Wife's Therapy Not Hitting the Target

[bassist230]

While not officially diagnosed, my wife definitely has tendencies that lean toward BPD.  We are both in individual therapy but we had to quit marriage counseling because the therapist started pointing out traits that my wife did not see in herself and she felt attacked and flat out refused to go back or try a different therapist.  Through my individual therapy we have been working on ways (including reading Stop Walking on Eggshells) for me to handle my wife's sometimes out of control emotions and put-downs.  My therapist believes that my wife probably has BPD but obviously she can't diagnose her.  Meanwhile my wife's therapist is mainly pointing the finger at me and I don't think he even has a clue as to who the real person is he is dealing with.  My wife (and her therapist) refuse to bring me into a session, yet he is giving her homework such as having her write down all of the things I do wrong.  I feel like it is one-sided marriage therapy where I am not represented as anything other than how she describes me.  I have emailed her therapist asking to be allowed to express some of the concerns that are shared by me as well as her parents, which has gone unanswered.  I ask if he has given her any diagnosis and she said, no he just listens and helps her with her problems and just validates all of her feelings without helping her deal with them.  Am I wrong for thinking that this homework assignment is wrong or is he possibly actually going somewhere with this to try to help her?   He has also recommended a trial separation without attending marriage counseling which just doesn't make any sense.  I'm just lost on this and feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

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[COLB]

Bassist,
I would take a moment and try to not look at it as a battle, there is no winning in this.  I have gone the separate therapist route and the joint therapist route with my BPDw.  Some good and bad. I would focus on yourself.  You cannot fix her nor should you try to be her therapist or manage her care.  There may be a method to the madness you don't see...you have to get back into your own yard.  I would not expect her therapist to reply to you either.  You are not the patient.  This may sound harsh but you need to focus on yourself and how you can better live in the world of a BPD.  If there is no progress or plan that will become apparent (I have lived through that as well with my BPDw).  That is where I learned to focus on my yard instead of trying to fix someones other than mine.  I have had multiple therapist talk to me about not expecting much from my wifes therapy either with the low success rates seen by BPDs in therapy.  It goes to the heart of BPD in that they don't think they are the issue... keep your head up and hope for the best.