I feel like a wounded animal

[BuildingFromScratch]

First, I wanted to thank the people on this site, and the mods and people who run the site for giving me support and understanding already. Also, I'd like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Kenya. :P Anyways, this site has been invaluable, but I need to search in other places for support. I really do not know where to go though. Let me dive into what I deal with on a daily and weekly basis.

1) I feel scared of reality, I'll call this partial disassociation. Where I don't focus on my surroundings much and just spin my mind up and cause my own anxiety. The truth is I disassociated and ran around my house in a constant panic for ten of the years we were together, so it might be due to that.

2) I feel somatic symptoms, like I'm always hyperventilating or holding my breath. Also weird, numbness, aches and pains and tightness through out my upper body, that get worse with stress, it's pretty terrible.

3) I feel like a wounded animal and like something is inherently wrong with me. Also, I get weird emotions that I can't even explain and are quite terrible.

4) I feel like I'm not even a person anymore. I used to be a good listener/helper, but the truth is I've simply got nothing left to give. None of my emotional needs are met.

5) I learned that I have learned helplessness, which really makes me feel helpless. Bad joke #2.

6) I feel emotionally enslaved to others, even my pets. Like I feel an extremely strong sense of obligation. Which causes internal struggle.

7) Indifference. At a certain point, when I lost all hope (from this relationship). I just went emotionally catatonic and have always felt a lot of indifference since then.

Anyways, I've had bad experiences with my last counselor. I don't really engage people very well anymore. I'm trying to get help. I really do want out of this. I'm tired of the constant pain. All I want from life is to feel closer to my friends and family and pets and to not feel overwhelmed or empty anymore. I have suffered with mental illness all of my life. But it's like a hundred times worse now. I just wish I could find support groups that fit my symptoms more. I wish I could find a diagnosis that fits. And I wish the mental health care system knew how to help me, because I don't. I am ready to put more effort into fixing myself. I just need some direction.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate it. Sorry I don't engage more and give back to the community as much as others do. I wish I had it in me to do so.

[Blimblam]

I'm sorry man.  But I think depersonalization has similarities with a sort of schizoid manic condition.  The book the betrayl of the body might be a good place to start and maybe a practice like tai chi. Then maybe try finding a psychologist that is more specialized. Perhaps a psychoanalyst.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Yeah, I agree, I honestly think I could be a schizoid. I've always had this ridiculous objectivity that overshadows my soul.

I'll check out that book. I don't read much to be honest. Part of the not being a good listener thing. I do think like half of these problems are the depersonalization. But the other half are probably some sort of PTSD. I just wish there was support for either one... .Most PTSD support is focused on combat vets, and they really do not like people who have not experienced a lot of physical violence to invade their territory. Also, I have no money, so I'm limited by Obamacare, I think it's unlikely that I could go to a specialist.

Anyways, thanks for offering advice Blim. I appreciate it.

[Blimblam]

Personally I think understaning psychology is pretty important to getting in touch with aspects of ones own psyche to sort of understand the imbalances involved. To understand the inner conflict. A lot of eastern traditions have a lot of practices to ground one in their body.  The thing is that their philosophies are based in the structure of thier culture so are difficult for westerners to access.  Understanding psychology the psychoanalytic traditions and then reading Carl Jung can sort of bridge the understanding of psychology to spiritual traditions if you are intersted. A lot of those eastern traditions are about energy flow.  Coming from the west I think starting from psychology and then working from there is a good way to bridge west to easy.  Carl jungs model of the psyche and psychological functions is pretty deep stuff about energy flow and his model of the psyche is basically the yin yang.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Personally I think understaning psychology is pretty important to getting in touch with aspects of ones own psyche to sort of understand the imbalances involved. To understand the inner conflict. A lot of eastern traditions have a lot of practices to ground one in their body.  The thing is that their philosophies are based in the structure of thier culture so are difficult for westerners to access.  Understanding psychology the psychoanalytic traditions and then reading Carl Jung can sort of bridge the understanding of psychology to spiritual traditions if you are intersted. A lot of those eastern traditions are about energy flow.  Coming from the west I think starting from psychology and then working from there is a good way to bridge west to easy.  Carl jungs model of the psyche and psychological functions is pretty deep stuff about energy flow and his model of the psyche is basically the yin yang.

I might check Carl Jung out when I'm doing better. I've spent a good part of the last  3-4 years figuring out my ex-girlfriend and the struggles of the human ego. I do think I understand the psychology. I'm just kind of bad at applying it? I need my emotions to run through me, I need to cry myself out of this for the most part. With some positive thinking and affirmations thrown in.

[Blimblam]

Personally I think understaning psychology is pretty important to getting in touch with aspects of ones own psyche to sort of understand the imbalances involved. To understand the inner conflict. A lot of eastern traditions have a lot of practices to ground one in their body.  The thing is that their philosophies are based in the structure of thier culture so are difficult for westerners to access.  Understanding psychology the psychoanalytic traditions and then reading Carl Jung can sort of bridge the understanding of psychology to spiritual traditions if you are intersted. A lot of those eastern traditions are about energy flow.  Coming from the west I think starting from psychology and then working from there is a good way to bridge west to easy.  Carl jungs model of the psyche and psychological functions is pretty deep stuff about energy flow and his model of the psyche is basically the yin yang.

I might check Carl Jung out when I'm doing better. I've spent a good part of the last  3-4 years figuring out my ex-girlfriend and the struggles of the human ego. I do think I understand the psychology. I'm just kind of bad at applying it? I need my emotions to run through me, I need to cry myself out of this for the most part. With some positive thinking and affirmations thrown in.

Carl Jung is great but I think starting with betrayl of the body might be a good place to start. Then perhaps some object relations psychoanalysis type books before Jung. Jungs stuff is written in a really rambling style and is more difficult to understand than object relations stuff and I think should be ballanced with other schools of psychology that are in my opinion more in depth and clear about a lot of specifics. The others schools are a lot more concrete in their concepts and I think is a better starting point.  Jungs stuff is pretty abstract and a good bridge to any cultures spirituality.

[Blimblam]

Really though if you havnt read it I highly suggest you read the search for the real self by masterson. It will help make sense of BPD to depersonalize it and can be a good introduction to the object relations model to the psyche. When combined with the schema modes and the karpman triangle can really illuminate wtf happened.

[Pingo]

I'm sorry for your struggles BuildingfromScratch.  I can relate to some of the things you are going through, especially the somatic symptoms you mention.  I, like Blim, love to read about psychology to try to understand the meaning behind things.  But I know for myself that I can get stuck here (in my head).  Both the T's I've had talk about getting in touch with the body, feeling the pain in the body (as Blim often talks about).  Meditation, yoga, tai chi, exercise, nature... .these are all good ways to connect to the body.  You cannot 'analyse' your pain away.  For me, I have been really good at numbing my pain or denying it altogether... .until this year when I couldn't ignore it any longer.  The toll is too great.  Don't give up trying to find a counsellor that is a good fit for you, I went through a couple before I found the one I'm with now and she's awesome.

[BuildingFromScratch]

For me, I have been really good at numbing my pain or denying it altogether... .until this year when I couldn't ignore it any longer.  The toll is too great.  Don't give up trying to find a counsellor that is a good fit for you, I went through a couple before I found the one I'm with now and she's awesome.

Yeah, I'm hopeful about this new one. I've done the same, denied my pain and numbed myself for like 13 years? And I still have to process a lot of it. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I guess I just need to view pain and tears as a good thing, not something to be scared of. I cried for like a month and it was relentless, it did help, but eventually I got scared and ran from it again. Thanks for your concern.

[Perfidy]

Building, I sure remember feeling like that. Our relationships with BPD are the equivalent of living out a psychological thriller. With time, the suffering will ease. As the memories and feelings associated leave, a good mental health professional does help move relief closer. My personal experience is similar to what you describe. I had to find a counselor that treated me more like a friend than a "case", or a client. I understand that.

I was introduced to mindfulness by a good therapist. This introduction led to several doors opening for me, one of them meditation. She explains to me that many therapy methods have origin in eastern philosophy. I became proactive in my healing. I became focused on my self. I now want to know my human self to the fullest degree possible.

I learned that as humans, we are complex and have parts that compose what we call our self. Mind and body are two parts that are possessed by the whole person, or, the self. The mind is a tool. The mind functions and serves best when razor sharp. We become the masters of our minds instead of a slave to our negative emotions. Meditation, practiced often, will train the mind and maintain its sharpness.

I hope this helps you and doesn't make it seem unrealistic. This works for me and it may also work for you to achieve calm.

[Grey Kitty]

  Man, that list you started with is overwhelming. I wish I had more to offer you. Here are a few thoughts:

First, you mention Buddha. I've found that my mindfulness meditation practice has helped me a lot. If you can manage even 15 or just 5 minutes daily, it helps. Just showing up and trying to practice, no matter how little you feel like you achieve mindfulness helps. If you can find some sort of local Sangha to join I'd recommend that too. The funny thing is that I'm very intellectual and analytical, and explaining how or why the practice works is beyond me. I just know that it does good things for me.

You may find applying mindfulness to your crazy emotions or somatic symptoms is helpful as well.

Sitting with your feelings is important. It can be overwhelming. Be gentle with yourself--it shouldn't be a death march to stay with your feelings. While I don't recommend checking out (and I've done it for years myself!), there is a real point where you have exhausted your capacity to be with those feelings. It is OK to stop when you hit that point. The feelings will be back later when you have recovered.

Good luck finding a therapist that can help you. It may take a few more to find the right one.

AFAIK, a r/s like you've been in can indeed give you PTSD, so you don't have to rule that out. Honestly I've got no idea what sort of diagnosis you might have, or if the label for it even matters.

[BuildingFromScratch]

 Man, that list you started with is overwhelming. I wish I had more to offer you. Here are a few thoughts:

First, you mention Buddha. I've found that my mindfulness meditation practice has helped me a lot. If you can manage even 15 or just 5 minutes daily, it helps. Just showing up and trying to practice, no matter how little you feel like you achieve mindfulness helps. If you can find some sort of local Sangha to join I'd recommend that too. The funny thing is that I'm very intellectual and analytical, and explaining how or why the practice works is beyond me. I just know that it does good things for me.

You may find applying mindfulness to your crazy emotions or somatic symptoms is helpful as well.

Sitting with your feelings is important. It can be overwhelming. Be gentle with yourself--it shouldn't be a death march to stay with your feelings. While I don't recommend checking out (and I've done it for years myself!), there is a real point where you have exhausted your capacity to be with those feelings. It is OK to stop when you hit that point. The feelings will be back later when you have recovered.

Good luck finding a therapist that can help you. It may take a few more to find the right one.

AFAIK, a r/s like you've been in can indeed give you PTSD, so you don't have to rule that out. Honestly I've got no idea what sort of diagnosis you might have, or if the label for it even matters.

I agree with what you and Perfidy are saying. For a while I was meditating and reading a lot about Buddhism. It definitely helped. I guess I stopped once my counselor started scolding me and being hard on me. Also, I told her that I watched a Buddhism video and I felt hopeful that day and she responded with "What are you going to do? like just being hopeful wasn't enough. Gotta be honest, I should probably report her to her boss, she set me back a lot.

[Grey Kitty]

I find that the practice of mindfulness meditation does me a lot more good than reading/watching stuff that gives me an intellectual understanding of it. Which is tough, because I LIKE being analytical much better.

More often than not, what comes up during meditation is not easy hopeful stuff, but instead unpleasant emotions and difficult things. Especially when you are starting out, after going through something this difficult!

Impermanence is always there. That horrible feeling will pass sometime. Guaranteed. This is comforting when you really don't like what you are feeling.

Still, the basic premise of Buddhism is hopeful:

1. There is suffering.

2. Attachment is the cause of the suffering.

3. There is a path to let go of the attachment and stop suffering.

The WORK of part three sure isn't easy. Of course I still WANT an easier way, but I'm accepting that lots of people have looked and I don't have any reports of somebody who found an easier one, so I'm still working it. The progress I've made so far helps me keep going.

[Perfidy]

BFS, when my counselor saw that I was able to achieve calming through meditation, she introduced me to other things associated with eastern philosophy. Chakras. Energy centers, triangles where energies that are part of the aggregate of self intersect with one another. She saw my positive response and kind of gave me a nudge in that direction. I didn't know until I started using her services that modern western psychotherapy takes its form from ancient eastern philosophy. Of course, always consult your doctor before using any practice to change your health. One small thing that I do often, at least once a day, I take my right thumb and use it to close my right nostril and inhale deeply and fully through my left nostril three times. Then I use the index finger of my right hand to close the left nostril and then inhale three times through my right nostril. Then I inhale deeply through both nostrils, for a total of nine breaths. This produces a noticible increase in clarity of my mind. I use this as a preparation for meditation. Beginning meditations, breath. Simply be mindful of your body breathing. Just breathe normally and be mindful of it. The beginning of self awareness. The preparation alone promotes calming. At first, I didn't notice much change, I held on to my anxiety, but I persisted with meditation and now I practice at least once a day. Sometimes the world seems surreal as a result. I find my self immersed in serenity for no particular reason. I hope you can find something that brings peace to your mind.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Thanks again for all the input guys! I will definitely work on being mindful again. I also really need to talk to myself positively. I find that I catastrophize things and make things worse for myself. I'm feeling a little bit hopeful about my new counselor, which is great since my last one was really rude to me.

[Blimblam]

I've been thinking about your situation building.

So using the MBTI model, your dominant psychological functions are introverted feeling and extraverted intuition.  In your relationship though you were conditioned to not trust your intuition and repress your feelings effectively tearing appart your ego and sense of self thus depersonalization.  So to me it would make sense to get your Extraveted intuition activated to make sense of what happened and link it back to your feelings.  Learning to trust your intuition again. I suggest reading a bunch of psychoanalysis theories and books.  A good book that is very very INFP way of understaning connections is cloud atlas.  There are a lot of INFP authors such as shel Silverstein. The author of whinnie the pooh, tolkien to name a few.  The book the smith of major Wootan is a good about the ability INFPs have and to trust it. tolkien went through world war 1 and suffered shell shock and writing those books was a way to help him process and make sense of truama in a very INFP way.  

The transformative hero in just about every myth is an INFP or were written by INFPs. Frodo from LOTr is an INFP, Luke skywalker an INFP, neo in the matrix an INFP, willie wonka and Charlie in Charlie and the chocolate factory are INFPs, Christopher Robin in whinnie the pooh is an INFP, Tommie in rug rats an INFP, Calvin In Calvin in Hobbes an InFP, the female character in Peter Pan an INfP, shakspear am INFP, Homer the Greek poet an INFP, the little prince is an INFP.  Etc Etc.  So reading these types of stories you will identify yourself in them.

What I Am saying is don't conform to other people's standards be yourself.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I've been thinking about your situation building.

So using the MBTI model, your dominant psychological functions are introverted feeling and extraverted intuition.  In your relationship though you were conditioned to not trust your intuition and repress your feelings effectively tearing appart your ego and sense of self thus depersonalization.  So to me it would make sense to get your Extraveted intuition activated to make sense of what happened and link it back to your feelings.  Learning to trust your intuition again. I suggest reading a bunch of psychoanalysis theories and books.  A good book that is very very INFP way of understaning connections is cloud atlas.  There are a lot of INFP authors such as shel Silverstein. The author of whinnie the pooh, tolkien to name a few.  The book the smith of major Wootan is a good about the ability INFPs have and to trust it. tolkien went through world war 1 and suffered shell shock and writing those books was a way to help him process and make sense of truama in a very INFP way.  

The transformative hero in just about every myth is an INFP or were written by INFPs. Frodo from LOTr is an INFP, Luke skywalker an INFP, neo in the matrix an INFP, willie wonka and Charlie in Charlie and the chocolate factory are INFPs, Christopher Robin in whinnie the pooh is an INFP, Tommie in rug rats an INFP, Calvin In Calvin in Hobbes an InFP, the female character in Peter Pan an INfP, shakspear am INFP, Homer the Greek poet an INFP, the little prince is an INFP.  Etc Etc.  So reading these types of stories you will identify yourself in them.

What I Am saying is don't conform to other people's standards be yourself.

Thanks for all the input Blim. You're INFP too right? Because we are both the same, and I can't remember what I am. I pretty much LOVE all of those characters. What about Eeyore, what's your take on him? LOL He was my favorite. Honestly I love children's books, more truth in those things than a thousand "adult" books. I do think it would touch me and open me up to read those books. I used to believe I had an amazing intuition, and could judge people well... .but um, look at who I trusted? SATAN! Joking, but yeah, it's hard to trust my intuition when I trusted someone so absolutely blindly that I've literally lost my humanity and struggle just to make it through the day.

[Panda39]

I cried for like a month and it was relentless, it did help, but eventually I got scared and ran from it again. Thanks for your concern.

BuildingFromScratch,

I had a breakdown... .that morphed into breakthroughs a few years ago. 

I can tell you I cried for a year.  I let out the pain of over 20 years that I stuffed and held in.  I cried when I had a revelation of some kind... .it validated for me that I was on to something.  Crying is okay.   :'( :'( :'(

During this period I was not formally in therapy but had two good friends one a psychologist and the other a grief counselor that were instrumental in assisting me down the road I was on. However, most of it was just me letting things come to the surface, facing them, learning new ways to approach things, letting some things go and learning forgiveness.  During that period I found writing in a journal was really helpful... .a place to put all of those feelings and thoughts that swirl around in your head.  I could write it down, let it go for the time being and revisit those thoughts when I had time to dedicate to it.  Sometimes in the writing things down, something I wrote would just jump right out at me that I had never seen that way before.  I wrote down my dreams and had several revelations that came from them as well.  I started sharing what was going on with me with others and re-connected with family.  As far as physical activity, I became a major walker... .helped with physical fitness, got me out in the sunshine, got those endorphins going, gave me a space to get inside my head and yes I cried while I was walking too 

You might be stuck but it's only temporary. You will find your way because you are asking for help and ideas.  I just know you will hit on an approach to things that will resonate with you and you will run with it.   

Take Care 

[BuildingFromScratch]

I cried for like a month and it was relentless, it did help, but eventually I got scared and ran from it again. Thanks for your concern.

BuildingFromScratch,

I had a breakdown... .that morphed into breakthroughs a few years ago. 

I can tell you I cried for a year.  I let out the pain of over 20 years that I stuffed and held in.  I cried when I had a revelation of some kind... .it validated for me that I was on to something.  Crying is okay.   :'( :'( :'(

During this period I was not formally in therapy but had two good friends one a psychologist and the other a grief counselor that were instrumental in assisting me down the road I was on. However, most of it was just me letting things come to the surface, facing them, learning new ways to approach things, letting some things go and learning forgiveness.  During that period I found writing in a journal was really helpful... .a place to put all of those feelings and thoughts that swirl around in your head.  I could write it down, let it go for the time being and revisit those thoughts when I had time to dedicate to it.  Sometimes in the writing things down, something I wrote would just jump right out at me that I had never seen that way before.  I wrote down my dreams and had several revelations that came from them as well.  I started sharing what was going on with me with others and re-connected with family.  As far as physical activity, I became a major walker... .helped with physical fitness, got me out in the sunshine, got those endorphins going, gave me a space to get inside my head and yes I cried while I was walking too 

You might be stuck but it's only temporary. You will find your way because you are asking for help and ideas.  I just know you will hit on an approach to things that will resonate with you and you will run with it.   

Take Care 

Yeah, I will get to crying soon, I'll just try not to overdose on it. I'm definitely going to start journaling soon, my counselor wants me to do so. Exercise is out of the question unfortunately, since I have some sort of condition that makes my joints and muscles ache. I used to exercise a lot, kinda miss it.  Anyways, thanks for the support and ideas, I appreciate it!

[Blimblam]

I've been thinking about your situation building.

So using the MBTI model, your dominant psychological functions are introverted feeling and extraverted intuition.  In your relationship though you were conditioned to not trust your intuition and repress your feelings effectively tearing appart your ego and sense of self thus depersonalization.  So to me it would make sense to get your Extraveted intuition activated to make sense of what happened and link it back to your feelings.  Learning to trust your intuition again. I suggest reading a bunch of psychoanalysis theories and books.  A good book that is very very INFP way of understaning connections is cloud atlas.  There are a lot of INFP authors such as shel Silverstein. The author of whinnie the pooh, tolkien to name a few.  The book the smith of major Wootan is a good about the ability INFPs have and to trust it. tolkien went through world war 1 and suffered shell shock and writing those books was a way to help him process and make sense of truama in a very INFP way.  

The transformative hero in just about every myth is an INFP or were written by INFPs. Frodo from LOTr is an INFP, Luke skywalker an INFP, neo in the matrix an INFP, willie wonka and Charlie in Charlie and the chocolate factory are INFPs, Christopher Robin in whinnie the pooh is an INFP, Tommie in rug rats an INFP, Calvin In Calvin in Hobbes an InFP, the female character in Peter Pan an INfP, shakspear am INFP, Homer the Greek poet an INFP, the little prince is an INFP.  Etc Etc.  So reading these types of stories you will identify yourself in them.

What I Am saying is don't conform to other people's standards be yourself.

Thanks for all the input Blim. You're INFP too right? Because we are both the same, and I can't remember what I am. I pretty much LOVE all of those characters. What about Eeyore, what's your take on him? LOL He was my favorite. Honestly I love children's books, more truth in those things than a thousand "adult" books. I do think it would touch me and open me up to read those books. I used to believe I had an amazing intuition, and could judge people well... .but um, look at who I trusted? SATAN! Joking, but yeah, it's hard to trust my intuition when I trusted someone so absolutely blindly that I've literally lost my humanity and struggle just to make it through the day.

I am not sure about eeore I havnt read Winnie the Pooh in a while. Some of the reading I has been doing has linked depersonalization to the "schizoid position."  Other stuff I read on being schizoid wrote a lot of about trauma being held in the body as tension and movement practices such as yoga and tai chi to be really useful in grounding one in the body.  Like was stated meditation was useful.  When my mind was in a depersonalized state I found it often very difficult to meditate. Once I was able to get in that state it helped tremendously. Like I said reading psychoanalysis books have given me the most insightful look into my psyche.  Although perhaps reading some fiction can get your imagination working again. 

The thing about depersonalization and the mind running wild is I would often ruminate on attachment and some other eastern ideas and it sort of made me feel bad about myself. I personally don't feel mindfulness is something that would work to well in a depersonalized state. When I was depersonalized I fed my brain a lot of things to make associations with and decode.

I had to feed my mind a framework of information to connect to my inner state. I found the batman movie series the new one to actually have a lot of symbols and archetypal motifs directly linked to personality disorders and a lot of insight on dealing with being in a hole. I watched a lot of YouTube videos about Carl Jung with excepts from the book man and his symbols. 

Anyway depersonalization as I have read about it is about the inner fracturing of the self.  Melanie klien has an incredible paper about it in her book envy and gratitude. I recomend reading the book the search for the real self by masterson first as it I a easier read and will give a more solid framework to understand Klein from. It will also explain BPD and the inner workings incredibly clearly and help depersonalize the relationship. 

My recommendation though is when reading object relations is to think of the super ego as the concience and a critical parent and nurturing parent. The id as the impulsive child and that there is also a lonely vulnerable loving child. This would make a innerparent, the adult(ego), and inner child. Reading the articles about the three faces of victem and the schema modes in the learning section can give a framework to work through past happenings if and when you remember the truamas and to possibly make sense of it.

All of this can be plugged back into jungs models of the psyche but you would have to explore not only his model of the psyche but learn about the archtypes. Mainly the anima the shadow and the trickster.

The best description of the anima archtype I have seen is in the lecture by Stephan hoeller the sorrow of Sophia, it is on YouTube. The trickster in a book by Radin. And Jung gives the best description of the shadow I have seen.  Although there is a book titles the shadow of the object that puts the shadow into a different context that is very insightful and puts it into a more object relations context.

[MaybeSo]

In California,  MFTs are now able to accept MediCal (covered ca/obamacare).  So, for example in my county, all of a sudden there’s a bunch of MFTs (marriage & family therapists) that can treat clients and bill Medical for therapy.

I don’t know if that is true with other states, but I would imagine something similar would be the case.

Any skilled therapist with experience treating trauma would likely be helpful to you.

Trauma Informed CBT is pretty big in clinical practice these days. Eastern meditation and philosophy is also recognized as generally helpful in trauma treatment ( eastern cultures with extreme violence / war histories seem to have found ways to treat it through meditation, yoga, etc.).  :)BT is a blend of CBT with eastern philosophy designed to treat BPD which is seen by those who work in trauma as ‘complex PTSD’.

Also, somatic therapies (using movement and bodywork) can be helpful with trauma symptoms and many clinicians are getting trained this way.

EMDR, EFT, therapies are being seen as beneficial for many with trauma symptoms, too.

Most doctors and therapists advocate Mindfulness Practice as beneficial for any trauma or stress related symptoms.  Also, basic stuff like getting exercise, eating well, learning to meditate or do grounding exercises etc.

PTSD isn’t viewed as a "psychological problem" and it’s not seen as just a soldiers problem anymore.  I dare say most of the anxiety and depression we see likely has some kind of trauma (developmental, relational, attachment trauma) at its roots.  It’s recognized as a biological response to extreme or chronic stress or threat that affects the body-body-spirt as a whole at any age.  It’s very common, and we are realizing through the study of war -type of PTSD how trauma really affects people in general.  Most importantly is how studying war caused PTSD has led to a better understanding of developmental trauma, including the fact that soldiers who do suffer PTSD report more traumatic childhood experiences, meaning, it’s early trauma that sets up soldiers (and people in general) to be more likely to experience PTSD symptoms in response to later life events.  Early trauma can look like emotional abuse and neglect.  (see the ACES study)

In the field, there is a real explosion right now regarding trauma treatment and it extends way beyond just PTSD in veterans.  

A resource to start reading:

www.nicabm.com/nicabmblog/category/trauma_therapy/

Authors/Researchers, search:

Dr. Dan Siegel

Dr. Stephen Porges

Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk

Dr. Alan Schore

Dr. Peter Levine was one of the first to treat trauma as a body-mind issue and used the study of animals and how they respond to threat without developing PTSD as part of his theory.  He studied carefully what animals do after they have been attacked.  So, it is interesting that you described yourself as feeling like a wounded animal.  That’s a perfect description of what trauma feels like.         You can start to feel better.

Best to you.  

[Blimblam]

Maybe so I have been really interested in reading that book by Levine.

I am into eastern philosphy and studied it in my youth but when in a state of depersonalization the concepts of attachment as based on desire for me always swirled into a bunch of paradoxes.  It was the concept of projective identification that sort of created a framework for everything to make sense. In melanie kliens paper notes on the schizoid mechanism she puts forth the concept but the implications and different ways of oercieving the concept are seemingly unlimited. Once the concept is grasped pretty much everything else can be put into a projective identification model.

General description a of projective identification tend to be extremely limited and reading the original paper is necessary to even begin to understand to concept.  She relates it to an infant mother relationship and it is trully genius.

[Dutched]

Thanks for this remarkable topic!

As a general remark:

Please all, be very careful just to fill in tests and make your own conclusions!

For example, the in this topic suggested MBTI test ( Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator) is popular and often used by HR people.

However there is no scientific base for it! The test was developed by mother and daughter Myers and Briggs who were NOT psychological educated… they JUST developped this test on THEIR interpretation (so not scientificcally backed up) of Carl Jung's work.

Furthermore this test (MBTI) is not consistent in accordance with the scientific developed and recognised  “Big Five” personality traits. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

I am not sure about eeore I havnt read Winnie the Pooh in a while. Some of the reading I has been doing has linked depersonalization to the "schizoid position."  Other stuff I read on being schizoid wrote a lot of about trauma being held in the body as tension and movement practices such as yoga and tai chi to be really useful in grounding one in the body.  Like was stated meditation was useful.  When my mind was in a depersonalized state I found it often very difficult to meditate. Once I was able to get in that state it helped tremendously. Like I said reading psychoanalysis books have given me the most insightful look into my psyche.  Although perhaps reading some fiction can get your imagination working again.  

The thing about depersonalization and the mind running wild is I would often ruminate on attachment and some other eastern ideas and it sort of made me feel bad about myself. I personally don't feel mindfulness is something that would work to well in a depersonalized state. When I was depersonalized I fed my brain a lot of things to make associations with and decode.

I had to feed my mind a framework of information to connect to my inner state. I found the batman movie series the new one to actually have a lot of symbols and archetypal motifs directly linked to personality disorders and a lot of insight on dealing with being in a hole. I watched a lot of YouTube videos about Carl Jung with excepts from the book man and his symbols.  

Anyway depersonalization as I have read about it is about the inner fracturing of the self.  Melanie klien has an incredible paper about it in her book envy and gratitude. I recomend reading the book the search for the real self by masterson first as it I a easier read and will give a more solid framework to understand Klein from. It will also explain BPD and the inner workings incredibly clearly and help depersonalize the relationship.  

My recommendation though is when reading object relations is to think of the super ego as the concience and a critical parent and nurturing parent. The id as the impulsive child and that there is also a lonely vulnerable loving child. This would make a innerparent, the adult(ego), and inner child. Reading the articles about the three faces of victem and the schema modes in the learning section can give a framework to work through past happenings if and when you remember the truamas and to possibly make sense of it.

All of this can be plugged back into jungs models of the psyche but you would have to explore not only his model of the psyche but learn about the archtypes. Mainly the anima the shadow and the trickster.

The best description of the anima archtype I have seen is in the lecture by Stephan hoeller the sorrow of Sophia, it is on YouTube. The trickster in a book by Radin. And Jung gives the best description of the shadow I have seen.  Although there is a book titles the shadow of the object that puts the shadow into a different context that is very insightful and puts it into a more object relations context.

I found mindfulness damn near impossible and frustrating when I was severely depersonalized. It actually caused me more anxiety. Anything goal oriented caused insane amounts of doubt and anxiety and still does.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Thanks for the encouragement MaybeSo. I think CBT/DBT would be helpful. I've been scared of going to the classes, it's hard for me to even go to counseling TBH. I may work on it from home. As far as trauma is concerned, I feel like I won't be taken seriously because I haven't suffered repeated physical violence. Just once by her. Even my counselors seem to show little empathy and sympathy. Their focus seems to be on making me take charge of my life. Which is definitely something I need to do, but getting some understanding and validation would help a lot.

[heartandwhole]

Hi BuildingFromScratch,

I'm so sorry to hear about that negative experience with a therapist, I can really understand your hesitation to go back to a similar setting. I'm glad you reached out to us here, despite the difficulties you are going through, that takes courage.

You've already had great responses to your post, so I would simply like to "second" the suggestions on offer, especially mindfulness and yoga. MaybeSo also mentioned Peter Levine and Bessel Van der Kolk because of their work in healing trauma, and I've definitely benefited from their work.

We have a book review, with a video link featuring Peter Levine here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223064.0

I also bought an audio book by Levine called "Healing Trauma" and found it helpful, especially with practical info. about how to deal with trauma symptoms when they are triggered. I found the audio here, but I'm sure there are other places that have it (and the book), too.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I really admire you for reaching out and actively seeking to help yourself recover from such difficult circumstances. That is inspiration for all of us, to never give up.   

heartandwhole 

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hi BuildingFromScratch,

I'm so sorry to hear about that negative experience with a therapist, I can really understand your hesitation to go back to a similar setting. I'm glad you reached out to us here, despite the difficulties you are going through, that takes courage.

You've already had great responses to your post, so I would simply like to "second" the suggestions on offer, especially mindfulness and yoga. MaybeSo also mentioned Peter Levine and Bessel Van der Kolk because of their work in healing trauma, and I've definitely benefited from their work.

We have a book review, with a video link featuring Peter Levine here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223064.0

I also bought an audio book by Levine called "Healing Trauma" and found it helpful, especially with practical info. about how to deal with trauma symptoms when they are triggered. I found the audio here, but I'm sure there are other places that have it (and the book), too.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I really admire you for reaching out and actively seeking to help yourself recover from such difficult circumstances. That is inspiration for all of us, to never give up.   

heartandwhole 

Thank you heart and whole for your kind words and support. I'm definitely looking to make changes and will look into that book.