Intro

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am new here and think/hope I am in the right place.   I was in an 8 month relationship that I ended early December of 2014.  My ex has engaged in relentless harassment.   Despite telling him I wanted no future contact,  he has threatened my kids,  my well being and reputation and has contacted me almost 500 times via phone/txts/emails and unwanted visits.   I responded only once in mid-January with a letter he needed for a legal proceeding.   Otherwise,  I have completely cut ties with him.   

Although I have been externally diligent,  I have had a terrible time internally trying to end/escape/move on from this relationship.   I feel like I've been brainwashed.   I am a very confident,  capable person and this was a  SHORT relationship...   Everything about this has been confounding - both while in the relationship and since it has ended.   I googled  "how to get un-brainwashed" and came across this site.   While he does not have a BPD diagnosis that I know of,  something has been amiss since the very beginning.   Both with him and with my response to him.   I am eager to make some sense of it all - again both of him and, most importantly, MY response to him - and move on.   I am hopeful I have stumbled on the right community.   So much of this relationship makes no sense:  his behavior and mine too!  Thanks for being here

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I am new here and think/hope I am in the right place.   I was in an 8 month relationship that I ended early December of 2014.  My ex has engaged in relentless harassment.   Despite telling him I wanted no future contact,  he has threatened my kids,  my well being and reputation and has contacted me almost 500 times via phone/txts/emails and unwanted visits.   I responded only once in mid-January with a letter he needed for a legal proceeding.   Otherwise,  I have completely cut ties with him.   

Although I have been externally diligent,  I have had a terrible time internally trying to end/escape/move on from this relationship.   I feel like I've been brainwashed.   I am a very confident,  capable person and this was a  SHORT relationship...   Everything about this has been confounding - both while in the relationship and since it has ended.   I googled  "how to get un-brainwashed" and came across this site.   While he does not have a BPD diagnosis that I know of,  something has been amiss since the very beginning.   Both with him and with my response to him.   I am eager to make some sense of it all - again both of him and, most importantly, MY response to him - and move on.   I am hopeful I have stumbled on the right community.   So much of this relationship makes no sense:  his behavior and mine too!  Thanks for being here

[parisian]

Welcome Reclaiming. You will get much support and help from reading, posting and using the tools on this site.

I am sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. We understand. x

What made you think he had BPD?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I hope I am replying in the right place.  Thanks for your note, Parisian.  I appreciate your acknowledgement and support.  In an effort to make sense of what has happened, I have checked many websites/books about sociopaths, psychopaths, stalkers, etc.  None of them felt really right.  Though the fact that I was checking them felt like indication that something was amiss. 

When I found this site this morning it was like BINGO!  Just about everything resonated:  how hard it is to leave, how truly engaging the BPD can be, how much we (I) can love them and hate them/their behavior at the same time, getting blamed for so many things, bad relationships with family members, etc.  BPD feels like an umbrella that could explain SO much of his behavior. 

The section on No Contact also really resonated.  I have done so well at not contacting him, and found the article I read very comforting and reassuring that I am doing the right thing.  Reading that "it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy" is ENORMOUSLY helpful. 

What about you?  Would you tell me about your situation?  Thanks again!  I feel hopeful and like I can breathe!

[parisian]

It's like a massive lightbulb moment when we finally stumble across answers for symptoms and behaviours that were exhibited by someone we once loved. Behaviours that just made no sense at all, and were hurtful and upsetting when all we did was give that person our love, care and respect. It is a relief I think for most to discover there is a name for the disorder, to read what others went through that sadly, often tell the same story as our own.

It also helps reframe our thinking, and answers some of our hopes and fears and allows us to better understand the disorder. Fears such as 'what if they get better for the next person', and so on.

More importantly, it's great you found this wonderful resource and hopefully the experience of others and the tools in self improvement will help you recover from what has no doubt been a very traumatic experience.

I had only a short relationship (2 years) with someone I'd known for 10 years. Unfortunately BPD is a very 'closed door' illness. My ex was very high functioning and even after knowing her for 10 years, I had no idea she had a severe mental illness. That all came out over the course of 2 very difficult years of emotional abuse. I'm now about 7 months out of the r/s, and getting better every day. I hope you do too!