New here. In a relationship with a possible BPD

[Molls]

Hello everyone.

I guess I'll start off by giving some background information.

I'm in a relationship with someone who I strongly believe has BPD. I've done a tremendous amount of research on the disorder online and I've read several books about it. My boyfriend fits every single description of it, besides violent outbursts. Whenever I read anything, I'm always saying to myself "that's totally my bf!"

I know I'm in no position to make an actual diagnosis, but at the same time... .I have no doubt that he is borderline.

bf knows he has some sort of issue in himself and we have spoken about him going to therapy soon, which he has agreed to. I can't say hes excited about it. The only reason he is going to do it is because I told him that's the only way I will stay in a relationship with him, and he said he is willing to do whatever it takes to save the relationship. I have a lot of my own feelings about that which I guess I will get into at a later time.

I brought up to him once recently that I believe he has borderline, and he nervously laughed and said he thought the same thing. He has no idea yet that I've done all this research on it though, just to learn about the disorder, learn about him, learn how to effectively communicate with him (which is currently a work in progress). I guess I'm waiting for the right time to mention it without him having an outburst. But I also want him to know I love him and I'm willing to do all of this to help both him and us.

Not really sure what I'm looking to gain from this post. Maybe just general support? Not a lot of my friends would understand me being willing to tolerate a lot of his behavior, but I think people here would understand it.

Thanks in advance for any of your responses.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[macarena]

Hi and welcome!

I haven’t been here for long but still, I can relate to things you are telling. The same happened to me in that I started reading on BPD and many things rang true with relation to my person (who at least has some traits). And I know how hard it can be to talk with some friends because many just say well, that’s not right, just leave, you can do better.

It’s honorable and brave of him that he is able to recognize he has an issue and is ready to go to a therapist.

What are some of the things or behaviors that you are struggling in the day-yo-day of your relationship? How do you manage/ handle them?

[livednlearned]

Hi,

What is the relationship dynamic or behavior you are finding most challenging?

How long have you two been together?

Like macarena mentioned, it's brave of him to agree to see a therapist and to even be receptive to the possibility he could be BPD. That must've taken a lot of courage to allow himself to be that vulnerable.

[Radcliff]

That's great news that he is willing to consider therapy.  I would strongly advise against revealing to him the extent of the homework you've done.  Think of yourself like a calm duck on top of the water, with legs paddling underneath out of sight.  Our pwBPD tend to have strong reactions when we discuss the disorder out in the open with them, and even if things go OK at first, an eventual blowup can make it tougher for them to reach out for help later.

One of the best ways to use this site is for support in learning the coping tools.  There are many skills you can learn here that will make things better.  Have you come across any of the coping strategies for partners in your reading?  If so, which caught your eye as being potentially of use in your situation?

RC

[Molls]

Hi livednlearned, thank you for the support.

We have been together for about a year. The behavior that I find most difficult to deal with is how he can sometimes be with other people, in particular women, because he wants to feel liked. He is very insecure, which now I know can often be a huge part of BPD. But when it comes to our romantic relationship... .this can be a huge problem and it's just something I'm not willing to tolerate. I can take anything else he wants to throw at me, but I personally can't handle being disrespected due to his actions with other women in order to boost his ego.

He supposedly understands that now and has been working on himself with that for the last 2 months or so. I definitely do see improvements. I'm just scared to give in and trust him completely and plan forever with him, meanwhile his improvements might only be short-lived.

Thank you for listening.

[Molls]

Macarena, I think I might have replied to you in a private message? Because I don't see my response to you here. I'm a new member and still learning how to navigate this website ! Sorry!

[Molls]

Radcliff, I will consider your advice. Thank you.

Yes, I did go through a lot of coping strategies. One thing that I am really trying to stick with is to not take anything personally. This is so difficult! It's only natural to want to fight back and defend myself. Now I know though that with BPD getting angry and fighting back isn't productive. I kind of get it now - sometimes what he is saying when we argue isn't what he actually means and there's something else to it that hurts him and is difficult for him to acknowledge. I just have to become good at effectively communicating with him to figure out what is really bothering him.

I'm determined.

Thanks for listening.

[Radcliff]

Yes, I did go through a lot of coping strategies. One thing that I am really trying to stick with is to not take anything personally. This is so difficult! It's only natural to want to fight back and defend myself. Now I know though that with BPD getting angry and fighting back isn't productive.

Great!  It sounds like you're figuring out how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  It takes practice, and we all slip, but it's a great way to get a reduction in conflict.

Can you give us more specifics about what behaviors around other women are difficult for you?

RC

[Molls]

Great!  It sounds like you're figuring out how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  It takes practice, and we all slip, but it's a great way to get a reduction in conflict.

Can you give us more specifics about what behaviors around other women are difficult for you?

RC

Oh boy. Ok, well... .he will literally break his neck to check a woman out. Right in front of me. And he will say all kinds of things too. Sometimes even dirty things, about other women, right in front of me. We are grown adults and I haven't seen someone act like this ever, but maybe the most similar behavior I have seen was with male friends when I was a teenager. I have spoken to him about this so many times, and usually he would be better for a week or two but always go straight back to it. We have recently had a really rough 2 months, and this issue was part of the bigger problem. I will say he has been a lot better about it and this is the longest he has gone with this good behavior. But like I said somewhere in a previous post, naturally I'm scared this is only temporary.

To update on something I said in my first post - I actually had a great opportunity to discuss BPD with him and surprisingly it went really well! I was so scared to discuss it with him but I guess he happened to be in just the right mood. He says he "knows something is wrong" and has thought a bunch of times himself that it might be BPD. We generally discussed BPD, how it impacts his life, my life, and how it could impact any children we might have in the future. I think maybe that opened his eyes a bit. He was incredibly receptive to me and actually really appreciated that I've been reading all these books about it, etc etc, and he even said this himself: "I'm not mad at you, I understand you wanted to learn about BPD so you can better understand me and help me and us as a couple." I could not believe it!

So, I have some hope. I'm scared, but I do have hope.

I know he's a good guy. I know he doesn't mean to drive me crazy, I know he wishes he was more "normal" (his words). It's just so frustrating that these other things take over and cause mayhem.

Sorry for the rant, but I greatly appreciate the opportunity to rant to someone who understands.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Molls-

Welcome to our community.  It’s clear that you’re a very caring and compassionate  woman and you’ve taken great steps in an effort to understand your BF’s behavior.

Please bear with me when I say that spraining one’s neck in an effort to gawk at other women, and then needing to provide YOU with his descriptive  thoughts about them is NOT a BPD trait.  That’s another problem entirely, and it’s very disrespectful.  My ex-husband (19 years) was NOT BPD, but was a tongue-dragging gawker, a porn addict (unbeknownst to me until after we separated) and could not get enough attention from women.  Ultimately, I became completely aloof to his behavior.  The women in our town happily flirted back with him until they learned of our separation.

On the other hand, my BPDbf NEVER so much as LOOKED at another woman when he was with me.  Not even a glance in 4.5 years.  He hated porn.  It was remarkable.  There were tons of other issues, but not that.  He was amazingly respectful in that department.

Respect is hugely important.  Trust is everything.  As members here, we constantly remind one another that we cannot control or “fix” our pwBPD; we can only control ourselves, our reactions.  

Most importantly, when your BF does this, use care to NOT allow his behavior to erode your sense of self, your self esteem.  His actions are coming from a very immature place and you are correct to recall this as adolescent behavior.  Is this where he stopped?  Always... .always so much to consider.  

Please Take your time.  Your heart, your life.  He’s a guest until he shows you enough stability over a longer term for you to invite him to take up permanent residence in your heart, your life.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[hopefulbutlost17]

Hi,

I'd like to say that I can relate to you as far as being new to this and although she is my ex, she still has a huge part in my life (on and off for 3 years and living together)  I have done a lot of research within the last month and just like you, have been able to check off several traits that I see in her.  I relate to you as to where I want to be supportive with her, learn more about BPD, and eventually get her to therapy.  I know she is my ex and should not be "my concern" as others have told me but with the history we have, I can't give up.  I've found this forum to be so helpful in the last couple of days that I have come across it and just want to learn so much more.

It makes me continue to have hope to read a story like yours and being able to relate entirely.  After reading your thread, I'm so happy to read that your boyfriend is acknowledging all of this and is willing to work it out.  Like I said, it gives me so much hope for my situation. My ex knows there is something wrong with her too but we have been fighting and going "no contact" recently so it's hard to talk to her.

Unfortunately, for me I am in the "discarding" stage, if you want to call it that (I'm still learning all the verbiage).

[ambermj]

 I would strongly advise against revealing to him the extent of the homework you've done.  Think of yourself like a calm duck on top of the water, with legs paddling underneath out of sight.  Our pwBPD tend to have strong reactions when we discuss the disorder out in the open with them, and even if things go OK at first, an eventual blowup can make it tougher for them to reach out for help later.

RD,

I'm new as well. I'm not as far along in learning about BPD as the OP but I was excited to find this site and find support and want to share it with my SO but you strongly advise against revealing our research. On the one had I can understand that. She will look at it as me finding something wrong with her, but on the other hand, her and I know we are struggling and I thought it might be a relief to learn what that problem is and that there is support out there. How can I approach this topic with her? How can I encourage her to come to this site or to seek counseling?

[Molls]

Most importantly, when your BF does this, use care to NOT allow his behavior to erode your sense of self, your self esteem.  His actions are coming from a very immature place and you are correct to recall this as adolescent behavior.  Is this where he stopped?  Always... .always so much to consider.  

Hi Gemsforeyes, thank you for your response and for your support.

I initially agreed with you and thought it was only immature behavior. But after all of my reading, I think it's pretty safe to say that his behavior with other women is at least definitely connected to BPD. I always knew he was extremely insecure and I've learned that that's a common thing with people who have BPD. So to me it makes sense that he would be this way, to see any possible reactions from these women to give his ego a boost. However, the bottom line is that it's disrespectful, just like you said.

And no, unfortunately, that's not where it stopped. This is pretty much why we have recently been having a rough time. Very long story short, I found out not long ago that he had an inappropriate conversation with another woman. I was extremely upset, completely heartbroken. It's hard to explain without all the details but, basically because of this I had a feeling he wasn't completely honest with me about something else in the past. I bothered him about it and eventually he gave in and he ended up admitting to me that I was right about my suspicions and the truth was that during a rough time last year, he cheated on me with someone else. I cannot tell you how damaged I feel from all of this.

I've never had self-esteem problems, and even now I generally don't - but with him, I do. I'm not TOO hard on myself about it, because I do know logically that this is his problem and it's not about me... .but still, the "why" and "how" questions keep coming back to me and I'm finding it really hard to move on. Especially since I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.

Once in a while I will bring it up to him about how I'm feeling and it's kind of a 50/50 chance with how he will respond. And I'm just so tired of fighting that I kind of just don't even want to bring it up to him anymore. Plus, sometimes when I bring it up and ask questions about what he did specifically or if I say how I feel about something he did, he gets so upset and will even cry. I know for a fact that it's genuine and he really feels like a piece of crap for doing these things when he knows I've been amazing to him. And it hurts me to see him hurt like that - even though he made his bed and should now lay in it, it still hurts me.

I told him if that's the kind of life he wants to have and wants to just go and flirt with other women, do whatever with whoever he wants whenever he wants, then he can go and do that. But he can't do that AND have me. I told him of course I would be hurt but I'll get over it, and if he's just honest with himself and with me then we would both be better off. He swears he loves me, wants to be with me, get married and have kids, and be in an actual good and loyal relationship. And I love him. So I made the difficult decision to give him this last chance. That's why I told him he needs to go to therapy, otherwise I cannot stay with him.

And that's how I eventually came to BPD. We both knew something was wrong - his "stupid decisions when he's stressed out", as he puts it, meaning his risky sexual behavior and little spending sprees... and just soo many other things. Once I came across BPD, I stopped looking into other mental health issues. I'm just so sure that this is his problem.

Anyway. Again, I'm sorry for ranting. It just feels really good to get all of this out. It's been really hard trying to hold him up AND myself. I'm managing but it's really difficult.

You're right, respect and trust are everything. I always knew that but now I REALLY know it. I honestly don't know how this is going to turn out. Whenever I catch myself feeling happy again, I have a little voice in my head saying "yeah well, remember when you thought you were 'happy' and everything was good a few months ago, meanwhile he had that inappropriate conversation with so-and-so?" I just don't know. I think it's definitely possible that we can get over this, he can get well and one day I can trust him again - that's why I'm giving it the chance. But what is the probability of that happening? I don't expect anyone to be able to answer that. I'm just putting my thoughts out there.

I don't know when, but I do plan on talking to him in depth about all of this stuff again. I think it might go a lot better than it did weeks ago, now that everything has calmed down a bit. I just need to get my thoughts organized a little better first. This discussion board is probably helping me do just that.

Again, I really appreciate anyone reading this.

[Molls]

Hi hopefulbutlost17, thanks for replying.

How long have you two been together and how long have you been broken up now? My boyfriend and I have broken up (but briefly) a few times already in one year. Its exhausting.

I think it's good of you to continue to try to help her. Just because you are no longer with her doesnt mean you have to stop caring about her. But I do hope you are taking care of yourself also. Have you read any good books that have been helping you?

[hopefulbutlost17]

Hi hopefulbutlost17, thanks for replying.

How long have you two been together and how long have you been broken up now? My boyfriend and I have broken up (but briefly) a few times already in one year. Its exhausting.

I think it's good of you to continue to try to help her. Just because you are no longer with her doesnt mean you have to stop caring about her. But I do hope you are taking care of yourself also. Have you read any good books that have been helping you?

Hi Molls,

We have been on and off for the last 3 years.  For the last month we have been trying the "friend" thing and on my part, it's difficult to separate my feelings.  However, we have been living together and do "couple" things minus the intimate stuff (see my confusion). I respect that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone at all at the moment; she's focused on school and work. When you're being treated almost like a partner, it's difficult not to react in certain ways.  Of course, it's okay for her to do certain things, but I can't.

I have began to take care of myself, but it's difficult. I miss her. A lot of my reactions to her talking to other/new people, doing her own thing, wanting space, etc have come from my own personal abandonment issues (my father). 

I did read two books called "I hate you, don't leave me" and "But I Love You-Anything to get rid of the pain"

How have you been taking care of yourself? How is it going with your boyfriend?