Struggling with feelings of anger towards my elderly BPD mother

[Lily was here]

Hi everyone, I am new here. Just wondered if anyone has any tips on how to deal with feelings of anger towards a person with BPD when you realise you have been controlled and manipulated all your life by them and you just need it to end. Without going on too much, my Mum has cast me as her saviour and tells me that she can't live without me. I really want to move away to somewhere nicer but she tells me she wouldn't cope. She knows I have wanted to move for years but she refuses to consider moving too, then blames it all on my Dad...who is responsible for everything wrong in the world apparently!

[Pook075]

Hi everyone, I am new here. Just wondered if anyone has any tips on how to deal with feelings of anger towards a person with BPD when you realise you have been controlled and manipulated all your life by them and you just need it to end. Without going on too much, my Mum has cast me as her saviour and tells me that she can't live without me. I really want to move away to somewhere nicer but she tells me she wouldn't cope. She knows I have wanted to move for years but she refuses to consider moving too, then blames it all on my Dad...who is responsible for everything wrong in the world apparently!

Hello Lily and welcome to the family!

I'll make this short and sweet.  You are responsible for you.  Your mom is responsible for your mom.

Now, your mom says she can't make it without you.  She probably feels that way and believes it to be true.  And as long as you're there doing whatever your mom wants/needs/feels/demands, then everything is great...for her.  Not so much you though.

I'll repeat; you're responsible for you, she's responsible for her.

So you stay because you love your mom and want to make her happy.  Fair enough, but it's making you unhappy and because your mom can't see the toll it takes on you, resentment starts to build.  A little thing here and there, no big deal, but after some time each little thing feels like a mountain crushing down on you.

I'd be angry too- I know that feeling all too well with my BPD daughter and BPD ex wife.  The entitlement drove me nuts sometimes.

Here's the thing though, you're responsible for you; you get to make all the decisions for your life.  You want to leave, but your mom says stay....and you stay.  Who's fault is that?  You want to live somewhere else, your mom says she won't move with you, but she can't live without you either...and you stay.

When does your life come first?  When do you choose you?

The problem here is that every time you express your wishes, your mom counters it, and you do what she wants you to do, she becomes more confident that she knows best.  So she makes bigger demands and you lose yourself a little more each time.  The real problem here is you- you are enabling her and accepting her behavior because you're forgetting such a simple fact- you're responsible for you.  Not her or anyone else.

What can you do about it?  Start taking control of your own life.  Make your own decisions, and create healthy boundaries for yourself in terms of how much say she has in your life.  When she crosses one of those boundaries, you correct her and explain that she no longer gets to say that, demand that, etc.  And if she responds poorly, then the boundary kicks in....you're going to withdraw for your own mental health and wellbeing.

If it escalates, you go away for a weekend or even move out.  This is the only way to show your mother that you're in control of your life and there's certain boundaries that she must respect.  She'll make it about her- poor me, what am I to do?!?  And you answer her directly...you'll stop doing the things that hurt me so we can have a great relationship.

Love, compassion, patience...they're all important in BPD relationships and it's great you've shown that.  But boundaries are equally important since you're responsible for you, and your feelings always come first.  Nobody gets to hurt you to feel better about their own situations.  You must break that mentality and put yourself first.

I hope that helps!

[Notwendy]

This sounds also like resentment. Anger and resentment are feelings like any feeling- they themselves aren't "wrong" or "bad"- but they are "messages" telling you something isn't OK. We feel resentment when we over function and don't pay attention to our own needs. How we act on our feelings is something to consider- we feel what we feel- but going on an angry rant with someone isn't productive but neither is ignoring the feeling.

I think being raised by a BPD parent- our fears are that if we do something for ourselves- that is wrong, that is selfish. We are used to trying to meet our BPD parents' needs. It's a parent's job to meet the small child's needs not the other way around, but we somehow feel responsible for our BPD mother's feelings.

It's fine to do nice things for another person, to care for them if we choose but we need boundaries. My BPD mother doesn't have boundaries and her emotional need are very large. The kind of relationship she'd wish for with me would be for me to be her 24/7 caregiver and even with that, she would feel her needs weren't met. On the other hand, I am also a human- I need to sleep at times, and also be available to my own family but my mother doesn't see that- she can only see what isn't being done for her at the moment.

I had to have some boundaries. Distance for me is one of them, not because I don't care about my parents- it's that I do care and that makes it hard for me to say no to my now elderly BPD mother. Even at a distance, I ( and other family members) find text or call messages from my mother at all hours of the night. She isn't sleeping but doesn't consider that others may need to sleep too.

I do some of the tasks for her that can be done at a distance- make phone calls, do her accounting, speak to her medical caregivers. She was waiting to hear about a prescription, calls me at 7 am to ask about it. My response is that- the medical office isn't open yet, I need to call at 8.

The point being- when she wants something or is thinking about something- that is all that is in her mind at the moment. Her feelings and thoughts are overwhelming for her. That other people may have other responsibilities or needs is not in her thinking.

What we tend to expect in any relationship is reciprocity. My friend may call and asks me to do a favor for her- like maybe bring her child home from school when I go to get mine, or check her mail when she's out of town. I know that I can do the same with her. I also know that if I can't do it for some reason, I can say "sorry- we are going out of town too" and she can ask another mutual friend. She can do the same. We have a basic sense that our friend cares about us and is a good person and they feel the same about us. This sense isn't dependent on what we do for each other. If someone says no- we give them the benefit of the doubt - they are busy too.

We do want our parents to think of us as basically good people. For my mother though, being "good" means doing things for her when she wants them and how she wants them. How she sees someone else changes according to how she feels. Saying no- becomes the opposite- to her, in the moment, I am a horrible person who has hurt her terribly.

That isn't comfortable. I don't want to be hurtful or horrible to anyone. With counseling and ACA 12 steps and CODA, I had to learn to give myself permission to say no, and to understand that I am not responsible for someone else's feelings, just my own actions and feelings. Now, if I feel anger or resentment, I know I need to take some time for myself and- it's OK to do that. I think understanding that you can have boundaries is a first step to working on the relationship with your mother. While your mother would prefer to have you be her emotional caretaker- you have wishes as well. You need to be able to consider how to balance your relationship with her and your own needs.  She may not be happy with that. I think it helps to have support with this.

[So Stressed]

Notwendy, Pook075 and Lily...thank you so much for this string of posts.  I have not been feeling well emotionally for the last couple of months and I try to come here, and I read, and I just feel the same. I have been without words.  I related to every word that the 3 of you posted here.  Me too! Me too!

Sadly, what happened in my family is that I was the primary caregiver to my elderly BPD Mom for the last 20 years, and I did set boundaries, which did not go over very well. Boundaries led Mom to decide that I didn't care, wasn't taking good care of her, etc.  She told everyone in her sphere about what a bad daughter I am, and in the end, she moved to another state to live near my sibling, who has now also turned against me and agreed that I am a bad daughter and sister. Despite Mom's BPD and perhaps some similar mental health issue with my sibling that is also undiagnosed....I love them, and I feel the loss of family. I have no other family members. It is very painful to have your family turn on you.

I do understand intellectually that Mom is only capable of seeing the world through her own eyes and if I am not 100% focused on her, then I am a bad daughter.  I am very confused and shocked by my sibling's response.  I am not sure if it is because she didn't expect to be taking care of Mom and now she is, or what exactly caused her to turn on me. We used to be close. But, she and Mom made the decision to move Mom.   Maybe it is only my perception that we were close and we never were.  Maybe my sibling is also BPD?  I don't know.  Maybe she was affected by being locked down too long during covid. Maybe she has some other mental health issue?  These questions go through my mind and I probably won't ever know the answer.  It's just making me crazy.

Day to day, it is better for me not to be caring for Mom because she was abusive and difficult.  She would call me at work with her demands and I was constantly afraid that I would lose my job trying to meet her demands.  I spent so much time catering to her that it distracted me from taking care of my own responsibilities like cleaning my house, paying my bills by the due date, keeping up to date at work, etc.

[Notwendy]

I think it's difficult when our (what we thought were) non disordered family members somehow turn away from us. Even though it is hurtful- in a way, we aren't as surprised when our BPD mothers behave poorly, but we looked to our non disordered family members for support- we trusted them.

BPD mother was angry at me during my father's illness and had rallied him to "her side" and then later her family members. It was a complicated grief as I lost my father physically, was uncertain how he really felt about me- was it his idea or my mother's? And also her family. I don't have a secure attachment with my mother but I thought I did with my father and her family members so there's the sadness but also the wondering- was is real? If it was real, how could they just dismiss it like it was nothing, and if it was nothing- then did I just imagine it was more because I wanted it to be?

I think your sister's behavior is, in a way, as hurtful or more than your mothers because you felt the relationship was more durable than it seems to be now.

[Lily was here]

A big thank you to Notwendy and Pook075 for your thoughtful and supportive replies, reading them has really helped and I know that I must stay strong and put myself first even though it will lead to all sorts of pain. So Stressed, know that you are not alone and there are thousands of us going through this. I truly believe BPD is one of the hardest things to deal with as the person that has it will never change unless they want to...all too often the just can't accept that their behaviour is a problem. I hope you find some peace and things improve with your sister. From my own experience your Mom may have told her things about you that weren't true, so that may be why she is down on you!

[So Stressed]

Thank you Lily and NotWendy.

I agree that dealing with my uBPD mother has been one of life's greatest challenges.  Not only is it challenging, but it is hurtful, and, as Lily stated, the BPD person may not even know how difficult they are or the impact of their behaviors on others (or even on themselves because everything is always someone else's fault).  In the case of my mother, I have seen her get so worked  up that she went psychotic or completely dissociated. I wasn't able to do anything to help her with those behaviors, so I got help for myself.  I have serious regrets that I didn't call an ambulance when that happened, but I think I was in shock and didn't know what to do.

NotWendy, you are so right about feeling guilty and fearful when taking care of ourselves.  When I set boundaries or take time for myself, I do feel guilty.  My Mom has always told me that I am selfish and she has trained me to do what she wants at all times.  I am noticing now that she is not living nearby that I still consider how she will react whenever I make a decision about my life.

I am well aware that the reason that my sister has rejected me is that my mother did tell her things about me that were not true.  Perhaps, in time, that will become obvious, but maybe not.