better my feelings right now.

Like you, my "grateful she is gone"1 section would be much larger than any other section. I've accepted the fact we are no longer together. Like you said, somewhere in my heart I will always have love for her, but I know we can never be together. And like you, I'm OK with that.

Like you, I also have times where I still miss her greatly. As you said, I believe at her core she is a good person. She just has a serious mental illness. But I do miss the times where she was "normal" and things between us were calm. I'd like to believe that was the "real" her. But one realization I've had since our breakup is that she will always get in the way of herself. I've learned that the guy she immediately jumped ship to from me isn't any better than me and they will have (probably have already had) the same issues we had.

I read somewhere on here awhile back that a good way to think of it is that she is someone else's problem now. For whatever reason, that phrase has been sticking in my head lately. She's somebody else's problem.

[ScotisGone74]

Now I'm at 5 months NC-it feels honestly like I take two steps forward, one step back.

I am fine most of the time, but every few days a certain song comes on or a certain thing pops up that reminds me of her or our time together.  She did me soo awful wrong in the end, but honestly I can't hang onto that, I saw some red flags in the beginning and my little voice always had doubts. In the end I was very worn down, a couple of years had felt like ten or fifteen, I feel like a load has been taken off my back and shoulders.  I still love her and miss her something awful some days, but it was never meant to be I guess, I can't be her full time caretaker, adviser, over seer anymore, I 've got enough to do taking care of myself now.  What is meant to be will be, I just wish it didn't have to hurt this bad.