Hi OneSided,
Welcome to the BPD Family
You have found a great place for support, information, tools, ideas and conversation. We are all here because we have someone in our lives with BPD or BPD Traits. I'm here because of my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw). Although, I can't diagnose anyone the behaviors you describe regarding your mother in law (MIL) sure do sound familiar.
When you have time you might want to read some of the posts of other members, it was shocking to me when I first arrived here how much we all have in common.
... .I truly love my Mother-in-law... .
I hear this, you wouldn't be looking for help with the situation if you didn't care about your MIL.
... .And to be honest it was a huge relief to be able to put a name to something I thought was all in my head... .I have read countless books and articles... .
I agree identifying the problem really helps, then researching it like you have done is also good... .getting a good grounding in what BPD is. I did much the same when it came to my SO's ex. All of what you have done so far will help you now that you've arrived here.
I know what you may be thinking, I have that typical mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship you see in a movie or book.
Actually, I don't think this I know others who have not experienced someone in their life with BPD might think this but I know there is more to it. The dysfunction can be subtle sometimes so others don't always see it, and they may not see it due to lack of experience with it.
but it was all the small stuff that truly added up over the years to become the big stuff.
That's one thing about BPD it is most apparent to those closest to the person with BPD, so initially you likely didn't see the behaviors much and the longer you have been with your husband and the closer you have become with your MIL the more you see the dysfunctional behaviors.
My SO told me about his wife up front when we first started dating, I thought she sounded weird but just sort of put the information in my back pocket. Then the longer I was with him and the more I saw the things she was doing I found myself asking why? All the time why is she doing that, why is she not doing that? I was in a state of Why? I was seeing more and more dysfunctional behaviors.
From the age of 8 she put my husband into the role of the "man of the house" and a father figure to his little sister. He's worked two jobs in high school because she asked him to and when he wanted to head to college my MIL ended up convincing him to stay home because she "couldn't live financially" if he left.
What you are describing here is Parentification... .when the child is put in the role of caretaker (in this case financially) of the parent. In my situation my SO's ex put their oldest daughter in this role particularly during the divorce... .she was her mother's "best friend", emotional support, cook, and mother to her younger sister, totally inappropriate for a 15 year old.
More on Emotional Incest (Parentification is part of this)
https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incestOne memory I do remember, is when he dropped below part time in community college because he had to work two jobs to help his mom. I guess in his dad's and his mom's divorce agreement, it stated if my husband ended up dropping below part time in college, his dad no longer had to pay child support. My husband had no clue that was in the agreement. Needless to say he ended up getting an ear full. His mom was extremely upset because she felt as though he had done that on purpose just so she didn't get the money. She told him, "do you want me struggle like this", "do you enjoy seeing your mother like this", " I need that money to live"... .So, to please his mom, he went back to part time and worked those two jobs... .
First of all she is an adult and her financial security is not his responsibility and what I have bolded is what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail. As far as I'm concerned it is the number one weapon in the BPD person's arsenal. When you are feeling pressured to do something you don't want to do by someone with BPD look for the FOG. I have found once you are better able to recognize the FOG for what it is... .a manipulative behavior it is easier to do what you need to do for you, and to not take some things as personally.
More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0To see my sister-in-law now in college, it is the complete opposite of my husband. My MIL supported her decision to go away and live on campus, she doesn't have my SIL work two jobs to help make ends meet and basically lets her do everything she never let my husband do.
I completely understand your resentment here... .total double standard.
Ever since my husband and I have gotten more serious and now married, things with her have just escalated. She has told him straight out in one of their one-on-one talks that, "He has f*ck her ever since he met me", "As your mother I should always come first, your fiance comes second"... .it was heartbreaking to hear. She has a difficult time understanding things that should be obvious. I know she feels abandoned and it's a huge change but she had to of known one day he would get married and move on. He has the right to live his life the way he wants after all the years of helping her.
You are right on the money here... .this is fear of abandonment and black and white thinking. She is unable to see that your husband can love you
and her, she can only see that your husband love you
or her. These are her issues, and it is not up to your husband to "prove" anything here, your job is to let her have her own feelings... .it may be uncomfortable for you to let her be uncomfortable but her feelings are hers, her behaviors are hers, here happiness is her responsibility. The only people we truly control in this world is ourselves... .it it up to her to manage her feelings.
What I've bolded is more F
OG... .Obligation - to her because she is his mother & Guilt for not doing what she wants him to do.
We ask her to please keep the conversions between the three of us only but she never does. When we leave she will then go and expresses her upset to my SIL, whom is young herself. We only have made ourselves look bad and we feel like bad people. But all we want is to be able to talk our issues out but we know we can't. We don't know how to deal with that. My MIL has also pinned my SIL against us and we have no clue how to handle that either. My SIL believes we are horrible people to her mom and have done terrible things.
Above is Triangulation, below is a link to more on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0Can you see how you are all on the triangle and how you each can play a different role depending on your perspective.
Every time we see her, we feel as though we need to accommodate to her needs in order to keep her "happy" and that only makes us unhappy all over again.
You are not responsible for her happiness. I will also ask you is she ever actually happy? Satisfied? My guess is no... .her needs are a bottomless pit. So if she is never happy no matter what you do for her, how about you do what you want to do for you and your husband instead.
Our newest dilemma is Thanksgiving, this is where my question comes in. Every year we invite her and my SIL to my families thanksgiving since her family lives a bit away. We want her there but after all these issues we have been having however, we have a lot of feelings of not wanting to invite her this year.
Darn those pesky holidays they can be difficult for everyone but when you throw someone in the mix with BPD it complicates things even more.
You're 2 days away from Thanksgiving, you haven't invited her yet, you haven't made a decision... .no one says to have to make a decision. You and your husband have been invited to your family's Thanksgiving go and have a good time. Your parents are the hosts not you, your MIL has not been invited and could have made her own plans at anytime whether she has or hasn't is up to her.
I'm really glad you've joined us, I know there is a lot that we can help you with.
I will be interested to hear about what you think of some of the material I have provided above. Does it resonate?
Take care,
Panda39