Ex BPD calls me selfish and trigger self doubt

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex of 8 years dumped me just 2 months ago. Our relationship has always been a rocky one, with 2 major breakups in the earlier years, and the latest reunion lasted for 4 years. He proposed to me, I said yes, and our wedding was suppose to be in June next year. However, due to a quarrel he had with my brother, things fell apart between us. It is indeed true that my brother did him wrong by chiding him in front of others, and he has his rights to be upset. And to his credit, he didn't pick a fight with me over that. The quarrel between us happened after I heard about quarrel from my bro and wanted to talk to him about it. He was very offended by my attitude, and he concluded that I was siding my brother even though I feel that I was as neutral as I could. And things just started to get out of hand from here... .He subsequently wanted me to give my bro '5x as much ___ as I have given him' and show him proof before he's willing to talk to me again. And so I confronted my bro, screenshot the msg and show him. But, he told me my 'confrontation' is too courteous, something which I didn't even offer him when I confronted him. At the same time, cos of my confrontation, my bro was upset and confronted him and asked him to stop bullying me. And that's the final straw. He broke up with me right after that.

I tried very hard to salvage this relationship, but his ultimatum to me is to serve all ties with my brother. And of course I couldn't agree to that. But as the breakup seems more real, I panicked and eventually agreed to his request. To which, he told me that he do not want this r/s anymore and do not want to go through the same problem with me. And that I'm lying and I'm just talking the good talk but eventually my attitude will surface again" And that was it. He was gone.

Since then I have went NC with him. for about 3 weeks. These 3 weeks were full of confusion, GUILT, anxieties, and fear for the future. But fortunately for myself, I have been actively seeking counselling since the very start of the breakup for I was very worried that I would not be able to cope with the fear and anxiety and heartache that was eating me inside out. As we've also went through 2 major breakups before (both times he left and came back), I was also very worried that I will never ever be able to put him behind me and will forever be hanging no to this r/s when he might never ever return again. I have also started googling about dyfunctional relationship and why some partner always put the blame on the other party. Slowly I have come to learn more about verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulative guy, NPD, and eventually BPD. Based on what I've shared with my counsellor, he suspects my ex might be suffering from BPD and the more i read up about it, the more it seems that my ex is indeed a BPD and i'm the codependent partner that has been fueling dysfunctional dance. As I equipped myself with more and more of these knowledge, i stopped feeling the guilt because I have come to understand that the breakdown of this relationship is not caused by me, nor is it him, but it is the BPD. But even so, I can't seem to detach myself from him emotionally and I cannot stop feeling sorry for him.

So last sunday, after 3 weeks of NC, he finally dropped me an email, and asked me to return him a certain sum of money for our recent holiday trip which he paid for. I am perfectly fine with paying him back (in fact, i was the one who asked him to let me know how much to pay him back when i last contacted him 3 weeks ago), but it was the email that killed me. In his email, he said things like "i have better girls than to spend it on you", "i look forward to receiving the money by 31 Dec, if not, do not blame me if i post something online that will shame you for the rest of your life". It was downright hurting. But my problem is, instead of feeling angry, I felt alot of sympathy and sorry for him. Even since our breakup, he has blocked me on FB, but common friends have been telling me that he has been posting very emotional things on FB, such as quoting sentimental song lyrics, and etc. So when i received that email from him, instead of taking the email at face value, I read beyond the hurt and I believe that he must be hurting, that's why he's intentionally hurting me back. And even though, by right, I am no longer responsible for his feelings, I can't help but keep feeling that I need to let him know that I know he didnt mean to hurt me, and I kept thinking with more empathy and kindness, he might soften and open up and face his own demon. So when i eventually transferred him the money 2 nights ago, I dropped him an email and to let him that I still love him and I'm sorry for all the hurt that i've caused. And he replied, but in his replyl he basically did a recap of what happened and what caused the break up, and of course, all blames were directed at me. For choosing my brother over him, for picking a fight with him over someone who chided him in public. And he ended the email by saying that when all these is done and dusted, perhaps a great many people would think that I have love him true and great. But he do not want for a moment to have me thinking that he will be one of them. He says I'm the most selfish of all partners he had and that is how he will remember me.

I acknowledge that I do have a codependency issue, and it matters alot to me that he will remember me in good light. But his last email just killed it all; he took away even the very last validation that I needed from him. Even though I know that I should not let how he think of me affect me, but somehow i just cannot shake it off. It even got me wondering if I am in fact the selfish one, the codependent one that caused all these? If I was not a codependent, would this r/s have worked out?

And also, could someone reaffirms me that the way he replied is abusive, or not? I have seem to lost judgement of what is abusive or what is not. Part of me really want to just put this behind and move on, but part of me is still searching and hoping for that tiny ray of hope that might signal his return eventually (even though rationally I know it's not good for me). My friends could not understand my why I can't let go and move on, but yet I can't seem to stop seeing the good in him and fearing for his future if he continues to self destruct his life w/o acknowledging his own problem. but then the question is again, does he really have problem or am i the one?

Any form of advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[peace_seeker]

My ex of 8 years dumped me just 2 months ago. Our relationship has always been a rocky one, with 2 major breakups in the earlier years, and the latest reunion lasted for 4 years. He proposed to me, I said yes, and our wedding was suppose to be in June next year. However, due to a quarrel he had with my brother, things fell apart between us. It is indeed true that my brother did him wrong by chiding him in front of others, and he has his rights to be upset. And to his credit, he didn't pick a fight with me over that. The quarrel between us happened after I heard about quarrel from my bro and wanted to talk to him about it. He was very offended by my attitude, and he concluded that I was siding my brother even though I feel that I was as neutral as I could. And things just started to get out of hand from here... .He subsequently wanted me to give my bro '5x as much ___ as I have given him' and show him proof before he's willing to talk to me again. And so I confronted my bro, screenshot the msg and show him. But, he told me my 'confrontation' is too courteous, something which I didn't even offer him when I confronted him. At the same time, cos of my confrontation, my bro was upset and confronted him and asked him to stop bullying me. And that's the final straw. He broke up with me right after that.

I tried very hard to salvage this relationship, but his ultimatum to me is to serve all ties with my brother. And of course I couldn't agree to that. But as the breakup seems more real, I panicked and eventually agreed to his request. To which, he told me that he do not want this r/s anymore and do not want to go through the same problem with me. And that I'm lying and I'm just talking the good talk but eventually my attitude will surface again" And that was it. He was gone.

Since then I have went NC with him. for about 3 weeks. These 3 weeks were full of confusion, GUILT, anxieties, and fear for the future. But fortunately for myself, I have been actively seeking counselling since the very start of the breakup for I was very worried that I would not be able to cope with the fear and anxiety and heartache that was eating me inside out. As we've also went through 2 major breakups before (both times he left and came back), I was also very worried that I will never ever be able to put him behind me and will forever be hanging no to this r/s when he might never ever return again. I have also started googling about dyfunctional relationship and why some partner always put the blame on the other party. Slowly I have come to learn more about verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulative guy, NPD, and eventually BPD. Based on what I've shared with my counsellor, he suspects my ex might be suffering from BPD and the more i read up about it, the more it seems that my ex is indeed a BPD and i'm the codependent partner that has been fueling dysfunctional dance. As I equipped myself with more and more of these knowledge, i stopped feeling the guilt because I have come to understand that the breakdown of this relationship is not caused by me, nor is it him, but it is the BPD. But even so, I can't seem to detach myself from him emotionally and I cannot stop feeling sorry for him.

So last sunday, after 3 weeks of NC, he finally dropped me an email, and asked me to return him a certain sum of money for our recent holiday trip which he paid for. I am perfectly fine with paying him back (in fact, i was the one who asked him to let me know how much to pay him back when i last contacted him 3 weeks ago), but it was the email that killed me. In his email, he said things like "i have better girls than to spend it on you", "i look forward to receiving the money by 31 Dec, if not, do not blame me if i post something online that will shame you for the rest of your life". It was downright hurting. But my problem is, instead of feeling angry, I felt alot of sympathy and sorry for him. Even since our breakup, he has blocked me on FB, but common friends have been telling me that he has been posting very emotional things on FB, such as quoting sentimental song lyrics, and etc. So when i received that email from him, instead of taking the email at face value, I read beyond the hurt and I believe that he must be hurting, that's why he's intentionally hurting me back. And even though, by right, I am no longer responsible for his feelings, I can't help but keep feeling that I need to let him know that I know he didnt mean to hurt me, and I kept thinking with more empathy and kindness, he might soften and open up and face his own demon. So when i eventually transferred him the money 2 nights ago, I dropped him an email and to let him that I still love him and I'm sorry for all the hurt that i've caused. And he replied, but in his replyl he basically did a recap of what happened and what caused the break up, and of course, all blames were directed at me. For choosing my brother over him, for picking a fight with him over someone who chided him in public. And he ended the email by saying that when all these is done and dusted, perhaps a great many people would think that I have love him true and great. But he do not want for a moment to have me thinking that he will be one of them. He says I'm the most selfish of all partners he had and that is how he will remember me.

I acknowledge that I do have a codependency issue, and it matters alot to me that he will remember me in good light. But his last email just killed it all; he took away even the very last validation that I needed from him. Even though I know that I should not let how he think of me affect me, but somehow i just cannot shake it off. It even got me wondering if I am in fact the selfish one, the codependent one that caused all these? If I was not a codependent, would this r/s have worked out?

And also, could someone reaffirms me that the way he replied is abusive, or not? I have seem to lost judgement of what is abusive or what is not. Part of me really want to just put this behind and move on, but part of me is still searching and hoping for that tiny ray of hope that might signal his return eventually (even though rationally I know it's not good for me). My friends could not understand my why I can't let go and move on, but yet I can't seem to stop seeing the good in him and fearing for his future if he continues to self destruct his life w/o acknowledging his own problem. but then the question is again, does he really have problem or am i the one?

Any form of advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[AwakenedOne]

... .the breakdown of this relationship is not caused by me, nor is it him, but it is the BPD. But even so, I can't seem to detach myself from him emotionally and I cannot stop feeling sorry for him.

He is the BPD, that is his personality unfortunately.

And also, could someone reaffirms me that the way he replied is abusive, or not? I have seem to lost judgment of what is abusive or what is not.

Any form of advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

He comes across as a controlling jerk to be honest with you. This isn't real love. Your family is the one that really loves you. Choose your brother over this guy any day. Somebody good will come along for you. From the pattern of what you describe here he is going to one day change his mind though and want to be back with you. I hope you don't allow it for your sake. NC is the way to go. Don't give that guy the time of day. Write down the nasty words he said to you and keep it by the phone to deter you from dealing with him. Having extreme compassion for an abuser is not good. Sorry your going through this. I wish you well my friend.  

[peace_seeker]

Thank u so much AwakenedOne.

I think my problem is that i am unable to see him as the BPD. I keep seeing him as the good guy, and I keep having this hope that one day his anger will subside and he will come to his senses. But I know i should stop this.

It is really v tough to take him off my mind and to accept that he's really a BPD. Sometimes the way he twist the story around can be so convincing that I wonder if im the one who's crazy.

I need help to break free.  :'(

[billypilgrim]

But he do not want for a moment to have me thinking that he will be one of them. He says I'm the most selfish of all partners he had and that is how he will remember me.

It even got me wondering if I am in fact the selfish one, the codependent one that caused all these? If I was not a codependent, would this r/s have worked out?

I know your pain and I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  Let me start by saying that you are very obviously not a selfish person.  The very fact that you considered cutting ties with your family shows your unselfishness (probably too unselfish, as AwakenedOne said).  My guess is that his selfishness comment has more to do with him than you.

The other thing you may want to look into is why him calling you selfish hit home.  I received a similar e-mail from my ex/BPD in which she described me as things that really, really bothered me.  Things that I knew were not true but for some reason, hearing it from her really cut deep.  I had to look deep into myself to figure out why it had such a negative effect on me.  It sounds like you are seeing someone regarding this, I would maybe bring up the fact that you are really bothered by him calling you selfish and see where that may lead.  

Lastly, try to start distancing yourself from worrying about what he may or may not think of you post break up.  It stunts the healing process and you have to remember, you are dealing with someone who does not think the way you or I do when it comes to breakups.  You have been painted black, you are now all bad in his mind.  There is nothing you can do to change that.  The best thing for you right now is to stay NC and continue to see your counselor.  Keep your distance and focus on yourself.  

[Hope0807]

HIS illness uses your compassion and genuine nature and turns it into a sword to stab you with.  HIS illness uses song lyrics, lies against you, and any form social means to falsely gather sympathy for himself and to boost his own narcissism.  Learn about HIS degree of illness and how it MUST move you away from apologies and compassion for him and TOWARD compassion and self-preservation.

Save yourself and RUN!  

[Tibbles]

It takes time to fully accept that they have BPD and are ill. Especially if there is no official diagnosis and they keep telling you that you are the selfish one. It takes time to process the hurt and panic and self doubt when the relationship ends. It takes time to accept that the relationship is abusive. Give yourself that time. Keep posting and reading here. So many common themes like having to choose between them and family. I too had to choose my ex over my family, including my brother. I will always regret the lost years on no real connection with my family. My brother is worth a trillion more than my ex, yet at the time I did not choose him.

So the answers to your questions - Is he abusive - YES YES YES YES

Does he have the problem or is it you - HIM HIM HIM HIM

Give yourself time. The panic and self doubt does pass. Look at your co-dependency and the part you played in it all. Learn from it and remember you ( and me may have had co-dependency issues but we are not the ones with the illness. I definitely had poor life skills and helped reinforce his bad behaviour but I am not responsible for the choices and decisions he makes, not in the past or the future. Those are his to own. ( a bit of self counselling going on here).

Your in the right place to learn and heal and with time move on. Hang in there

[CloseToFreedom]

Yes, they try to blame you for everything. In the four years I've been with my ex gf, she told me SO often I was selfish. Never mind I always tried to help her, give her advise with her education and work, spend literally thousands of euros on presents and holidays, bought a house she could live in for a few hundred euros a month (with me paying the lions share).

Sure, I had some 'selfish' moments. I was often busy with work and I wanted to watch some movies and I liked to play some games. When she was bringing me down, I tried to stand up for myself. Is that being selfish? I don't think so. I was clinging with my dear life on the last shades of my personality that she wasn't able to destroy.

[peace_seeker]

Thank u all so so very much! Each and every one of ur reply, reaffirmation & encouragement means so much to me. Reading all these actually made me teared cos it makes me realize how tragically sad it is that the one we love are the ones who put us down so much, while people whom we don't even know are the one who would even trust & support us.

I would also like to address this :

The other thing you may want to look into is why him calling you selfish hit home.

I think why it bothers me so much is because it makes me feel selfish to even be thinking abt moving on. The way he calls me selfish for "choosing my bro over him" and causing this breakup makes me feel like as if I'm suppose to be responsible for the mess. And that makes me feel even more guilty /selfish about moving on as it makes me feel bad that I'm abandoning him. I always have this problem abt abandoning him because he was abandoned by his dad when young and i really dont want him to go through the same hurt again... .

But I know i need to move on. For myself and for him. Sometimes when I slipped back into the "rescue mentality" and still thinking of helping him, I'll try to see it from the other perspective that maybe I'm making his life better by leaving so that he is now freed of the burden of needing to face my family or me again. That kinda helps to elevate some of the guilt abt leaving.

I'll work hard on keeping NC & focusing on recovery. We still have some housing paperwork to be settled and i just hope he won't give me another hell of the time when the time comes to settle it.

 to everyone and let's fight hard toward recovery!

[downwhim]

peace-seeker,

You and I have a similar story. The reason we want to fix them and not abandon them has to do with our co dependent issues. It is all about helping them, making them better. This is NOT helping US. We need comfort and healing... .they are abusive and treated us terribly. Yes, we played our part in it but we are now painted BLACK and they cannot stand us. Any communication will be painful so you need to stop and go N/C. Seriously, if you want more pain then keep in contact... .

What man makes you chose between him and a family member?

What man verbally abuses his fiancé and thinks it is ok?

He is sick. He has a mental illness and the sooner you let him be the sooner you will accept it is really over and that you need to work on you.

This is what I am saying to myself everyday. I am in pain still from him running off with a replacement while engaged to me. He ended 8 years and with an email. What a chicken... .Who does this? I immediately went N/C because I knew anything out of his mouth from here on out would bring me pain.

I have no idea what I am suppose to do now - future plans with him are gone. We were suppose to move, buy a house together... .etc. Some days I hate him, other days I love and miss him. But, it is all part of the process.

Be strong, you sound like a wonderful person. 

[peace_seeker]

He ended 8 years and with an email. What a chicken... .Who does this?

Downwhim,

I really feel ur pain!    Our stories are really so similar! My ex dumped me over SMS and blocked me off what'sapp and FB. Not any better than ur ex. All chickens!

I have no idea what I am suppose to do now - future plans with him are gone. We were suppose to move, buy a house together... .etc. Some days I hate him, other days I love and miss him. But, it is all part of the process.

You gotta be strong too. The breakup is still messing my head. Sometimes I'll think of the times when he was still in good r/s w my brother & makes me wonder if im really the one who really screwed up. We even bought a house, and the new house is just a few street away from where I stay now. I'll need to travel pass it almost everyday and I'll get reminded of the broken dreams that we once shared. It is indeed a terrible terrible feeling.

Just keep reminding yourself that with or without BPD, he's totally not worth keeping if he can run away with another girl when u two are still engaged! You sounds a lot more clear headed abt his BPD and acceptance of this breakup so pls keep going! I'll pray for ur recovery and stay strong. We'll see the light at the end of the tunnel together.

[peace_seeker]

HIS illness uses song lyrics, lies against you, and any form social means to falsely gather sympathy for himself and to boost his own narcissism.

Hope0807,

I think u might be so right abt this. It has been bothering me alot abt why he could be appearing so sentimental on FB, but yet such a devil towards me. It really hurts me when common friends come telling me that he has been drinking alot, posting alot of sentimental lyrics, and even telling them that he still loves me & he knows that I still loves him. Then why is he acting so ruthlessly behind everyone's back towards me?

And what makes me even more confused is that he actually told others that we are in a unhealthy relationship. And even though he still loves me, he won't regret breaking up w me (?) It almost makes me feel like I'm responsive for the unhealthy-ness! But I am working v hard not to blame myself as I know that normal healthy couple shld work tgt to resolve any r/s issues and not just blame others without looking inwards and seeing how he might have contributed even the slightest bit. I hope I'm right on this and I hope i can stay mentally strong enough to break free of his craze making

[Trog]

I had to back away from mutual friends who seemed to think it was helpful to tell me she was posting things on FB. I would not call myself a strong person but when it came to social media or having an interest in who she was seeing or what she was doing I truly am not curious and have no desire to know. I am not as good in transferring that to direct contact, in which she always manages to tell me what she is doing or who she is attracted to. I just don't want to know and because of this have now changed phones as she would call me from different numbers and im not good at hanging up on her.

Your story is particular striking in its elements because it contains parts of so many of our stories. The use of guilt and self doubt to twist us, the call to end friendships and family relationships, my ex insisted my parents not see our future children because of mistakes they made with me. It was faux care twisted to keep me isolated. Fortunately no kids were ever born and as I count my blessings in escaping her that has to be #1.

We are, many of us, codependents, who will search ourselves for fault and while another also points the finger we'll take all that blame and turn ourselves inside our trying to fix the issues. I was in therapy, I was encouraged to read book on my'anger'. The anger i showed because nothing ever went my way, she spent my money on rubbish, she didn't contribute to the household, we never saw my friends or family, I wasn't allowed to buy anything that I enjoyed, and strangely, I had some anger! So I tried to improve myself, so I could be the perfect uncomplaining mug she dreamed of. I am angry, Im angry at me. But we also need to cut outselves some slack, codependents are not bad people, but they put themselves last and teach others to do the same. I was im church today and I recalled a comment she made to me when I said that God has blessed me for something, she told me basically that God would not waste time on saving me from anything. It is only starting to sink in how abused I have been. This just was not love. I married a woman who didn't love me. Well, never again.

[peace_seeker]

Your story is particular striking in its elements because it contains parts of so many of our stories. The use of guilt and self doubt to twist us, the call to end friendships and family relationships, my ex insisted my parents not see our future children because of mistakes they made with me. It was faux care twisted to keep me isolated. Fortunately no kids were ever born and as I count my blessings in escaping her that has to be #1.

Thanks for this validation. Honestly, I did not realize that he is THAT much a BPD. I am been so used to his abuse, that being called 'stupid', 'bxxxh", "FxxxUp" have become so normal that I was surprised at friend's surprised reaction to see those vulgarities in his emails to me. The thing about him (or maybe most pwBPD) is that he did not isolate me from my family and friends 'for no reasons'. He will always be able to find a pretty valid reason for my own benefit to make me leave my friends/family. (he has stopped me from going out with a group of friends because he thinks that they are childish and bad influence, all of which are not true but he always manage to make me believe him because I looked up to him so very much) And that is why it is so hard to realize that he's actually doing all these for his own selfish, childish, underdeveloped emotional motives. But now things are so clear, it is undeniably that he really is think logically or to handle his emotions (rage towards my bro) maturely. Hence target it all at me, someone who's always so will to absorb his anger and shame.

Now thinking back, there are so so so many things that he did me wrong. He has even slapped me a few times before and even accused me of cheating before (even though i really did not). I was so in love with him that I took all the blame and even believed that I deserved them, but no, no one deserves to be treated this way.

This is a very well written article that I came across during this breakup that I felt could finally resonate with what I was feeling. www.huffingtonpost.com/reut-amit/he-never-hit-me-domestic-abuse_b_5974386.html

"My solitude meant that I could no longer see the reflection in other people's eyes indicating what was normal. I could only see the reflection in his eyes and began to believe what he told me about myself. I began to believe his irrational explanations despite my own heart and eyes. I let him define reality. I became isolated. It became easier to cut off my support networks completely than to have to lie about everything. Than to face the humiliation of my reality. A part of me knew that once they knew the extent of what was happening, they would force me to get out for good. I wouldn't be able to go back. I knew I would always need to even in the worst of times. But he never hit me.

I set a benchmark. The red line I wouldn't cross. The minute he hit me, I would leave. But the truth is, I know I wouldn't have left then either. I would have rationalized that in hitting me, he would realize how out of hand things were. Everything would change now. I wouldn't have left. By hurting me, he showed me he loved me. He cared enough to go that crazy. He cared so much that he was overwhelmed by anger or jealousy or sadness and simply couldn't control himself.

When it was over, I wasn't permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?

There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I'm learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love."



I love these few paragraphs, it completely describes the feelings that I wasn't able to put into words. I still read this from time to time to know that I am not alone, that my love for my pwBPW is not a unique and special love, but just a love common to all who has been abused emotionally.