Wrong nipple? I got fed up and walked out of the bathroom

[Bakgwai73]

Hello all,
     I've been a member of this site before and it really helped me in my relationship with my wife. I quit coming to this site once we had children and life got busy. I am back again because of stressors going on in both of personal lives, both on the job stress and family stress. I have three children, a daughter that is 8 and two sons, one that is 7 and one that is 4 months old. This site is amazing and I need to refresh myself on it.

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

 

How are things going with you son and daughter?

Bak gwai? Is your wife Asian 

[pearlsw]

Hi Bakgwai73,

Welcome back! Looking forward to hearing more about your current situation! And you say that you learned things here in the past that helped your relationship? What has caused things to break down again now?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Bakgwai73]

Skip-Haha! No my wife's not Asian, I just know a little Catonese and Mandarin. My eldest are doing fine, just very active!

pearlsw- Glad to be back! I've meant to come back but things just get busy.
 
Right now my wife and I have been arguing about stupid stuff. It got to the point this morning where she started to get on to me about the nipple I was using on the bottle to feed our son. I had walked into the bathroom to tell something about work, with my son in my arms and she kept interuppting me about having the wrong nipple. I got fed up and walked out of the bathroom to go back to our den. She followed me in there and kept on about how I was listening to her and it escalated from there. Once she left, she sent me a text that she wants me to leave the house for the weekend to figure out why I continue to do the same things over and over again and why I have so much aggresion toward her. She says I'm pushing her away and she's serious. She also says that I do not realize my faults and I need to figure them out.
  My wife's mother is an Undiagnoised Narcisisst and put my wife through hell growing up. We just recently exchanged gifts for Christmas a few weeks ago and things have been very stressful since then. Also, I had an issue where I was shorted money on my paycheck and my wife actually called my works HR department and wanted to file a complaint on my boss. And just the other day someone posted on Facebook that one of our dogs attacked her dog, instead of coming to us and letting us know about it. All of this, plus the fact we have a 4 month old that is being breast feed and my wife has to pump every few hours has really thrown a loop in our sleeping schdule.
 With me, work has been insanley busy. We were already short staffed in a small office. My boss and one of my co-workers are both very needy and both are attention seekers. Both off them have talked about how bad they have been treated by their mother's growing up to, so they also have some mommy issue/self-esteem issues going on. Then to top it off, the same co-worker came to work after self medicating with xanex or ambian and was deep in the spirit world. She was escorted out and all we've been told is that she will be out indefinalty. That also adds pressure to the rest of us here at work.
 I have been less patiant with my wife then I usually am and I do admit I have just got tired of her lecureing to me and blameing every little thing on me. This morning I just didn't want to deal with her and I know I should have handled it differently but I had more important things to do with getting everyone elsle ready for school and daycare. I am very stressed on all fronts
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[pearlsw]

Hi again Bakgwai73,

Well, that is a lot going on at once - that is for sure!

Are you going to go away for the weekend as your wife is asking... .or do you have an alternate plan?

Do you want to review again on how to validate/not invalidate someone?... .I just think that can be one of the best ways to start communicating right away in a more positive manner... .When someone feels heard and instead of feeding conflict we are trying to communicate more smoothly things have a chance to improve.

How do you typically manage stress?

wishing you some much needed peace, pearl.

[Bakgwai73]

Hey Pearl,
    I still have not decided. I have a mutual friend of ours, who is both of our confidant, and she said I could stay at her house which is a couple of blocks over. I have also thought about suggesting that I sleep in a different room this weekend. She might go for that once she realizes how much stuff has to be done over the weekend, both with the kids and in the yard. My wife's father was married to my wife's mom for 30 years before they got divorced and the last 10 years of their marriage he lived in the basement of their house. Nice guy but he didn't argue with her or stand up for my wife and her siblings. That is normal for my wife, I am not going to end up in the basement but for a weekend she might go for that. She has already texted me that she wants to keep our schudle for tonight, my daughter has a play and I'm taking both sons to a basketball game.

Yes, I need to go over valaditing again.

I typically manage stress by working out or reading a book. However, due to time constrats and being both physically and emotional drained the past few weeks, I have not been able to take care of myself. One reason I brought up my co-worker is because she is so needy and attention seeking, that it is very emotionally draining to be around her at work. One of my other co-workers has the same experience with her, where by the time we both leave work we don't want to deal with our wives.

[Bakgwai73]

Also, my SO hangs out at her work with two people who are both going through a divorce right now. Our mutual friend thinks that their relationship issues are influincing my wife. Which is somewhat legit. The text she sent me uses some of the same wording that the lady who complained about our dog used on Facebook.

[pearlsw]

Hi again Bakgwai73,

Hopefully others will join us here with their thoughts and insights, for now I wanted to share this about invalidating. I think that part is really important to review:

Words and phrases that are invalidating to others (not just those with BPD):

Ordering them to feel differently- ":)on't be mad. Get over it."
Ordering them to look differently- "don't look so sad."
Denying their perception or defending - "that's not what I meant"
Making them feel guilty- "I tried to help you"
Trying to isolate them- "you are the only one who feels that way"
Minimizing their feeling- "you must be kidding"
Using reason- "you are not being rational"
Debating- "I don't always do that"
Judging and labeling them- "you're too sensitive"
Turning things around- "you're making a big deal out of nothing"
Trying to get them to question themselves- "why can't you just get over it?"
Telling them how they should feel- "you should be happy"
Defending the other person- "she didn't mean it that way"
Negating, denial, and confusion- "now you know that isn't true"
Sarcasm and mocking- "you poor baby"
Laying guilt trips- "don't you ever think of anyone else?"
Philosophizing and cliches- "time heals all wounds"
Talking about them when they can hear it- "you can't say anything to her"
Showing intolerance- "I am sick of hearing about it"
Trying to control how long someone feels about something- "you should be over that by now"
Explanation- "maybe it's because _____ "

It comes from here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

Oh man! Well, I hope you don't end up in a basement either!

Oh, I know what you mean about influences. I worry at times who my "h" is speaking to because it can really flip his thinking all around. I can imagine if your wife has people talking to her about divorcing that could shape her thoughts.

What are you hoping to have happen this weekend?

~pearl.

[Bakgwai73]

Well, I talked to the wife and took stock and blame of my actions. I only talked about me and what I need to work on. i also told her I need her help as well. I'm going to try and come up with a list, about my needs, and how she can help me with them. The problem I have with asking her for help is when I do ask her for help, she has two responses, either she acts like it's a huge inconvencnce for her or she comes back with a real nasty insulting remark, i.e. she ask me to go get her keys from the den and when I can't find them, she'll say I didn't look hard enough or tell me to think about where she might have put them.  That is also why I am hesitatent to ask her for help because of how rude and nasty she can get.

She did confess that the issue wasn't about the nipples, it was about the fact she is producing breast milk reallly well now and she doesn't want to do anything to mess that up. When we were arguing, she cut the tops of the nipples she doesn't want me to use, which I thought was a good idea. Now, she blamed me for "making" her cut the tops off because they were expensive nipples.

We'll see how the rest of the weekend goes.