Probably co-dependant

[1minuteatatime]

My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago.   I'm pretty sure that I am co-dependant.  At first,  I handled things well.  She blamed most of her problems on others.  I reminded her often that I wasn't perfect.  Like making sure that she knew I was not a good husband in my previous marriage.   That I fought with my ex constantly.  Even in front of the kids.   She would mention that if I did certain things, she would break up with me.  One time,  I joked about eating a bug(a gnat of some kind)  She said "if you eat bugs, I am breaking up with you".  I said she might as well break up with me right then.  That I was a bug eater.

I shared very intimate details and the painful pieces of my life.   Like losing my dad to suicide over a decade ago.   The most painful thing in my life.   She told me early on that she would accept me for who I am.   I kept decent boundaries until the last 6 weeks.   When I started spending more time with her, she pulled back and displayed dis-satisfaction with most of my behavior.   

She seemed to have significant crises each week.   We only saw each other every other week when she didn't have the kids.   I told her that I cared about her and that once I care about someone,  I don't ever not care about them.  During the last 6 weeks,  I started acting more needy.  When she asked me to come over,  I would.   If she asked for space,  done. 

A little over a week before she broke it off with me, she had another work cisis.  She called and wanted to talk.  I was on my way to meet friends.  It was on the week we normally don't see each other.   She arranged to have her kids taken care of by her mom.  I offered to call help back in 5 minutes or that she could meet up with me at the pub I was meeting friends.   She said that it was ok.  That she would work out.  Then she sent me a text saying that she wished I would have chosen her over my friends.   I tried to call, but she sent me to voice mail.   I texted her and said that she could meet up with me.  She said "Your time is the most important thing to you".  I didn't respond to that text. 

When she broke up with me,  she said that she needed someone who put her above everything.   That she needed total enmeshment.   That she was breaking up with me because I would "hurt her".  The only communication since the breakup was an email I drafted but never sent until the day of the break up.  It basically said that I was here for her in certain situations.   That I would drop everything if her friend had died but not for a terrible day at work.   That I was available by phone or she could meet up with me where I was.   

I then responded to her asking for something she knew was at her place (a spare car key) the next day.  It will be a month today since I last communicated with her.  She only has one thing of mine and I don't need it.  She sent an email with the item in the subject line.   I have not read the email since I don't need the item.  She dropped off all the rest of my stuff at my place.  I also dropped off her stuft the day after the break up.   She didn't need to email me about the item.  She knows she can drop it off m.

I'm not sure what she wants,  but I packed up all memories of her in a box.  Move all her pics to a folder except for one,  and generally avoid looking at anything related to her.  I feel ok, now.  At the end, I didn't sleep well with her.  I let myself get anxious.  Etc, etc.  I'm not sure she has BPD but I am pretty sure my ex wife is.  Just not sure what I want to do when she reaches out to talk.  I am pretty sure that she will.

She lied about being divorced in September to protect herself.   Lied about being married before, too.  She is on her second marriage.

  She still isn't divorced,  still separated.  We started seeing each other during her separation while still living with her husband.  She broke up with me the day before her wedding anniversary.  She is back on the dating website that we met on.  She changed her profile and has several references to our 10 month relationship in that profile.  She looked at my profile

  I typically look at people who have visited mine.  I wasn't sure it was hers until I pulled it up.   I'm not sure what I want to do at this point. I'm pretty sure that she broke up with me because I didn't establish good boundaries,  not because of fear that I would damage her emotionally. Thoughts?

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[livednlearned]

Hi 1minuteatatime,

My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. 

Sorry to hear that. How long were you together?

I shared very intimate details and the painful pieces of my life.   Like losing my dad to suicide over a decade ago.   The most painful thing in my life.

That is not a loss easily grieved.  :'( Do you have family support, or friends/therapist that have supported you, helping you with the grief?

She told me early on that she would accept me for who I am.   I kept decent boundaries until the last 6 weeks.   When I started spending more time with her, she pulled back and displayed dis-satisfaction with most of my behavior.

 

Can you say more about what you mean by decent boundaries? Do you mean saying no to her, or do you mean not spending as much time together? 

It sounds like she wanted you to have no boundaries, and when you spent more time with her, she became critical of you. And then she broke up with you because you didn't establish good boundaries?

When she broke up with me,  she said that she needed someone who put her above everything.   That she needed total enmeshment.

 

I'm pretty sure that she broke up with me because I didn't establish good boundaries,  not because of fear that I would damage her emotionally. Thoughts?

I can understand why you feel unsure what to do when/if she reaches out to talk. What qualities does she have in common with your BPD ex wife?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 1minute,

Don't beat yourself up.  It sounds like you have a sense of humor, if you are a bug eater!  If you have enough self-awareness to question whether you may have codependent tendencies (don't we all?), then you have the skills to overcome those tendencies.  Awareness of the issue is everything.  For a long time, I was swinging in the dark.  The next step is taking responsibility for it and working on the necessary changes.

Since you are here on the Saving Board, I assume that you are hoping to salvage your previous r/s.  Is that what you want to see happen?  You seem a little ambivalent.  Also, what makes you think that your former GF has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[1minuteatatime]

Sorry to hear that. How long were you together?   

We started seeing each other in late January.  Almost 10 months.

Quote from: 1minuteatatime on December 15, 2015, 12:33:35 AM

I shared very intimate details and the painful pieces of my life.   Like losing my dad to suicide over a decade ago.   The most painful thing in my life.

That is not a loss easily grieved.  cry Do you have family support, or friends/therapist that have supported you, helping you with the grief? Now that I am divorced, I realize my ex didn't support me.  I have my brother to relate with.  It's painful often.



Quote from: 1minuteatatime on December 15, 2015, 12:33:35 AM

She told me early on that she would accept me for who I am.   I kept decent boundaries until the last 6 weeks.   When I started spending more time with her, she pulled back and displayed dis-satisfaction with most of my behavior.

 

Can you say more about what you mean by decent boundaries? Do you mean saying no to her, or do you mean not spending as much time together? I mean saying "no" to her like I did when she wanted alone time at the drop of a hat.  I said no and she said "ok" but then was very upset.  Letting her dictate what we do, etc.

It sounds like she wanted you to have no boundaries, and when you spent more time with her, she became critical of you. And then she broke up with you because you didn't establish good boundaries? In my opinion, that is why she broke up with me.  She said it was because we were not compatible.  She said that it was because I wouldn't have an all consuming love... .  with self reflection, I think it is B.S.  I think it was my lack of boundaries in the last 6 weeks.

Quote from: 1minuteatatime on December 15, 2015, 12:33:35 AM

When she broke up with me,  she said that she needed someone who put her above everything.   That she needed total enmeshment.


Quote from: 1minuteatatime on December 15, 2015, 12:33:35 AM

I'm pretty sure that she broke up with me because I didn't establish good boundaries,  not because of fear that I would damage her emotionally. Thoughts?

I can understand why you feel unsure what to do when/if she reaches out to talk. What qualities does she have in common with your BPD ex wife?  Anger at the drop of a hat for small things.  Lying about big things(she is not divorced)  total fear of abandonment.  Excessive jealousy that is completely unfounded.

[1minuteatatime]

Hey 1minute,

Don't beat yourself up.  It sounds like you have a sense of humor, if you are a bug eater!  If you have enough self-awareness to question whether you may have codependent tendencies (don't we all?), then you have the skills to overcome those tendencies.  Awareness of the issue is everything.  For a long time, I was swinging in the dark.  The next step is taking responsibility for it and working on the necessary changes.

Since you are here on the Saving Board, I assume that you are hoping to salvage your previous r/s.  Is that what you want to see happen?  You seem a little ambivalent.  Also, what makes you think that your former GF has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

I do want to salvage it but failed miserably over the weekend.  She showed up unexpectedly on Christmas night.  I immediately tried to get in her pants(she was all made up and I showed co-dependency thinking she wanted me to) and she took off.  Texted me twenty minutes later.  We re-connected the next day(I refused to fight over the phone or text on Christmas) and she left saying that we were going around and around.  :)uring that conversation, I told her I was open to reconciling(I have never reconciled with a former girlfriend).  On 12/27(yesterday) I sent her a text saying that she was probably correct that we were probably not compatible and she immediately called me.  I didn't take her call because I was upset at the moment I sent the text.  She sent me a whole bunch of texts back telling me that I was upsetting her and I was "messed up"(I am).  I admitted that we were both messed up.  She asked if I wanted to know if she was open to reconciling.  I said that I wanted to know.  At the end of 1 1/2 hrs of texting, she said that she was not open to reconciling.  at one point in the texting, she sent ten or so texts in a row and said "is this what you want, me blowing up your phone?"  I said that she was not blowing up my phone.

At the end of her saying that she was not willing to reconcile I tried to call her.  She said she was "done" and I said ok and hung up.  She was talking as I hung up(not done on purpose).  She texted me and said to never call or text her again.  That she wouldn't respond.  I have confided in my uncle with all of this.  He says that she will contact me in 1-3 weeks.  He says that the way we are with each other, he is sure of it.  I will not reach out to her first.  I sent one last text saying that I will remember the good times and that I wish her well.

I really want to know if y'all think she will reach out again to me.  I am certain that she has BPD but she is actively working on it.

I may have triggered her by texting that she was likely right, that we were not compatible.  I admit I wanted a response(or no response meaning we were done)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 1minuteatatime,

I suggest you do nothing.  Just sit with your feelings and observe, without the need to take any action.  To me, these types of interactions -- frantic texting for hours, calls unanswered, showing up unexpectedly -- are unhealthy communications and constitute a red flag.   

On some level, you probably know this already, but you're allowing yourself to get swept up in the craziness.  It's time to get off the roller coaster, in my view.  When and if you're ready, you can choose to get back on if it is the right thing for you.  But right now, I suggest a timeout.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but I suggest that the only way to save the r/s is to give up trying to control the outcome.

Suggest you focus on being kind to yourself.  Take a walk.  Take deep breaths.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim

[1minuteatatime]

Thanks LuckyJim.  I will remember that advice as I go through the next weeks(and possibly months)  It took me about a month to get some peace the first time.  Probably another month before I start getting back to normal(not wondering if she would text, call constantly)  I really care about her.  We both are admittedly "messed up".  She says that she doesn't think I will "fight" for her.  I am willing to fight for her.  She may not like everything that I do and I may not like everything she does but I do accept her.  Just not some of the behaviors. 

She chased me in the beginning and at the end.  she knows I care but she seems to want total enmeshment.  I fear that.  But I fear her abandoning me, too.  I want the best for her, though.  If that means it isn't me, so be it.

I know that I have no control on an intuitive level.  I just hope she reaches out again.  No expectations, though.