I can't share these things with you anymore

[Wize]

L,

We were supposed to share all these things together.  We were supposed to live together forever.  I got that new promotion.  But you weren't there to celebrate with me. Floating down the river in the afternoon after I get off work.  Sitting on the shore drinking beers.  Driving into the countryside, holding hands, watching the sun set.  You promised to be with me always and forever.  That's was our saying "always and forever." Your daughters used to paint my toenails as we watched some silly chick flick. Remember the new horse we were going to buy for K? What happened?  We were supposed to share all these things together?

W

[ICantFixHer]

Did she perhaps, like the skunk, promise you a fake future? I mean, to her in that moment, it was real, but the next day maybe it wasn't. Mine promised me the moon but delivered nothing more than a fetid stench.

[Herodias]

Well, yes... .forever and ever. Until someone else comes along. Mine made me promise that I would stay with him no matter what... .I didn't know that meant I would have to put up with car accidents, drunken driving, cheating, mental hospital stays, drug use, bringing strangers into our home, lies, using up money, a woman in my bed, physical and mental torture, nights from hell... .you get my drift.  Wize, wake up... .you're not in Kansas anymore.  Sorry... .We know how it feels, really we do.   

[Wize]

Wize, wake up... .you're not in Kansas anymore.  Sorry... .We know how it feels, really we do.   

You're so right, Blue.  Thanks for giving it to me straight.  I was just feeling pretty down after work today.  Ready Sadly's poems made me cry. 

[Lilyroze]

  Hello Wize,

The good part is you got the promotion, congrats.

The bottom line is that you had to get away. It is good to remember the good times, and keep them, as you are a healthy person that doesn't paint someone black. But do also take your brain on the heart remembering tour and remember some of the bad, not to make her the villain, but to see why she is not your future.

Remember, people who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship don't need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration, or honour explained to them. People who are capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, want to share your joy, and accomplishments . They don't deliberately do things to hurt you. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't cheat... .

I commend you on healing, your journey, the fact you have a great family and career. Keep those close to your heart and vision board for your future.

[Wize]

I commend you on healing, your journey, the fact you have a great family and career. Keep those close to your heart and vision board for your future.

I've actually been doing pretty dang good the past week or so.  I think I was just due for some heavy emotions to hit me. I've been kind of putting my feelings aside while I prepared for this promotion at work.  I had to focus.  And all those emotions came welling up after work today because my exwife really encouraged me and helped me prepare for this promotion.  It was something that I was positive she would be sharing with me.  It all ended so quickly though.  My head and heart are still spinning. 

Thanks for keeping me on the straight and narrow.  I need reminders that, while the fantasy was appealing, it wasn't real... .I want something real.

[Wize]

Did she perhaps, like the skunk, promise you a fake future?

I think she promised me the fantasy because that's her reality.  I was caught up in the fantasy too. But, unlike her, I didn't need the fantasy to be with her.  I loved her good times and bad.  For a pwBPD, they don't do the bad times so well. 

[Xstang77]

Your post got me right in the feels, especially since even though we're broken up she promised to spend last week with me (my vacation) yet the time comes and nothing instead she posts going to the beach with her second guy in a month. My issue I've found at looking in myself is I miss and need the companionship.

[Wize]

My issue I've found at looking in myself is I miss and need the companionship.

So do I.  Desperately so.  It's this desperate loneliness that I need to purge from my soul.  The loneliness drives me to choose broken women with nothing to offer.  And now, I've chosen one so broken that she leaves destruction in her wake.  Three little kids, her perpetual victims.  I got away but they are forced to stay. 

[drained1996]

I shared with my therapist my feelings of missing my exBPD and having thoughts of contacting her again.  He almost dismissed my feelings by saying "that's your loneliness... .that's your issue, it has nothing to do with her".

I didn't respond and we kept right on talking.  I thought about his statement for a month before I returned.  He was correct, I was lonely and what was my first thought?  My most recent and most accessible partner.  Was that healthy?  No, did that really have much to do with her?  Somewhat but not really... .she was just the most convenient answer.  It was clear the answer was to handle my own loneliness in a healthy manner, and I've done the best I can.  I accepted it as my issue, her being the most recent memory of some happiness simply pointed me in her direction.  I know that's not the answer, and I also comprehend my "missing" her has more to do with history than the correct answer.  I have no place in my life for a borderline, and neither do any of us that are here.  I miss what I want, not what I had.

[Wize]

Really good post, drained.  Some very poignant statement in there.  If I may ask, what are some of the things you and your therapist have worked on to remove the loneliness and codependency from your thinking? Codependency and extreme loneliness have been lifelong issues for me and I'd really like to deal with them.

[drained1996]

Wize,

My T always suggested we own our own problems.  He's straight forward that way.  When he casually suggested that loneliness was my issue, I took it as my own.  I acknowledged it in the next session and I basically said I knew why I would return to the most recent person who could/would give me reprieve from my own issue... .loneliness.  I had to look at myself and say to me... .is that what you want to be with someone where you know it sucks/is a dead end?  The answer was no.  It was also liberating simply to understand it wasn't necessarily  a will to be with her, but a will to be with someone.  I had to figure out that I wanted to work on myself to become better equipped to have a healthy mature relationship with someone.  I'm still in that process of working on myself, but I'm getting there.  I'm thinking the codependence issues will be taken care of by my past experiences with BPD's and my willingness to face my issues I know are not healthy.  I know I'll be more in tune with red flags, and my boundaries will be more pronounced.  I'll be looking out for me, while I hope to find a partner that will be looking out for themselves but willing to share themselves maturely, and not searching for their knight in shining armor.  I've retired my armor.  I'm looking for a partner, not a project.  And I know I still have work to do on myself, before I'll be worthy of such a partner... .but the time is coming.

[Wize]

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my question.  Every single thing you said resonates strongly with me.  It seems I'm in a very similar place as far as self-discovery and growth.  Like you, I've been beaten up in my one-sided relationships.

This quote here: "It was also liberating simply to understand it wasn't necessarily  a will to be with her, but a will to be with someone."
It wasn't her, it's not her that I'm longing for... .it's what she represented; a lifelong cure for my loneliness.  She was the answer.  She completed me and made me whole so that I would never have to be alone again.  But it wasn't about her as a person, it was about me and my need to have someone to feel whole and accepted and happy.

Right now I'm wrestling with something.  I honestly don't know that I believe I can be whole and happy by myself.  It's sort of inconceivable to me.  My brothers and sisters, mom and dad are all happy... .and they're all coupled.  I wish I could stand on my own two feet.

[Ahoy]

My issue I've found at looking in myself is I miss and need the companionship.

So do I.  Desperately so.  It's this desperate loneliness that I need to purge from my soul.  The loneliness drives me to choose broken women with nothing to offer.  And now, I've chosen one so broken that she leaves destruction in her wake.  Three little kids, her perpetual victims.  I got away but they are forced to stay. 

Now take what Ross Rosenberg says with a grain of salt, however in his writings, he describes at the core of co-dependence is loneliness. His co-dependence recovery plan insists that a person with these traits has to confront this and overcome this problem.

Overcoming loneliness is empowering because it means we can choose who we date next. If someone has red flags, you are comfortable enough to simply say "no thank you, you are not right for me" and go back to solitude.

I won't say I am completely comfortable being alone, If anything I've changed my thinking, because with a few good friends or family members, even work buddies, none of us are truly 'alone' =)

[drained1996]

We have to learn how to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with anyone else.  Not to say we need to be perfectly happy by any means, but we do need confidence in our own being and an understanding of who we are, and what we are willing to accept in our lives. 
Wize, I've struggled with my own perception of myself in life.  I've dealt with depression bouts my whole life, my sisters 11 and 13 years older have given my parents 6 grandchildren.  My parents always thought of them as golden.   I've had a busted marriage with a BPD, depression following, financial issues they helped me with, and another BPD I had been with for 4+years. I've also dealt this past year with family issues as my father passed away, and I've simply learned my family... .far from what it would appear to the public... .sucks.
Wize, I think you will be fine, if you focus on YOU.  That's been my focus lately, and I feel like I'm moving forward at a very good pace.  Not that I don't have setbacks, but they are becoming less and less, and I also cope with them better.

[atomic popsicles]

Wize, you often write what I think. Your post moved me to tears bcz I feel the same way. I was talking with my counselor the other day and she was convinced that my take on lonliness and  happiness was due to some trauma or some experience I had in the past.

I've made the mistake of telling my friends I feel like this and I have been lectured to several times about not jumping in to anything, etc. I'm terrified I will be alone for the rest of my life, but I want HIM back. The him he was anyway.

I think a lot about when or if I feel ready trying to meet someone and the "man shortage" at my age (45), the trying out to see if someone likes me or vice versa. When I am honest and say "I want to be married again one day", the response is either "love yourself first so if you don't find someone it's ok" (which makes me cry and brings on what feels like such sadness and an anxiety attack), "stop making that your goal", etc.  I would rather have my husband back than deal with all that. I see that it is like a drug, but I don't see anyway of changing my mindset... .which then makes people lecture me.

Not trying to hijack your thread, but yes. I get it.

[drained1996]

Wize and atomic popsicles,

I'll challenge you to ask your T's for any suggestions they may have on things to do to improve yourselves by stepping out of your comfort zones.  I found that my comfort zone was relatively diminished by my experiences with my BPD's.  I experienced that by slowly doing things I wasn't as comfortable with expanded my zone, and things tended to get easier and easier as time went along.  Essentially my life experiences were reduced because my world shrank into my BPD's little imaginary worlds.  I was walking on eggshells... .and found out I was trapped in an egg at the same time.