FIRST POST - I just discovered my wife has BPD (high-functioning)

[suisse_chilipep]

Hi BPD Community,

I am also posting this on r/BPDlovedones. I need all the help and support I can get!
Right now, I am 95% certain our marriage will not be sustainable long-term, but I am STUCK short-term, for reasons I will describe. I'll try not to make this too long, but share the most relevant information to my dilemma.

Just two weeks ago, I discovered my wife (35) is a high-functioning BPD (undiagnosed), and most likely the "petulant" subtype. I am 39, and we have a boy (2.5 years old) and a girl (6 months).

I figured this out in the most unexpected way; I was reading a book on "Coercive Control" by Evan Stark because I have been trying to figure out why she has been picking so many fights lately (more so than usual), and starting to physically attack me, hitting me hard enough to leave bruises, scratching me to the point that I bleed, kicking me like a wild animal, and frequently throwing objects in the house! This started back in September of last year. Things have cooled off now, but I am still on edge all the time now that I know what “splitting is.”

It has been absolutely terrifying, and I've been doing my best to not expose our children to her BPD outbursts. All of this has been progressive. At first, I thought she simply had major issues with codependency, and then the emotional and verbal abuse kicked into high gear. The wheels started to turn, so I started reading up on codependency in relationships, “intimate partner abuse against men” and “emotional / verbal abuse.”

About half way through the book “Coercive Control,” the author described one of her interviewed subjects as having borderline personality disorder. Ironically, she was the abused one in the relationship. I thought to myself, "huh, my wife is just like this," and then I googled the words: BPD. Holy ___storm!

This is precisely how I stumbled on the words BPD! I had absolutely NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE or UNDERSTANDING of what BPD is. Totally in the dark! It never even occurred to me that my wife could have a mental health disorder. But then after sufficient YouTube videos on the subject, reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me," etc., it now makes total sense!

Some background information: my wife was a war refugee from Eastern Europe with her family. They eventually sought refuge in French-speaking Switzerland, assimilated and stayed. My wife was 10 years old at the time. She suffered from a rare virus (most likely from one of the bomb blasts) that left scaring on the left portion of her brain. Highly intelligent (formerly with the IQ of a genius),  but some of her cognitive abilities suffered as a result, especially in areas of math, science and logic. But still, highly intelligent—an academic! Because of the brain injury, the right side of her brain most likely took over to compensate developmentally. She speaks 6 languages fluently, and is a language teacher.

In any case, her passion for classical literature, art, and culture first attracted me to her, as well as her beauty and charm. She was a passionate person, and I liked the excitement and sense of adventure we always seemed to have together. She adored me, and I never felt so powerfully desired by someone like I did with her. The sex was incredible, and I finally had a partner again in my life with many common interests (family life, concerts, hiking, enjoying nature together, travel, the beach, etc.). We bought a condo together, and eventually had two children of our own.

Looking back now, it was the perfect setup; I could not see my own blind spots! When we first met (in southern California), I was a single dad in my mid-30s (with 3 year old boy and girl twins sharing joint custody with my ex). At the time, she was kind and warm toward my kids, but that eroded over time once things became more serious and once we got married (more on that later).  I am kicking myself now for how many unfair concessions I have made, especially in terms of my relationship to my other kids!

Anyway, then last year, we decided to leave California, rent out our condo, and permanently relocate our family in Switzerland, where her parents and sister still live. Having already studied in Germany and with a knack for languages myself, it was a pretty easy decision for me too. Besides, the schools here are affordable and excellent for our kids, the healthcare system is top-notch, and the recreational opportunities are on par with what we are used to in California. My ex-wife remarried anyway, and since my twins were older, it made the long distance contact with them easier, always committed seeing them at least twice a year on their Winter and Summer breaks.

But here’s what’s been going on:

*the codependency now is so bad, it’s like I am literally on house arrest

*I have been continuously making unfair concessions without even realising it! Including giving up on normal contact with close friends and family. I have totally isolated myself from the outside world and my other relationships, and I am just now starting to (privately) regain this important part of my life.

*She splits daily over the most trivial things

*She is highly suspicious and distrusting of me sometimes, and for no good reason! I have to constantly reassure her that I love her; it is so exhausting and I constantly feel I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

*It is dangerous to be honest with her!

*My own mental health has taken a toll. In fact, I think I have had periods of mild depression in the past 3 years because of all the drama and relationship stress. Thank god she does not self-medicate her pain with booze or drugs, but I have been so disoriented and in despair over these issues (and not knowing about it until recently), that I have gotten wasted about 5-6 times in the past 3 years, which every time worsened the situation, and of course she freaked out.

*I have to secretly FaceTime with my other kids (now almost 8 years old) each week, and I write them weekly and send them postcards without her knowing. Since moving to Europe, my kids in the States haven’t FaceTimed once with their half-siblings. My daughter would love to see her little sister, who is now 7 months! She won’t allow it, and she will explode on me even with the slightest suggestion of how unreasonable and unfair this is. It’s total control and domination! She is convinced that having a normal relationship with my other kids is a threat to the love I have for our own children. It's so unfair, and doesn't even make any sense. I am a devoted and loving father to our children.

*And probably the scariest of all, her behaviour has now been witnessed by our 2.5 year old (often enough) for it to have clearly caused him stress and had a negative impact on him. In French, he has said several times to her “stop Mama” when she was in the middle of splitting, and unfairly yelling at me about something. She wasn’t even sensitive or aware of this in the moment. I certainly was. I did my best to get him out of the room and distract him.

*And several times in the car, she has forcefully pushed my arm (while I was clenching the steering wheel) driving our family somewhere. Including throwing her phone at me while I was driving, hitting me square in the head. It has been terrifying! Before knowing her issues with BPD, I even filed a police report locally (without her knowing), for my own protection and record-keeping in the future if we legally separate or divorce.  

But here’s my biggest problem: my kids need me now more than ever. I am the biggest strength and stability for our family during these stressful times. The good news is now that I am aware of her problems with BPD, I can anticipate any tension more effectively, and try better to avoid her triggers. I am far less likely to engage in her manipulative tactics, and deescalate the situation more effectively. At least I hope. We all know here how things can be so unpredictable and random. There is still sometimes emotional / verbal abuse, but the physical stuff is dormant for now.  

Also I can’t simply legally separate now anyway. Switzerland has some of the strictest immigration laws in the world, even if you are married to a Swiss. Legally, we have to be married (living under the same roof) for another 4 years until I can get my permanent residence permit. I am not going to get kicked out of the country and lose regular access to my kids! Yes, this means that if I exit the marriage too soon, this could happen. I am the father (not the mother), and even though there is an exception for moving out sooner than this time benchmark for instances of domestic violence, I still put my permanent residence status at risk being the father (not the mother), and handling this prematurely. It’s complicated, but trust me: I’ve done my research on the immigration technicalities here, and the relevant laws.

But still, it’s not all bad. It’s a mixed bag. In many ways, now that I know what is exactly going on, it’s a huge relief! The relationship is “good enough” for now, in many ways. I am happy staying here in Switzerland long-term, but I have to be very careful these next 4 years. Right now, this is my general plan.

But the degree of control is almost unbearable at times. In the last 3-5 months, she totally flipped out on me in public, accusing me that I was checking out other woman at the park while I was playing with our children. I can barely convince her that I need / want to go jogging in the forest so I can secretly FaceTime with my kids in the States. It turns out that since I told my ex-wife and her husband what has been going on, that she admitted that our kids was seeing a child therapist for a while because they thought their step-mom didn’t like them. I feel absolutely terrible about this, and eventually I need support and advice on how to communicate to my 8 year old children that a family member (their step-mom) has a mental health disorder, and why they can't see their half-siblings for another 4 years!

Anyway, I don’t think there’s much chance for hope. I have felt so desperate and alone, and am just now starting to re-vitalise old friendships (privately and safely online), and reach out for help and support. My parents and siblings now know, and have been supportive. I have been living in some sort of warped reality for long enough, and I am just beginning to deal with my anger and disappointment.  

Fortunately, she is loving and caring toward our children. She is a good mother. Which makes me think that it is best to keep things 50/50 in custody (if I can even manage to get this - Switzerland is still so conservative when it comes to custody and gender roles). I’m going to have to find a good attorney for this.  

I am going to meet with a psychiatrist in our city in the next month to go over and discuss. I firmly believe she deserves to know (but I am so anxious how she will respond - it could go very poorly), and I think it would require a full-fledged intervention, and I am not on the best terms with my in-laws right now. My BPD wife is so stubborn. Her sister (ironically a PhD psychologist) I think I can convince to meet together with a psychiatrist, and get her feedback on the topic, and how to approach her. In fact, since my wife has had many BPD episodes in front of her own family, I am surprised they haven’t picked up on this earlier! Or maybe they always suspected something, but because the shame is so deep (and maybe even the fact that there’s a genetic predisposition for mental health issues in their family), it’s a taboo topic, and they are in denial!  

So this is me, and my family situation with a loved one with BPD. This is MY FIRST POST. I am open to any words of support and encouragement, advice, etc.

I know I will get through this, but damn this is hard!

suisse_chilipep

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the boards.  I'm glad you found us and are reaching out for help not just in your real life but your online one as well.  We do understand and can help and support you.

Your situation sounds complicated and difficult, but again, you are not alone.  As you settle in and continue to post and jump into other threads you will see that. 

Being open about what is happening with your situation with family members and close friends is good too.  You need support but also, getting things out into the light can help as you work to improve things for yourself.  You said you feel angry and I think that is good.  You can use that anger to figure out how to navigate your way through the next 4 years or even longer should you decide to stay.

I am going to meet with a psychiatrist in our city in the next month to go over and discuss. I firmly believe she deserves to know

It is usually not a good idea to bring up the fact you think your spouse, or anyone, has BPD.  It is a difficult diagnosis to accept and there is a lot of stigma associated with it.  I do think talking with a therapist on your own is a good idea as it can help you deal with and strategize for your situation.  It can also help you learn coping strategies in addition to what you can learn here.

I know I will get through this, but damn this is hard!

It is hard but you will get through it.  We can help you with this too.  I hope get comfortable and settle in here. 

[suisse_chilipep]

Thanks for the advice and support. This is overwhelming, but I'm starting in the right direction.

[Enabler]

Hey Suisse_chillipop,

Welcome to bpdfamily.

Firstly I would like to endorse Harri's suggestion to hold off saying anything to your W about BPD, not at least until you have learnt more, talked to a therapist and done some work on looking at other choices. I would also include your sister in-law in that and anyone on her side of the family. This type of discussion rarely goes as planned, there's no great relief from her of you enlightening her of your findings... .this will more than likely be taken as confirmation of how abusive you are. Similarly, you know they say blood is thicker than water. Families tend to rally around their injured or dysfunctional family members... .regardless of how dysfunctional the actual family unit is, they have found an equilibrium and you would be upsetting that equilibrium by trying to enlighten the sister... .there may be a good reason the sister is a trained psychologist, she may have been in search of the answers to her own questions. She may find it easier to "get" given her own experiences. So, tread carefully there.

Your message above sounds very conflicted. On the one hand you sound like you're done and ready to seek lawyers, on the other you sound like you're okay and just about tolerating the situation. Is it fair to say that you'd stick it out if you could make things better, if you could create some emotional space around yourself and learn some techniques that would help you improve your ability to get some things that you want/need?

i would highly recommend you read as much as possible on this website. Please ask as many questions as you like, we're here to help.

Enabler

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, Suisse_chillipop!

That does sound like a very complicated, difficult situation and my heart goes out to you and to your children.

You'll find many people here who understand where you're coming from. I can definitely relate to the relief of knowing. I thought I'd screwed up my marriage left, right and center and that I must be a horrible person judging by what was happening with my uBPDh. Then someone mentioned BPD on another support site. I did a little research and BAM. There it was. Since coming to this site, I've found so many helpful tips and so much advice and support. We can provide that for you as well. Have you checked out the resources under the Tools tab at the top of the page? A lot of useful information there on topics like ending conflict and setting boundaries.

Also, I'll echo Harri and Enabler. Be very careful about letting your wife know your thoughts and about enlisting anyone in her family. Your intentions are good, but there's an excellent chance it could go badly. Meeting with a therapist on your own is a great place to start.

Building your own support system (which can include the people here on this board) can be very beneficial to you.

It sounds like your wife's behavior and attitudes make self-care very difficult. And having to sneak around to communicate with your children and friends and family can't help either. I, too, almost let my H cut me off from friends and family before I realized what was going on. Good for you for rebuilding those relationships.

Have you done much reading about boundaries and how to set and maintain them? Do you think any of the suggestions here https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries might be beneficial in your situation?

[Sweetpea18]

Hey Suisse, sorry that your going through this.  Your situation sounds very similar to what i went through.  I was even reliving some of the old issues reading your post.  How you sneak around to speak with your kids and her not liking her step kids, is very similar to my situation.  Bravo, on figuring out she had BPD, I didn't realize it until after we separated and moved out amidst our divorce.  I often think to myself if I had known, would it have made a difference, but I think tiptoeing around and walking on egg shells would have gotten very old.  I know you have a four year plan and I totally understand about wanting to make sure you can get your kids, and custody, and all of it.  I will say, when mine started to more violent towards me, that is when I knew I had to get out.  It sounds you like you have really thought about all you have to do and have a solid plan.  I tend to agree with the group, telling her about BPD is not going to produce a "eureka" moment.  In fact, it's most likely the alternative will occur and she will get defensive and angry.  At least for my ex wife, it is very hard for her to believe she does anything wrong, most of the issues in our marriage were my fault (in her eyes), and in some instances she was right (owning it, just seem to empower her more and give her more ammunition to blame me, but as a co-dependent, I allowed it).  Despite apologizing for them, it did not seem to make a difference.  I would utilize this time and energy and focus on you and your mental health.  Keep in contact with family and friends and especially your kids.  Try not to let guilt be your guide.  I know that is hard, especially, cause I'm sure you love your wife and wanted nothing more than a good life together.  Just remember, whatever you decide, steps you take, plans you make, there is always time and ways to make changes and adjustments.  Coming here is a good step, so many survivors have such great advice and the knowledge and understanding here is second to none. 

[suisse_chilipep]

Thanks to everyone who has commented here. I am still learning how the posts work on this board, how things format, etc. Thanks for listening to my unique circumstances. I have read 3 books on BPD in the last couple of weeks. I will check out the Tools section at the top of this page. I have tried to actively use some techniques in communication, but I need more practice.

And thanks for the warnings about bringing this up with her sister (and family). I NEED TO HEAR THIS! My logical-thinking brain is telling me this too, but my desire to "solve problems" with others is still trying to override my smartest bet, and my own best interests (including maximising access to my children as much as possible later down the road).

The fact of the matter is that I grieved the loss of our relationship back in September of last year after she put ourselves in a very scary situation on the road with our kids in the back of the car. Once we were safe back home, I stepped outside and went for a walk, and recorded my thoughts and feelings, and came to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to eventually leave her. I knew it then, and I know it now. There was no self-awareness, remorse, or regard for the danger she put our family in. Anyway, this recording is a helpful reminder for me, and I listen to it whenever I need to remind myself about how things permanently changed. I never imagined moving from California to Europe, that I would have to start making plans to be a single parent (again!).
 
I still remember looking in the rear-view mirror, and our 2.5 year old shocked, with a terrified and frozen look on his face after witnessing his mom's erratic behaviour, screaming, and throwing her phone at me twice while I was driving (hitting me square against my head). I was gripping the steering wheel, and then later in tears once I saw the look on my son's face when I looked at him in the rearview mirror. Once she settled down a little, I drove with one hand, and reached behind and held his hand to comfort him. This was my defining moment that things were going to change between us, and I promised myself never to put my kids in this kind of situation again. Sadly, this has happened 2 other times since then.

This was all before I knew anything about BPD, and I thought it was related to general issues with control, jealousy, codependence, coercive control, etc. Then BAM! I stumbled on BPD, ironically so.

Anyway, thank you again for the advice. I'm getting a better grip on reality and my situation, and the FOG is lifting.

[Enabler]

Situations where she endangers safety should not be tolerated. Can we focus in on these types of situations as they seem to be the most extreme.

Can you recall the ‘he said, she said’ leading up to the emotional meltdown?

Can you think of some actions you could have taken at the event or post the event? Eg pull to the side of the road and ask her to exit the vehicle, drive to the nearest police station and ask them to remove her from the vehicle. Ultimately it’s not safe for her to be in the car in any capacity be that driver or passenger.

What could your boundary be to protect yourself and your son from being vulnerable to the same situation in the future? Eg I will not travel in a car with you,  we will travel separately.

All these things are easier said than done i know, but the consequences of not may be catastrophic for your family AND other people.

If you feel safe. I wonder if you can park big decisions like divorce and separation for now. These things take time and immense emotional strength. From what I have seen, the person who learns, plans and predicts the likely outcomes is vastly more likely to exit or stay with considerably more success. Leaving is unlikely to provide a painless option as you seem to have realised, as much as staying in the relationship without learning is likely to continue the dynamic and maybe see it escalate over the coming weeks, months or years. Parking the decision will allow you to take yourself to 30k ft, see the internal dynamics for what they are and see how you are involved, what you can change and what you can do for your kid.

Coparenting requires you to maintain a relationship with your W. It would be a different relationship for sure, but one you need to start practicing NOW. It will be harder to do when you are out of the relationship. Similarly practicing relationship styles with your kid needs to start NOW to make these things second nature. You may have other issues like parental alienation, trauma reinactment as well as a high conflict divorce.

Education and understanding is your shield, communication tools and validation is your sword and empathy is your helmet... .sorry, got all medieval on you there.

We’re here to help with all of the above

Enabler