For three weeks now things between my uBPDbf and I have been stable. He's been feeling happy spending time with me and hasn't dysregulated significantly when I'm around. We've had small to medium sized conflicts but with quick resolutions through SET and boundaries on my part but also him being quicker to calm. I've started to let my guard down more often, allowed myself to be vulnerable. There's clear open communication between us, talking is actually enjoyable and our intimate life has gone back to what it was when we first started together. I've truly felt happy in my relationship for the first time in probably over a year, and the stability gives me more room to recognize what's wrong and find new ways to deal with each problem.
This is a stark contrast to an even month ago when he calmly disclosed how disenchanted he was with the relationship, how he rarely was actually interested in me intimately, the passion was dead, or felt connected to me, or able to open up, that he was pretty convinced things wouldn't get better and was just waiting to find someone else so he could move on quickly. This conversation caused a paradigm shift in my perspective of the relationship. I realised that despite logically knowing it to be true I was in denial about his BPD and that started my journey of acceptance: this is a mental illness and things will never change.
And then the next weekend, things were wonderful.
So yeah, for three weeks, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Getting angry and telling me to 'just pack up and leave' is one of his most intense reactions when he's upset. He hasn't done it in a month.
I told him about things being 'seemingly better' and happy. He told me it's because I haven't triggered his anger or acted irrationally and been malevolent towards him. I mean yes, I've been less reactive, not JADEing whenever I'm conscious of it, avoiding invalidating him when he's upset, but he's also been acting more calm, has been more likely to consider my feelings and honestly making it easier for me to be rational and validating.
So yeah, last night the other shoe dropped. We were both tired and slightly irritable. I pointed out that the friend that we'd visited was really obsessed about establishing the gender fluidity of her two year old son. She tied his hair in a little pineapple on his head that afternoon and was showing off pictures of him in a tutu. She tends to post a lot of articles on accepting your kids no matter what gender they choose to be and it's funny because he's two, he's not yet internalized his gender identity, and I feel she's going a little over board with showing everyone that she's okay with people being lgbt. Almost like she would be disappointed if neither of her kids end up being lgbt,
.At first my bf laughed about what I said and said that the friend wants to turn her son gay ( exactly the joke I was trying to make).
But then suddenly he turned angry and said that I was extremely judgmental because I was raised that way and was prejudiced and backwards through my super catholic upbringing and would never say things like that if it was a parent overcompensating their kids actual gender by giving them footballs or pushing them to be a ballerina.
When I tried to explain that there's no truth to that, he refused to listen put up the music loud enough that there was no opportunity for him to hear anything more. It doesn't make sense what he said. I have many lgbt friends I'm very close to, had a pretty androgynous upbringing myself and even have counseled teenagers on coming out as TG when I was in university.
He repeatedly tried to then provoke me on the drive home, calling me a b**** repeatedly. I stopped responding at that point, was pretty upset, got home and promptly got out, and went to his room. I needed time to calm down. He came in and said that I should turn off my car lights before it is too late for him to jump my car. When I came back in he told me that it's best that I pack up and leave tonight because he really doesn't want to be around me while I'm acting like a b****. I told him it was really upsetting that he accused me of being prejudiced considering how accepting I've been of every strange thing he does and even go out of my way to support his interests.He'd told me that he wasn't accusing me, it's true. I said it. He heard it and so on. 15 minutes.
Then it became an issue that I had not showered yet immediately upon coming home and he accused me of terrible hygiene also because I refused to use his toothpaste because I have my own toothpaste from my dentist. And that's why he is never interested in me. Because I'm a grown adult who can't figure out to shower as needed. He'd -just- been telling me to go home and I was trying to resolve the conflict.
Finally he calmed down and wanted to enjoy some intimacy with me. All of a sudden he bites my ear. Hard. I get angry. Apparently I was touching his back too much. And he thought by biting my ear I'd realize he doesn't like that. Then he goes into a disappointed rant on how I never pick up on subtle clues. How he has to spell everything out to me and it's like I'm mentally deficient. How lately he finally feels like he can trust me and open up to me and I just repeatedly disappoint him. How I don't love him and care enough to try to follow his clues and how this is why we can't have a healthy intimate life. How I'm like all the other 'bit***s' he had dated. Lol. I yelled at him over saying that. There's no excuse for saying that.
And yet, despite breaking down repeatedly, going numb over my own issues, walking out at some point, I came back. I validated him. I used SET, I hugged him. I reminded myself that this was the illness.
And then we were close again. We spent the rest of the night close together. Talking about happy things, feeling connected, him thanking me, telling me I make him so happy.
It was exhausting. How one thing triggered him and suddenly everything was a bigger deal than usual. The cycle kept repeating over every small issue.
Ten steps forward. Three steps back. Still ahead. I'm more than convinced my boyfriend has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder mixed with some comorbid NPD.
