help

[Venny]

I am going crazy. I can't get the image of her with a new guy out of my head. Also the lying and cheating. There are so many instances where I think she cheated but I don't know for sure. The doubt is driving me crazy but at the same time I don't want to know for sure. I haven't spoken to her in two weeks. I initially broke up with her but was sucked back in and spit out so it's actually her who hasn't contacted me. I've sent emails ect no reply. It's killing me and I'm the verge of losing it. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I can't get the thoughts out of my head no matter what I do. And even if she did call and say she loves me ect and didn't cheat or isn't with a guy now would I believe her? No. If she called and confirmed everything I wouldn't believe her. I just don't know why someone would do this. We were together for 5 years and it was all a huge lie  how will I ever be ok.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Venny,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can totally understand your feelings of going crazy with non-stop thoughts about your ex. It's terrible and so hard to endure.    Know that you are not alone, so many of us here can relate.

These breakups break up more than a relationship; they can shatter our "reality" for a while as we adjust to new information that was hidden from us during the relationship. These are patterns and feelings that are not only hidden in our partners—our own coping strategies have likely been hidden from us for a long time as well.

Hang in there, this WILL pass. Do you have a therapist that you are working with, Venny? I highly recommend looking into it. It helped me so much to get an objective view of my (warped) thinking. Or maybe you have a trusted friend who might understand that this is *not* just a "normal" breakup?

I firmly believe that I became depressed after my breakup with pwBPD. Here is some information about how depression often manifests after such a loss:

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

Does any of that resonate with you, Venny? (I'm not trying to diagnose, just offer info. that will help you know that you are not crazy or alone in this)

It's important to reach out for support, Venny, so I'm really glad you did here.

heartandwhole

[Ahoy]

Mate I worked a long day, driving out a long rural patrol and halfway to being done I almost burst into tears in the car because I started ruminating about a fantastic holiday I had with my ex and all those thoughts rushed into my brain, it reminded me how much fun she could be. I then thought about her with her new partner, having those fun times... it's not pleasant, her with another man, probably cuddled up watching TV right now.

You have to feel the pain but not react to it. Let it wash over you and through you. It's NOT easy in the slightest. Fresh off a breakup, your brain is whizzing around at a million miles a second. You are probably analyzing everything. Not knowing the full extent to everything is even more frustrating. I haven't worked things out but I understand enough now to realize I don't want to know any more than I do.

Remember, you can't control these thoughts. You CAN control how you react to these thoughts. Imagine you are on a dock by a river. Put all the thoughts of her and your replacement in a boat and send that sucker downstream out of your head. The thought came back? NOPE downstream it goes. Sounds silly? keep practicing it works.

Another thing that helps work out what might have happened in your relationship is to start reading back through older posts. I did that so much every day, I'm up to page 220 out of the 870 of pages of posts on the detaching forums. I only read the bigger/relevant ones but they are packed so full of insight and examples that mirror my own relationship, I was able to piece things together very clearly! I just sat in the bath till the water went cold reading and reading and reading. Then I ran another bath because I wasn't done reading yet. Thanks to this I can identify roughly where I started being devalued and areas I need to work on to heal.

Nothing we can say will soften the initial pain you are feeling. I'm almost 14 weeks out and I have as many good days as bad days now. Keep reading these forums and talk to your good friends about your feelings, you can ride this out buddy =)