So worried about the kids

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Im in the middle of a terrible divorce from a man diagnosed with BPD and suspected sociopathy...i have a 9 year old girl with bad anxiety and a 6 year old boy with autism but high functioning and they are currently with me 100%.  The law in Florida is likely to give him significant time when this ends as thats the trend...I have pages and pages of his texts and emails to me expressing really terrible thoughts and self hatred and mental illness and admitting he cant take care of them...but unless the psychologist thinks he is truly a danger to them he will get 10-12 days a month...The kids psychologist thinks he is a real danger to the kids and he has never had any responsibility with them and was never involved...he has called the cops on our daughter for not wanting to sleep there and let the kids play violent video games for hours and hours on end...he has left kids alone in the car while running errands and in general has no judgement or capacity...I'm so scared for them and feel so guilty...part of me wonders if i should have stayed in his abusive emotional path since then I could keep the kids safe but they were witnessing his meltdowns left and right and he has never ever been involved but of course now he wants 50% to spite me...those of you who have been through this what can you tell me about the kids end up managing? will they be permanently scarred? my daughter loves him as she should but insists she will never ever sleep there as she doesn't feel safe or trust him (she has caught him lying multiple times)...the little guy doesn't know any better and wants to have sleepovers...i've been so strong and keeping it altogether until this week when the possible reality of him getting real time with them has set in...can anyone who has been through this tell me?   my attorney has told me whatever time he gets we will then go after to have removed as everyone believes, as do I, that he will continue to mess up enough that the court (we have a good judge) will take it away bit by bit...but of course the kids pay during that whole process...need some support and faith...

[leftunsaid]

Im in the middle of a terrible divorce from a man diagnosed with BPD and suspected sociopathy...i have a 9 year old girl with bad anxiety and a 6 year old boy with autism but high functioning and they are currently with me 100%.  The law in Florida is likely to give him significant time when this ends as thats the trend...I have pages and pages of his texts and emails to me expressing really terrible thoughts and self hatred and mental illness and admitting he cant take care of them...but unless the psychologist thinks he is truly a danger to them he will get 10-12 days a month...The kids psychologist thinks he is a real danger to the kids and he has never had any responsibility with them and was never involved...he has called the cops on our daughter for not wanting to sleep there and let the kids play violent video games for hours and hours on end...he has left kids alone in the car while running errands and in general has no judgement or capacity...I'm so scared for them and feel so guilty...part of me wonders if i should have stayed in his abusive emotional path since then I could keep the kids safe but they were witnessing his meltdowns left and right and he has never ever been involved but of course now he wants 50% to spite me...those of you who have been through this what can you tell me about the kids end up managing? will they be permanently scarred? my daughter loves him as she should but insists she will never ever sleep there as she doesn't feel safe or trust him (she has caught him lying multiple times)...the little guy doesn't know any better and wants to have sleepovers...i've been so strong and keeping it altogether until this week when the possible reality of him getting real time with them has set in...can anyone who has been through this tell me?   my attorney has told me whatever time he gets we will then go after to have removed as everyone believes, as do I, that he will continue to mess up enough that the court (we have a good judge) will take it away bit by bit...but of course the kids pay during that whole process...need some support and faith...

[ForeverDad]

A perspective everyone here will attest to is that by providing a separate normal, stable, loving home you are and will be helping the children immensely.  If you ever think staying in a dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy relationship would have been better, then remind yourself the kids need to have a safe place even if they can't be in it all the time.  This way, although not optimal, they will always know the difference between functional versus dysfunctional, healthy versus unhealthy.  That lesson will go with them as they grow into adults and seek for themselves relationships, thus having the ability and skills to discern for themselves what is healthy and normal, or as you are finding out now, at least what is "less bad" when the options are limited.

[worriedStepmom]

He can ask for anything he wants.  That doesn't mean he'll get it.

You are doing the right things.  You've created a safe environment for the kids.  You have gotten professionals (a psychologist) involved to help them adjust and to determine what they need.  You have documented issues that their dad has with parenting and controlling himself.  You are fighting for what you genuinely believe is best for the kids.

I know someone with an ex with severe NPD.  They started out with him having 40% custody.  As she documented his behaviors and how they affected the children, his custody time dropped, until, right now, he has zero contact with them.  He isn't a safe person for them to be around.

It's stressful, even if you end up with exactly the result that you hope for.  Do your best to take care of yourself during the journey.

[mama-wolf]

leftunsaid, I have been and am still where you are in a lot of ways! 

It sounds like you are at the beginning of what will be a long road.  I have been traveling this same road for a while myself...separated from my wife two years ago (when my daughter was 9 and my son was 5), and divorce was finalized last year.  One major thing to keep in mind that this is a marathon, not a sprint, so you're going to have to pace yourself.

I won't kid you...the worry is going to be there pretty constantly--especially whenever the kids are with your ex.  Try to maintain focus on what you can control and influence, rather than spend too much time on what you can't.  Keep documenting.  Dates, actions, recommendations or observations by the kids' psychologist...keep those records because they will help.

I don't know if it's an option for you, but you might consider having a parent coordinator put in place if you are having to share legal custody with your ex (regardless of how much time they are with him physically).  This person can become a buffer between you two, and if you and your ex get deadlocked on a decision the PC can be a tie breaker whose sole responsibility is what's best for the children.  You might not always like what he or she decides--as I haven't in my experience with my own PC--but the amount of angst that has been prevented by having a PC in place has been absolutely worth it to me.

those of you who have been through this what can you tell me about the kids end up managing? will they be permanently scarred?

I'm not all the way through this, but I can share what I am learning and what others have shared with me.  Please know that you getting out of the marriage was probably the best decision you could have made.

A perspective everyone here will attest to is that by providing a separate normal, stable, loving home you are and will be helping the children immensely. 

ForeverDad said it best.  And it has been a hard thing for me to accept, too.  Even though I can't be sure my kids are in the healthier, more stable environment with me all of the time, they at least see it and experience it with me, and will continue to grow to recognize the difference in what my ex provides.

It's stressful, even if you end up with exactly the result that you hope for.  Do your best to take care of yourself during the journey.

And listen to worriedStepmom...Self care is going to be critical for you to be able to deal with the antics and curveballs your ex may throw your way.  Stay calm.  Stay consistent.  Don't get baited into the behavior that he thinks will get him what he wants.  Hang in there!

mw