oh the Christmas joy

[Marvis]

Merry Holidays to everyone. Just thought I'd come vent a bit. It's been a rough holiday season for us retail workers in my house. Both of us are exhausted. My uBPDbf has had some major insomnia going on for the past week which makes his illness a million times more magnified since his brain can't shut down and give his body rest. Constant  hypervigilance. We decided earlier this month to "boycott" Christmas. They have always been a source of depression for myself. I grew up in an alcoholic and in turn, neglectful house so I was relieved that he suggested this. I just am not feeling it and haven't for years. His family visits result in major dysregulation for at least a week after where I get painted black. We agreed to not do the family thing. We planned our own special dinner, just us and the kitty. Things were going well. Then yesterday he said we might go to his parents house depending on his  mood and he was trying to make me feel guilty for refusing to go to my family's Christmas. He said he'd drive me to my parents house but he won't  celebrate with us, etc. I held my ground, I've made up my mind and don't want to deal with the drunken catholic guilt trips (no offense meant to anyone  out there, this is my family not yours). This morning I wake up, eager to spend a much needed day off of relaxation with him, made my coffee, then he said I'm taking a nap and went to bed. This is my sign of a dysregulation beginning. He's shutting down. Now I don't know when to make the dinner he was going to help me cook (we planned on having some things I've never cooked before but he has) which will inevitably result in him screaming at me for not caring about him because I didn't make dinner on time. It happens every time and I don't know how to handle the situation. Any suggestions?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Haye]

Ouch. How did it turn out? I do know those situation where you feel doomed no matter what you do (or don't do)... .I think Christmas is heavy for everyone with any sort of mental problems (or alcoholic parents) or such. I hope it turned out well.

[waverider]

Xmas used to be a stressful time with us trying to appease the various family function requirements etc. Luckily in Australia its summer so now we have established a pattern of avoiding "family" Xmas altogether. We go away for holidays the week before Xmas, returning boxing day, avoid the last minute planning/shopping/ rushing around trying to appease everyone. Holiday destinations are deserted until bedlam descents on them on boxing day.

Dawn on xmas day saw me sliding my fishing kayak into the water at dawn, partner slept in, return at midday with bag full of fish to chuck on the bbq for xmas lunch and relax in the loungers listening to the surf crashing on the beach.

Extended families initially complained that we dont attend Xmas day functions. We have just made this our yearly routine and while they are all stressing and blowing smoke and mirrors at each other, we are just looking after us, and we catch up with the kids for after xmas dinners, far less stressful.

[Marvis]

Ouch. How did it turn out? I do know those situation where you feel doomed no matter what you do (or don't do)... .I think Christmas is heavy for everyone with any sort of mental problems (or alcoholic parents) or such. I hope it turned out well.

Feeling the doom still. He got up from his nap and I politely asked him when he'd like to help me with dinner, he responded with "well it's too late now. Maybe if I had emotional support from you in the last 24 hours I'd feel like helping." I just stood there with my mouth wide open, catching flies. I was flabbergasted to say the least at this comment. I ended up making leftover soup I had frozen a week ago. I had everything laid out on the table, told him dinner was ready, he grabbed everything and shut himself in our bedroom, which I'm not allowed in at the moment. Again, just sat there, mouth open in complete shock, forced myself to eat. I hate eating alone, he knows it. I like our dinner time to just enjoy each other and chat about the day. Never had that as a kid, I attempt to break that cycle I guess you could say. Happened again today too actually but at least he can't get mad at me for not cooking. I cook, I tell him it's ready, its his fault if he doesn't eat it or it gets cold. I'm pretty sure he's feeling some abandonment from his family. I am very sure he is projecting the perceived emotional abandonment. I know, in our good times, he apologizes for not being there for me enough and he hates that I have to do everything due to his terrible panic attacks. I just think this guilt is making him project it on to me cause hey, gotta blame someone. All I know is I'm staying out of his way for now. Kitty and I are holed up on the couch with our heating blanket, he's snoring loudly in a furry puddle at my feet, I'm alternating between research and solitaire. All is quiet for now. I'll take what I can get.