The meaning of 'I love you' and how quickly they said it to you?

[MakingMyWay]

This is something that has been bothering me a lot lately. It has to do with both my undiagnosed ex, my replacement and me. My ex and I mutually said that we loved each other a month or so after we became 'official'. I think its worth noting that we had only met a couple of times in real life before this. I also asked her out very spontaneously.

One month was fine for me, it was mutual at that point. But in the weeks before that she had tried to say it in roundabout ways. One time she wrote it in pig Latin to me and I ignored it (shouldn't have, I know) a few days in to our relationship. Another time, about a week later, she text me using her brothers phone pretending to be him and asked if I loved her to which I replied "Its too soon to tell". After we said it mutually, she used it very frequently, to the point where it became annoying at times.

With my replacement, she said it within a few days of dating him. As far as I can tell it was mutual, but it still seems really soon. She'd known him for about 3 months and was friends with him. I don't know how close they were because she kept their interactions pretty secret, but she insisted many many times that this guy was strange and I had nothing to worry about. He obsessed over her. After discarding me she went straight into this guys arms basically and as far as I know (5 months complete nc) they are still together. I was obviously very confused about this. She insists that she didn't cheat on me physically with him, which I believe, but its pretty clear he had something to do with her dumping me, which she denied.

It makes me wonder if she genuinely meant it or if she was just heavily idealizing me or my replacement. It also makes me wonder why this new guy would be so eager to say it back to her. Is it a sign that he is unhealthy as well, or just that he is intoxicated by the idealization phase?

Is the need for attachment of some borderlines so intense that they can go from zero feelings for somebody to loving them in a few days?

Any thoughts or experiences are appreciated as always.

[fromheeltoheal]

Is the need for attachment of some borderlines so intense that they can go from zero feelings for somebody to loving them in a few days?

Yes.  An attachment for a borderline includes the fantasy that this latest person is perfect, ideal, and finally, after all these years and all that pain, this person, this attachment is going to make all that go away, and we'll ride off into the sunset with string music playing.  And also, if a borderline senses that saying "I love you" to an attachment will be emotionally significant, it can be used as an attachment tool.

But the love was 100% real at the time.  A borderline, someone with an unstable sense of self and an absolute need to attach to someone to feel whole, will feel whole, complete, and ecstatic at that point; they've finally found the perfect relationship.  Until it's not, and the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment will be present with any attachment.  And what a borderline means by 'I love you' and what you mean are probably very different things, but their version of love was 100% real for them at the time.

It also makes me wonder why this new guy would be so eager to say it back to her. Is it a sign that he is unhealthy as well, or just that he is intoxicated by the idealization phase?

A borderline in idealization mode can feel like a dream come true; we buy into the fantasy of the perfect union, that relationship we've been waiting for our whole lives, not hard to do because a borderline is really in that place to begin with, and if we're susceptible, lonely, or the whole thing reminds us, maybe subconsciously, of conditions from our past, we are likely to ignore red flags and jump in with both feet.  I did.  Now is susceptible unhealthy?  For each of us to decide, maybe we were just blindsided by mental illness, but think about this: if we had stayed completely emotionally grounded and in touch with our instincts, and not ignored any red flags, would we have stayed or would we have walked away right away?  Lots of growth digging there, and decisions to make about people we meet in the future, yes?

[Confused108]

My ex said it as soon as I feel into her trap about us dating as young teens. Long story. Meet at 12 feel in love at 14 mom broke us up . My ex did t take it well and her parents sent her to a mental hospital that diagnosed her as bipolar. When I tried getting back with her at 15 she was not the girl I loved anymore.  She wanted me then she didn't push / pull. I was young and had no idea what the heck was going on. Then she moved and I lost her.She was a different person all together. 26 years later she finds me on FB and sends me a message. I sat o. It bc I was so hurt by her as teens. When I accepted it she right away went into how my mom broke us up. I put her off talking about that for over 2 years on FB until last June 2015 I caved and decided to talk with her about it bc she would always bring it up when she sent me private messages. She told me she never stopped loving me blah blah. I fell for her bs and after a lot of push/ pull telling me bs lies that I found out after she dumped me. She did the same exact thing to me again that she pulled when we were teens. After my mom came btw us. I looked up Bipolar and her actions did not match her illnes. It came up BPD and I now believe she has been misdiagnosed. When I contacted her about this she blocked me on FB and said she was getting back with her ex husband that she literally just divorced last year. I am now painted black.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I first dated my BPDex 10 years ago when I lived in her country. We spoke online on and off for the next 10 years and recently saw eachother again. On the second day we were together she told me she loved me and had always loved me. After she had sucked me in, however, everything changed and I was discarded in a few weeks.

[Beacher]

I heard " I love you" 3 weeks into the relationship and"  I'm going to marry you" shortly after. As a grown woman I knew this was silly but 11 months later we were man and wife.

Also, the response to my being upset about his verbal abuse was always " I love you" over and over, not addressing the situation at all. So there you go.

[Confused108]

I first dated my BPDex 10 years ago when I lived in her country. We spoke online on and off for the next 10 years and recently saw eachother again. On the second day we were together she told me she loved me and had always loved me. After she had sucked me in, however, everything changed and I was discarded in a few weeks.

Yup! Same thing! My ex was like the girl I fell in love with as a teen. Seemed perfectly normal the whole 9. Once she hooked me she changed. Push/pull, testing me, projection, lies, . A real Dr. Jeckl & Mrs. Hyde for sure.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I first dated my BPDex 10 years ago when I lived in her country. We spoke online on and off for the next 10 years and recently saw eachother again. On the second day we were together she told me she loved me and had always loved me. After she had sucked me in, however, everything changed and I was discarded in a few weeks.

Yup! Same thing! My ex was like the girl I fell in love with as a teen. Seemed perfectly normal the whole 9. Once she hooked me she changed. Push/pull, testing me, projection, lies, . A real Dr. Jeckl & Mrs. Hyde for sure.

horrible. How long have you been out of the relationship? are you over it? if so, how did you move past the hurt?

[Confused108]

My ex was my 1st love. The love of my life. Now that I k ow what she is I will never fall for her BS again. She has since painted me black. Blocked me on FB.  To be honest I do t care how sick she is. I feel these ppl know exactly what they are doing and who they are doing it to. I know some of them recycle back and some never will. Now mine has recycled her ex lovers. Like having a barn full of horses. Just going along picking the next one she wants to ride. im over her in some ways. And working on the rest. If she were to ever show up again I. The future which I doubt no way in hell would I ever bother with her again.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

My ex was my 1st love. The love of my life. Now that I k ow what she is I will never fall for her BS again. She has since painted me black. Blocked me on FB.  To be honest I do t care how sick she is. I feel these ppl know exactly what they are doing and who they are doing it to. I know some of them recycle back and some never will. Now mine has recycled her ex lovers. Like having a barn full of horses. Just going along picking the next one she wants to ride. im over her in some ways. And working on the rest. If she were to ever show up again I. The future which I doubt no way in hell would I ever bother with her again.

Exactly the same with me. Painted me black, blocked me on facebook. First thing I saw before she blocked me was she refriended the ex (aka the morning after she kicked me out). I don't want her back, but man... I really wish I could screw her over somehow (Although I won't)... I feel so much anger and hurt towards her still... it's only been a few weeks here.

[Confused108]

My ex was my 1st love. The love of my life. Now that I k ow what she is I will never fall for her BS again. She has since painted me black. Blocked me on FB.  To be honest I do t care how sick she is. I feel these ppl know exactly what they are doing and who they are doing it to. I know some of them recycle back and some never will. Now mine has recycled her ex lovers. Like having a barn full of horses. Just going along picking the next one she wants to ride. im over her in some ways. And working on the rest. If she were to ever show up again I. The future which I doubt no way in hell would I ever bother with her again.

Exactly the same with me. Painted me black, blocked me on facebook. First thing I saw before she blocked me was she refriended the ex (aka the morning after she kicked me out). I don't want her back, but man... I really wish I could screw her over somehow (Although I won't)... I feel so much anger and hurt towards her still... it's only been a few weeks here.

holy crap you too? Mine had an ex of FB. She un friended him for me. Meanwhile I told her do what you want that's not my buisness. After she dumped me I found out she friended the "ex" boyfriend again. So you know what that means. She told me when she was trying to rope me in That this same ex raped her a year ago in her apt. She also told me she never reached an orgasm with him either. Cheated on her used her etc. I believe now these all to be lies. I also hear you on getting even with them. I was going to call her ex because I'm sure she is back with him again and tell him all the crap she said to me about him. I still haven't decided yet. I'm just pissed bc she sought me out. I never ran after her or anything. I really though she did love me and wanted another shot at our relationship. Nope just a lying sack of crap.

[Rmbrworst]

Just want to come here and share, that similar to other folks, he said he loved me about 1 month in.  I broke up with him soon after because I was upset about how things were going.

He begged and pleaded to have me back.  He said he couldn't imagine life without me and that he was dedicated to being my partner etc etc etc

12 hours later he dumped me for his ex.

I stupidly got back together with him a week later (he says he was going through stress that made him act this way blah blah). Anyway, 3 months later, he rages at me.  I told him his behavior is erratic and I fear he has a mental disorder like BPD or Narcissism.

After I say those words to him, he gets back with his ex boyfriend again, same day, blocks me on everything, and he will no longer communicate with me.

I've been painted black.

Glad it happened sooner than later.

Actions speak louder than words (my new mantra).

Much love to you all.  Stay strong , take care of #1. 

Yourself

[GreenEyedMonster]

Is the need for attachment of some borderlines so intense that they can go from zero feelings for somebody to loving them in a few days?

Yes.  An attachment for a borderline includes the fantasy that this latest person is perfect, ideal, and finally, after all these years and all that pain, this person, this attachment is going to make all that go away, and we'll ride off into the sunset with string music playing.  And also, if a borderline senses that saying "I love you" to an attachment will be emotionally significant, it can be used as an attachment tool.

My ex got engaged to a woman he had spoken to on instant messenger for 10 days.  He agreed to move across the country to be with her.  This included leaving his disabled dad in a nursing home and losing all the equity in his house.  Chew on that a second.

He never told me "I love you."  He has many narcissistic traits, and can't handle rejection.  He waited for me to say it first, and I never did.

Edit:  I forgot to mention.  The woman he got engaged to was still married.  Details, details.

[Mr. Magnet]

my therapist told me today that my ex has MINIMAL capacity to love and MINIMAL capacity to empathize

That's close to being a sociopath in my opinion.

also told me what I thought was love for ex was more like an "addiction to pain"

[Rmbrworst]

my therapist told me today that my ex has MINIMAL capacity to love and MINIMAL capacity to empathize

That's close to being a sociopath in my opinion.

also told me what I thought was love for ex was more like an "addiction to pain"

I once told my exBPD that the relationship had turned me into a masochist.

I know how you feel.

At least your therapist is giving you CONFIRMATION of this, and it may make it easier to move on.  It's so hard to hear, but the truth will set you (us) free.

[Confused108]

my therapist told me today that my ex has MINIMAL capacity to love and MINIMAL capacity to empathize

That's close to being a sociopath in my opinion.

also told me what I thought was love for ex was more like an "addiction to pain"

Funny you say this Mr. Magnet. I told this exact same thing to my ex. I felt she was some sort of sociopath. Literally the day before she ended our relationship she was telling me how much she loved me and was so happy for a second "shot" at our love. Ugh where do I go to throw up! After she dumped me and all of a sudden became this "other" person I said to her I felt that she was a sociopath and collects trophies like a serial killer does with his / her victims. I feel for a person to just shut off their feelings like nothing goes beyond abandonment issues. I feel sociopath tendencies are also linked with this disorder.

[borderdude]

oh yes, but it has nothing to do with you ... .they love to be in love ... .

[Schermarhorn]

I don't get a simply "I love you".

I got an, "I love you, and I want to marry you". Then days later I get a "contract" from her, stating that I "own" her.

Not even a red flag, more like a giant banner telling me to run away.

[Confused108]

oh yes, but it has nothing to do with you ... .they love to be in love ... .

I'd love to give them a kick where the sun don't shine! That's the love I want to share!

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

my therapist told me today that my ex has MINIMAL capacity to love and MINIMAL capacity to empathize

That's close to being a sociopath in my opinion.

also told me what I thought was love for ex was more like an "addiction to pain"

she was telling me how much she loved me and was so happy for a second "shot" at our love. Ugh where do I go to throw up!

Ah man... totally similar to me - she was all 'I want to make myself better for you. I want to be a better person for you. I don't want to ruin this. I'm not going to stuff this up.' (afew days later she kicked me the F out because she 'needed space'

pass me the bucket.

[Rmbrworst]

I don't get a simply "I love you".

I got an, "I love you, and I want to marry you". Then days later I get a "contract" from her, stating that I "own" her.

Not even a red flag, more like a giant banner telling me to run away.

LOL!

Not laughing AT you what so-ever, just laughing at the red flag comment.

I'm sure everyone here has ignored some crazy stuff.  I'm shocked I ignored as many red flags as I did really . . . .

[Confused108]

I don't get a simply "I love you".

I got an, "I love you, and I want to marry you". Then days later I get a "contract" from her, stating that I "own" her.

Not even a red flag, more like a giant banner telling me to run away.

LOL! Omg mine was always I need space/ time. It was like grow the F up. And meanwhile it was over just stupid things nothing major at all. And she would "test" me with ending this . Then when I chased her she came back . At the final discard she said to me oh you felt when I said I needed space and time you felt I was ending things when I wasn't! Lmfao oh hell yes you did bc I saved all the texts with her saying I need space and time and can't do this anymore  take care of you/ I'm not interested anymore. Jesh ya tho k that sounds like someone who wants a relationship with you ? Sick !

[Confused108]

I don't get a simply "I love you".

I got an, "I love you, and I want to marry you". Then days later I get a "contract" from her, stating that I "own" her.

Not even a red flag, more like a giant banner telling me to run away.

LOL!

Me too! I ignored a tom of them myself! I can just kick myself! Never again !

Yup same here! My gut would tell me there is something wrong with her. Bail ! And nope stupid me let my guard down and got kicked in the butt!

Not laughing AT you what so-ever, just laughing at the red flag comment.

I'm sure everyone here has ignored some crazy stuff.  I'm shocked I ignored as many red flags as I did really . . . .