Does no contact work in order to get an expwBPD back if they left you?

[CryWolf]

Hey all,
Does no contact work in order to get an expwBPD back if they left you?  :)o they start to miss you and want to reach out? Or are they too ashamed and rather find someone else? Are they over you and mean it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blooming]

With me it worked, three times actually. All the times that my ex broke up with me I didn't initiate any contact and after a while (first two weeks, then three weeks, the last time five weeks) he always came back to me, saying he missed me and that he wanted to try again.

[Daffodill]

I've gone NC a few times, once after a really bad fight/break-up.  It "works" in terms of him coming back and he's all sweet and sorry about everything, but nothing really changes.  NC just seems to trigger his abandonment issues and as soon as you are "back together", the same issues that were there before start to come back.  I'm working on trying other approaches to our issues.  Time outs/breaks from each other seem to help, but there is much more work that needs to be done on both our parts.  He's not really open to doing anything now, but I've started going to a 6 week BPD Education group and will be starting individual counseling this week.  I've also joined a monthly support group they are offering that will start soon.  I'm hoping if I can at least adjust how I interact with him that it will help some.

[CryWolf]

It’s been over a month now since I stopped chasing my ex and cut all contact. She has not came back. She only came back a few times after breaking up with me in the course of 3 years. I always chased and pursued and asked to take me back when she left.

[isilme]

Going NC is not really supposed to be a tool to "make them come back."  It's a boundary to protect you from their unstable emotions and influence while you try to break free from enmeshment, gaslighting, and take some stock of what you want and what you need in a partner, and if this person can give you enough of that to re-establish contact. It's a time for you to focus on getting mentally healthy.

None of the boundaries are really meant to change the BPD person, but to protect you.  The boundaries you choose, NC being one of them, can influence the BPD person, but the goal is to work on you, in order to make sure you are able to not contribute to the drama cycle.  

I am NC with my BPD parents.  Forever it seems.  It's the only way I can protect myself from them, as they are very toxic and my upbringing was incredibly damaging and makes me prone to enmeshment.

Taking a break is NC/Limited contact (LC) where you know your goal is to get them back/return to having a relationship following a turbulent period.  It's not playing hard to get.  It's not a game.  It is still protecting you from them until they can calm down and "reset" to a sort of baseline where conversations and interaction can actually take place.  They rely on us to manage their emotions.  This is unhealthy for both of us.  So we have to take that option off the table, often by not being there to do it for them.  They also want to push us away while keeping us tethered just enough to pull us back when the abandonment gets too real.  This bouncing back and forth, close, broken up, all over the place is not a good place to be, not a place where you can build a life of any kind together.

We can't change them.  We can change us.  As we update and adapt our responses to them to be healthier, we Do put them into a position where their old tactics aren't getting the response they are used to, so they need to try new ones but that is more of a side-effect of us working on us.  

Take time apart to get squared away.  :)on't feel you need to respond to every message, especially not ones you can tell are intended to keep a fight going.  Only you can judge when the time to end NC is, and they might very well not be able to handle it - this is sad, but okay - they are free to make their own choices about the r/s, just as you are.  If you feel a need/desire to reach out, go ahead. 

[Tattered Heart]

I'd like to add on to what isilme said. We cannot make other people do anything. They will choose to come back or not to come back. The important part is to work on yourself during your time apart so that you can be in the healthiest place when/if they return.

What can you do to work towards better responses to someone with BPD?
What type of reactions to your pwBPD do you think you need to address better?

[CryWolf]

We can't change them.  We can change us.  As we update and adapt our responses to them to be healthier, we Do put them into a position where their old tactics aren't getting the response they are used to, so they need to try new ones but that is more of a side-effect of us working on us.  

Take time apart to get squared away.  :)on't feel you need to respond to every message, especially not ones you can tell are intended to keep a fight going.  Only you can judge when the time to end NC is, and they might very well not be able to handle it - this is sad, but okay - they are free to make their own choices about the r/s, just as you are.  If you feel a need/desire to reach out, go ahead. 

I want to break NC but I do not know what to say without pushing her away.

 During our breakup, I was the one always texting and approaching her and it only pushed her away and more mad. I dont want to push her away anymore. Im not doing no contact to manipulate her but she left me and im respecting her wishes.

I did a lot of jading and invalidation without knowing these tools. I want her to know I changed and Im not that same person she broke up with. I feel so much more confident and secure as a person now. I know my absence and space is what she wanted and should be showing her a lot that i did change. But I want to reach out. Not sure if this is the right time, or wait til she reaches out.

[CryWolf]

I'd like to add on to what isilme said. We cannot make other people do anything. They will choose to come back or not to come back. The important part is to work on yourself during your time apart so that you can be in the healthiest place when/if they return.

What can you do to work towards better responses to someone with BPD?
What type of reactions to your pwBPD do you think you need to address better?

Hey Tattered Heart! 
You are right on this. My therapist told me I dont have control over anyones life but my own. I am doing radical acceptance and doing mindfulness exorcises.

My ex and I had a lot of problems of miscommunication, stupid arguments which resulted in "jading". We both assumed too much. I want to be a more understanding person and validate her without her feeling hurt. I need to be more patient when she is in crisis mode. My reactions of being hurt when she says false things, or certain toxic things. I need to know words are words and they only are said in that moment and she is saying them when she is hurt.

I wish I knew all these tools during the relationship and make her feel loved and secure with me. I did the best I could but not the proper way to how people with BPD handle conflict.

I wish I could show her all these changes I am making.

[juju2]

Hi C

I am trying c.c., which for me is controlled contact.

We can call, text, email.

And for myself, I was always the pursuer, so if he wants to initiate an activity, I am not going to decline.  I will meet up w him.  His choice... .He doesnt know that, and has asked about us meeting up, and hasn't arranged anything.

What made me go c.c is 10 days ago he said he was in a r/s.  Before that, him and i were in couples counseling, we were going on coffee dates once a week.  Before he said he was in a r/s, he started cutting back our time at the once a week coffee... .

So after processing his changed status, his cutting time w me, I texted him that i would accept texts, phone calls, and emails.  Wasn't going to go to any more counseling, or coffees.

The first week, he called, texted, emailed.

Here we are tuesday nite, and we haven't seen eachother in two weeks as of tomorrow.

After reading about r/s in a book, I see that he is withdrawing.  I need to back up in order to protect myself, and focus on my life, and how i want my life to look.  It's hard.  Very hard.

This whole r/s has been a roller coaster, and for 10 years, I didn't have any tools.  It's only this last year that i have a start on what his illness is.

One of the last times we talked, he said his new psychiatrist said he doesn't have BPD anymore.  She said he has ptsd.

That hit me as strange, because our couples T., who has experience w BPD, told him at our 2nd appt that she could see his BPD.  (He told her he had that at our first appt in November last yr.)

Anyway, n.c. doesn't work for me.  It's too extreme.

That is just my opinion... .

best,

juju

[CryWolf]

Hi C

I am trying c.c., which for me is controlled contact.

We can call, text, email.

And for myself, I was always the pursuer, so if he wants to initiate an activity, I am not going to decline.  I will meet up w him.  His choice... .He doesnt know that, and has asked about us meeting up, and hasn't arranged anything.

So after processing his changed status, his cutting time w me, I texted him that i would accept texts, phone calls, and emails.  Wasn't going to go to any more counseling, or coffees.

After reading about r/s in a book, I see that he is withdrawing.  I need to back up in order to protect myself, and focus on my life, and how i want my life to look.  It's hard.  Very hard.

This whole r/s has been a roller coaster, and for 10 years, I didn't have any tools.  It's only this last year that i have a start on what his illness is.

One of the last times we talked, he said his new psychiatrist said he doesn't have BPD anymore.  She said he has ptsd.

That hit me as strange, because our couples T., who has experience w BPD, told him at our 2nd appt that she could see his BPD.  (He told her he had that at our first appt in November last yr.)

Anyway, n.c. doesn't work for me.  It's too extreme.

That is just my opinion... .

best,

juju

Hey JuJu

I think there is a lot of misconception with NC. NC in my opinion means going NC until the person who has left you has contacted you. This is my understanding of it. If my ex does message me I will reply. There is a lot of bad advice out there saying you dont reply and ignore that person for a certain amount of time which is terrible. the "30 day nc rule" is terrible too. However, she has not replied to my messages I last sent since end of january. And we have been in NC since. Besides bumping to another on campus. 

In your situation, I believe you are doing the right thing by going nc/cc until they approach you. You do not want to be an option that is on the back burner for them. Im proud of you for your decision to put your needs and wants first. 

A lot of Coach Craig Kenneth has helped me as well as this group. Hopefully his videos help. I wish I knew the tools of BPD as well during my relationship.

Its terrible news that he maybe possibly misdiagnosed with PTSD. It doesnt hurt to have another evaluation by a different therapist? 

[juju2]

Thanks for your response.

I agree there is a lot of misconceptions out there.

At this point, I feel like have nothing to lose, only upside.  He tests me, the 3rd day, he texted, then called, left v.m.
to see if he could drop by our house, he left 75% of his things at our shared home, and said he needed tools for his upcoming contract job.

I just said, texted, sure, house is unlocked, if you would text me when you leave.

Then i get home, the main things he wanted, he left on the couch.  So I texted him, that i left his things outside if he wanted to pick them up.

he came over and got them, I didn't go outside.

I just sense that me showing respect for myself, no matter what happens in our r/s, me respecting everyone, including myself, will be a very good thing.

I am taking this one day at a time.

Appreciate so much the support here.

juju

[CryWolf]

I think im going to email her and reach out. idk i wrote the email out but idk if i should send it

[Jessica84]

What would your email say?

Something light may work better than a pour-your-heart-out email. Those only pushed my guy further away. I've had better luck sharing some piece of news with a quick text or email - promotion at work, some mutual interest or news about a friend. Or I would forward some article of interest to him. These kind of contacts put no pressure on him to respond, but made it safe for him if he wanted to, since it was nothing too heavy. Good way to test the waters. I followed his lead, based on how he responded. If he ignored, or only wrote back a generic "thanks" "ok" or "that's nice", I left it at that. If he followed with a question, I answered. If he seemed receptive to continuing the conversation, I replied more... .

Re-opening a line of communication can be a slow journey.

[zachira]

There is no way to predict how another person will behave in a certain situation, though past behavior is very predictive of future behavior. I would say that sometimes the no contact will make the BPD partner more desperate, and likely to do anything to resume contact, and/or to increase destructive self defeating behaviors which include trying to resume the relationship at any cost. What can possibly work is that the no contact will work to drive the BPD away, if the former partner communicates over and over again that the relationship is really over through ignoring all attempts by the BPD for resuming the relationship and really means it. The problem is that the non BPD partner is rarely ambivalent about the past relationship, and misses some aspects of that relationship, so the BPD partner feels that eventually they will get their former partner back if they try hard enough.

[CryWolf]

What would your email say?

Something light may work better than a pour-your-heart-out email. Those only pushed my guy further away. I've had better luck sharing some piece of news with a quick text or email - promotion at work, some mutual interest or news about a friend. Or I would forward some article of interest to him. These kind of contacts put no pressure on him to respond, but made it safe for him if he wanted to, since it was nothing too heavy. Good way to test the waters. I followed his lead, based on how he responded. If he ignored, or only wrote back a generic "thanks" "ok" or "that's nice", I left it at that. If he followed with a question, I answered. If he seemed receptive to continuing the conversation, I replied more... .

Re-opening a line of communication can be a slow journey.

Hey Jessica! I already sent the email actually, it is written in here if you would like to check it out and I would love your feedback. I did do a bit of both actually. I am starting to regret it, and should have waited until response from all of you first... merp. However, i personally feel this may better resonate with her. Im not sure.

Another reason i didnt try the short light hearted update with her was because she could see right through it. And i tried it right after the breakup and landed back on my face.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322908.50

[Jessica84]

Hey, you know her best! pwBPD may have similar traits, but each is their own unique person. Each relationship is different. So if you think it will resonate with her, it just might. Don't second guess yourself, or take any advice here as gospel. You weren't rash, you thought it thru, and hit send. Good for you! Hope it turns out well   

[CryWolf]

Hey, you know her best! pwBPD may have similar traits, but each is their own unique person. Each relationship is different. So if you think it will resonate with her, it just might. Don't second guess yourself, or take any advice here as gospel. You weren't rash, you thought it thru, and hit send. Good for you! Hope it turns out well   

Thank you Jessica! Thats very nice to hear.   Im new to this BPD thing and am doing my best. I know she wont reply to the email but I think it may warm her up over time and may cause some thoughts for her to start painting me white. hopefully.

usually when im blocked on all forms of communication but school email, she would read my email and then unblock me but still not reach out. it sucks knowing they wont reach out first. She even mentioned she has too much pride and ego to reach out first.

[isilme]

I hope you hear back soon.   

Dealing with BPD is all a process, and we have to be the ones more adaptive, as they can't easily see how they contribute to communication problems and drama.  You have to feel it out as best as you can - like Jess said, you know her best and what works with her. 

[CryWolf]

Thank you iSlime

I hope I know her. Or I used to know her. Because it feels like I don’t know her anymore. This is the longest we’ve been apart. I hope she didn’t see the email and just snide and feed her ego.

She has BPD but I feel like she is different. She acknowledges her behavior. Before we knew she had BPD she mentioned she had abandonment issues. She mentioned that she has too much pride to apologize and come back after a breakup. She even has a side blog where she talks deeply about her feelings and she would write “I only ment to bring you closer but it pushed you away”. When we broke up for.a month before.
Are some people with BPD as aware like this as my exBPD? She would even tell me when she is saying those nasty things she can’t control herself and it “just happens” then she feels horrible seeing the texts she sent. I think that’s why she deletes her texts after a fight so she doesn’t Be reminded and get shameful.

[CryWolf]

Hey everyone, Im going to make this thread a continuation from this https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322908.50

[Tattered Heart]

I was just thinking of something that might help you get a better understanding of what could be going on in her mind. pwBPD often have a fear of engulfment . I'm not sure if that's what happened in your specific situation, but it's possible that she just felt too overwhelmed with feelings, so to combat that fear of losing herself in you, she may have pushed away and cut off emotion.

Overall though, what can you do so that you are not thinking of her constantly? Can you go hang out with friends? Get out into the community? Exercise? Just get out and do something for you without worrying about her response or anything about her.

[CryWolf]

I was just thinking of something that might help you get a better understanding of what could be going on in her mind. pwBPD often have a fear of engulfment . I'm not sure if that's what happened in your specific situation, but it's possible that she just felt too overwhelmed with feelings, so to combat that fear of losing herself in you, she may have pushed away and cut off emotion.

Overall though, what can you do so that you are not thinking of her constantly? Can you go hang out with friends? Get out into the community? Exercise? Just get out and do something for you without worrying about her response or anything about her.

hmm, that makes a lot sense. We broke up because she said I was "needy" which didnt make sense to me at first. And I have been working on that since the breakup. But I supposed people with BPD feel "neediness" on a different scale than non's. Hopefully my email didn't come off as this but whats done is done.

I have school which doesn't help much because it makes me think of her more and I end up walking past her. I have the gym and friends there which helps a lot. But I have not gone in almost 2 weeks. I was going religiously right before that but it seems like I lost motivation. I am hanging out with more people trying to stray away from thinking of her the best I can. The obsessive thoughts aren't as extensive as they once were. But I still have the longing feeling for her which Im trying to overcome atm.

[CryWolf]

starting to kick myself in the head. Ive been watching a lot of the "get your ex back videos" and they all suggested to send a playful message. i did not do that and now Im thinking this was the final nail in the coffin.

[Jessica84]

CryWolf - you didn't do anything wrong. Your email is the opposite of needy, it conveys you are letting her go, but in a gentle, supportive way that lets her know you still care. Please don't watch those videos or read articles designed for non-BPD exes. These will confuse you! I made the same mistake. The problem with the advice on those is it doesn't address the core issues - the disordered thinking and dysfunction of BPD. Maybe that advice works on healthier people, I don't know, but it can trigger all sorts of crazy behavior with someone w/BPD.

Give her space now while you work on you. Try to get back into your life routine, rediscover old hobbies, have some fun. Distraction helps. You don't have to suffer to heal. You can take it a day at a time... .and grow stronger each day. 

[CryWolf]

Thank you Jessica84!

yes I have been watching those videos extensively. And switching from this site to that, it is driving me crazy. As well as taking advice from other friends who have no idea about BPD relationships. I can see what added into what have caused her to feel invalidated.

Thank you for the reassurance. I will be working on myself, and can only have wishful thinking and hope at this time. I still have the fears that she painted me black like her ex, and I will never come out of it. But I have to accept it and let it go.

She is the most stubborn and prideful person I know so Im not sure if she will come back or if I hurt her too much. I also dont know if she likes someone new or not because I stopped checking her blog and she has a lot of male friends who i dont find as a threat but idk. I never know with this girl. For example, we text and make plans. then pick her up and she gets in my car looking mad and irritated. silent and not talking. 45 minutes later talkative and happy. Im just venting now .

[Jessica84]

Being painted white is no picnic either. Impossible standards. If I'm a saint/goddess/perfect... .then any mistake is a slight. Forgetting to ask for no onions on his burger can send him into a rage. Or after a breakup, being painted white translates to I'm too good for him, I should move on. I wish he had grey paint, that suits the "me" I know better - doing my best, but flawed, a mere mortal. Instead, I go from black to white and back constantly.

Oh well, it washes off. 

Let her paint you any color she likes. You know what color you are!

[once removed]

"no contact" is a tool for detaching from a failed relationship. it is not a tool to rekindle a relationship or get someone back.

its a very different thing than giving space or letting go of someone who has requested that we do so. its a very different thing from a timeout in an ongoing relationship.

it is a mentality, and a boundary, for a person who is trying to detach, is in a fragile state, and is unsettled (or very unsettled) by any contact with an ex.

more here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

[CryWolf]

Thank you for the lesson Once removed. My exBPD was the one that wanted no contact. And I only wanted to implicate it to give her the space and time to miss me and hopefully see that she misses me and come back. Either way it was what she wanted.

We did have talks during the relationship where she knew I was feeling abused and unheard and I would bring it up to her and she would tell me she didn’t want me to be with someone that’s abusive. I told her I didn’t care and wanted to try. I think she knew I was hurting and led to one of the reasons we had to cut ties.

I wish I knew all these tools before. I wish I could go back in time to make things better and show her how loved she truly is and she is my better half. I wish I didn’t invalidate and jade her and push her away.

We were each other’s best friends and did everything together. Now we are nothing. Sorry for the sad post. The weather finally cleared up and birds chirping and all I want to do is spend it with her. But all I can do is wait for a miracle.

[CryWolf]

UPdate: after night class I sat on the bench outside. Then later she walked by with her friends and classmates. Looked at me and kept walking. We didn’t make eye contact.

[CryWolf]

Its like I dont even exist in her life anymore. She used to be so happy and excited seeing me when we were together. Now Im nothing. She doesnt write about me, talk about me. nothing.