Does no contact work in order to get an expwBPD back if they left you?

[starlight66]

Howdy Crywolf.

This is my first post, but I have been following your posts and story. I have personal experience with a romantic partner and have been recycled.  My comments are based on my own experience.

No one knows what the future holds, but I think the odds are significantly in your favor that your ex will split you white in the future.  It's part of the illness and part of your history with her.

There is something I would like to say to you.  If and when your ex comes back into your life you will both look back on this time apart and how you both acted.  If you have acted with dignity and strength it will be a very strong asset going forward.  If she can trust you to be a strong man for her while you are apart, it will give the best chance for the future.

A strong person respects himself and his partner.  I think your ex is asking for space.  With the greatest kindness I think you could respect her space better.  Talking to her classmates, sitting on a bench after class are all invasive - you are pushing towards her.

I think she needs you to withdraw - to give her the genuine space she needs at this time.  If you open the space it may allow her to eventually move toward you.  In my case in took 18 months, then 7 months, then 2 months - but each time she came to me.

During the time apart I became focused on improving my life.  I almost became aggressive with it - I wanted to be the best and strongest man for the future her. The first separation I initiated contact for about 9 months.  The other separations I did not initiate contact, but responded to her on the rare occasions she contacted me, and I worked hard during each separation. 

During the last two separations I did not try to show her anything or tell her about my improvements - I trusted the odds were in my favor that she would come back to me and she could discover how I had improved for herself. And if she didn't - I had still improved.

It is very hard for you because she is your first love.  It has been hard for me each time as well.

I think she will think about you much more than you will know.  I think you can get through this time apart and prove to her you can be strong with her, and strong without her.  I think she needs this from you.

Remember each person is different, but give yourself the best odds.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[CryWolf]

Being painted white is no picnic either. Impossible standards. If I'm a saint/goddess/perfect... .then any mistake is a slight. Forgetting to ask for no onions on his burger can send him into a rage. Or after a breakup, being painted white translates to I'm too good for him, I should move on. I wish he had grey paint, that suits the "me" I know better - doing my best, but flawed, a mere mortal. Instead, I go from black to white and back constantly.

Oh well, it washes off.  

Let her paint you any color she likes. You know what color you are!

I can relate so well... One time I put lemon in our sweet tea and she went berserker mode because we never do that and I just wanted to try something new. She started accusing me of doing it with another girl and confusing her for her. =_=

Many times she does ask me "what do i see in her" or "i deserve someone that can truly make me happy" and "it wont be her and she cant give me what I want and Im just settling." or she would even tell me "this relationship is so toxic and Im just with her because im lonely" or "ill leave when someone better comes along"

I know what color I am! But I think she might be telling her classmates bad about me now. I was walking to my car last night, and when their friend group split up, the friend group she wasn't walking anymore with kept looking back at me. So annoying. Keep in mind we are in college. Im 24, but this feels like a 16 year old relationship now.

[GD39]

I've gone NC a few times, once after a really bad fight/break-up.  It "works" in terms of him coming back and he's all sweet and sorry about everything, but nothing really changes.  NC just seems to trigger his abandonment issues and as soon as you are "back together", the same issues that were there before start to come back.  I'm working on trying other approaches to our issues.  Time outs/breaks from each other seem to help, but there is much more work that needs to be done on both our parts.  He's not really open to doing anything now, but I've started going to a 6 week BPD Education group and will be starting individual counseling this week.  I've also joined a monthly support group they are offering that will start soon.  I'm hoping if I can at least adjust how I interact with him that it will help some.

What area of the country you live in? I ask, because I believe I tried doing that six weeks thing, but it was not available in my area. Is this the NAMI program? If not, could you forward me the information?

[CryWolf]

This is my first post, but I have been following your posts and story. I have personal experience with a romantic partner and have been recycled.  My comments are based on my own experience.

A strong person respects himself and his partner.  I think your ex is asking for space.  With the greatest kindness I think you could respect her space better.  Talking to her classmates, sitting on a bench after class are all invasive - you are pushing towards her.

Hey Starlight66  
Thank you so much for your post and I'm honestly honored you took the time out of your day to help me. Your words are so very positive and encouraging and I hope you to continue to post on here.  

I understand I am being a bit Invasive, although her classmates are also my classmates and friends I am a bit trying to "manipulate" the situation instead of letting it flow organically or trying to find "answers" to soothe my anxiety. I am finding excuses to include myself in anything that involves her which I should stop. Thank you for putting things in perspective for me.

There is something I would like to say to you.  If and when your ex comes back into your life you will both look back on this time apart and how you both acted.  If you have acted with dignity and strength it will be a very strong asset going forward.  If she can trust you to be a strong man for her while you are apart, it will give the best chance for the future.

I think she needs you to withdraw - to give her the genuine space she needs at this time.  If you open the space it may allow her to eventually move toward you.  In my case in took 18 months, then 7 months, then 2 months - but each time she came to me.

I think she will think about you much more than you will know.  I think you can get through this time apart and prove to her you can be strong with her, and strong without her.  I think she needs this from you.

Remember each person is different, but give yourself the best odds.

.

I am trying my best to become a strong and confident person. Her ex still stalks her to this day and she is absolutely afraid of him. Thats the last thing I want to do or seen as.

I am scared of space because I constantly think that space will help her move on, and possibly find someone new. Although these are all possibilites like Once removed says and it wont affect my chances, its just scary because I keep comparing my situation to when her ex and her broke up and she fell for me. She told me how happy she is with me, etc. And my insecurities think she will find someone else and do the same. She even tells me "out of sight, out of mind" or "i dont like space, i will move on and find someone new". And finally, she says "how she never chases or apologizes". So i always think I have to make the first move which most of the time I do. I hold these words to heart and I need to let it go, and its only meant in that moment.

 A part of this fear is after reading so many stories on here about how "BPD people dont want to be alone, and will move on to the next one and say the same thing and lovebomb and act like a victim". 85.6% of me knows my ex is not like this but reading the same thing everyday gets very detrimental and exhausting that you start believing it. You start to wonder if they had other people lined up behind your back. And all these fears come in my mind. I am doing more on working on this and accepting whatever happens, happens. i also read a lot on here that people with BPD rather start new than with their ex because of the shame and guilt they feel. Everything I read and hear Internalize unfortunately.

As well as watching all these relationship videos 24/7 for the past 4 months and advice on here it gets so confusing. But like Jessica84 beautifully mentioned, those videos cant really be applied to our partners.

I really need to work on myself and be that strong person for her. Im at the point right now, where I replay so many scenarios and moments and wish I did things better. I wish I was more available when she needed someone in her moments of crisis. I am scared she thinks I was never there or was a "___ty" boyfriend. I am too self critical on myself and my therapist brought this to my attention. I have to be so "perfect" and want to be like a Ryan Gosling.  

Thank you for your post, Starlight66. Hope to hear more from you. I need to start implementing being a strong partner for her. I want her to know i care and love her but I think she knows i do.

[CryWolf]

To add on, I keep blaming myself because I turned into a “beta” like male. I stopped driving all the way to her house and had her meet me halfway and she would always do that because my family moved about 10-15 min further. She would still agree to meet me. I stopped working as much and had to focus on my classes which meant I had no real money and when I did it was going to car maintenance or credit card bills or gas and groceries. I still would take her out when I could but we either split it or I would pay it. I would apologize when she had to pay and would tell her I’m her partner and want to always provide for her and that I’m sorry I cantat the moment. She was okay with It but overtime I’m sure it tiring. She also wasn’t working but had money saved up. Of course this affected our relationship and I keep telling myself why would she comeback to someone like me? I love her so much but school got in the way of so many things and being stressed about my gpa and getting into pharmacy school made me extremely anxious that I put it a priority before her. It was like this for the last 6 months of our relationship. And I think all she will associate me with is these times.

[Jessica84]

CryWolf - you are being too hard on yourself. It's great that you are reflecting on things you could've done differently, so you have better insight going forward, but you cannot change the past. It's ok. Forgive yourself. We have ALL made mistakes here. Part of being human, and not knowing the best ways to deal with this disorder. It's not an exact science, there's no one formula. What bothers them one moment, may not bother them the next. What works one time, may not work the next. It's like shooting a moving target. So it doesn't matter what she is thinking, feeling or even what she's saying to others. What matters is YOU. How YOU feel, how YOU plan to heal, doing what makes YOU happy. For once, make it all about YOU. Put lemons in your tea and enjoy it! 

[CryWolf]

So it doesn't matter what she is thinking, feeling or even what she's saying to others. What matters is YOU. How YOU feel, how YOU plan to heal, doing what makes YOU happy. For once, make it all about YOU. Put lemons in your tea and enjoy it! 

You’re so right! The whole day I did things for myself! I have been doing a lot better in my mind and not being in a cloudy fog all the time.

But right now, the dark thoughts came back. “Is she seeing anyone, does she like anyone? Is she doing what we used to do with someone else?”

I need to be strong. Right now. Stop reading about people with BPD will move on quickly and replace you like nothing and cheat on you. I have to stop thinking all people with BPD are the same. And trust my partner is different.

[starlight66]

It's great you had a better day CW - it's a very good start !

About the past - I have not read one thing in your posts which is not recoverable in my opinion.

To concentrate on your GPA so you can provide for your loved ones throughout life is one of the strongest things a man can do.  Don't be ashamed of it - be proud of it.  If this isn't a definition of love, I don't know what is.

So you weren't perfect - so what. 

It's not your job to be perfect. 

It's your job to do your best in life, keep learning and keep improving.  It's your job to be a man who acts with dignity and has self respect.  There is no place for perfection in the real world.

If money is an area you want to improve, then throw your energy into getting a summer job or extra part time work when at school.  If fitness is an area, then do an extra set of press ups at the end of gym - Do it for you & do it for her.  Build on it.

You don't always have to feel strong and you shouldn't try to always avoid feeling weak and scared - it's your actions that count !  Let the bad feelings come and go.

If anxiety is causing you problems, or causing you to do things you later regret,  then be strong enough to admit it to yourself and seek medical support to improve as a person and a man.

[CryWolf]

About the past - I have not read one thing in your posts which is not recoverable in my opinion.

To concentrate on your GPA so you can provide for your loved ones throughout life is one of the strongest things a man can do.  :)on't be ashamed of it - be proud of it.  If this isn't a definition of love, I don't know what is.

So you weren't perfect - so what.  

It's not your job to be perfect.  

It's your job to do your best in life, keep learning and keep improving.  It's your job to be a man who acts with dignity and has self respect.  There is no place for perfection in the real world.

If money is an area you want to improve, then throw your energy into getting a summer job or extra part time work when at school.  If fitness is an area, then do an extra set of press ups at the end of gym - Do it for you & do it for her.  Build on it.

You don't always have to feel strong and you shouldn't try to always avoid feeling weak and scared - it's your actions that count !  Let the bad feelings come and go.

Thank you for the motivating words Starlight
I know I did a lot for her that I dont think a lot of guys will do or tolerate. I am not trying to sound full of myself, but looking back now I did so much as well. Despite not always having money, I still would cook to make sure she ate. I would go out of my way and drop her off food from her favorite places. Even little things she likes just to make her smile. She has anxiety driving to the city so I would always offer. I know things she likes and things she doesnt like. One time, I was so broke in my life, car wasnt working, no job but I scraped every coin in my house and surprised her with food, borrowed grandparents car to drop off food for her, just to see her happy and surprise her. Buying her clothes. Her happiness was a priority for me.

I used to remind my ex, "dont my actions mean anything?" Moments where she thought I didnt love her, etc. I would remind her "why would I be doing all this for you/us" her response was always "who knows, i dont know your true intentions"

I need to stop blaming myself for things I didn't do, but also reflect on things I did do. I guess my insecurities are "i didnt do enough" or "i wasnt good enough" and think the next guy is going to be her "dream guy" and do everything I couldn't amount to. This is self destructive thinking I know. And i'm putting her on a pedestal. I wonder if she will ever realize everything I did for her and miss me?

I picked up two jobs! One job which helps me for my future when I go to grad school. When I got the job, I tried helping my ex find one too since we are in the same career profession. It seemed like she was a bit jealous of me. I started feeling that vibe from her. I was growing so much last semester. Doing well in my classes, hanging out with family and going places with them more.

I finally paid off my credit card bills! I feel so happy about this. The ironic thing is, when me and my ex aren't together I tend to have more money in my pocket than when i'm with her.

[starlight66]

Again every individual is different - I think she would realize how much you have done, or will in the future.

Is it possible she was/is worried about engulfment ?  Think hard - from a different perspective, although its impossible to know for sure. 

Kudos for the jobs.  She will notice when you shift focus to other things like work & she may get curious.

And it will be great if it turns out she was worried about engulfment, because it could turn things upside down for her.

But if engulfment wasn't an issue, it will still show her you are strong and getting on with life - always an attractive quality.

[CryWolf]

Again every individual is different - I think she would realize how much you have done, or will in the future.

Is it possible she was/is worried about engulfment ?  Think hard - from a different perspective, although its impossible to know for sure.  

Kudos for the jobs.  She will notice when you shift focus to other things like work & she may get curious.

And it will be great if it turns out she was worried about engulfment, because it could turn things upside down for her.

But if engulfment wasn't an issue, it will still show her you are strong and getting on with life - always an attractive quality.

When Tattered Heart first mentioned it and sent the link, things made much more sense to me. But I hope I don't misunderstand.

Reasons why I think she may have been engulfed, one time she told me she was lucky to have me, Im all she has, or even that I was a dream come true and she would think this was too good to be true based on her relationships with other people, ie friends, ex, parents. I was always there for her, listening to her, encouraging her to talk and express herself.

Leading up to our breakup: End of october it was her bday and she travelled with her father to a family wedding out of state. We texted all night and were cute with each other and i was keeping her company. She came back and said we should go together and travel there and she wants to take me to this restaurant there.

November comes, and school gets so stressful. She gave my bday present 2 weeks before my bday. This was suspicious to me. I asked her why so early? and she said "im not sure if we are going to see each other then" My birthday is on thanksgiving and we have a week off then and I somewhat understand her view. But I did invite her over for thanksgiving and she never gave me an answer. She started hanging out with her female bestfriend a lot, and i did become a bit jealous of her time. She was texting less, and less affectionate and I was becoming anxious. She did invite me one time to get food with her friend around midnight but I couldnt due to having early morning classes. I kept trying to see her and she would say "we'll see" or she was busy with papers and projects for school. I felt so pushed away, and she was putting her bestfriend before me and just pushing me away. I tried kissing her a few times when we saw each other and she would pucker her lips in, so our lips wont touch. It made me feel like something was wrong with me or she didnt love me anymore. I didnt know why she was doing this. I felt like she was slipping away and i was getting anxious.

Then the week before my birthday she told me she couldnt hang out anymore after hanging out with her friend and she had to do her reports for school. I said "if you dont want to see me anymore just say so". we then argued and she said Im always assuming"

She stopped replying and I asked later that night, ":)o you want to work on this relationship or are you leaving?" Next day at school we walk past each other and our class is side by side, she awkwardly smiles.

She then texts me 20 minutes after class started and said "Leaving". I said thank you for everything and my goodbyes. And then she says "I meant leaving class... .but okay keep assuming what you want" and "I told her you cant say leaving, after I ask if your leaving the relationship" She proceeded to tell me how Im a great guy but we should be friends, and I told her i didnt want that. I want romance and intimacy. She said she will never see me romantically again. She said I was needy and that shes sorry I didnt get enough affection growing up from my parents. This hurt me so bad. We argued. She told me to think about. I told her I didnt want to be friends but Ill try, and she said that means I cant do anymore romantic gestures for her. I told her no promises because I love her still. I asked her, "how is it so easy for you to cut this off?" She told me, " this is going to hurt me too" A couple days before my bday we tried being friends and I asked if she wanted to come over and would have and said "i would really love to come over but it was late and her parents wouldnt approve" and it was like we never really broke up...

Then my birthday came. She didnt have money but I took her out and we went to one of the first places we went when we first started dating. She got so happy there. We were making plans to go to a state in the north and travel there for spring break, etc. Then we took pictures together and walked around and it was such a beautiful happy moment.

Then we left, and i told her I had somewhere to be. She became anxious, and asked "where are you going?" And i told her, "thanksgiving dinner with my family remember?" I took her home, and then when i drop her off, she says "she wanted to meet my 1 year old baby brother".
I didnt know if this meant she wanted to go to family dinner now or what, but before that she told me her family was having dinner themselves. So im not sure what she wanted. but we made plans to see each other after dinner. However at dinner, it ended a bit late and I had to wake up at 3am to work a 12 hour black friday shift. She packed me food from her family dinner and really wanted to see me but we promised we will after I get off work. During my shift, I sent her a picture and she said "yesterday was a mistake. I knew I shouldnt have hung out with you. You cant text me like that" and i told her how much i love her and its hard to just revert to old ways. Then we argued for a week or two and she asked me if i wanted to be friends and I told her "no, I couldnt see her with someone else when i have feelings for her and it would be a disservice to both of us. I didnt want my friendship to be phony for her when i want more" . We argued (pleading) a few more days, told her we can be friends (to keep her in my life) but she said "no i gave you two chances" then she said "im done with you".  

Sorry if this is too long or being repeated again but I wanted to try to include every detail so nothing gets misinterpreted and get outside opinions on the situation. Thank you for all the help and if you made it this far.



 

[starlight66]

Ok... .so she said she thinks you are needy. 

The good news is I can only see positives if you now give her space and focus on advancing your life.

By shifting your focus from her, it proves you dont need her. 

You may still want her, but this is a very different mindset.  Wanting but not Needing is a very strong mindset, and is opposite to neediness.  People will start to notice a difference in you - she will also.

Honestly, I really don't think the small details matter much.  Just concentrate on going forward to redefine yourself as someone who isn't needy.  And remember the odds are in your favor.

[CryWolf]

Ok... .so she said she thinks you are needy.  

The good news is I can only see positives if you now give her space and focus on advancing your life.

By shifting your focus from her, it proves you dont need her.  

You may still want her, but this is a very different mindset.  Wanting but not Needing is a very strong mindset, and is opposite to neediness.  People will start to notice a difference in you - she will also.

Honestly, I really don't think the small details matter much.  Just concentrate on going forward to redefine yourself as someone who isn't needy.  And remember the odds are in your favor.

Thank you for your response, and I couldn't agree more. I am doing my best to give her this space. Plus I dont have a choice because Im blocked on everything and she has this "out of sight out of mind" policy. Forcing myself to go out so i can stop thinking about her. These past two days she's been on my mind less and less. Its making me afraid because i think this will be it. . The urges to check her social media are a lot less, sometimes I want to check but I know it wont get me anywhere and sets me back. The thoughts and fears of her seeing someone else ruminate but I push it aside right when it comes and accept it could be a possibility.


Im feeling a lot better, and I tell myself the possibility she wont come back and i did my best. Im trying to accept it and move on because i just dont want to wait for something that might not happen. She is the most stubborn and prideful person so I accept it. Right now, my focus is on myself. Im doing everything me and her used to do but myself. All the plans we made but myself. Im also posting this on my social media and Im sure she sees it.  

[CryWolf]

I noticed that my anxiety sky rockets when I go to school due to the possibility of seeing her. That guy she mentions on her blog(friend) came up to me today before class and gave me a fist bump.

Today after class, I decided to go a couple food places me and my ex went together but myself. I sit alone and take pics and am become better at just being alone. I’m also taking pics and posting them on social media. Hopefully she sees it and sees that I’m living my life and happy. I remember her mentioning her ex one time when we were together and how he fell rock bottom, so I’m sure she keeps a tab on me too. She even told me during one of our breakups that she doesn’t know if this is what she wants and that she might regret it one day.


Oh and she still has a picture of us on her Facebook.

Just venting right now. Thank you to anyone reading and replying.

[CryWolf]

UPDATE: nothing major happened. Me and her friend who is also in my class talked for a bit before class, small talk. Then I sat next to him in class, our class is super small Nd so many open seats. He was showing me pics of his hobby, etc. later I asked him a question and it was about dating and he said “he’s not interested in dating and probably not for a long long time”. So that kind of soothes my anxiety about him not having anything going on with my ex. I really think they are Friends and if they were talking/dating, he wouldn’t be so nice and friendly to me. He wouldn’t talk to me before class either or greet me. I gave him a ton of  info about myself like hobbies, interests that I still don’t think he still knows who I am. I asked if he wanted to follow each other on social media and he agreed. We walked and talked after class because our classes are in same building and then he gave me another fist bump before he left for class. I really wanted to bring up “oh do you know ____(my ex)” because they are in same class but I know this would only cause more problems and would get back to my ex that I’m asking about her. I was so anxious and wanted to ask but I didn’t. Proud of myself but still anxious about my ex and if she moved on.

I ask myself. Why am I trying to get close to this guy? He seems nice and is very friendly. He gave me gum before an exam. Maybe he can be a good friend. But I don’t want to come off as I’m just using this guy for information which kind of seems true. I guess what I’m hoping for him to mention my ex to me first. Or waiting for any sign to find out she’s with someone else. This isn’t good because it’ll happen if I think like this and unconsciously make it happen. I want to detach so my ex comes back but at the same time I keep drawing myself to anything that involves her. I’ve already sent that Email to her and it’s only been a week. She is so stubborn and prideful that she “has to make a point” and I think she’ll just find someone else rather than get back with me. All speculations of course but my assumptions.

[CryWolf]

Wow to add on to my other posts, I thought I didn’t need to update again, BUT

after my night class I walk with my classmate and we bump into another friend. We talk and I see one of the other guys/classmate my ex talks about on her blog. He’s sitting alone. I use the restroom, then get done before my friends and sit in one of the couches next to him, it was the only seats and ask “if it’s okay I sit here” he said yea. At this time I became a bit anxious and I didn’t want to make it awkward because I know my ex most likely talks bad about me to him so I wanted to introduce myself and come off as nice. She has made posts about her friends giving her advice. Not sure if I made a mistake and my ex finds out and thinks I’m a stalker or whatever. Our school is just very small. She did see me talking with my friends so I doubt she would think that. Idk. I did introduce myself to the guy and now I know who both guys are, and one is a classmate/friend while the other idk and just didn’t want to be awkward.

Some girls walked by from my class and we were laughing and joking and I think he might tell her so it’ll be good on my part.

I say “oh hey I think you were in ___ class and I didn’t formally introduce myself when __ mentioned you” (from last week when I bumped  into my classmate that’s in my ex class which is the other guy she talks about on her blog”

He said oh no problem and we shook hands and he told me his name. My friends come out and we are just talking there for a bit.

 And then my ex walks past us, she sees me and turns her head and walks out.

I’m surprised she didn’t go up to other guy that she keeps posting about on her blog like they are close. She just walked out and didn’t even acknowledge him and I’m thinking if they are such close friends wouldn’t you say bye to another?

Then my friends and I leave and the guy comes after us and is picked up from someone. I became so anxious and built scenarios in my head that 1) he was waiting for her. 2) he was waiting for us to leave so they could meet up.

I really want to detach and get away from the situation but everywhere I go something occurs. I could have ignored him and honestly it’s my fault for introducing myself and this could be a huge backfire.

Thoughts? This sounds like high school. Lmao

[starlight66]

You did well CryWolf.  Heck - you are in the same school so you shouldn't be hiding.

It's good you got insight about the other guy and it eased your anxiety, but I wouldn't make a habit of this with every new guy she's friends with... .because there is a danger she could interpret this as you being weak. 

But it also proves she hasn't been talking about you to these other guys much.

Anyway, sounds like you were on an even level with these guys.  Keep it that way and don't suck up to them.  Remember to always act from a position of strength - even if you have to fake it for a while.

Good you are doing things by yourself and posting pics.  Have you thought of trying something completely new that you didn't discuss with your ex ?  Something that would really take her by surprise and maybe get her curious ?

[Inko51]

I last had a text from my exgirlfriend on the 02 Feb 2018 - she dumped me suddenly as often appears to be the case, but we continued to text one another throughout Jan 2018. This was frustrating as her texts were so up and down. One minute she was nice and then she was complaining about all the things I'd allegedly done wrong. I became emotionally exhausted after a while and suggested some temporary space, so she then said, "I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me everywhere". And she did. So my NC is a forced I guess, so maybe not quite the same.

I did reach out with a few letters in Feb 2018, just saying she was important to me (she accused me of not caring about her) and they were all friendly (even included a drawing of her dog which I had not had the opportunity to give her). I did not hear anything. The final letter I sent just said, 'I would now not make further contact, but should she ever change her mind then she knows where I am and wished her well for the future'. So I would say in real terms the NC for me started from the end of Feb 2018. Heard nothing! Actually, not strictly true, as a few days after my final letter I received a phone call from the police saying she did not want any further contact and a clean break and in their opinion it was best to leave her be otherwise it could stray into legal issues. I therefore have no option but to be in NC, which was my plan anyway. Hence my final letter. I felt I did all I could and to this day I don't even know why I was dumped in real terms. Deeply in love one week, dumped a few days later. Such is life!

I too don't understand the 30 day rule which is peddled out there. If someone has dumped you, then the reaching out should really come from them however long it takes. From what I read from the more reputable coaches, it is about your own value and if you break NC, then the other person (dumper) remains in control and if the relationship resumes (and don't get me wrong I wish mine could), it would start from a position of unequality as the dumper has done nothing to fight for you back and therefore your value remains low. We tend to value what does not come easy to us.

Looking forward, assuming breaking NC works and she does return, I guess there is also the distinct possibility that being dumped again becomes a reality and I would imagine in the back of your mind you would worry that it could happen again if someone is so readily able to dump you. This would make for a stressful existence. Again to me this just reinforces why the dumper needs to remain the lead on any reconciliation. I also read that if they (dumper) does not make contact then you can rest assured no other method would have worked anyway. So NC is a win-win really. If they truly love you then they will return, but if they don't then you are better placed having healed yourself to a degree, to then move on. My texting period did not help at all in my opinion as borne out. 

[starlight66]

I agree with others on this site & I can't see NC doing anything much long term without personal improvements being made.

However, the big positive is it stops someone chasing and stops engulfment of a BPD; which really is just about self respect and getting strong again.

I would also say not initiating contact, but being prepared to respond, is quite different to NC.

[CryWolf]

Good you are doing things by yourself and posting pics.  Have you thought of trying something completely new that you didn't discuss with your ex ?  Something that would really take her by surprise and maybe get her curious ?

Yes! I picked up a nice camera to focus on photography. It’s something we both were into but never really discussed and not had the money to get into before. I did promise her I wanted to buy her a camera because I want her to be engaged in things she loves. I still want to do this for her one day but the time isn’t right at the moment. Even if I may never hear from her again, I want to get it for her, I know it sounds dumb but I genuinely want to do something loving for her even if it’s at a losing point from my end. I started taking more pics of nature and scenery. Showing I’m traveling again and exploring without her. I want to show her I’m living my best life with or without her. I did post a picture of a pretty underrated popular book I started reading and I was never really the “reader type”.  I started going to music shows again and posting that.

Completely new and out of the blue? I’m not sure to be honest. I am planning on possibly going on a trip to Europe this summer. It’s somewhere I always wanted to go but not compared to her. She always dreamed and is obsessed with traveling there. Maybe this will make her amazed. Also have a trip coming up with some friends to Disney world.

Any ideas on what I can do new? I have been thinking of doing charity work!
 These are my current hobbies/interests: gym/basketball,  photography, working on starting clothing brand (she was supportive as heck), cars are a hobby (one she didn’t like), I like trying new food places (same with her), trying to get back into hiking (she loves hiking).

.

However, the big positive is it stops someone chasing and stops engulfment of a BPD; which really is just about self respect and getting strong again.

I would also say not initiating contact, but being prepared to respond, is quite different to NC.

Yes, after seeing her last night my brain wanted to go after her and talk. This is  what usually happens after each break up. But my body fought the urges and stuck to the seat. I was so proud of myself for not going after her. I want her to feel safe and secure with me and that I’m a strong and confident man she wants to be with.

I am 100% sure she will never initiate contact again  she has her pride and ego in the way and I think i really hurt her by not wanting to be friends and the Jading. I’m an learning to accept this fate.

I too don't understand the 30 day rule which is peddled out there. If someone has dumped you, then the reaching out should really come from them however long it takes. From what I read from the more reputable coaches, it is about your own value and if you break NC, then the other person (dumper) remains in control and if the relationship resumes (and don't get me wrong I wish mine could), it would start from a position of unequality as the dumper has done nothing to fight for you back and therefore your value remains low. We tend to value what does not come easy to us.

Looking forward, assuming breaking NC works and she does return, I guess there is also the distinct possibility that being dumped again becomes a reality and I would imagine in the back of your mind you would worry that it could happen again if someone is so readily able to dump you. This would make for a stressful existence. Again to me this just reinforces why the dumper needs to remain the lead on any reconciliation. I also read that if they (dumper) does not make contact then you can rest assured no other method would have worked anyway. So NC is a win-win really. If they truly love you then they will return, but if they don't then you are better placed having healed yourself to a degree, to then move on. My texting period did not help at all in my opinion as borne out.  

I’m sorry about your situation, Inko. When a pBPD leaves us, we feel so broken and empty. Like a hollow shell. It takes time to find that inner peace and self worth again. Or at least in my case it’s something im still working on. I hope you are recovering well and thank you for posting.

I couldn’t agree more with you! This is something I have been studying and understanding since the breakup. I think the 30 day rule is utter BS. It takes longer than that for a person to make genuine changes in their life and you can’t put a timeframe on someone missing you. I learned that exes are never 100% sure when breaking up and my ex wasn’t sure either. She was wishy washy.

The person that does the breakup has to be the one that comes back and it’s their idea. Otherwise if you constantly go back to them you lose respect for yourself over time and you become devalued. I felt this way and in the back of my mind was constantly afraid of when is the next break up. I also feel that if someone doesn’t respect you they don’t love you, and I would tell my ex this because it was how I felt a lot of times.  

Thank you for sharing that thoughtful and well written response, Inko  


I guess my fears are: she will never miss me and come back.

[Inko51]

Thanks Crywolf, I do really hope it goes okay for you. Yes, I can fully understand that fear of thinking she won't miss you, but I do remember reading somewhere for someone to truly miss you then you have to remove your presence completely.  And completely agree, if someone does not respect you then it's hard to imagine they love you. I don't know whether you have seen the You Tube videos of Dating Guy. He has a good one on NC and explains it really well (link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3U0qJ6jej0&t=1s

It's such a shame we have to engage in tactics such as NC and the like, but we are left with very few options as a dumpee. I did start to read all this breakup material and even downloaded some of the materials (paid for!), but then I kind of got to thinking, if I am having to do all these strategies and almost become someone else and not authentic in the process something is clearly wrong. Personally I now believe the only effective way is to go NC to at least give recovery time if nothing else.

I feel it's really too late for me now sadly as I think I messed up big time by engaging in texting and letter writing post-breakup. I can't help feeling if I'd have gone NC when she first instigated the split, well, I probably would not need to be writing this now. It's also sad that we feel nothing has changed, but for them it has.

I now get okay days and rubbish days. Today funnily enough is the latter. But I always come back to the notion I gave it my best shot.

[Tattered Heart]

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