Significant times of the year...

[joolz29]

I don't post very often and in fact recently I've not even logged on very often but sometimes I have a strong urge to 'share' as you have been really helpful and kind in the past. It's been nearly 9 months now since I last saw my foster daughter and in some ways I have come to a kind of acceptance of this is how things are, ie non contact but... . last weekend marked the anniversary of her moving into my house, following a massive fall out with her family years ago, and next weekend is her birthday. It will be the first time since I meet her almost 8 years ago,that I haven't marked her b day. She will be turning 20. As I have no way of getting in touch it is not a question of sending a card or anything like that but, I cant help but wonder, if she will think of b days past, spent with me, of happier times spent choosing her b day gifts etc or, as I suspect, am I 'deleted' from her existence? This is the hardest thing of all to accept - that someone who I spent so much time with, tried so hard to help, showed such care and love to, can just appear to erase me from her memory. Hard one to move on from. It is the sense of being 'discarded' that I realise I just can't comprehend. Anyways - that is all really for now. Feel better for just writing it down

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

dear joolz 

I can't tell you for sure what exactly your foster daughter is feeling or if she's thinking of you or trying hard to forget at the moment... . What I CAN tell you is that you have been a positive influence in her life, and at some point she will remember and miss you.

The trouble that we who don't suffer from BPD have is that we interpret what's happening with our non-disordered logic. And that way, things sometimes look more bleak, more final and more malicious.

There is no way around the pain of feeling rejected or 'discarded', like you say. We have gone through several cycles of that with my step-daughter. It appears that when they are in the phase of rejecting, they only remember the "bad" part of us and cannot remember the "good" part. It's like we are two different people. And the good one doesn't exist right now. What they struggle with is called "object constancy" - here is a good thread on that topic that might help explain it better:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.msg579568#msg579568

[joolz29]

Thank you pessim-optimist- all that actually makes things very clear. It totally fits with what happened - I was the 'idealised' new mother figure for a while and then it all fell apart. It is just so so sad - that young woman I cared about so much is destined to keep going through the same cycles of idealise/reject/devalue for her life as I don't imagine she will ever accept her own part in her relationships that fall apart.So sad. I saw such a lovely side of her so often and she had such potential but she seems to be on the path of just repeating the family history of unhappy dysfunction(She was put in care aged 3 having been abused in every way imaginable)

Weird coincidence - I met the woman who used to be her mental health counselor this week - not seen the woman for 6 years. She confirmed that she thought my f daughter does indeed have borderline personality disorder and had she been seeing her as an 'adult' would have given that diagnosis. So, again some validation for me - I stumbled across all this through my own research, knowing that the way my f daughter behaved was not 'normal' and yet, all the professionals that worked with her years ago seem to have known what was causing the behaviour but noone felt like explaining that to me at the time... . still makes me angry. Feel how badly let down my f daugher has been by people who could have helped her better. The woman also did say she thought my f daughter would always be drawn to me in a way as I was the first person who provided her with stability in her life - makes it all the sadder really that she just couldn't accept that and have me in her life but anyway - that's how things are for me and I have to just accept it for my own sanity's sakes! Thank you again for being a place to share and vent.

[pessim-optimist]

Weird coincidence - I met the woman who used to be her mental health counselor this week - not seen the woman for 6 years. She confirmed that she thought my f daughter does indeed have borderline personality disorder and had she been seeing her as an 'adult' would have given that diagnosis.

I believe things happen for a reason. I am glad that your own research was confirmed by others. And maybe, just maybe this isn't the end of the road for you and your f daughter. But that's for another time - no reason to dwell on that in the present time.

all the professionals that worked with her years ago seem to have known what was causing the behaviour but noone felt like explaining that to me at the time... . still makes me angry. Feel how badly let down my f daugher has been by people who could have helped her better.

That's truly tragic. It is still the practice to not officially diagnose before the age of 18, but the atmosphere is changing a bit in terms of treatment options for minors.

The woman also did say she thought my f daughter would always be drawn to me in a way as I was the first person who provided her with stability in her life - makes it all the sadder really that she just couldn't accept that and have me in her life but anyway - that's how things are for me and I have to just accept it for my own sanity's sakes! Thank you again for being a place to share and vent.

I agree with that. And for now - take care of yourself, your own needs and live your own life to the fullest. You are always welcome here to share when you feel like it. And who knows? There might be a time that your f daughter re-surfaces in your life. If that's so, you will be better equipped to interact with her.

[joolz29]

Yup pessim-optimist, I also think things happen for a reason... . I hadn't seen this woman for 6 years and she pops up the week I'm thinking so much of my f daughter as it is her birthday tom, to confirm to me what I'd figured out myself! I think the reason I feel angry is because of exactly what you hit on - IF I had known what I know now, I would have handled things very differently and would have been much better equipped and maybe would have managed to avoid some of the unpleasantness... . but I know there is no point in what ifs really. On a personal level, I have gone out and made a whole lot of new friends and have started to do things for me, reconnect with my love of music, singing etc and do feel much calmer/happier in general but, I think I will always have a piece in my heart for my f daughter which will feel this sadness for her and what happened - very early on when she first began coming to me on respite care she asked 'do you have room in your heart for me?' I answered, 'yes and I always will have' and that will always remain true... . maybe you can join me in thinking of her tomorrow and hoping she has a happy birthday even if she won't know I'm wishing that for her... .

[pessim-optimist]

You are right, what ifs don't solve much, and nor does beating ourselves up. I like to look into the past for information, understanding, and important lessons to be better equipped to deal with the present.

feel much calmer/happier in general but, I think I will always have a piece in my heart for my f daughter which will feel this sadness for her and what happened - very early on when she first began coming to me on respite care she asked 'do you have room in your heart for me?' I answered, 'yes and I always will have' and that will always remain true... . maybe you can join me in thinking of her tomorrow and hoping she has a happy birthday even if she won't know I'm wishing that for her... .

That is such a sweet story! I will definitely think of her with you (maybe others here too, who read your post)! I will also pray for her that as she entering her 20s, she will get motivated to find the help she needs, and find peace and healing for her pain.

[joolz29]

Thank you