I her tactics didnt affect me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ok, so I'm relatively new to this forum and I have read and learned a lot so far. What I didn't realize was that to end relationship required NC. I'm confused because I don't know when and if I've ever been "black". I just know her attitude and temperament towards me would change so drastically that it tore me apart and I would suggest that it wasn't working and end it. She always comes back over and over. Finds ways to get to me... . Shows up when I leave work, at the gym, at my house with her niece so I feel bad not letting her in. Ill be honest... . It's been only a week from our split and I only started the NC two days ago. But she still finds ways to get to me. She posted on our teams message board that she had a job offer far away and would be gone for 6-8 months. I should be happy right? It's just what I need... . but no, I'm a mess inside. Fact is she makes up stories alot and this could just be another ploy to suck me in? She once told me she was moving two hours away with a friend because of financial difficulty. What she wanted was for me to offer her to move in with me but I wouldn't dare. It's to much of a roller coaster ride and I would be "stuck" if she moved in.

So I guess my question is... . when she turns on me and starts to lose interest... . is this painting me black? And if so... . once I have decided I want out, why would she persist on seeing me randomly or trying to upsetme through message boards. It's like she knows how to get to me but why want me back if I'm "black"? So confused... .

[Sanity searcher]

Ok, so I'm relatively new to this forum and I have read and learned a lot so far. What I didn't realize was that to end relationship required NC. I'm confused because I don't know when and if I've ever been "black". I just know her attitude and temperament towards me would change so drastically that it tore me apart and I would suggest that it wasn't working and end it. She always comes back over and over. Finds ways to get to me... . Shows up when I leave work, at the gym, at my house with her niece so I feel bad not letting her in. Ill be honest... . It's been only a week from our split and I only started the NC two days ago. But she still finds ways to get to me. She posted on our teams message board that she had a job offer far away and would be gone for 6-8 months. I should be happy right? It's just what I need... . but no, I'm a mess inside. Fact is she makes up stories alot and this could just be another ploy to suck me in? She once told me she was moving two hours away with a friend because of financial difficulty. What she wanted was for me to offer her to move in with me but I wouldn't dare. It's to much of a roller coaster ride and I would be "stuck" if she moved in.

So I guess my question is... . when she turns on me and starts to lose interest... . is this painting me black? And if so... . once I have decided I want out, why would she persist on seeing me randomly or trying to upsetme through message boards. It's like she knows how to get to me but why want me back if I'm "black"? So confused... .

[Surnia]

Hi sanity searcher and welcome here.

No, you don't have to be NC - you have to be clear however about the end. For yourself and in front of your partner.

Sometimes NC works better to be without contact in the first weeks or so, its not written in stone however. Many persons suffering from BPD are driven by fear of abandonment, so they try to reach out again, which is painful for both.

Being black is not in each relationship, it can happen. So you go from soulmate to a very bad person in your partners eyes in a short time.

[Sanity searcher]

Thank you Surnia,

I guess NC would make it easier on me but then I do feel bad for her and the pain I must cause when I reject her attempts to reconcile. I just need to focus on me and how much turmoil I felt throughout the relationship as a guideline to not let her back in.

It makes it extremely difficult because the team we share many mutual friends through the team we are on together. I've had to stay away and it only makes me feel more isolated. But I know there is no possible way that I could handle that situation especially since her best friend is the coach. It's like I'm completely starting over in life... . all alone.

[Ritchie53]

So I guess my question is... . when she turns on me and starts to lose interest... . is this painting me black? And if so... . once I have decided I want out, why would she persist on seeing me randomly or trying to upsetme through message boards. It's like she knows how to get to me but why want me back if I'm "black"? So confused... .

Whats happened here is that you were deep in the devaluation zone but not quite at the final discard, i.e. you ended it. During devaluation your whole persona will be torn apart and, as mentioned, you will quickly move from soul mate to devil. The final discard arrives when the BPD typically has new supply lined up and jumps from the one relationship to another usually in a matter of days or even hours with new soul mate. They will not abandon you until they are certain of new supply, this is why you get re engagements, several Non's stick to the end and are mortified when no reconnection occurs, mainly due to the fact the BPD has discarded them as pure evil.

If you decide to stick with your decision of ending it, you have the 'winning' position, if you can ever call it that, of being in control of your emotions, a lot less hurt than other nons and also you were never fully painted black. Yes you probably will receive a smearing for ending the relationship, but the devil you are not - once they discard, you are fully painted black and the catalyst for all of their life problems. Take solace that you avoided that final extinction burst and discard - but heed a warning of a heavy re engagement somewhere down the line when the next relationship goes downhill.

[Sanity searcher]

Ritchie53,

Wow... . I am so grateful for this forum. Had I not started reading this I would not have realized that I was involved in a relationship that could destroy me and I would have not had the courage to walk away. I am in pain right now but I honestly don't know how I would have ever handled it if she had discarded me completely and moved onto someone else immediately after. I just keep reminding myself that I suffered more in the relationship than I will out of it... . , eventually I will heal. I'm just going through withdrawals from the constant contact and dramatic ups and downs.

[Ritchie53]

Sanity searcher

Thank you. You will heal and you will heal a lot quicker than many others here. Words can not describe how devastating the betrayal and final discard are. Therapists and councillors are inundated with infidelity cases from relationships, but at the end of a BPD relationship, not only do you have to deal with betrayal and infidelity, it is flaunted all over social media and everywhere else of how happy they are with new found soul mate and love of their life, the infidelity is cheered on by many, many enablers who you were talked about to by the BPD during devaluation, all the lies, manipulations, accusations etc. One can not describe how damaging this Triangulation is on its own, let alone other factors that are taking place at the end of the relationship (PTSD, smear campaigns, anxiety, depression, anger). Don't look back, heal, take your time and move forward.   

[Aussie0zborn]

Well said, Ritchie.

Move forward and don't look back.  If in any doubt, read Ritchie's two posts above again.

[afdezm]

Ritchie53 your words are gold.  thanks!