My husband of 3 months has BPD. What next?

[Nova165]

Hi

I just discovered my husband of 3 months has BPD. He hasn't been diagnosed by a professional yet but after reading lots of literature online, it looks like he has most of the symptoms.

We have been together for 2 years. Before we got married I noticed a few unusual personality traits, but I thought nothing of them. I thought perhaps it was the lack of knowledge about social norms. For example he would profusely thank someone over and over and over for something small they did. To the point that it would make the other person uncomfortable. Or he would idealize someone and think of them as the most amazing and smart person, only to assume the worst about them a few weeks later. He would spend money like there is no tomorrow. Binge eating. Being timid and fearful.

After our wedding the company he owns started having some problems. Emotionally he Fell apart! He had suicidal thoughts and he saw himself as not good enough. Sleepless nights followed by anxiety driven days. However it was almost like he was punishing himself by purposefully not sleeping. I do understand it's tough to run a company (I have my own) but he literally was paralyzed with fear and thoughts of suicide and nothing would get to him. The problem is he gets this way with normal life challenges. In the past few months it's been one thing or another that make him emotionally unstable, and gets him depressed.

I honestly don't know what to do. Sometimes he is the kindest, sweetest person (almost to a fault). I am a happy and positive person with a lot of friends. He has effected a few of my friendships with his way of being. Is there anything that can be done? His emotion

al roller coaster is starting to take it's toll on me. I want to have kinds and start a family but given the way he is , there is no way I will add to the complexities of the situation. Can BPD be cured or at least managed?

Any advice/insight is highly appreciated.

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[Crumbling]

 



Welcome to the site, Nova.  The information you will find on this site is super helpful in learning about BPD and what that means to a family. 

 

It sounds like a really difficult time in your home right now.  Is your husband open to getting therapy or another form of counselling?  Has he ever been to a therapist?

I don't know about diagnosing someone without professional help... .perhaps others on the site have more insight into that than I.  My BPD husband was diagnosed about a year ago when he started therapy, and the improvements in our relationship have meant everything. yet he refuses to take antidepressants, even tho he was also diagnosed with acute long term depression.  I say that to say it is certainly characteristic of pwBPD to not do the things they need to do to help them live better lives.

The sad but true answer to your question is that the symptoms of BPD will never go away.  They will always be a part of that person's life.  The symptoms are manageable, to a point, but only by the pwBPD.  You can help them be in a safe, open, loving environment that can nurture their healing, but a real heart-pull is needed within the pwBPD for things to get better.

My BPDh and I have been together ten years.  The first year was normal, the next few years were caught up in teenager rebellion and chaos.  Five years ago, he broke his sobriety of thirteen years, and everything went down hill from there.  The next four years were hell.  With the therapist's help and teaching himself mindfulness, things are better than they have ever been, but I would NOT say perfect.

Loving someone who has BPD is a tall order to fill.  One of the most difficult traits to live with is the pwBPD's inability to feel or express empathy, especially towards those they love.  It's next to impossible to get any type of support or validation from them - about your feelings, or things that effect you, the nonBPD partner.

That's about all I can share at this point.  My suggestion would be to see if he will seek out professional help, if that is an option for you, and I pray he is simply having a hard time with everything right now. 

Thanks for sharing, Nova.  This is certainly a family here, like the site name implies, a supportive family, and we welcome you.

c.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Nova, it's great to have you here!  It's sad to watch our partners struggle, while our relationships seem to be breaking down right before our eyes.

Can BPD be cured or at least managed?

Our relationships can definitely get better!  There is hope!

Loving someone who has BPD is a tall order to fill.  One of the most difficult traits to live with is the pwBPD's inability to feel or express empathy, especially towards those they love.  It's next to impossible to get any type of support or validation from them - about your feelings, or things that effect you, the nonBPD partner.

While it certainly can feel like this at times, I have found it NOT to be the case with my partner.  There are amazing tools found in the Lessons, Nova165.  When I detached from the pervasive behaviors, it opened up a whole new world for us, full of empathy, support and goodness

Give it time and hang in there... . You've come to the right place