So, this is my first post
i'd like to say hello.
As mentioned in my intro, i'm in a 4yr relationship, engaged. We're both 23yrs old, working full time. He's in a factory and I work in customer service. We've had a rocky relationship and after 2yrs we had split for 2months due to my crazyness getting too him. We didnt understand it and he didnt know how to deal/cope with it. Didnt help his mum offered him no support and kept telling him to leave me and I wasnt good enough for him. Back then we weren't working so it was harder and we lived together so on top of eachother day and night.
I suffer severe paranoia and after he left for the 2months, I also developed panic attacks. I have to know he's safe at all times, worry he's been hurt if he doesnt answer my calls or isnt home on time. I also worry he'll find someone else that is more worth it. I trust him not to cheat but somehow I cant get the feeling out of my head that it might happen and that he'll leave me for another woman. I've had therapy and it has relieved some of this, but not as much as I hoped. At least the panic attacks are less.
At first he wouldnt support me. He'd play along with texting me or calling to let me know he was ok, but hated that i'd keep calling until he answered if he forgot. Or i'd spend the day panicking if he didnt answer (eg if he was in college/work and could no longer reach the phone) until i could finally get through. I tried to back this off a bit when his mum snapped at him about it. I still panicked but tried to hide it from him.
When he'd left, I was in meltdown mode. Couldnt go out, couldnt breath, couldnt eat. I was violently sick several times a week through panic and fear that i'd never see him again. My friends couldnt get close because I didnt want their comfort, I only wanted him. Too this day I always prefer his company to anyone else.
When I had therapy and had gotten back together with him, we realised his mum played a hand in him leaving, but also that we both needed to work together for me to overcome these emotions. I told him that if he texts to say he's safe, it actually helps me for next time. Sometimes I get random panic/anxiety for no reason and I just HAVE to know he's ok to ease my mind, even if im not originally panicking about him the anxiety MAKES me panic about him. If he doesnt answer my messages, I get annoyed and snap at him. At least he does understand now why I do it, but it drives me mental that he still refuses to text back. I'm not sure if its his way of saying "look, I didnt answer you, but im safe so next time dont panic". Whatever it is, I hate it because it doesnt help. I've learnt to accept it, but it means I can spend several days a week feeling physically ill at work because I never got a text to say he's ok.
I also worry about head injuries after my mum died from one. He wears a helmet when riding to work/back on his mountain bike, but naturally these only provide some support. I frequently panic he's been involved in a cyclist accident. Im still thinking about making a "in case of emergancy" card for him to keep in his pocket, since that way if anything did happen, someone would be able to call me ASAP not have me waiting hours to find out.
I hate going out alone, although this is a lot less then it used to be. If he's at work I dont mind going out, but when he's home i'd rather be spending my time in the same room as him or doing something together. If he chooses to go out, I dont mind that. He's been out with work friends a few times now and amazingly, I didnt text him when he was out, although I did worry (maybe because I deliberately had a few drinks of my own in the house to block it all out).
Some wonder how we've stayed together for so long. Ive briefly read some of your posts in here and some sound familiar. Partners struggle with money, arguing over little things, they make you feel like your doing all the work... . etc etc. I find myself cooking, cleaning, washing etc. We both work around 40hrs a week, although his is now 48hrs. I ask little things like putting rubbish out or change cat litter trays when he gets home or even to get/put washing out. I come home and find that that hasnt been done. ONE maybe TWO little things and he cant do them. Comes home and sits straight on his computer. Even I have learnt to put down a game or pause a video to go and tidy. He just cant seem to do that. Again something i've had to learn to accept, but still hate and still snap at him for. Its probably the cause of most our arguments.
We also suffer money issues. He's been the bread winner for the last few months, but now my wage has finally gone up from apprentice wage. It used to worry me that he'd leave purely because our money was drained by my debt and the bills. He keeps assuring me that although he does hate it sometimes, he'd never leave me over it. We're almost free now, probs another 2 months time and then we can start saving and having what we want.
anyway, enough rambling from me, just wanted to say that it is possible to cope in a rocky relationship, but you have to show the partner why the little things matter. Else, if you love them and realise that no matter how much you ask they wont do, you'll have to try and accept as best as you can. It will still have the arguments, but again you need to try and divert the argument before it gets too far.
