Plan A or Plan B or Plan C

[debyt]

Plan A: get him in counseling and try to save marriage... .I have gotten my BPD Hubby to go to counseling but I know it won't last.

[debyt]

Plan B: Leave after I get him there... .

Now Plan C: Leave after May next year because I don't have enough funds to go now.

How do I get to next May? Pray and try not to loose my mind and my health? He wears me out with the psychological discussions or why I don't want sex, won't talk to him, hate him so much, won't be close, won't give him his love language of touch, etc.  If I tell him how I feel, I hurt his inner child, If I don't I hurt mine. I HATE BPD... .I WANT MY FRIEND, MY SOUL MATE, BACK!

I can't have him back because he was never mine to begin with.  Do I just fake it till I make it and leave next year even if I am not ready for the pain? 

[Infern0]

What is happening in may next year?

No offense but you need to calm down.  Apologies for my bluntness buy it's how I am.

Breathe in,  you do have some control here.  OK so what are you asking here,  you seem incredibly distraught and I feel for you.

Is it possible for you to get a breather,  a few days to get your thoughts straight?

[crookedeuphoria]

I agree with Infern0. Take a deep breath. You do have some control. I don't know your story, how long you have been in this r/s, exactly why you want out. May isn't that far off so if you have to wait until then, so be it, you have made it through worse (I would imagine)... .but why May?

[Blimblam]

Debyt,

I can sense your confusion and anxiety.

I have been there and it is confusing. From what you are saying I think your limbic system is having a stress response and is on high alert.  Please listen to your body going further down this road will increase the truama. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I suggest seeing the T alone and figuring out a plan for yourself. Your body is telling you you are in danger and I think you are statin to get a feel for why?  You are not alone please be gentle to yourself. Take care of you.

[Tibbles]

Hi debyt

I totally get wanting to get your soul mate back, but that is not going to happen for any of us. The illness is there to stay. It's a really hard place you are in. You say you have got your H to counselling, what about yourself? When in such a stressful place it really helps to get an outside, non bias input into your options. That might be a place for you to start.

It might not feel like it but you do have options and control over which way you go. Take care.

[debyt]

It has been 14 years since I realized something was terribly wrong with him.  He had a melt down in our living room after we were married only a month.  Now after all these hard years I want to leave. I want him to leave. But neither will because of the kids.

October is the oldest boy's birthday.

November and December is holiday time.

January - May is my business busy months and moving is impossible because I own two tax offices and have 5 employees and 400 tax clients plus payroll and accounting to process. 

I can't deal with the stress of this during tax season.  That is why I have to wait until next year to really get started on any kind of divorce plan.

I go to therapy by myself and he goes to the same T for his own session.  I can't get him to go unless it's after hours because he honestly thinks he doesn't have a problem.  He has all hallmarks of BPD: Abandonment fears, splitting, Idealization/Devaluation, Self Image/emptiness (huge), Dystemia Depression/Anxiety, Self Harm (cuts hair constantly, alcohol, sex, which he has to have 5 days a week and I am not exaggerating), suicidal thoughts (but says he won't do that because of the boys), Unstable emotions (intense feelings of anger or love), rages over the smallest of issues, and disassociation (talked like he was 8 yrs old and I had to call 911 to make him get out of the tub.  He snapped out of it when he realized there were strangers in the house.)

I can't get him to go to a psychiatrist so I got him to go to a Christian counselor.

Plan C seems to be to take care of me and try to let it all slide off my duck feathers.  It is so hard. 

All I know is I can't fix him and that is the grief I suffer with.   I know that even with counseling he will not be fixed.  I don't want to wait.  On the other hand, I have to deal with him until I die because of the boys.  I never wanted to be a divorced mom.  I know how hateful he can be and I do not look forward to the time when we officially separate and then divorce.  I also know how much he loves the boys and how much he will fight me when it comes to them.

Oh, by the way, I have lost a kidney and I am pretty sure that is due to vitamins he wanted me to take to help me loose weight (I am a size 10) which caused a kidney infection.  (devaluation/idealization)  There is always something that's not good enough for him.

sorry to ramble... .counseling just confirms that I am more with it that I give myself credit.

oh, another thing: he has split on his employer and now is looking to change jobs again. He does this about every 2 yrs.  Yeh I  know this is the norm for employees in the society we live in but it's the behavior/reasons why that really bug me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey debyt,

Ramble on.  I have been in your shoes, my friend, and have two children with my BPDxW.  Many of the arguments you are making are ones that I made myself.  The sad reality is that, in most cases, it doesn't get better in a BPD r/s and, in fact, can get significantly worse as time marches on.  I should know, having been married to my BPDxW for 16 years.  I am a loyal person and swore to myself, for the sake of our children, that I would never get divorced.  Yet for me marriage to a pwBPD was like running in quicksand; I never made any significant progress even after putting in a tremendous amount of effort.

Only you know what is right for you.  I will suggest, though, that there is no "good time" to part ways.  Postponing the process until May might only make it that much harder for you. 

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[OutOfEgypt]

have you thought of getting him to leave by legal means?

[debyt]

I have considered legal... .if you want a FIGHT that would do it.

The T called today and suggested that we consider personality testing to give him a leg up on what we are dealing with.  The Univ. of MO offers it and we are tying to get an appt.  Told hubby about it and the whole thing looked like on his face that he knew I was trying to have him committed... .He wanted to know why I thought we needed to do this.  I explained that the T has the premarital couples to do this and it helps him to know what he is dealing with besides what we are telling him.

He says I can't love him like he needs to be loved... .touchy and sexually... .(thus the sexual addiction/self harm).  He wanted to know what we were going to do about the sexual relations of us as husband and wife.  I compromised... .sold myself out, really... .and said "how about this: days we get along and don't fight we make love... .days we are not good to each other we don't" ... .he agreed.

I told him that if he couldn't see that I loved him by the things I do for him (which is EVERYTHING including washing his back... .)then he would never understand.  I have tried to give him his love language of touch but it is never enough and sex 5 days a week wouldn't be either.

He asked tonight if we should just separate.  I told him NO if we can get help.  (Help for him.)  He said we owe it to the boys to tell them and not "spring" it on them... .like they don't know what is going on... .kids are really smart.  He actually told me I have an intimacy problem... .yeh, duh... .?... .because of him!  But of course I cant tell him that because that would cause a fight or make him "fee" bad... .I am so tired to placating him.  (rolling my eyes)  I really do want to try and get him help but I don't think he wants it.  He just wants to replace me for some young, sexy, skinny, innocent fool who is codependent... .! oh, yeh, that was me... .14 yrs ago.

[ugghh]

Debyt,

Stay in therapy, it sounds like it is helping you. I was married for 26 years to uBPDw (divorced finalized about 3 weeks after our anniversary) and I always had reasons to stay - for the kids, because I can handle it, because I was afraid of the unknown, new job, etc.  About 2 1/2 years ago my then 19 year old daughter called me at work every day for weeks to nag me to get counselor for myself.  Finally I did and then spent about 18 months getting my self sorted back out and realizing what a good person and father I was. 

I proudly walked into my counselor's office and announced that I understood that divorce was the only option, but I thought it would take another 18 months for me to work up the organization and fortitude to actually push forward.  About 30 days later ex and I were eating dinner out and I realized I had to leave.  Not one more day.  I told we needed to talk when we got home and I basically said I am done, I do not feel this will ever be able to be worked out.  I moved out that same night and haven't looked back.  That was 3 weeks before Christmas.

I relay my story because I empathize with your sense of it not being the right time.  The reality is that divorce is messy and it sucks  whenever you do it.  As divorcing pwBPD goes, I got off lucky - it was filed in January and wrapped up by July.  More typically you are going to spend one to two years from start to finish. 

If it is time to act, it is time to act - trust yourself and your network of family and friends.

I took my kids and went to visit my family out of town that we had not seen in years because of the all consuming need for the uBPDw to maintain control or make everyone else miserable.  They had a fabulous time re-establishing relationships with cousins they have not seen in years.  It was one of the most enjoyable, peaceful holidays in years.

Ask yourself - are the holidays really that special when you BPD is around?  Do you cringe waiting for the next tantrum or explosion?

Oh, by the way, I have lost a kidney and I am pretty sure that is due to vitamins he wanted me to take to help me loose weight (I am a size 10) which caused a kidney infection.  (devaluation/idealization)  There is always something that's not good enough for him.

  Picture a stranger saying that to you - what would you tell them to do?

[Lucky Jim]

But of course I cant tell him that because that would cause a fight or make him "fee" bad... .I am so tired to placating him.  (rolling my eyes) 

Hey debyt, That's a pretty fair description of what "walking on eggshells" is like.  We've all been there, and suffice to say it goes with the territory in a r/s with a pwBPD.  You seem pretty focused on getting "help" for your H.  Yet Are you getting the help that you require?  Maybe it would be worth it to see a T who is not treating your H as well as you?  It's easy to make the pwBPD the center of one's attention, because it's usually pretty obvious that the pwBPD has emotional problems.  Yet when are you going to make yourself the priority?

That's a hard question, I know, but worth thinking about.

LuckyJim

[debyt]

Thanks everyone for your support!  I need it!

I am focusing on me too.  I try to take small steps.  I focus on God leading me and telling the devil to stay out of my mind, his mind and our relationship.  I guess I am really just trying to say "I've tried everything."  I know I will be blamed for the failed marriage no matter what but I have to have a clear conscience for my well being. 

Right now my peace is in Phillipians: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If I am doing what God would have me to do then I can go forward until I hit the final brick wall.  I have lots of steps.