New here, dealing with a divorce

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi there, after a year and a half of being married, I am separated and getting a divorce from someone who I suspect has BPD. He won't get treated or get a diagnosis... .but the symptoms are very clear to me after reading the books. He would qualify as high functioning BPD. I can go through the symptoms, but I don't need help with that.

Today the issue is: He's moved out, and now he's not willing to negotiate a simple divorce contract unless we "talk." He has offered to have a third party present at the talk. But my lawyer doesn't think this will be productive. He thinks it will get emotional, and the push/pull cycles will happen again more intensely, and he'll think there was "progress" made. Then he'll want a second visit, ... .etc. I don't think meeting will help either. My lawyer recommends calling his bluff. Meaning, tell my BPD ex's lawyer that "Perhaps time will heal wounds, and he will want to negotiate eventually, we look forward to hearing from him... ."

This is essentially calling his bluff. Has anyone done this and has it worked?

[DerekLa]

Hi there, after a year and a half of being married, I am separated and getting a divorce from someone who I suspect has BPD. He won't get treated or get a diagnosis... .but the symptoms are very clear to me after reading the books. He would qualify as high functioning BPD. I can go through the symptoms, but I don't need help with that.

Today the issue is: He's moved out, and now he's not willing to negotiate a simple divorce contract unless we "talk." He has offered to have a third party present at the talk. But my lawyer doesn't think this will be productive. He thinks it will get emotional, and the push/pull cycles will happen again more intensely, and he'll think there was "progress" made. Then he'll want a second visit, ... .etc. I don't think meeting will help either. My lawyer recommends calling his bluff. Meaning, tell my BPD ex's lawyer that "Perhaps time will heal wounds, and he will want to negotiate eventually, we look forward to hearing from him... ."

This is essentially calling his bluff. Has anyone done this and has it worked?

[ForeverDad]

He won't get treated or get a diagnosis... .but the symptoms are very clear to me after reading the books.

This is essentially calling his bluff. Has anyone done this and has it worked?

He is an adult and he has a right to live his life his way, it is not uncommon for a person with deep issues to refuse to address them - Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  However, your reciprocal right is not to have to stay involved with him or his life.

Calling his bluff... .how about let's refer to it as "setting a boundary"?  And of course people with an acting-out PD such as BPD don't like boundaries and try to trample them or have an 'extinction burst' trying to get you to retreat from your boundaries.  If you feel this is a good boundary for you, then it sounds appropriate.

Short marriage and no children from the union?  Then it's all about determining what are the marital (or joint) assets and debts, and then how to split them.

If there are joint credit cards, then get them paid off and close the accounts.  (Joint could be particularly difficult to manage since one can ask the account to be suspended and the other can just call up and might be able to get it reactivated.)

Other cards are under the account holder's full control, if your spouse is a card holder on your accounts you can close out his cards.  And he can do the same to you.

Yes, do try to steer clear of the emotional wrangling and maneuvers.  Of short duration and without children, this unwinding can and should largely be handled in a businesslike manner.

Are there any joint assets, joint debts or other issues?  Pets?  Vehicles?  House or leases?  (That he moved out makes it less likely he will hold your residence for emotional ransom or leverage.)

[livednlearned]

Your H wants to stay negatively engaged, which to him prolongs the abandonment. I remember reading a phrase that Bill Eddy wrote (author of Splitting: Divorcing an NPD/BPD Spouse) somewhere that went something like people with BPD create "frantic efforts to avoid abandonment" and then engage in behaviors that cause people to want to abandon them.

Do you feel comfortable letting your L be the one to communicate? I found with my ex that being bland and neutral as possible was best for everyone. That meant letting my L respond to emails, at least in the beginning. Many people exiting BPD marriages need to take a long time to emotionally detach, and don't accomplish this for years. But the sooner you can disengage, even if it's initially by communicating through your L, the better.

I also found it was important to be unbending about timelines -- so no continuances. You may not be able to push things faster than the court timeline allows, but at the very least, don't relax on deadlines unless you have leverage somewhere else. These divorces can drag on a long time when one party doesn't want to let the other go.

If you don't have kids, things will be fairly straightforward. The worst cases center around custody and family court has a terrible track record of establishing what's going on. Everything else is mainly the end of a business contract. Although, the same things that made the marriage difficult tend to make the divorce difficult. If you own a house or joint property together, that can be a headache.