Recently I have be the direct focus of any bad mood, bad day or mood swing that has come our way. We have basically fought every single day for the past 2-3 weeks without fail over various things large and small.
The scenario today unfolds. Over the weekend I had a relative visit who she doesn't know and/or deems unworthy of her attention so whilst I decided to spend time with the relative she decides she is in a bad mood and doesn't want to talk to anyone and opts to not come. I am trying to overcome my codependency so I go anyway as I want to and am allowed to.
Finally on Monday evening her mood has swung back and she is feeling slightly more chipper so their final night in the country she invites them over to simply say hello and they are here for a short while and say hello and goodbye and everything is fine.
The very next day it turns out her cousin is visiting. She tells me about this and says 'you can do what you like' which for a codependent is a bit of a trap or at least a very anxious thing to say. So I am tired and decide that I would be happy to stay in. But this apparently isn't what she wants and so she loses it. Starts swearing and attacking me. Telling me I am selfish and playing a victim. She tells me that I like to think I am selfless but that in fact I am a terribly selfish person. So I explain that she didn't explain that she in fact wanted me to attend and that if she had I would've said I wanted to without fail. So I say that I am going to go. This just maddens her more and she explains that she doesn't want to force me to do anything I don't want to. The ultimate double bind. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. So now I am an awful person and she is storming about slamming doors and giving me the silent treatment. So the scenario unfolded: do what you want which I did which wasn't what she wanted so I did what she wanted but that wasn't good enough anyways and now I amed.
What are some techniques to overcome splitting and raging and what could I have done to better manage the situation and the fight. Please help. This is becoming terribly exhausting and time consuming.
This is a technique of alienation practiced by BPD / NPD. My wife does this all of the time. For the past 5 years, each year, we get to see my mother and sister for 2 to 3 times and they have to visit us and my wife would throw a huge fit everytime eitherway. Meanwhile, we spend close to $10k just each year just to make a massive trip to visit her sister and family with her mom (who only lives 5 miles away). My wife's mom visits almost every weekend and on week day basis that she would drop by without preannounced. My wife would plan things with her mom and tell me the day before ... . or on the day of. Such as involving me having to go shopping and bbq for them. when my mom and sister visits, my wife says she is too busy and refuse to carry a conversation and if i had done the same, she would flip out. Still ... despite frequent visit by her mom and our expensive trips to visit her sister, when we argue, she make up stuff like I ban her mother from visiting and etc. One year, after our expensive visit back from her sister for x-mas, I asked when can my mom and my sister visit, i tried to get a day, she won't respond and started to make up stuff again to block them from visiting. Because her arguments are not factual, it is impossible to rationalize. And she 100% always refuse to yield, compromise, if it is not done exactly her way, she will make sure I pay. In that specific instance, after our argument, she went to air port to pick up her mom, 6 hours later, police came to my house and arrested me because she claimed i strangled her and she had a red mark on her neck at the time police took the photo which by the time they came to my house (while i was baby sitting my two kids because she went to pick up her mom at the airport), the red mark was gone. I thought to myself, why didn't the police pick apart her story? well, it is not up to police, because the law always favorite women because they are viewed as weaker sex. So law will essentially condemn an accused man and seek to prosecute and lock you up just based on a woman's words. After that incident, I switched my view to women victims dramatically, I used to take immediate believe of women claims of being victimized ... . I see it first hand how someone who I love so much and who supposed to love me can actually manipulate the law. I am over 40 years old. I never ever got into a single fight in my life. I never ever had a single problem with the law. On that day, I was so ashamed having to be handcuffed and booked into a jail, until this day, it really mess me up just thinking about it. I love my kids and they keep me going and trying to find signs of if anything can be done to reverse her NPD. It appears to me that her mother is the spark and emboldens her behavior. I am not sure if your partner has an "influencer" ... .but i can tell you that i notice when i was dating her, her mom was 300 miles away and whenever she gets on the phone with her, surely something crazy follows. I didn't think much of it, i just wrote it off as isolated incidences. As of today, her mom is only a few miles away, she gets on the phone with her all the free time she got... which she used to use that time for me when we were tight and her condition was more manageable. I can tell you, if your partner has an influencer, then you are pretty much screwed. like me, i am toasted. I am dealing with it, but I am pretty sure i can never forgive what my wife has done throughout the years. This is especially the case that she never ever apologize once for the nasty things that she said and done to me. her alienating my friends and relatives are really unforgivable and she turns around as if i am the problem all the time. Saying really negative things about me (false ones) that so disgusting infront of my kids. She has no idea about boundary and have no control ... . if you are new to this relationship, i can guarantee it will get worse. I know it will get worse for me, but i am staying because i want to make sure my kids are alright. You are going to have make your own choice. Good luck and I think most people say it will get better really is just trying to make everyday bearable.
