I had a recall of the spring equinox 4 years ago. We were in a "forced separation" when I get a call. ":)on't ask any questions - just get over here". The relationship was on again ... .like a seesaw cutting my soul in half.
Just cleaning out some files and ran into this - I was healing up well at 1 year
"My BPD Love Affair
I am one year out of the relationship and NC on both sides.
I met her in an AlAnon meeting – she had over 20 years in recovery. We became friends I feel now that she desired a r/s from the start – early idealization. I was basically a happy bachelor. She shared a lot of her stuff – she had ADD/ADHD and took amphetamines for it, was pansexual, had complex PTSD, was sexually abused as a child by an uncle, said her mother hated her and she had been in abusive relationships. One daughter was no contact – said her mother was insane. The mother said the other had BPD and love addiction. Now I see these as big red flags.
She was finishing a degree and was broke – I helped her with her finances. She warned me that SOME women might take advantage of me (yep). But she talked a good story, was well read, very intelligent and good looking.
One night we went to a Pagan Halloween celebration. That was the night I feel in love with her (btw she was a witch – did she cast a spell?). We moved into dating – things changed – she became very controlling. She was an “expert” in relationships and laid out all the stages – we would not have sex for 6 months. Things would be on her terms.
A month later we slept together
. This was my first sober love affair – it really was like losing my virginity again. I was hooked. Then it got weird. We would have great sex – the next day she would be like a stranger – cold as a fish. She would tell me I was “engulfing” her. Then she would be back nibbling on my ear. I googled “push-pull” relationships and I didn’t like what I saw – they didn’t last.
Things got more dramatic – each time she ran I had huge abandonment feelings. She would blame me for triggering her – it was entirely my fault. It felt like I was being punished for little unintentional mistakes. I apologised and pledged to change.
The financial manipulation escalated – she couldn’t hold a job and wanted me to buy her house and sell mine. I was beginning to not trust her. My weight began to fall from the cycles of closeness/distance. It felt like a cocaine addiction. It was really good when I had it and really bad when I didn’t.
I started to see I had a sex and love addiction and joined SLAA. The sex stopped (later she admitted that that was manipulation). I started to see that I was really codependent (ie rescuing her).
To make a long story short that was really the end. She preferred me “sick” which was really ironic considering her 20 years of recovery. But cycles of closeness/distance continued. The pressure to buy her house increased (everything would be fine then). Finally she did a midnight move back to her husband she has left 5 years earlier because of his sex addiction (more irony).
She returned to pack saying she wasn’t intimate with her hubi (ya right!). She said she still loved me. There was a hint that the r/s could somehow continue.
She was sleeping on my couch (her house had no power). I woke up early – the house was cold – the back door was wide open and my cats had escaped (they came back). A chill went through me – she did it again!
But there she was on the couch. The wind had blown the door open in the night. Something clicked in me. I woke her up and said “Get the F… Out”. That’s the last I saw of her other than an email saying she never wanted to see me again and she would call the police if I tried.
It’s been a year of mutual no contact.
Recovery and Healing
I was shattered. I had convinced myself she was my “one” – the key to my happiness – now she was gone. I felt totally abandoned and betrayed. I was a mess and felt like I was withdrawing from heroin.
I threw myself into recovery – I knew that I was really wounded and needed help. I found a therapist – she told me I had been in an abusive relationship. My friends had been telling me that but I didn’t want to believe it. That validation really helped start to bring some clarity. The T also said “sounds like BPD” – I knew nothing of the disease. I started researching the subject – the bells went off.
I got on this forum and saw that I wasn’t alone. That was a relief. I vented my anger, pain and grief. I joined ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and CoDA (Codependents Anonymous). Again I wasn’t alone.
Learnings.
I discovered I had developed a “betrayal bond” – the worse she treated me the tighter the bond became. These bonds take two people – both with brokenness.
After I had learned enough about BPD (taking her inventory) I started to look at my own brokenness especially why I had these feelings of abandonment. The ex had many traits of my mother – there was a sick attraction back to re-experience those feelings.
I have looked at both my adult child and codependent traits – they have interfered with my life for decades. I was this painful dysfunctional relationship brought them all to the forefront. I see now that we were both wounded adult children – both unhealed.
Today I have forgiven her (I still have an occasional twinge) and myself. I see both of us as children – scared and wounded. I view us both with compassion.
I see love differently. I don’t have the same yearning for a romantic relationship. I see now that that is just a way to fill my “void”. That void can really only be filled by a relationship with a higher power and a love of self. That comes before any interpersonal or intimate relationship. The HP will never abandon me or my inner child.
If another opportunity for a relationship comes along I will look for red flags. I now seek interdependence and more equanimity.
