Do you ever feel like your child will never even come close to... ?

[BioAdoptMom3]

Do you ever feel like your bright and talented kids (and I know most are) will never even get close to reaching their potential?  Tonight DH and I were chatting about DD14's incredible musical and athletic ability and feeling so sad that her emotional instability gets in the way of her accomplishing anything major.  She played a college level piece of music on her oboe in church at age 13 but gave up band because she wanted to be in ROTC.  She can look at an unfamiliar piece of music and sing it accurately on the first try.  She has dreams of X-Factor someday, but I know she won't be able to take the potential, and likely, rejection so she'll give up before reaching that point.  In 9th grade she has a team of local college coaches watching her in softball already, yet she quit the softball class one has to be accepted into and enrolled in just to be able to try out for the HS team!  She quit because she "didn't like the coach".  It is hard to make her stick with some of these things because she makes life MISERABLE for all of us when she is unhappy.  Can anyone else relate?  Suggestions?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

bio

My daughter is a good athlete too but now dose not participate in any sports... .she had a poor attitude with many coaches... just couldn't get a long. Her anxiety made things hard for her. I am a bit sad for her but I realize she is just not able to cope when it comes to group sports. I hope is time she will try to be a part of something at her school but I am not holding my breath.

I think what you need to do is let go of is your vision of what your dd's life would look like. That is is hard to do but I think they can sense your dissappointment. I don't think I am setting the bar low for my daughter but as they get older they need to take responsiblity for their future. My older daughter swims and is at college on scholarship... .that is a big shadow my dd lives in and her fear to compete is understandable. It is her choice and that is where I leave it.

[griz]

jellibeans:  such good advice.  My DD has so many talents and unfortunetly her anxiety and depressions can stand in her way alot.  I remember in the beginning I was fighting the fight until I realzied that I had to, as you say, Let go of my vision.  I think it is natural for all of us to have a vision for the life our children (all our children, BPD or not) will have.  We want the best for them. However once I realized that I had to let go of my idea of the right path and let DD find her own path, it made it so much better.  I wasn't dissapointed and she didn't feel like she was letting me down.  This takes so much pressure off DD and she knows that when she needs or wants help... .I'll be there.

Griz

[cwhickman]

I struggle with this daily. Daily, I force my daughter to get out of bed. Daily, I tell her she has to go to class to get her high school diploma. Daily, she tells me she can't do anything. That she has lost all of the few friends she has because they don't understand what she endures every hour she is awake. Daily, I cry, because my heart aches for her and I know she will probably not be able to do all the things she wanted to do with her life. Today I am going to let go and let her determine her destiny, even if it is not what I want for her. It's hard, but I have to do it. It's time to do it. I am so glad I finally joined this community. It's comforting to know I am not alone in this battle.

[MammaMia]

Oh yes... the negativity, the failures, the predicted failures, the need to be consoled constantly about the fact that we understand they are doing the best they can.  This is also my dBPDs.

He is so talented and handsome.  He has so many dreams for the future, but his fear of failure stops him dead in his tracks.  If I suggest he pursue any of his goals, he initially gets excited and then always reverts back to explaining how no one understands what it is like to live with his disorder... .the self-blame, self-criticism, self-pity, and anger all return.  The "I wish I could" list is endless.  He often tells me, if he could only do x,y,or z, he believes he would be viewed as "normal" by others.  Yes, it is heartbreaking.

I have learned to be supportive and to let him decide what he is capable of.  

I do not push him beyond his comfort zone because it just results in his assumption that I am disappointed in him and/or setting him up to fail.  

This is such a hard place to be.  We want the best for our children and their futures but we must recognize that pwBPD have limits emotionally and physically.

They need support and guidance to accomplish what they can.  

This is the nature of BPD and we have to accept it.

[almostvegan]

"What a waste" is what I think often. My 17 d is really bright. Gifted really. School hide nice counselors suggested we send her Ivy League. Now I wonder if shell even be able to get through a 2 year community college. This illness has robbed her of not just health, but also a potentially promising future. She's homeschooling online bc she couldn't handle regular school. She should be in second semester of senior year and we've only just signed her up for first. She's so far behind her peers. She had the potential to SOAR. Now I wonder if she will even ever crawl.

Heartbreaking. Frustrating. Angering.